The Trump Files

And the answer is simple, really. Politics is not about "governing" or acting in the best interests of "the people" (that concept was abandoned years ago, if indeed it ever existed). Thanks to our hallowed two-party system, it is solely about "winning," "losing" and "seizing power." Thus any vote in favor of legislation introduced and backed by the opposing party is seen as a "win" for that party and a "loss" for one's own, no matter how beneficial that law may be. "Bipartisanship" applies only to legislation that is so weak and non-controversial that almost no one cares what the vote may be. No GOP lawmaker was going to vote for the IRA, as it was deemed to be "Biden's bill," and thus a "win" for Democrats. No Republican wanted to be on record as supporting that "win," all the more so with the fearsome shadow of former president Trump looming overhead to tabulate each vote and punish every defector.

In any event, party-line voting—or voting of any kind—is no longer relevant, as the majority of Americans these days do not wish to be governed; they wish only to be entertained. Rapacity notwithstanding, Donald Trump knows this better than anyone. That was his path to victory in 2016, one he hopes to repeat in 2024. Sure, Trump's governing sucks, but he is a shrewd entertainer and polished con man, one who knows how to inflame an audience and convince them that whatever he says—no matter how deceitful, bizarre or flat-out stupid—is the truth. Trump's antics opened the flood gates for the Marjorie Taylor Greenes, Lauren Boeberts and other denizens of the far right's QAnon-fueled, looney tunes twilight zone to run for office, after realizing, as Trump had, that they needn't govern, only entertain. Even though politics Trump-style has gone off the rails, you must concede that DC's three-ring circus has been more entertaining than ever. Send in the clowns? Don't bother; they're here.

August 26, 2022

"Class. Class! That was the bell...let's settle down now and take our seats..."

"Waaaaaahhh!"

"Who's that...Donald? What's the matter now, Donald? What has you so upset?"

"Teacher, Merrick took my coloring book and won't give it back! And it's MINE!"

"Now Donald, remember we must learn to share..."

"But he doesn't want to share! He wants the book, and it's MINE!"

"Donald, you know the book isn't really yours. It belongs to the school library. This isn't the first time we've had to speak to you about hiding books that aren't yours and even taking them home..."

"I didn't take any books from the library! The books I took home were MINE!"

"You know that's not true, Donald. Those books are clearly marked 'Property of the New York City School System.'" And you took them home with you anyway..."

"But I NEEDED them! And anyway, I was going to give them back..."

"Perhaps you were, Donald...but we've sent notes to your parents letting them know you had the books there, and so far less than half of them have been returned...only one box full, as I recall..."

"That's because I haven't finished READING them! When I have, you'll get ALL of them back...even the ones in the basement..."

"Well, we can't wait until the end of the school year to have them returned, Donald. We may have to send someone to your house to find the rest of the books and bring them back..."

"You can't do that! It's MY house! That's not fair! I told you I'd give them back...!"

"Well, our patience is wearing thin, Donald. If we don't have those books back in two weeks, we're going to have to come and get them, even if that means going to your house..."

"Okay, fine! Go to my house. And take the books. But I'll teach you! When I grow up I'm going to be president of the United States, and then I can keep anything I want!"

"I certainly admire your ambition, Donald. But if you don't return those books you 'borrowed' you won't be going to third grade next year..."

August 30, 2020

A deep bow to Bess Levin at Vanity Fair (one of our favorite columnists) for putting together an easy-to-read guide to the many lawsuits, civil and criminal, that are pending against former president Donald (catch-me-if-you-can) Trump. While I like to think that I follow such things rather closely, I had to be reminded of some of them, as the number is truly staggering. Yet somehow, the Artful Dodger always seems to avoid being indicted for anything, let alone convicted. How does he do it? Your guess is as good as mine. It certainly can't be because he hires only the best lawyers. Granted a surmise, I would say that many of those who have Trump in their crosshairs are afraid of him—or, more precisely, afraid that a conviction in any suit brought against the con man-in-chief would be close to impossible; that any such case would have to be so airtight that even a jury comprised solely of all-white evangelical Christians couldn't fail to agree unanimously that he was guilty as hell.

