The Trump Files

"That's correct. Of course, the school is closed now, and you'll find no record of my having attended, as the name I was using then was Anthony Zabrovsky...and also because Trump University, like its founder, kept no records that could be traced back to him or in any way misunderstood..."

"You're claiming that a record of someone graduating with honors might be misconstrued?"

"You never know...look how many other things on my resume have been taken out of context and misread..."

"You mean like saying you'd worked at blue-chip Wall Street firms like Goldman Sachs and Citigroup?"

"Exactly! Those were just typos. I asked my secretary to type in 'Link Bridge Investors' and that's what came out...she must have misheard what I was saying..."

"So your secretary made the error? And what did you do about it?"

"Well, when my resume said I'd worked for such prestigious firms, making me look so good, I had no choice but to give her a raise..."

"Seems reasonable. So, moving on...as you are a devout Catholic, it does seem a bit strange that you would tell your constituents you were Jewish, especially as there are a large number of Jews in your congressional district..."

"Oh, that? An inside joke! I do have Jewish relatives, so I joked that I was Jew-ish. Jew-ish! Get it?"

"So when you said you were 'a proud American Jew,' that was a slip of the tongue?"

"That's right. What I meant to say was 'a proud American pseudo-Jew,' but then I realized that some people may not know what 'pseudo' means, so it came out as 'proud American Jew.' I regret not having clarified that..."

"Speaking of clarifying, you also said your mother was Jewish and that she died as a result of the 9/11 terrorist attacks in New York City..."

"Well, technically speaking, she wasn't really Jewish...but she heard stories from her Jewish mother about escaping the Holocaust...so you could say she was Jewish in her heart, even though she attended Catholic church...that's what I meant to say...and 9/11? Well, that really did kill her...it just took fifteen years for the after-effects to kick in..."

"You also said your mother's parents were Ukrainian Jews who fled the Holocaust to Brazil, but Brazilian records show they were born in that country, as were you, and that none of your ancestors was Ukrainian or Jewish..."

"Well, I've never been much good when it comes to reading maps. I simply mistook Brazil for Ukraine...or it could have been the other way around. Anyway, I remember my folks mentioning Ukraine, what a lovely place it is, so I assumed they'd heard about it from their parents who must have lived there before the Holocaust. I put one and one together and figured it must equal two..."

"And are you still wanted on fraud charges in Brazil?"

"Oh, there's nothing to that. Just a rumor someone started on social media. Look, like anyone else, my hands aren't entirely clean—but I am not wanted in Brazil. The Brazilian government itself has made that clear. I am definitely not wanted in that country. Period..."

"But you have had some brushes with the law here in the US..."

"Some minor stuff; nothing I've not been able to handle. As I said, my hands aren't entirely clean..."

"And that applies to your charity work as well?"

"Well, I happen to love pets, and my charity, Friends of Pets United, did a lot of good work—on a par with Trump Charities, which as you know was lavishing huge sums on service veterans and others before it was wrongfully shut down. It's a shame we simply forgot to register Friends of Pets as a charity with the IRS. So we had no choice but to close it."

"Which brings us to your finances. In 2020, you claimed your net worth was $5,000. And yet in 2022 you loaned your campaign fund $700,000 of your own money, and claimed a net worth of between 2.5 and 11 million dollars. How do you account for that?

"Well, 2022 was simply a very good year for me. First, I bet a thousand dollars on Rich Strike to win the Kentucky Derby. As you know, the odds were 80-1. Well, I felt so good about winning that bet that I bought a lottery ticket, and wouldn't you know it, it was a winning ticket that paid $10 million! So I took $700,000 of those winnings and funneled them to my campaign fund..."

"You seem to have an answer for everything..."

"Thanks mainly to good luck—and to the lessons I learned at Trump University..."

"After you won the election, you were listed as a 'special guest' at a gala held by the New York Young Republicans that featured GOP politicians alongside white nationalists, conspiracy theorists and other extreme right-wingers including Marjorie Taylor Greene..."

"Yeah, that was a mistake made by my booking agent who saw the word 'Greene' and thought it was and event hosted by the Green Party...As you know, I'm an ardent environmentalist, as exemplified by another of my shell companies, 'Cleaner 123...'"

