The Trump Files

Trump: Asserted that a missile that was "sent in probably by Russia" had landed 50 miles into Poland, and "people are going absolutely wild and crazy and they're not happy."

Fact: While Poland did say a Russian-made missile did land in their territory, killing two Polish citizens, the explosion happened about four miles west of the Ukrainian border, not 50. And while it remains unclear where the missile was fired from, the consensus is that it may have been a Ukrainian defense missile that veered off-target.

Trump: "We built the wall [along the southern US border], and now we will add to it. Now, we built the wall—we completed the wall—and then we said let's do more, and we did a lot more. We did a lot more. And as we were doing it, we had an election that came up. And when they came in, they had three weeks to complete the additions to the wall, which would've been great, and they said no, we're not going to do that."

Fact: Completed what wall? According to US Customs and Border Protection, about 458 miles of wall along the 1,933-mile border was built under Trump, with about 280 more miles identified for wall construction that wasn't completed. Of those, about 74 miles were "in the pre-construction phase" and hadn't been finalized, while 206 were "under contract" in place of "dilapidated or outdated designs in locations where no barriers previously existed." A good start, yes, but hardly a "completion."

Trump: Democratic governors and mayors "refused to ask for help" even during a "total breakdown of law and order," so "we sent in the National Guard in Minneapolis and other places."

Fact: No, he didn't. The fact is, it was Minnesota's Democratic governor, Tim Walz, who deployed the state's National Guard amid unrest in 2020 following the murder by Minneapolis police of George Floyd, seven hours before Trump threatened to send in the Guard. And Walz deployed the Guard in response to requests from the Democratic mayors of St. Paul and Minneapolis.

Trump: Mocking president Biden's mental acuity, Trump said, "There are a lot of bad things, like going to Idaho and saying 'welcome to the state of Florida.' I love it."

Fact: Like many of Trump's claims about Biden, it never happened. Each of them has made gaffes in referring to places, but that one is pure fiction, created in Trump's head.

Trump: Concerning illegal immigration, "I believe it's 10 million people coming in, not three or four million. They're pouring into our country."

Fact: According to Julia Gellat, an expert at the Migration Policy Institute, "based on the data available, it is not possible that 10 million unauthorized immigrants have come across the border to the US under president Biden. In fact, the reality is a fraction of that." Mark Morgan, who served as acting commissioner of Customs and Border Protection under Trump (and as head of the Border Patrol under Obama), told the Arizona Republic in November that the "worst case scenario" for the number of illegal border crossings under Biden though October "could be 6.2 million," slightly under Trump's estimate of 10 million.

Trump: "Good luck getting a turkey for Thanksgiving. Number one, you won't get it, and if you do, you're gonna pay three to four times more than you paid last year."

Fact: Not even close to the truth. Yes, the price of turkey has gone up, but the average supermarket price of a whole frozen hen is 97 cents a pound this year, up about 10 percent from the same time last year, while the price of a whole frozen tom has risen by about 7 percent. This in spite of the fact that the turkey market has been significantly impacted this year by avian flu. And if you want a turkey, you'll most likely get it.

Trump: Trump said that even though his critics claimed in 2016 that there would be a war within weeks if he were elected, "I've gone decades, decades without a war. The first president to do it for that long a period."

Fact: More utter nonsense. First, Trump was president for four years, so he couldn't have gone "decades, decades" without a war. Also, Trump presided over the US involvement in wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and Syria, even though he didn't start any of them and withdrew some troops from all three countries. And he was commander-in-chief for dozens of US drone strikes, including those in Somalia, Yemen and Pakistan, and another that killed Qasem Soleimani, head of Iran's Quds Force, which prompted retaliation against US service members.

Trump: Takes full credit for the liberation of ISIS's "caliphate" in Syria, saying "the vicious ISIS caliphate, which no president was ever able to conquer, was decimated by me and our great warriors in less than three weeks."

Fact: A grain of truth, embellished by a mountain of exaggeration. The ISIS "caliphate" was fully liberated more than two years into Trump's presidency, not "less than three weeks" in. Also, major progress against the caliphate was made under president Obama in 2015 and 2016, wherein Kurdish forces did much of the ground fighting. According to an analysis by IHK Market, an information firm that studied the size of the caliphate, it had shrunk by 23 percent in 2016 after a 14 percent loss in 2015.