Even so, the lawsuits keep piling up, and as the TV commentators love to intone, Trump remains in "legal jeopardy," as, sooner or later, or so the common wisdom dictates, someone will have to pursue one until it actually reaches a courtroom. Trump, meanwhile, seems blithely unconcerned about any "legal jeopardy" he may be facing, fund-raising like there's no tomorrow on his web sites, Save America and Truth Social, and apparently preparing to launch another presidential run for 2024, as the lawsuits move forward at the pace of a snail on Ambien.

With thanks again to Bess Levin, here's a survey of what is pending:

1. The classified-documents investigation. On August 8, the FBI executed a search warrant at Trump's home in Florida, from which were removed eleven boxes of archival documents, many marked top secret or above. The question here seems to be not that Trump has broken the law—that seems perfectly clear—but how many laws he actually violated by taking the documents with him when he returned to Mar-a-Lago after his term of office was over. Prosecution? That's up to Merrick Garland and the Department of Justice. So don't hold your breath. And speaking of the DOJ, there is...

2. The Justice Department's criminal investigation of January 6 and the plot to overturn the 2020 presidential election. The more we learn, the more the evidence points to Trump as the plot's ringleader. Much of that evidence has been laid out in meticulous detail by the House select committee charged with investigating the January 6 attack on the US Capitol building and the events that led up to it. There is no smoking gun, but a vast number of fingerprints, many of them Trump's. Will he get away with that one? The displeasing answer here is "yes."

3. The Georgia criminal investigation. Also about the plot to overturn the 2020 election, this one confined, however, to Trump and his mob's efforts to do so in Georgia. This investigation may have a greater chance to succeed than the federal probe, as Trump, in a phone call to GA secretary of state Brad Raffensperger, did almost everything short of putting a gun to the secretary's head and saying "find me 11,780 votes or you'll be swimming with the fishes." To Trump's way of thinking, it was a "perfect" call (much like the one he made to Ukraine's president, Volodymyr Zelensky); to a grand jury, it may look somewhat less than perfect.

4. The Manhattan D.A.'s criminal case against the Trump Organization etc. Yes, the case was opened somewhere near the end of the last Ice Age; and yes, it has suffered more pratfalls and reverses than a Keystone Kops film—but it does remain an active and open investigation, so it must be included on the list.

5. The NY Attorney General's civil investigation of the Trump organization. The former president was actually deposed by the AG in this one, and invoked his Fifth Amendment right not to answer questions more than 44o times (no, not a world record but not far from it either). A jury may—sooner or later—have a chance to decide that one. But don't count on it.

6. The Westchester County (NY) criminal investigation of the Trump Organization. The question here is whether Trump and his gang of merry men misled officials about the Trump National Golf Club's value, inflating or deflating it depending on whether it was being represented as one of his prize possessions or whether the tax bill was coming due. That should be easy to prove, as such records are clear and publicly available for everyone, including investigators, to see. A no-brainer? It seems so. What is taking prosecutors so long to prove it? Beats me.

7. The DC Attorney General's investigation of January 6. "I think the story is clear," the AG says. "Donald Trump was the ringleader." To which Trump replies, as always, "Then prove it." It is likely that by the time this one comes to trial (if ever), Trump will have served a second term in the White House and taken another gigantic trove of classified documents to his Mar-a-Lago den.

8. The E Jean Carroll defamation suit. Author Carroll sued Trump for defamation in 2019 after he accused her of lying when she said he raped her in a NYC department store dressing room in the '90s. Trump says that when he called her a liar, he was doing so in his "official capacity as president," thus making him immune to the lawsuit. Hard to argue with that defense.

9. The Mary Trump lawsuit. Trump's niece is suing him (and others) for allegedly defrauding her of millions of dollars. That's the kind of fight Trump loves, and he has counter-sued her and The New York Times for engaging in "an insidious plot" as part of a "personal vendetta" against him. So what we have is a tug-of-war, the kind that can drag on in the courts for years to come. Advantage: Trump the Elder.

10. The House of Representatives' January 6 lawsuit. Yes, another one. Represented by the NAACP, ten House lawmakers are suing Trump, Rudy Giuliani and two right-wing militia groups for trying to prevent Congress from certifying the Electoral College votes on January 6.

11. The Eric Swalwell suit. The representative from CA is suing Trump, Giuliani and congressman Mo Brooks over the January 6 insurrection, alleging that they violated a federal civil rights law by trying to block the Electoral College count, among other transgressions.