"I've noticed that you are offering your supporters a guided tour of the Capitol building this week for a donation of $100 or more. You do know, don't you, that offering tours of the Capitol in exchange for money is a violation of congressional ethics rules?"

"No, no...the Capitol tours are free! The donation is to see me sworn in as a congressman."

"To see you sworn in?"

"Yes. I don't see any reason why people wouldn't pay good money to see that..."

"Well, we'll have to wait and see if anyone shows up. But speaking of donations, let's talk a bit about your rather, shall we say, unusual use of campaign funds...lavish meals at Bergdorf Goodman, shirts for staff from Brooks Brothers, $40,000 in airline fees, $30,000 for hotel stays, $14,000 for auto rentals..."

"Well, this has really been great fun, everyone, and I could stay and talk for hours if I didn't have more pressing business to attend to. I do hope I have answered all your questions; as we used to say at Trump U, a question is no better than its answer, and an answer should never speak to the question..."

"Well, you've certainly lived up to that dictum..."

"Thank you. And lest you have any lingering doubts about me, I can promise you that I will be a hard-working and effective legislator, one who will, in the words of my hallowed mentor, 'fight like hell' for those in my district."

"And how can we be sure of that?"

"Because you have my word, and my word, as you can see, is my bond. And if that's not enough for you, I will cross my heart and hope...and hope..."

"Hope what?"

"I almost said 'and hope to die,' but even though I've been extremely lucky this year, I wouldn't want to push my luck any further than I already have..."

January 9, 2023

In Texas, a pediatrician and two nurses were listed in critical condition today after they were shot by a week-old baby following an "altercation" in the hospital nursery. According to eyewitnesses, the baby insisted on being breast-fed by one of the nurses who refused to comply. The baby then reached under his swaddling clothes, produced a 45-caliber revolver and started shooting. The doctor was shot twice, in one arm and the abdomen, while both nurses suffered wounds to the chest. All were rushed to the nearest emergency room, which luckily was only one floor below the site of the shootings.

Police who arrived on the scene within minutes were trying to determine how the baby obtained the firearm and what his motive may have been, although that seems rather clear.

Reached for comment, Texas governor Greg Abbott said, "This is truly an unfortunate and horrific incident—but remember, Texas is an open-carry state, and that baby had every right to have a gun for his own protection, permit or not. The shootings were dreadful, of course, but hardly unprovoked."

Wayne La Pierre, executive vice president of the Texas-based National Rifle Association, added, "Obviously, what is needed is more guns, not less, in hospital nurseries. The only person who can stop a bad baby with a gun is a good baby with a gun."

Not to be outdone (and as this IS The Trump Files), former president Trump tweeted: "I don't think the kid's parents were even born in this country. Most likely Mexican, I'd say. I bet if the police searched the baby's crib they'd find a stash of illegal drugs. What is this country coming to when the entire US government is weaponized to harass and torment one innocent man...oh, sorry; that's another topic but I'm sure you get my drift...TRUMP '24: MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!"

Meanwhile, back in Texas, Republican members of the state legislature were heralding the state's latest triumph, issuing a statement that read in part: "In Virginia, kids don't start shooting teachers until they're six years old! We are WAY ahead of that! In fact, our next message will be going straight to the Guinness Book of World Records. One week old! Let's see some other state try and beat THAT!"

Asked if his office planned to prosecute, state attorney general Ken Paxton said, "In Texas, NO ONE is above the law (well, when I say no one, I'm obviously not including myself). But if the facts are true, and it is proven that this one-week-old baby was wielding a gun and started shooting, we'll certainly have to look closely at that, as well as at the broader picture. Was he acting alone, or did he have accomplices? Was the gun purchased legally? Were his parents aware of what he intended to do with the gun? Most important, can he afford a really good lawyer? Right now the investigation is in its early stages, so we can't say more than that."

In Virginia, Republicans and other gun owners were crestfallen. "One week!" a shattered conspiracy theorist moaned. "One lousy week we had the record! Then some slimebag baby in Texas has to come along and ruin everything! How are we ever going to top that? Unless...unless...