Trump: "We had practically, just about, not that I can think of, no Islamic attacks, terrorist attacks, during the Trump administration."

Fact: No, there were none that "he could think of," even with his massive genius brain. However, Trump's own Department of Justice said that an attack in New York City in 2017 in which eight people were killed was an act of Islamic terrorism carried out in support of ISIS, and a 2019 attack that killed three US servicemen and injured others at a military base in Florida "was motivated by jihadist ideology" and carried out by a "longtime associate" of al Qaeda. Easy to overlook or forget.

Trump: "When I got there [took office], we had jet fighters that were 48 years old. We had bombers that were 60 years old; we had bombers where their grandfathers flew them when they were new. And now the grandchild is flying the bomber—but not anymore."

Fact: This may surprise—or even shock you, but Trump never got rid of those 60-year-old bombers. The military continues to use them, retrofitted with new Rolls-Royce engines and no doubt being flown by those grandchildren he mentioned.

Trump: Boasting about the 2020 election, "along the border in Texas, won every single community—I won—every single community." Texas governor Greg Abbott told him, Trump said, the he had "won every single area along the border, the longest since Reconstruction" (whatever that means).

Fact: Again, not even close. Trump lost border states in both of his previous races—California and New Mexico in 2016 and 2020, those two plus Arizona in 2020, and lost numerous border communities in Texas and elsewhere. Although he did make gains in some Texas border counties between 2016 and 2020, the claim that he "won them all" is simply not true. And what else is new.

As noted, some things never change. And so Donald J Trump, PCM (Peerless Confidence Man), is off and running again, lumbering toward the 2024 presidential campaign and paving the road with a litany of lies and misinformation that if laid end-to-end would surely stretch from New York to California with detours to Florida and Texas. Basically, he gives voice to whatever absurdities pop into his head at a given moment with no regard for the truth, perversions his loyal base is eager to chew on and swallow whole. And the beat goes on...

Meanwhile...

For any Republican who lost a bid for office in November and is claiming that the election must have been "rigged" (we're looking at you, Kari Lake), I have one simple question:

Why would you spend thousands—perhaps even millions—of dollars and countless hours campaigning for an office you were certain you had no chance of winning? Surely you must have been aware that the contest would be "rigged" when you entered the race, as overturning an election is an enormous enterprise that takes many months to plan and set in motion while observing super-strict security protocols. Just as Donald ("we was robbed!") Trump knew many months before the 2020 presidential election that it would be "rigged"—but didn't bother to tell anyone until the votes had been counted and he came up seven million short—you must have known that election workers in Arizona would be conspiring against you—and no one else—as all the other state races were on the up and up (even Blake Masters hasn't been heard grumbling out loud). Interesting that your first trip after the November 8 election was to Mar-a-Lago to seek wisdom and counsel from the cabalist-in-chief, after which you returned to Arizona with not a doubt in your mind that you'd been hoodwinked. Well, as I'm sure Trump the Oracle must have advised, we'll be seeing you in court.

And finally...

Doing everything in his power to hasten the demise of Twitter, Elon Musk has lifted the ban on Donald Trump and restored his account. While the former president has said he wants nothing more to do with Twitter, that is probably a sure sign that he'll be back before sundown. Meanwhile, Trump continues to milk his base with endless appeals for money via his Save America and Truth Social websites. If you hurry, you still have time to buy your Christmas cards, ornaments, wrapping paper, hand-signed (yeah, right) copy of his presidential announcement speech, or personalized signed photo, among other rubbish. And please keep in mind that these and other rewards have been prepared and set aside especially for YOU, one of America's great patriots, an easy mark without whose support (read: cash) the Great Deceiver couldn't possibly win his bid for the White House in 2024. Whatever else you may do, please don't close that wallet!

December 5, 2022

You may have to help me out here... I'm more than a little bit confused...