12. The Capitol Police January 6 lawsuits. Yes, former president "law and order" is the target of three suits filed by Capitol police for physical and emotional injuries suffered during the attack on the Capitol building. All part of a diabolical witch hunt to "get me," says Trump. An impartial jury may disagree.

13. The Metropolitan Police January 6 lawsuit. Two members of the DC Metropolitan police have also sued Trump for the injuries they sustained on January 6, alleging that he "incited the riot"—something the Department of Justice is still trying to prove, in spite of overwhelming evidence to support the premise.

14. The Michael Cohen lawsuit. Trump's former "fixer," Michael Cohen, who served time in prison for following Trump's orders, is baffled as to why his boss wasn't also jailed for issuing said orders. So are we. In any case, he is suing Trump (and various government officials) for allegedly retaliating against him after he said he was writing a tell-all book about his years working for Trump.

15. The class action lawsuit against the Trump Organization and the Trump family. In October 2018, Trump and three of his children (Don Jr., Ivanka and Eric) were named in a class-action suit that alleges they "used their brand name to defraud thousands of working-class individuals by promoting numerous businesses in exchange for 'secret payments'" and were liable for "a pattern of 'racketeering activity' violating the RICO Act." That was almost four years ago. Presumably, the suit still stands, and we should know the result before Don Jr, Ivanka and Eric are eligible to start collecting Social Security.

16. The NAACP Legal Defense Fund voting rights lawsuit. The Fund is suing Trump, the Trump campaign and the GOP National Committee for their attempts to overturn the 2020 election, alleging that in doing so they violated the Voting Rights Act and the Ku Klux Klan Act.

And last but (hopefully) not least:

17. The Trump Tower assault lawsuit. Trump and others are being sued by five individuals who allege that the Trump Organization's then head of security, Keith Schiller, hit one of them over the head during a protest outside Trump's Manhattan headquarters in 2015. Please note: that was seven years ago. Trump was finally deposed in the suit last October.

And there you have it, litigation fans. Seventeen pending lawsuits against former president Trump and/or his family and associates—including several apparent slam-dunks—none of which, based on what we have seen so far, is likely to be settled during our lifetimes. If he is re-elected (God and common sense forbid) in 2024, Trump will hide behind the cloak of the presidency until he is able to dismantle our democracy, declare himself president for life and throw all those who have accused him of wrongdoing in jail.

Impossible, you say? Remember, you heard it here first.

September 2, 2022

Good afternoon. May I speak to the librarian in charge...?"

"Yes, sir, I'll see if she's...wait a minute! Aren't you...?"

"Yes, I am. Everyone's favorite president. And I've come to return these documents. I've been told they're overdue..."

"But sir, we can't possibly accept these! Judging by the labels, many of them are highly classified. We could be in deep trouble simply by looking at them..."

"No, no, you don't understand. I declassified all of them when I left office almost two years ago..."

"You declassified ALL of them? Can you prove that?"

"With all due respect, madam librarian, I'm Donald Trump. I don't have to PROVE anything!"

"Yes, of course; you're absolutely right. Still, we would certainly feel more comfortable if there were some way to verify the declassification. We aren't used to handling documents like these; our clearance level is quite a bit lower than that..."

"Well, you have my word for it. And have I ever lied to you? Don't bother to answer that...it's the kind of question you ask someone without really expecting an answer..."

"You mean rhetorical?"

"If you say so. Anyway, these documents aren't sensitive anymore. One of my lawyers said keeping them at my club in Mar-a-Lago is kind of like having an overdue library book. So I thought I'd bring them to the nearest library... and if there are any fines outstanding, I can direct you to that same lawyer..."

"Well, sir, I'm afraid this may be a bit more complicated than simply returning an overdue book..."

"How so?"

"Well, we may need further permission to accept documents like these—classified, several highly classified—even though you say they have been declassified..."

"But you already have MY permission; there's no higher permission than that."

"Actually, there may be, sir. I believe the National Archives should be consulted to grant their approval before we make a decision as serious as this, and maybe even the Department of Justice too..."

"Why drag them into this? Look, these documents—all declassified, mind you—are MINE! They have nothing to do with the Archives or DOJ. Like I said, they're more like an overdue library book..."