"Pardon me, ma'am. You look like you're about ready to deliver your baby, so before it's too late I'd like to tell you about a new scientific study that says swallowing a couple of bullets shortly before giving birth can greatly benefit both the mother and her child...no, I'm not kidding!...and look, I happen to have here two brand-new easy-to-swallow bullets that are almost crying to be of help..."

January 20, 2023

That loud noise you heard last week was the government's case against former president Donald ("they're mine!") Trump for seizing, mishandling and refusing to return hundreds of government documents, many marked top secret or classified, blowing up in its face. The reason? President Biden apparently overlooked a few such papers when he stepped down as vice president, some of which were found in an office he once used, others at his home and garage(!) in Delaware.

There are, of course, some glaring differences, chief among them the fact that once Biden's misstep was uncovered, the documents in question were returned immediately to their rightful owner, the National Archives. The Justice Department didn't have to send the FBI with a search warrant to retrieve them. No harm done? Not according to Republicans who are screaming "double standard!" That argument may be weak, but it's better than no argument at all, which is what they had until Biden's blunders came to light. That puts far more pressure on attorney general Merrick Garland than he needs, and makes special counsel Jack Smith's job far more difficult, if not impossible.

That other noise you heard was House speaker Kevin McCarthy wielding his gavel after fifteen painful votes that led finally to his confirmation, in return for which he rewarded the far-right zealots who put him there with memberships on some of the most powerful and influential committees in the House. Marjorie Taylor Greene on oversight and homeland security? Lauren Boebert and Paul Gosar also on oversight? Matt Gaetz on judiciary? Serial liar George Santos on small business (there's a perfect fit) and science, space and technology? (well, he did vote "aye" for McCarthy fifteen times). Yes, this is definitely the sort of congress voters had in mind when they went to the polls last November. One catastrophic train wreck, with side orders of incompetence and lunacy, coming right up...!

With all the chicanery and other shenanigans overspreading congress these days, one can either laugh, cry...or write a song about it. I've chosen the last alternative, and have written a song (actually, that's not quite true; I've actually "borrowed" a song from one of America's greatest composers, Cole Porter). And as "anything goes" in congress, that is, appropriately, the name of said song. Some of our more "mature" readers may even choose to hum along as they read the lyric. With apologies to Cole Porter and a deep bow to Randy Rainbow, away we go:

(Sung to the tune of "Anything Goes")

In olden days a glance at Congress
Would surely reveal no wrongness
Now heaven knows
Anything goes

House Speakers too who once played better roles
Now gladly sell their souls to Biggs, Gaetz
And Greene
Anything goes

The kooks have veered right today
That's our plight today
A weird sight today
When Don's right today
And most pols today
Are paper dolls today
And some older than Mose

George Santos and his lies are seated
Although it's quite clear he cheated
From head to toes
Anything goes

For the record I'll say conniving reaps what it sows
And in congress today
Anything goes!

Coming soon: An update on former president Trump's bold plans to "save America" and crush Latin America's notorious and deadly drug cartels. Twin fantasies you won't want to miss!

February 2, 2023

Fulton County (GA) district attorney Fani Willis, appearing last week before Superior Court judge Robert McBurney in Atlanta, argued that a special grand jury report of its findings into whether former president Donald Trump and others unlawfully interfered to overturn the results of the 2020 presidential election should be kept sealed "to make sure everyone is treated fairly," adding that "decisions are imminent."

Willis' assertion that "decisions are imminent" reminded me of three other all-too-familiar scenarios:

First, the one where a waiter says "I'll be back in a jiffy with your order."

Second, when a nurse says "the doctor will see you in a moment."

And third, whenever George Santos says "let me be honest with you..."

In other words, I'll believe those "imminent decisions" when I see them, not a second before.

Moving on...

Every so often, it's interesting—make that mind-blowing—to peek in on former president Donald ("whatever it is, I didn't do it!") Trump's "Make America Great Again! 2024" web site to see what the country's huckster-in-chief has been up to—especially as I (and millions of other Americans) was bombarded during the recent holiday season with an almost endless salvo of self-promoting and misleading gambits from the shameless and tacky Trump supermarket.

