The Trump Files

October 15, 2021

Southerners once had a word for interlopers who came to their cities and towns from other areas to try and tell them how to live their lives and run their businesses: the word was "carpetbagger." The most recent example is one Herschel Walker who has moved from Texas to Georgia at the behest of former president Donald ("whatever it takes!") Trump to run for a seat in the US senate. Georgia Republicans have a word for that too. No, not carpetbagger. Local hero. Walker, whose sole qualification for the senate seems to be that he once won the Heisman Trophy while playing football at the University of Georgia, has the full support of the state's GOP lackeys who wouldn't dare oppose an endorsement by their sovereign lord in Mar-a-Lago. This week, they were forced to overlook the fact that Mr Touchdown doesn't even know a swastika when he sees one. One of Walker's supporters, a film/TV producer (and GOP donor) named Bettina Viviano-Langlais, used the image of a swastika made from syringes as her twitter profile picture. After defending the image as being anything but a swastika, Walker and his team were forced to acknowledge the backlash and cancel a fund-raiser with Viviano-Langlais, saying that "despite the fact that the apparent intent behind the graphic was to condemn government vaccine mandates, the symbol used is very offensive and does not reflect the values of Herschel Walker or his campaign."

As for the values Walker does espouse, one woman in Texas accused him of stalking and threatening her, while two others—his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend—told authorities Walker said he would "shoot them in the face." True, those allegations were made years ago, when Walker was admittedly dealing with mental health issues (more specifically, dissociative identity disorder—he says he has a dozen distinct identities, or alters), but they do offer solid evidence that he's Trump's kinda candidate. No one has yet said how many times his name will appear on the ballot.

Meanwhile, former President Barnum was busy trying to make news in his usual understated way, telling supporters on his website, "If we don't solve the Presidential Election Fraud of 2020 (which we have thoroughly and conclusively documented), Republicans will not be voting in '22 or '24. It is the single most important thing for Republicans to do." Or, not to do. In any case, it seems like good news for those Democrats who are running for office in '22 or '24, as Trump's vacuous disciples are prone to follow through on whatever he demands, no matter how outlandish or absurd. Would they dare risk his wrath and condemnation by sneaking to the polls on election day to cast a vote? Enough of them stayed home in Georgia in the '20 election to deliver senate control to the Democrats. After unraveling Trump's manifesto (never an easy task), one might reasonably argue that he is trying to "rig" those elections, something he has accused Democrats on an almost daily basis of doing in 2020. But to what purpose? Is he preparing the stage for a Democratic landslide, only to accuse them post facto of "stealing" another election? Even one in which he insisted that Republicans should not vote? With Trump the Sorcerer, one never really knows. One fact that has been "thoroughly and conclusively documented," however, is that after admonishing his brain-dead minions once more about the "Presidential Election Fraud of 2020," Trump's nose grew another three inches longer.

In other Trump-style news...

The former swindler-in-chief was livid upon being told that a man in Pennsylvania was in custody, charged with impersonating him to defraud hundreds of victims across the country. "He can't do that!" Trump bellowed. "That's MY job!" According to prosecutors, Joshua Hall misrepresented himself while soliciting funds for a purported Trump re-election organization that doesn't exist—unlike Trump himself, who solicits funds for a re-election organization that does exist before pocketing the money himself, a strategy that is perfectly legal, as he lets everyone know in advance that he is a shameless huckster before relieving them of their cash. You see the difference, don't you? One is a devious fraud who takes pleasure in conning the suckers to feather his own nest; the other is Joshua Hall.

October 22, 2021

George Orwell would be so proud. Former president Donald ("call me Pinocchio") Trump announced this week that he is planning to launch a new social media platform, to be named "Truth Social." That's right: Truth. Truth as in up is down, in is out, day is night, elections are phony—that kind of truth. The aim, he says, is to "create a rival to the liberal media consortium," or in Trump-speak, a rival to those media who refuse to accept the "truth" that Trump won the 2020 presidential election, only to have it stolen from him by ingenious yet super-stealthy forces of evil whose names or whereabouts are unknown but whose implacable efforts to overturn an election have woven the fabric of legend.

Trump's platform, if indeed it ever leaves the launching pad, will be aimed in part toward offsetting his ban and suspension from Twitter and Facebook, which took the decisions after he voiced his support for the January 6 Capitol insurrection, calling those who sought to overthrow our democracy "patriots." Although the Taliban "has a huge presence" on Twitter, Trump blustered, "your favorite president has been silenced." More than likely because most Americans' favorite presidents are dead.