Here's the problem:

In early 2021, a large cache of government documents, many of them classified, was taken from Washington, DC, and moved to a residence in south Florida. In spite of a number of requests (including a subpoena) from the National Archives and Records Administration—the documents' rightful owner—the man who had unlawfully transferred the documents to his home refused to return them to the Archives, which asked the FBI to issue a search warrant for them. That search, carried out in August 2022, resulted in the seizure of a large number of documents whose retention in Florida was a clear violation of the Presidential Records Act of 1978, which "[e]stablishes that Presidential records automatically transfer into the legal custody of the Archivist as soon as the President leaves office."

More to the point, transferring documents, classified or otherwise, to a private residence and refusing to comply with requests to return them to their lawful owner violates provisions of the Espionage Act of 1917 (US Code 18, Chapter 37), many of whose provisions remain in force including these in Section 1:

(d) Whoever, lawfully having possession of, access to, control over, or being entrusted with any document, writing, code book, signal book, sketch, photograph, photographic negative, blueprint, plan, map, model, instrument, appliance, or note relating to the national defense, or information relating to the national defense which information the possessor has reason to believe could be used to the injury of the United States or to the advantage of any foreign nation, willfully communicates, delivers, transmits or causes to be communicated, delivered, or transmitted or attempts to communicate, deliver, transmit or cause to be communicated, delivered or transmitted the same to any person not entitled to receive it, or willfully retains the same and fails to deliver it on demand to the officer or employee of the United States entitled to receive it; or

(e) Whoever having unauthorized possession of, access to, or control over any document, writing, code book, signal book, sketch, photograph, photographic negative, blueprint, plan, map, model, instrument, appliance, or note relating to the national defense, or information relating to the national defense which information the possessor has reason to believe could be used to the injury of the United States or to the advantage of any foreign nation, willfully communicates, delivers, transmits or causes to be communicated, delivered, or transmitted, or attempts to communicate, deliver, transmit or cause to be communicated, delivered, or transmitted the same to any person not entitled to receive it, or willfully retains the same and fails to deliver it to the officer or employee of the United States entitled to receive it; or

(f) Whoever, being entrusted with or having lawful possession or control of any document, writing, code book, signal book, sketch, photograph, photographic negative, blueprint, plan, map, model, instrument, appliance, note, or information, relating to the national defense, (1) through gross negligence permits the same to be removed from its proper place of custody or delivered to anyone in violation of his trust, or to be lost, stolen, abstracted, or destroyed, or (2) having knowledge that the same has been illegally removed from its proper place of custody or delivered to anyone in violation of its trust, or lost, or stolen, abstracted, or destroyed, and fails to make prompt report of such loss, theft, abstraction, or destruction to his superior officer—Shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than ten years, or both.

Boiled down, what the legalese means is that anyone who removes and/or withholds government documents to which he or she is not lawfully entitled can be fined and/or go to prison for up to ten years. The Act is quite clear about that.

Which brings us to the puzzle. We know who took the documents. We know where he unlawfully housed them. And we know that he refused, when asked and even subpoenaed, to return them to their rightful owner, in this case the National Archives and Records Administration. These are facts, not suppositions. The man had no legal right to remove and especially to retain the documents, and the law says he should be fined and/or imprisoned for his transgression.

The question is, why has this man not been indicted and made to stand trial? I'm no lawyer, but it seems quite clear that, based on certain provisions of the Espionage Act, he has broken the law. Am I missing something? Is his case somehow different from those of Edward Snowden or Chelsea Manning, who were charged with violating the Act—or Julian Assange, who would likely be charged if the government could ever get its hands on him? Lawyers would no doubt have a lot to say about that. As for me, I can see no logical reason—aside from the fact that he is a former president—why this man has not been indicted, tried, convicted and sentenced to prison, as anyone else would have been. Also...

On January 6, 2021, an armed mob thousands strong attacked and breached the US Capitol building, acting at the behest of the same man who stole government documents shortly afterward and spirited them away to his home in Florida. According to the sworn testimony of many of those who have since been brought to trial, they were there that day acting on orders from their presumptive leader who stood at a podium that day, in full view of the American people and, despite knowing that many of those in his audience were armed and dangerous, nevertheless ordered them to march to the Capitol building and "fight like hell" to prevent Congress from certifying Joe Biden's election as president. While the mob attacked the Capitol and sent members of Congress and others fleeing for their lives, their commander sat for more than three hours in his residence watching the carnage unfold on Fox TV, ignoring dozens of requests to issue a statement that could have ended it.