Before delving into specifics, a brief observation: Trump has almost nothing to do with the site besides hiring a mass-marketing firm whose techniques are so trite and shopworn that it's a wonder anyone could find them believable. On the other hand, it is Trump's base they're aiming for, which greatly increases the odds of success. Basically, the MAGA scams are divided into three parts: the grabber (headline); the pitch (why you should care about what Trump is selling); and the shakedown (how much it is going to cost you). Sort of like a telemarketer's deceptive phone call in print.

As noted, the scam itself is as old as the hills. What Trump's surrogates have added is the personal touch. Even though the pleas for cash are mass-mailed to millions, every recipient must be made to feel special, a "patriot" addressed as "Friend," someone Trump would love to know better and without whose help his dreams of re-election would be doomed. The former president doesn't want just anyone to have dinner with him, go to his rallies, meet him backstage afterward, share a round of golf or fly on Trump Force One. He wants—he demands—YOU! It's not until the "patriot" reads the fine pint that he or she learns it's really a sweepstakes in which the odds of winning (if indeed there is a winner at all, as no winners' names are given) are millions to one.

From last December 20 through January 24, I received no less than 230 entreaties from "MAGA! 2024." That's an average of more than six a day, and while I haven't responded to any of them, I was told I am in the "top 5%" of Trump's supporters and was named "Patriot of the Month" in January, quite an unexpected honor in light of my feelings toward Trump personally and the MAGA swamp in general. As allegiance loves company, however, I can take comfort in the knowledge that I was one of millions who were named "Patriot of the Month" that day.

The MAGA "grabbers" (headlines) are specifically designed to raise the blood pressure of Trump loyalists to the point where they are either plotting revenge or driving to the local gun shop to ask about the price of an AR-15. Some examples:

"Democrats Have Blood on Their Hands"

"The TRUTH About the Midterms"

"They're Already Trying to Stop Us"

"Do You Stand with Me?"

"BLATANT HYPOCRISY! We CAN'T Let Them Get Away with This!"

"Stand Against Biden's CORRUPT DOJ!"

"Biden LIED to the American People"

And so on. As for the January 6 committee:

"A total HOAX and a complete SCAM!"

Occasionally, there is the unplanned chuckle, as in this grabber from Don Jr.:

"My father fought for this country" (what, bone spurs and all?)

Or this doozy:

"Trump Tax Cuts SAVED Our Nation" (well, at least the top 1% of it)

And finally, from the fibber-in-chief himself:

"Friend, I will always tell you the TRUTH!"

And he will always need YOUR help to escape from the many false charges and cunning traps the dastardly Democrats have laid in his path. Always remember, Friend:

"If we want to save our country, every single patriot must take a stand against the radical Left."

"Entrenched bureaucrats within the federal government have been trying to SABOTAGE our America First movement from DAY ONE."

"We are being INVADED and overrun by millions of people from unknown parts. Some of the world's worst criminals and DRUGS are pouring into our Country."

"Have you noticed that the Radical Left only publishes FALSE NARRATIVES about our Party and me?"

"A NOBODY has filed to run against President Donald J. Trump in 2024 and has decided to SUE him to STOP him from running. They are trying to take us down."

"President Trump needs YOU to stand with him against President Biden's CORRUPT Department of Justice."

I'm sure you get the idea. Regardless of content, however, one clear thread ties everything together: these messages aren't addressed to just anyone; they are directed to YOU, one of former president simon pure's most ardent and loyal followers:

"Can we count on you?"

"Friend, are you ready?"

"Do you stand with me?"

"President Trump (there is no EX-president at this site) wants YOU to have this..."

"I'm only reaching out to my BRAVEST and most TRUSTED patriots..."

"I need YOU to step up, Friend..."

"I need to speak to YOU..."

"Your ticket [to Mar-a-Lago or wherever] is booked..." (and if you believe that, we also have a lovely bridge we'd like to sell you)

Speaking of selling, the Trump sales pitch (shakedown) is like a steady drumbeat underlining the true nature of every plea:

"It's not enough to outraise Biden and Kamala...we need to CRUSH their fund-raising numbers..."

"President Trump has unlocked a 2X ENTRY for YOU ONLY to enter and win an ICONIC trip to Mar-a-Lago, and he really wants you to claim it."