"Even so, sir, we really can't accept them without permission from the Archives. There are laws about this..."

"Laws? Since when has Donald Trump let any laws stand in his way? I'm telling you, I want to return these documents now, as they are clearly overdue..."

"And we must tell you, sir, that as much as we would like to accept them, we simply can't do that until we receive permission from the National Archives; it is not within our power to do that."

"Okay, okay; have it your way. I'll take 'em back to the basement at Mar-a-Lago. But I do have one question for you..."

"Yes, sir, and what would that be?"

"Do you carry Hustler magazine?"

September 12, 2022

"We're havin' a heat wave, a tropical heat wave..." (music by Irving Berlin, introduced by Ethel Waters in the Broadway show "As Thousands Cheer," in 1933—almost ninety years ago)

A tropical heat wave? Gee, no one saw that coming.

This summer's scorching heat wave, arriving without prior notice (for anyone who has been living in a cave), has been unlike any other, not only in the U.S. and Canada, but in Europe and central Asia as well.

Gee, I wonder how that happened. And so abruptly too. There was certainly no prior evidence (insert smiley face here) that summer in many areas would suddenly veer so close to becoming unbearably hot.

As the late Johnny Carson's audience used to ask him, "How hot is it?"

Well, here in the states (some of which were already experiencing moderate to severe drought conditions), heat records starting falling in August and have continued unabated since then. Some examples:

This month, nearly 1,000 records have been broken including more than 270 monthly records, and September isn't half over yet. Some places, like Salt Lake City, Sacramento and Reno, have broken their heat records for the month multiple times and by large margins.

Sacramento and San Jose, California, have set all-time records of 116 and 109 degrees, respectively—in other words, hotter than any previous days in their history. Record-shattering temperatures have also been recorded from Arizona to Washington state and as far east as North Dakota.

Ukiah, CA, about 100 miles north of San Francisco, has tied its all-time September high of 117, while Reno, NV, set a record of 104 degrees, then beat it two days later with a reading of 106. Even Casper, WY, reached triple figures at 100.

In western Canada, the village of Lytton set a September record for British Columbia at 103.3, while Redmond, OR, eclipsed its record with a high of 106.

Several locations in the Mountain West set September heat records last week: Glasgow, MT (106); Sheridan, WY (104); Boise, ID (104); Bowman, ND (102, tie); Helena, MT (102), and Cheyenne, WY (97).

Across the Atlantic, a deadly heat wave has been scorching western Europe, killing hundreds in Spain and Portugal, with temperatures as high as 115 degrees on the Iberian peninsula and bone-dry conditions sparking wildfires and displacing thousands of people in France.

Blistering heat razed the southern hemisphere in January, with record temperatures in Argentina, Uruguay, Paraguay and parts of Brazil. In the Australian town of Onslow, the temperature hit a record 123.3 degrees, while in Perth, the capital of western Australia, there were six straight days with 104-degree temperatures, after a summer in which it experienced eleven days at 104 degrees or above, a new record.

In February, multiple cities in central and southern California experienced record-breaking heat, while in March and April, India and Pakistan experienced one of the hottest periods on record, and in Australia, record heat continued, as the city of Townsville, in North Queensland, equaled or exceeded its previous March temperature record five times in one week.

The U.S. heat wave started in May, stretching from Chicago to Memphis, Baltimore to Philadelphia, New York City to Washington, DC. In June, Phoenix tied a daily record for the month at 114 degrees, while North Platte, NE, reached a record high of 108, Death Valley hit 123 and Memphis 98 with a heat index that raised it to 110.

Not to be outdone, China suffered through a series of heat waves in July, while the United Kingdom saw the first red extreme heat warning ever to be issued in that country, leading to the declaration of a national emergency on July 15. Included was a new record temperature in the UK of 104.54 degrees. The heat wave in China, which is in its third month, is the most severe such event ever recorded anywhere in the world.

From July to September, record-setting heat continued to spread throughout the US, as more than 85 percent of the country experienced temperatures at or above 90 degrees in July alone. In August, more than eighty million Americans were placed under heat alerts. Also in August, heat records were set in Albany and Islip, NY; Boston; Newark, NJ, and even Missoula, MT.