Did he commit any crimes that day? Is the Pope Catholic? The House January 6 committee has presented a litany of irrefutable facts that prove beyond any doubt his culpability, while it has been rumored that the Department of Justice is conducting its own inquiry, even hiring a special counsel while hemming and hawing about how "no one is above the law." Really? No one? Or just one? Whatever the answer, the man who is unquestionably responsible for the attempted insurrection and coup on January 6, 2021, remains so far free and apparently untouchable. And to further thumb his nose at the scales of Justice, he has announced that he is running for president again in 2024.

Will the wheels of justice, slow as they are, manage to overtake him before it's too late to subvert his plan to obliterate American democracy as we know it? Stay tuned...

Until then, I remain puzzled as ever by the government's seeming inability to charge and prosecute a man who is, based on all the available evidence...what is the legal term for it?... oh yes; guilty as hell.

December 12, 2022

The time is 3 a.m. In a bedroom at the Mar-a-Lago Resort in Florida, the telephone rings.

"Donald...Donald...?"

"Wh...who is this? And have you any idea what time it is?"

"Relax, Donald...It's me, Roy Cohn, your faithful friend and mentor... calling as usual from an unnamed (but very warm) location... And as for time, it has no meaning in this particular neighborhood..."

"Roy! It's good to hear from you, as always. But... but..."

"Yes, I know; I said I wouldn't call you again so soon... However, this is an emergency..."

"An emergency? You mean like a 'you could go to prison' emergency?"

"Yes, something like that. The fact is, Donald, that your careless use of language could have serious consequences..."

"What have I said that my loyal base wouldn't totally agree with and swallow whole?"

"Well, to be more specific, I'm referring to your suggestion that some parts, if not all, of the US Constitution should be 'terminated...'"

"But Roy, I HAD to say that! Can't you see, it's a witch hunt! They've been coming after me from all sides, and they're getting closer! Just this week my company was found guilty on seventeen counts of fraud and other misdeeds! If the Constitution stands, I may have to stand trial, and we both know what that means..."

"I am well aware of that, Donald. But you can't simply speak out in favor of 'terminating' the Constitution, the bedrock on which the US government stands. Some people may take that the wrong way. Let me put it this way: even Adolph Hitler kept his disdain for the rule of law under wraps until he was actually in power and able to carry out his plan..."

"So you're saying I have to wait at least two more years before I can toss that pesky set of outdated rules and laws into the nearest trash bin?"

"No, what I'm saying is that if you want to be re-elected in two years, be a bit more careful about what you say... and who you dine with. It's perfectly all right to think like that, just don't say it out loud until the schnucks have had a chance to put you back in the White House where you belong."

"Of course I'll be back in the White House in '24! I'll win by a landslide! And even if I don't—which really isn't possible—I'll say I won and leave it to the people to decide..."

"As you did in 2020. So how did that work out?"

"Okay, so we came up a bit short. But that was because we didn't have the right plan. We've been busy taking care of that. Next time, we'll have people in place to assure that I am 'elected,' regardless of the popular vote or electoral college count..."

"That's fine, and I'm proud of you for that. Until then, however, you must take your cue from your hero and role model, Adolph, and practice patience. As I'm sure you'll recall, it wasn't until after Adolph was named German chancellor and the Reichstag burned that he persuaded president Hindenburg to sign the Reichstag Fire Decree, drafted by the Nazis, which suspended basic rights and allowed detention without trial..."

"Yes, of course I remember that..."

"Then you'll also recall that Adolph gave his word that Hindenburg would retain his power of the veto. The powerful Center Party leader, Ludwig Kaas, then agreed to support the Enabling Act, which passed by a vote of 444-94, gave Adolph full control of the legislative and executive branches of government and, along with the Reichstag Fire Decree, transformed his administration into a de facto legal dictatorship. After that, there was no looking back. You can do the same here, Donald. But you have to be patient..."

"That's easy for you to say. But by '24 I could be in prison, or at least standing trial. That won't look good on the campaign trail..."