"They want to take us down. We are calling on YOU to rush in support IMMEDIATELY! Not in one hour, not tomorrow, but NOW!"

"Please contribute ANY AMOUNT to the Trump Defense Task Force in the NEXT 24 HOURS and claim your 1000% impact..."

And so it goes. But Trump (we should say whoever is responsible for writing these appeals) doesn't want you to think there is nothing in it for you besides the satisfaction of returning the White House to its rightful owner:

First, there is the former president's self-serving book, "Our Journey Together," which is available, it says, to those who "contribute any amount" (but there has to be at least a $75 floor there, as that is the going price elsewhere on the MAGA site)

For only $45, Trump patriots may claim a new Trump 2024 MAGA hat (offer void where prohibited by sanity)

And for any amount, a patriot can become an Official Trump 2024 Campaign Cabinet Member (with all its stature and benefits), or

add their name—forever—to the 2023 Trump Presidential Donor Wall.

If that doesn't suit you, try membership in the Trump 47 Club (only $5 and up)

Whatever else you do, please don't overlook the Official 2024 Trump Agenda Survey—he really needs your input (and your cash)

And by all means add your name to the Official Trump Priority List so you can be the first (well, among the first million or so) to see and hear what "el presidente once removed" (and twice impeached) has to say

And for those who want to look their best while storming the Capitol or appearing in court, may we recommend the new Trump Legend Collection T-shirts, only $35 in the Trump Merchandise Shop (where you can also find MAGA hats, "Evict Biden" T-shirts, Trump flags, bumper stickers and yard signs, an official Trump portrait and so many more must-have items)

Are we through yet? Not quite...

On the night he announced his candidacy for president in 2024, Trump, we are told, hand-signed the podium logo behind which he was standing and raffled it off to his loyal patriots. In Trump World, you see, everything is for sale and marketing the name of the game, and so it will be as long as there is a sucker born every minute. Trump has taken his covetous cue from the great W.C. Fields, who famously said, "Never give a sucker an even break"—a credo the former president will never disown.

And finally...

Happy Groundhog Day! Did you know that George Santos was the first groundhog? (Just kidding; he says he was actually the second.)

February 20, 2023

At the behest of former president Donald ("2+2=$4 billion") Trump, House Speaker ("perilously pro-tem") Kevin McCarthy has created a new Select Committee on Artificial Intelligence and named as its GOP members Reps Matt Gaetz, Marjorie Taylor Greene, George Santos, Lauren Boebert, Anna Luisa Luna, Paul Gosar, Ryan Zinke, Jim Jordan, Scott Perry, Chip Roy and Ronny Jackson.

"Empaneling such a committee is long overdue," McCarthy announced. "And these House members are perfectly suited for membership, as any intelligence they have shown to date is clearly artificial. "In fact, some of them have been mistaken by their colleagues as bots, which places them even closer to AI and in a better position than most to sort these things out.

"We wanted to appoint Tommy Tuberville too," the Speaker added, "but we couldn't do that, as he is a senator. Too bad; he'd have fit the panel like a glove."

The committee's duties, McCarthy said, will include "surveying federal and state gun-control laws to see if there is any intelligence there that is other than artificial. Reps Greene and Boebert have said they may recuse themselves...

"The committee will also look at the Pentagon with the same goal in mind. Elon Musk? Well, that's a no-brainer (pardon the inference), as are Ye (formerly known as Kanye West)...and of course Ron DeSantis whose intelligence according to Trump is completely artificial...

"After that, the panel will obviously investigate Hillary Clinton and Hunter Biden...not because of any actual AI issues; that's simply what every committee in the House does these days...a part of their mission statements..."

As McCarthy has spent most of his time promising far-right zealots in the House that he will kiss their hands and wash their feet (or vice versa) if only they will allow him to remain as Speaker for a full term, there has never been any doubt about his intelligence—or cravenness.

And speaking of cravenness...

Former president Trump has insisted on many occasions that the only people who invoke their 5th Amendment privilege against self-incrimination "are guilty."

That applies especially to Hillary Clinton and her aides, some of whom had exercised that right during a congressional investigation into the Benghazi attack. "The mob takes the 5th," Trump once said to an audience of slow-witted Iowans. "If you're innocent, why are you taking the 5th?" Why indeed?