On September 1, Death Valley set a new world record at 127 degrees. Three days later, Casper, WY, reached 100 degrees for the first time. A day later, Sacramento and San Francisco set new daily records, as did Salt Lake City, and California's power grid nearly collapsed. The unprecedented heat wave (temperatures up to 110 degrees) continued in California from September 3-9.

As a result of the record heat, and an accompanying lack of rainfall, rivers in many areas of the world are drying up, from the Colorado in the US to the Rhine, Danube, Loire and Volga in Europe, the Yangtze and many others in China and central Asia.

Is there any relief to be found from the historic heat and drought? Well, yes, but the cure could be worse than the disease. Pakistan, for example, has been devastated this summer not by record-setting heat but by catastrophic floods caused by unstoppable rain. A "monster monsoon season" has left parts of the country resembling "a small ocean," with an area the size of Wyoming completely under water.

Even in the US, where record heat continues to bake many areas, scientists have recorded at least six "1,000-year rain events" within a month: in Dallas, TX (9 inches of rain); Death Valley (1.5 inches); eastern Kentucky (10 inches); Mississippi (8 inches); southeastern Illinois (12 inches) and St. Louis (9 inches).

By now, based on the purpose of this column, you may be asking yourself, what does any of this have to do with former president Donald ("It snowed in December!") Trump. And the answer is that while in office, Trump did everything in his power to turn the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) into the Enervated Pollution Agency, appointing a fellow climate change-denier (Scott Pruitt) to lead it, purging the agency of scientists and other experts who had some familiarity with climate change, slashing its annual budget by 30 percent and in general trying to turn a blind eye to its very existence.

Yes, Trump has not been alone in ignoring climate change and global warming. Until the Biden administration took a first baby step by passing climate reform legislation last month, almost none of our elected leaders (Al Gore excepted) had spoken forcefully or often about the dangers of climate change—and a large number of them still refuse to concede that a problem exists, brushing aside the enormous number of disastrous climate events this year as an anomaly.

A word to the wise (if there are any of you out there): these catastrophic episodes are by no means an exception to the rule. Unless something is done, and done quickly, to mitigate them, they may soon become the rule, something we can look forward to, and dread, on a yearly basis. The planet is warming, the glaciers are melting, the oceans are both warming and cresting, and it looks like the human race is in for a rude awakening and rough ride, thanks to its inaction and denial.

I'd love to close on an optimistic note, promising that the world's cavalry will soon arrive to remedy its plight and set everything aright, but as of this moment I really can't see that happening. There is simply too much at stake—politically, economically, and especially financially—for the people of the world to take a good hard look at what is happening and take the necessary steps to save themselves from maximal disaster (read: extinction) before it is too late. Compared to that, even the thought of Donald Trump regaining the White House seems somehow less abhorrent. Yes, it is that serious.

September 20, 2022

PBS-TV has begun airing Ken Burns' chilling three-part documentary series, The US and the Holocaust. I use the word "chilling" not only to to express my revulsion with the horrors that took place some seven decades ago in Nazi Germany but to recognize that history unlearned has resurfaced here in the States in the guise of "Make America White (pardon, Great) Again." That is indeed chilling.

The latest attempt to replace democracy with a more authoritarian form of government, led by former president Donald Trump, came perilously close to succeeding on January 6, 2021, when hordes of heavily armed Trump supporters stormed the US Capitol building and scattered members of congress, there to validate Joe Biden's electoral college victory, to the four winds. Fortunately, the mob was eventually turned back and the congress was able to carry out its prescribed duties.

The abortive putsch followed a pattern established by Trump's hero and role model, Adolph Hitler, who used a similar tactic in Munich in 1923. Hitler's maneuver failed, as did Trump's, but unlike Trump, Hitler was sent to prison where he wrote the book Mein Kampf (My Struggle) and set about planning a more successful comeback.

To do so, Hitler needed a scapegoat. Enter the Jews, whom Hitler painted as monsters who were responsible for every misfortune Germany had ever suffered including that country's humiliating defeat in World War I, "the war to end all wars." Eliminate the Jews, Hitler proclaimed, and he would "make Germany great again."