"Donald, Donald... believe me, that's never gonna happen. Not if you follow the advice I've always given you: deflect, delay, appeal, drag your feet, drag them some more...in other words, do whatever it takes to gum up the works and outflank the law, as you always have. Given the pace at which the justice system works—at least for people like you—you'll be serving your second term as president-for-life before anyone dares lay a hand on you. And by then, no one will, as you will control all three branches of government..."

"You paint a pretty picture. But what if the DOJ moves more quickly...?"

"Simple. You just gather Don Jr, Ivanka and Eric together, tell them Daddy loves them but has no choice but to throw them under the nearest bus..."

"Will that work?"

"In the long run, no... but by the time the DOJ has sorted things out you'll have appointed Rudy Giuliani attorney general..."

December 17, 2022

"Psssst!...psssst!...Hey, buddy...!"

"Are you talking to me?"

"Yes, to you, friend...Look, y'wanna buy a trading card?"

"Well, no, I don't think so..."

"Before you say no, take a closer look. This ain't no ordinary trading card... it has a picture of America's favorite president of all time... better than Lincoln, better than Washington!... riding a horse, dressed like an astronaut, a cowboy or a super hero, wearing a Santa cap, playing baseball... just about any image you can Photoshop... These are the Official Trump NFT Digital Trading Cards, introduced only yesterday!... and especially for you, friend, they've been marked down from $99 to only $98.98 per card..."

"Well, that does sound tempting...but on the other hand, it is a bit pricey...No, I think I'll have to pass..."

"Before you do that, friend, hold on for a moment! I've just spoken to the swindlers at the Make America Great Again web site, and they're willing to drop the price to only $2.50 per card, or two for $25...and if you act now, they'll even throw in a third card for the cost of shipping and handling...!"

"That sounds like a great deal, but I really haven't much use for trading cards..."

"Okay, maybe cards aren't for you...so how about this? Only $45 for a chance to ride on a beautiful state-of-the-art airplane, Trump Force One..."

"Seems nice, but you see, I've always had this fear of flying..."

"Okay, let's say that's out too. But here's an offer I'm sure you can't resist! A personalized Christmas video message from everyone's all-time favorite president..."

"That would be great, but to tell you the truth I have nothing at home to play it on..."

"No problem, friend. For only $50 I can let you have the Official 2023 Trump calendar..."

"Well, I do have a cell phone and wrist watch which store that kind of information, so I won't be needing a calendar..."

"Well, then, how about a 2024 MAGA hat? In bright red! Only $30! (plus tax)..."

"That's tempting...but I've never worn a hat, and my friends may think I look silly in one, even a bright red MAGA hat..."

"So the hat is out too. Tell you what...for only $50...less than you'd pay for a cup of coffee a day...I'm willing to let you have one of my Official Trump Christmas cards...surely you can't turn THAT down!..."

"Yeah, that sounds like a terrific offer...and if I weren't Jewish I'd snap it up..."

"Yes, I should have noticed the beard and yarmulka...even so, I'm sure you can't pass up the chance to become a member of the 2024 Presidential Trump Day One Club..."

"So what's that all about?"

"I'm not really sure. It's a name someone came up with. Like anything else at the MAGA site, you give them some money, they say congratulations, you're now a member of the club!...and that's about it..."

"Nice, but it doesn't sound like something I'd pay money to join..."

"Okay, you obviously want more responsibility, so how about this? We can make you an Official Trump Campaign Cabinet Member!..."

"What's that gonna cost me?"

"That's the best part! For only $30 (payable every month for the rest of your life), you can be an Official Member of the Trump Campaign Cabinet!—with all its benefits..."

"Sounds good...but if you're mass-mailing, that figures to be a pretty large Cabinet..."

"You're right about that. Maybe you'd be better off buying a 2023 Trump Founding Membership. It's pretty cheap, and purely honorary. No official duties as there would be in the Trump Campaign Cabinet, like building a wall and other stuff..."

"I do like that. How much did you say it was?"

"How much do you have on you?"

"Well, I don't usually carry any cash; I prefer to do my shopping and trading online..."

"Well, we can't accept IOUs...except for our merchandise. Tell you what; we still have some Trump 2024 flags in stock..."

"No, no flags, thanks; too garish..."

"And you prefer subtle. Then how about some MAGA gift wrapping paper? It's moving fast!..."