And why would Trump himself plead the 5th—more than four hundred times—as he was being questioned by NY State attorney general Letitia James's office as part of a civil fraud investigation into the Trump organization?

Whatever the reason, that is what happened last August when Trump refused to answer any questions posed by the AG and her aides. Rather than "pleading the 5th," however, Trump used this line: "Under the advice of my counsel and for all of the above reasons [set forth in a rambling statement he had read earlier], I respectfully decline to answer the questions under the rights afforded to every citizen under the United States Constitution."

Trump then greeted the more than four hundred questions he was asked with an identical response: "Same answer."

Does that mean Trump is guilty of a crime, as he had said of anyone who takes the 5th? Not on your avalanche of classified documents or falsified tax returns. As it turns out, the former president (who brags on his Save America website, "I would never lie to you") had a perfectly sound and logical reason for refusing to answer any questions while under oath:

"When your family, your company, and all the people in your orbit have become the targets of an unfounded politically motivated witch hunt supported by lawyers, prosecutors, and even the fake news media, you really have no choice."

Of course. It makes perfect sense. When everyone is aligned against you—and you know you have done nothing wrong—you must assert your 5th Amendment rights. Anything less would be wrong. It's not like you've been running some sort of criminal enterprise that the government wishes to shed light on. Of course not. Unlike the mob bosses who take the 5th to shelter their illegal activities, your hands are spotlessly clean. And anyone who says otherwise is clearly conducting a "witch hunt."

So "anyone in my position not taking the 5th Amendment," Trump now says, "would be a fool. An absolute fool."

And whatever else he may be, Trump is no fool, even though he plays one convincingly whenever he is asked a simple and direct question. He knows well how to play the legal game, having practiced it for most of his adult life. The playbook remains the same: delay, deflect, dissemble. Whatever it takes to slow the wheels of justice. And if that means "pleading the 5th," Trump is basing his defense on the time-honored words of another former president who fled in disgrace: "I am not a crook."

And finally...

Hatchet man Tucker Carlson, still promoting Trump's Big Lie on Fox "News," said last week, "How in the world did Joe Biden get fifteen million more votes than Barack Obama? Was it a miracle? Was the 2020 election some sort of miracle?"

No, Tucker, you irredeemable hypocrite, it wasn't a miracle, and I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you that (well, not really). The fact is that more than twenty-nine million more Americans voted in the 2020 election than in 2012, when Obama earned almost sixty-six million votes and Mitt Romney nearly sixty-one million. Trump, shady as he is, received more votes than either Obama or Romney—seventy-four million-plus (that may be the true miracle) but Biden received more than eighty-one million (and two hundred-thirty electoral votes, which are still being disputed by the former fibber-in-chief, millions of his deluded followers and the fraudsters at Fox "News").

The only "miracle" seems to be that Carlson is still on the air peddling his rancid garbage.

February 24, 2023

Say what you will about former president Donald ("my con game 'tis of thee") Trump, he knows the best way to observe our national holidays. And well he should, as he commemorates them the same way he honors every other day: by fleecing his "patriots" out of their hard-earned cash. Every year, for example, the US sets aside one day in February as Presidents' Day to salute those men (no women yet) who have honestly and faithfully served their country as its elected leaders.

As one of them, Trump should be well aware of the burden and sacrifice endured by those who preside over the White House. It is with that lofty image in mind that he addressed his "patriots" on Presidents' Day 2023:

"On this Presidents' Day, show support for your favorite President with a contribution of $47—and we'll send you a FREE MAGA hat in your choice of red or white." What true patriot could resist an offer like that? Especially on Presidents' Day. Imagine! A MAGA hat! From the former president! And in your choice of red or white! Best of all, it's FREE! Well, yes, you do have to send a contribution of at least $47 to your "favorite president" to qualify, but that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the HAT, which we emphasize again is FREE! So pay no attention to that man behind the screen—just send your $47 to the "Make America Great Again!" web site to receive your FREE—yes, you heard right—FREE! MAGA hat—in red or white!