Like Hitler, Trump has been planning a comeback, this time in 2024. And like Hitler, Trump needs a scapegoat to help assure the plan's success. He couldn't target the Jews, as Hitler had—that would be too simplistic, and easily seen for what it was, a ploy to help restore him to power. No, Trump had to look elsewhere for his boogeymen—and it was here that QAnon came into play. Outlandish as most of their theories and beliefs had proven to be, the conspiracists had at least come up with the perfect scapegoat: the Democrats, no longer simply members of the party opposed to Trump's ambitions but out-and-out monsters who would drink the blood of innocent children and eat what was left.

Surprising, you say? What is even more surprising is the number of people who actually believe that is true, or at least could be. And their number is no doubt increasing since Trump has gone full QAnon on his web site, Truth Social. QAnon, according to Trump and his allies, doesn't engage in conspiracy "theories"—instead, it reports on legitimate conspiracies that only its inner circle is astute enough to unravel and expose—such as the nefarious schemes devised and carried out under cover of darkness by the loathsome Democrats.

As the Holocaust makes clear, this is where it begins—with a monster. And the monster must be seen as such an existential threat that people are convinced they must be protected from its deadly purpose. In this case, no less than an entire political party is being painted as monstrous. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? And yet in Nazi Germany, EVERY Jew—from the tiniest tot to the oldest pensioner—was a monster, because the Fuhrer said it was so. There were no exceptions, because a single exception could mean there were more. And so every Jew had to be removed or eliminated.

Damn the Democrats? Or anyone who doesn't think, look or act like your friends and associates? It is one of the oldest ploys in every dictator's handbook. Unfortunately, it is also one of the most beneficial.

Elsewhere...

Hurricane Sofia has been battering Puerto Rico, inundating the island with torrential rains. The situation is so grave that the governor himself phoned Mar-a-Lago and implored former president Trump to send more paper towels...

Queen Elizabeth II, who reigned for more than seventy years in the UK, was buried this week. To me, a royal funeral service is rather like a solar or lunar eclipse. It doesn't happen often, and even though there is nothing special to see, a large number of people are moved to watch it anyway...

September 30, 2022

"All the world's a stage
And all the men and women
Merely players"

—William Shakespeare "As You Like It" Act II, Scene VII

How, many people ask, has a certified ding-a-ling like Donald Trump and his band of merry morons been able to capture and sustain the undivided loyalty and devotion of millions of Americans, many of whom seem to be otherwise relatively sane and certainly should know better. And the answer is quite simple, really...

They get it!

From the moment he descended that escalator more than seven years ago, Trump got it. And it wasn't long before those who bought into Trump's ludicrous "let's play president!" confidence game got it too.

Got what? you may ask.

Got the key to seizing and holding on to power in American politics, which is (drum roll, please)...

Entertainment! The vast majority of Americans don't really care who is running the government, or even what kind of government is being run. They don't see the finer points of governing as any of their business; they simply want to be entertained!

That's right...not regulated, not supervised—merely entertained!

And what better way to be entertained than by electing an entertainer to be your president. Peel away the lies, the criminality, the ineptitude, the bombast, the double-speak and that's what Trump is: an entertainer, a huckster, and most of all, a con man without peer. Yes, the emperor Trump does have clothes, but that wardrobe more befits a circus clown than the leader of the free world.

The thing is, he doesn't care. Trump's only goal is to dupe the American people into giving him a second chance to dismantle their democracy. It doesn't matter how he gets there, only that he does. Smoke and mirrors? If they serve his purpose, fog and reflections it is. Trump never met an accusation or a question he couldn't dodge, nor envisioned a scenario in which he wasn't the leading man, the absolute center of attention. No matter that most of what comes out of his mouth is gibberish; he says it with such easy assurance that those who have swallowed the bait are more than happy to be reeled in by a consummate swindler who has little to offer aside from platitudes and perversions.

Naturally, Trump's shallowness has had a trickle-down effect. When congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, for example, rants about "peach tree dishes," "gazpacho police" and "fragrantly violated rights," she may as well be singing

"Let me entertain you
Let me make you smile
Let me do a few tricks
Some old and then some new tricks
I'm very versatile."

—Jule Styne/Stephen Sondheim "Gypsy," 1959

As underlined by her nonsensical behavior, Greene really gets it. Voters didn't elect her to govern, but to entertain. And if that means loading and firing an AR15, or making bird-brained comments, so be it. She wasn't hired to advance policy or draft legislation. Nor was Colorado's Lauren Boebert who hasn't taken in IQ test because she can't spell the word "IQ." They and other GOP "leaders" know what most voters want; not leadership but amusement, diversion. Who needs plans, who needs a purpose when merriment is the goal?