"Thanks, but no thanks..."

"MAGA Christmas tree ornaments? (Oh, I forgot; you're Jewish). A signed photo of me with Herschel Walker? (Can't imagine why those haven't been selling better)..."

"Well, I must admit you're certainly a great salesman, Mr...Mr..."

"Just call me Donald."

"Well, Donald, I wish you the best with your trading cards and other odds and ends, but I haven't really been sold on anything...even though, as I said, you are one helluva salesman. Have you always done this?"

"Yes, I have...even when I've had other jobs. I should say, especially when I've had other jobs. In fact, I'm seriously considering another offer for 2024...If that works out the way I hope it will, I may be able to give up sales altogether..."

"That sounds great. Have you had any experience at that job?"

"As a matter of fact, yes; I did have that same job for four years. It involved watching a lot of TV, and I really liked that. I was hoping it would last longer, and did everything I could to keep it, but my contract ran out. If it's renewed, as I'm positive it will be, in '24, I'll be sure to include a 'lifetime' clause..."

"That's a good idea. Sorta like Supreme Court and federal judges. You won't have to worry about doing anything wrong—not that you would. But it's always good to be able to leave a job when you want to, on your own terms..."

"Exactly! That's the same argument I made in January '21 when everyone told me I was no longer needed. I wasn't going to just sit on my hands and accept that..."

"Good for you! Any job like that—mostly watching TV—is really worth fighting for."

"Absolutely! But now some people are complaining that I 'took my work home' with me. Hey! I didn't take the TV!"

"Sounds like you're on solid ground there. You shouldn't have any trouble renewing your contract. Until then, best of luck with the sales. I hope you unload thousands of the trading cards and other assorted rubbish. But I have to tell you, you're such a sharp and persuasive salesman you may be wasting your talents on little things like trading cards...I think you could be destined for far more lucrative sales positions...Have you ever thought about real estate?"

December 22, 2022

Tuesday evening, at the US Capitol, with members of both houses of Congress looking on, and people across the country watching on television or listening on radio, the difference couldn't have been more apparent—or more stark.

In 2019, Ukrainians decided to elect a former TV personality as president—and got Volodymyr Zelensky.

In 2016, Americans decided to elect a former TV personality as president—and got Donald Trump.

Unlike Trump, when Zelensky raised his hand and promised to uphold and defend his country's Constitution, he really meant it. Unlike Trump, Zelensky has been too busy carrying out that pledge by defending his country from an unwarranted invasion by Russia to kiss Vladimir Putin's ass or brag about receiving "love letters" from North Korean dictator Kim Jung-un. And unlike Trump, Zelensky hasn't been enmeshed in what seems to be an endless series of potential lawsuits, civil and criminal, in which his honesty, integrity and morality have been brought into question, along with his loyalty to anything or anyone other than himself.

Speaking to Congress and the American people in English, which isn't his second or even third language, Zelensky was more forceful and eloquent than Donald Trump on the best day of his life.

After thanking Americans and members of Congress "of both parties" for their support, Zelensky said that "against all odds and gloom and doom, Ukraine didn't fall. Ukraine is alive and kicking."

In two days, Zelensky said, Ukrainians "will celebrate Christmas"—by candlelight, "not because it is romantic," but because Russian missile and drone strikes have devastated his country's infrastructure. But in spite of having no heat or running water, all Ukrainians, Zelensky said, share the same Christmas wish: "Victory! Absolute victory!"

Ukraine will win the war with Russia, Zelensky said, "because we are united—Ukraine, the United States, and the entire free world."

Even though he spoke haltingly and stumbled over a few words, Zelensky's powerful speech kindled memories of Winston Churchill's visit to the US eighty-one years ago this month, wherein the British prime minister's persuasive address to Congress galvanized an American public whose reluctance to enter a war against Germany and Japan had left Britain all but on its own against them in the early years of World War II. As Churchill made clear, America's support was crucial, and his speech went a long way toward accelerating that support.

Zelensky, whose courage in the face of Russian aggression has been remarkable, brought with him a battle flag, signed by Ukrainian soldiers he had visited the day before coming to Washington, and was given in return a US flag that had flown that day over the US Capitol. He left to a standing ovation after wishing everyone "a happy and victorious New Year."