But if $47 is too sizable for your budget at this time, we have another offer that will knock your socks off!—A FREE "Trump Was Right About Everything" bumper sticker! Yes, we'll send you your very own set of these remarkable bumper stickers FREE OF CHARGE! All you have to do is contribute $18 or more to help president Trump win back the White House in 2024 and we'll send you a set of TWO "Trump Was Right" bumper stickers ABSOLUTELY FREE! That may sound too good to be true, but we can assure that there's no mistake. Just send us a measly $18 and you'll receive a set of two amazing and ENTIRELY FREE bumper stickers!

Yes, Trump is running in 2024... and if he should (please, God, don't let that happen again!) win, the person he chose as his running mate would be "a heartbeat away" from the presidency. So who might he have in mind? According to the Daily Beast, early frontrunners include Reps Marjorie Taylor Greene and Elaine Stefanik who have at least one thing in common: complete insanity coupled with detachment from reality. Aside from that, a pair of really good candidates.

Former congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, we are told, is also on Trump's short list, as are South Dakota governor Kristi Noem and election denier (and certified loser) Kari Lake of Arizona. We can't understand why George Santos's name isn't there, or Kevin McCarthy's...

On a brighter note...

There's a new easier-to-reach national mental health hotline, and it seems to be working quite well. The number was changed six months ago from 1-800-273-TALK to the simpler and more user-friendly 988. Since then, more than two million calls, texts and chats to 988 have been routed to a call center, with the majority being answered in less than a minute. "People are getting help more quickly," says Hannah Wesolowski of the National Alliance on Mental Illness. And that's an encouraging step forward. If the new number saves even one life, it is more than worth it.

March 3, 2023

The scene: A packed auditorium somewhere in the midwestern United States. As a speaker approaches the podium there is scattered applause, then a hush as everyone awaits his pivotal announcement:

"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure to announce that the winner of this year's George Orwell Award for Most Effective Use of Duplicitous Doublespeak is... governor Ron DeSantis of Florida!"

The audience starts to applaud, but its response gives way to shock and surprise as a rotund orange-haired man dashes headlong through their ranks and toward the stage.

"Wait a minute! Hold on! Not so fast!" the man shouts. "The voting was rigged! Yes, that's what I said—rigged! Ron DeSanctimonious didn't win that trophy! I did!"

"What's that you say? You're claiming that YOU actually won the trophy?"

"You heard me! The whole contest was rigged! I should have won that award—in fact, I DID win it! I was way ahead when the votes were being counted around midnight—before a large number of 'alleged' votes for mealy-mouthed DeSantis were 'found' in a grimy dumpster outside a nearby KFC restaurant—enough votes to hand the award to him, when it should have been MINE!"

"Wait a minute. That face... that voice... why, you're former president Donald Trump..."

"That's right! President Donald J Trump! And please don't use the word 'former.' What I'm saying is that no one—and I mean NO ONE—has mastered the art of doublespeak like I have! Compared to me, DeSantis is no more than a two-bit loser and wannabe fraudster. Ask anyone who has ever dealt with me; they'll tell you that no one has EVER misled or hoodwinked them with ambiguous and deceptive language the way I have!"

"That may be true, Mr Trump, but the outcome of the vote has been duly certified by our board of directors, and it shows you trailing the governor by more than ten thousand votes..."

"Look, all I need is for you to 'find' 11,780 votes for me. Is that asking too much? Give me a break! You know I won the vote by much more than that! I'm far more underhanded than DeSantis ever was, and that trophy should be mine!"

"While we appreciate your concern, Mr Trump, there's not much we can do; after all, governor DeSantis had the support of almost every educator at home and abroad, and even the Disney Corporation backed him. The votes have been duly counted and certified...and according to our tally..."

"To hell with your tally! I demand a recount! My lawyers, the renowned team of Giuliani and Powell, tell me I have every right to do so—and they are NEVER wrong. So if you won't give me the trophy that I truly deserve, we'll see you in court!"

"Well, we certainly wouldn't want our disagreement to go that far, Mr Trump..."

"This is NOT a disagreement. I WON the trophy!...but the vote was rigged and I was cheated! Simple as that."

"It's not really as simple as that, Mr Trump. A recount could be long and expensive. After all, we have voting members in almost every country on earth; even reaching them to conduct a recount could prove quite costly..."

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