As Donald O'Connor advised in Singin' in the Rain (1951), "Make 'em laugh!" That's the (amusing) ticket to nomination and election, GOP-style.

Herschel Walker, a former football star who once "entertained" the people of Georgia with his gridiron heroics, is now broadcasting the preposterous idea that he could serve as an effective member of the US Senate, in spite of a history of serial lying, business failures and sexual harassment. His "entertaining" way with the English language has apparently convinced enough voters of his readiness to make Walker's midterm contest with Raphael Warnock, a man with actual legislative experience and none of Walker's personal baggage, much closer than it should be. That's because Walker gets it. Once elected, he wouldn't actually have to govern; he could simply go to Washington and sit behind a desk, emerging every once in a while to do or say something "entertaining." That should be enough to assure his continuing popularity and electability in Georgia. Walker knows he'll never have to govern; he need only join the GOP chorus line.

If the word "entertainment" seems implausible, our two-party system has nudged it closer to inevitable, making the notion of who can best govern the country largely irrelevant. Those voters who have an "R" on their registration i.d. line up in the right lane, those with a "D" in the left. Doesn't much matter who is running for office; the "Rs" try to outnumber the "Ds," and vice versa. Which means that most elections are decided by a handful of "swing" voters, some of whom actually pay attention to who stands for what and why.

In most cases, their erudition is easily outdistanced by the "entertainment" factor, which begins once candidates are in the starting gate and their competition for office is treated like a horse race whose winner isn't necessarily the most qualified but is often the most "entertaining." As the song says:

"Hip hooray!
The American way
The world is a stage
The stage is a world
Of entertainment!"

—Howard Dietz/Arthur Schwartz "The Bandwagon," 1953

It does seem, however, that the Democrats may have finally gotten the message. According to the Beltway rumor mill, Joe Biden plans to step aside in '24 in favor of a new and more amiable Dem ticket, headed by Stephen Colbert and Julia Louis-Dreyfus (reprising her TV role as veep). Looks like a no-brainer to me. No, wait! If it's a no-brainer the GOP wins...

October 4, 2022

"Have you heard the news?"

"What news?"

"The news about Donald Trump!"

"Oh, please tell me he has finally been indicted...!"

"No, nothing like that. In fact, it turns out that he is actually the Son of Man, the Christ!"

What? I knew Trump was a son of something, but 'man' isn't the word that came to mind..."

"Well, according to two new books, one by Helgard Muller and another by Carlene Phoebe—and their credentials are impeccable (they're both high school graduates)—the former president has been anointed by God to be the world's savior, as prophesied by no less than the Holy Bible's New Testament."

"But how can that be? He's... he's..."

"Yes, he is—and that's the brilliant part of the plan! Just as God tested the faith of the Hebrews by sending a savior who was the son of a lowly carpenter, he's now testing our faith by sending someone who's a swindler, a con man, a serial liar and an adulterer! Anyone who can look past the camouflage and recognize Trump as God's chosen messenger wins the door prize: salvation and eternal life! And maybe even a high-level position at the Justice Department..."

Wow! Tell me more..."

"Well, according to Muller—and we've no reason to doubt him—the Son of Man is the 'King of Kings' who will rule the tribes (nations) of the world with an iron rod..."

"But Stormy Daniels says Trump doesn't have an iron rod..."

"In his defense, Trump says he was especially tired that evening...It's really quite stressful to try and hide something like that from your pregnant wife. Anyway, Muller says Trump's name literally means 'the Ruler of the World' who is 'descended from a Drummer.'"

"Buddy Rich?"

"No, nothing that lofty, but nonetheless an exalted lineage..."

"Well, what does Phoebe have to say?"

"Basically the same as Muller, that Trump is our anointed lord and savior, but she makes it even easier to understand, as she points out that 'the countdown has begun,' and now that we know 'the countdown and sequence of events' we will be able to 'unlock the Chinese Box in [the book of] Revelation.'"

"The Chinese box? Where did that come from?"

"Well, she's obviously basing that allusion on the Chinese take-out version of the Bible..."

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