Meanwhile, America's former president and huckster-in-chief was at his Florida resort, Mar-a-Lago, busily welcoming the holiday season by selling NFT trading cards, 2023 Trump calendars, Trump Christmas stockings, Trump gold cards, Let's Go Brandon Christmas wrapping paper, 2023 Trump Founder memberships, 2024 Make America Great t-shirts and hats, chances for a trip to Mar-a-Lago or a ride on Trump Force One, copies of his book, Our Journey Together, and whatever else is gathering dust in the Official Trump Grift Shop (and no, we are not making any of this up).

As noted, the difference between Donald Trump and Volodymyr Zelensky couldn't be more apparent—or more stark.

December 25, 2022

Merry Christmas, everyone! Here are some light-hearted seasonal songs to help brighten your holiday:

Rudy the Red-Faced lawyer

Rudy the red-faced lawyer
Has a very runny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it flows

All of the other lawyers
Used to make him cry, not smile
They wouldn't let poor Rudy
Come to any pending trial

Then one spooky Christmas eve 
Donald came to say
"Rudy with your crafty schemes
Won't you guide my legal team!"

Then all the lawyers teased him
As they shouted out with bliss
"Rudy the red-faced lawyer
"You'll do 'five to ten' for this!"  

Prison Cells

(Sung to the tune of "Silver Bells")

Prison cells
Prison cells 
Donald's in jail in the city

 He's unhinged
See him cringe
"I'll have your head, DOJ!"

Prison garments
Add to torments
As he suffers his fate 
Since the voters caught on 
To his quack'ry

Once the top gun
He's now no one
Putting his skills to use
Making plates in the prison's 
Drab fact'ry

Prison cells
Prison cells
Please shed no tears for The Donald

Them's the breaks
When you takes
Dead aim at democracy

Dead aim at democracy!

Donald the con man

Donald the con man
Thought that he could snow us all
With his constant rants
At the crooked polls
And his plans to keep it all

Donald the con man
Was as slick as he could be

Telling everyone
He was Number 1
And in charge he'd always be

There must have been
Some hokum in
That MAGA hat he found

For when he placed it on his head
All the pigeons gathered 'round

Donald the con man
Was more shrewd than many folks 

Taking all they had
Was what made him glad
That they couldn't spot a hoax!

January 2, 2023

The scene is a conference room at a hotel in Washington, DC. At the dais and facing the media is George Santos (the name he is presently using) who was elected in November to represent New York's 3rd congressional district, which covers part of northern Long Island and northeast Queens.

"Good afternoon, everyone. I've called this press conference before being sworn in later this week to answer questions and clear up some of the confusion that seems to have arisen over statements in my resume...Let's begin with my educational background and go from there...Yes, you in the third row..."

"Thank you, Rep Santos. You stated in the resume that you had graduated from Baruch College, but there is no record of your having studied there, let alone graduated. Later, you said that you'd made a 'mistake' and apologized for the error. What is the truth about your higher education...?"

"Yes, it is a fact that I never graduated from Baruch, and saying so was a mistake—for which, as you said, I have apologized—as was the statement that I graduated from NYU and the Horace Mann School. I didn't want to mention the school I'd actually attended, as it might have had an undue influence on my campaign and I didn't think that would have been fair to my opponent..."

"So you're saying you did attend a college, but not Baruch..."

"That's right. A very good school, too, one whose life lessons have formed the bedrock of my political philosophy ever since..."

"And what school was that?"

"Trump University."

"You're saying you attended Trump University?"

"That's right. And graduated with honors—first in my class! I even received a commendatory letter from the founder himself..."

"From Donald Trump?"

"Yes. He was given a copy of my grades and was kind enough to send his congratulations with an assurance that I would go far in politics if that was my goal..."

"That is remarkable. Tell me, what kind of courses did you take at Trump U?"

"Well, let's see...there was Chicanery 101, Audacity Under Pressure, Skullduggery for Dummies, Camouflaging Your Taxes, Evading Constitutional Roadblocks, Turning Losses into Gains, the Art of the Con...things like that...lessons that no would-be politician should gloss over...and I aced them all!"

"So you're definitely saying you graduated from Trump University? With honors?"

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