Meanwhile, the lawsuits, civil and criminal, federal and state, against Trump, his company, children, employees, business associates and almost anyone with whom he has shared KFC and fries continue to grind slowly forward, marked by a seeming inability on the part of prosecutors to pin anything on him. He may simply be too clever, as a lawsuit concerning his ownership of the Trump National Golf Club in Westchester County, NY, seems to show. The town of Ossining sets property taxes for the course, based on its assessed value. The bigger the value, the larger the tax bill.

According to the county, Trump National's value is around $15 million. And according to Trump, its value is more like $1.4 million, which is the figure his attorneys have used in successfully appealing the tax levy more than once. That is not, however, the same figure Trump used on federal disclosure forms when he was serving as president. On those forms, the club was said to be worth more than $50 million. That's a teeny step up from $1.4 million. Taking careful note of that, the Westchester County D.A.'s office said, "Something here doesn't quite add up, but we're not really sure what it is." Could it be some sort of tax dodge? "We're working overtime to resolve that," prosecutors said. "Sure, $50 million is a lot more than $1.4 million, but maybe the greens were upgraded, the bar and grill given a new coat of paint or new chairs. And the cost of burgers and beer has gone up. There are a number of things that could account for a $48.6 million difference in over-all value. We're gonna have to do a more thorough appraisal to make absolutely certain no one is padding the books. We think we could possibly be onto something here, but it's going to take time... a lot of time... to figure out if the former president has done anything shady or unlawful..."

And so it goes. Lawsuit after lawsuit. Charge after charge. Deposition after deposition. And eventually, it is hoped, trial after trial. The bottom line, so far, is that former president Houdini remains a free man, gleefully thumbing his nose at those who seek to charge and even convict him of some transgression. That could, of course, change... but we'll believe it when we see it.

October 29, 2021

Happy Halloween. Here's a narrative that should chill you to the bone...

Rumor has it that former president (it still pains me to have to place the word "president," even with the proviso "former," in front of the name) Donald Trump plans to run for the White House again in 2024. If he does throw his MAGA hat in the ring, the best part (for Trump) is, he won't even have to campaign. Oh, he'll hold the usual "lock 'em up" and "rigged election" rallies, simply because he craves the attention and adoration, but for many millions of deluded and brain-dead Americans, just seeing the name "Trump" on a ballot is incentive enough to cast their vote for the worst president and greatest con man who ever lived.

Even so, that may not warrant enough votes to get him elected, no matter who the Democratic challenger is. But unlike the botched fiasco in 2020, when bullying, pleading whining, lawsuits, flat-out lying and even an attempted coup weren't enough to overturn the result—a landslide victory for Joe Biden—this time the former conniver-in-chief has a solid Plan B. First, he repeats the Big Lie that the last election was stolen, then sits back and waits while his hand-picked lackeys in closely contested states agree that, yes, his votes were indeed under-counted while those cast for his opponent were rife with fraud, and any decision in favor of said opponent must therefore be reversed and the state's electoral votes awarded to Trump. The result: another landslide, this time for the clown.

Far-fetched? Delusional? Not at all. In fact, the scam more than likely would have worked in 2020 had Trump set the proper machinery in place. He's busy making sure the same mistake isn't repeated. And as if Plan B weren't insurance enough, Trump has received a sorely-needed helping hand from a pair of Democratic senators, Joe Manchin (WV) and Kyrsten Sinema (AZ), who helped make sure there would be no paid maternity leave or free community college in Biden's massive Build Back Better plan, no expanded Medicare coverage and no "burdensome" taxes on billionaires, nor would the government be able to negotiate for lower prescription drug prices, a no-brainer that even more than 70 percent of Republicans favor (but one that every single lobbyist for Big Pharma opposes, which makes one wonder who Manchin and Sinema are really representing).

About two years ago, investigative reporter Greg Palast wrote a book, ''How Trump Stole 2020." As it turns out, Palast was well ahead of the curve but off by one election cycle. I can't say whether Trump has had Palast's book read to him but he's been putting many of the lessons therein into practice. Voter suppression and purging (check) are high on the list, as is the replacement (check) of non-partisan election officials in states across the country that are controlled by GOP legislatures. If Trump isn't "rigging" the election (yes, he is), he is certainly stacking the deck, and almost every ace is up his sleeve. Trump will never admit he lost in 2020 and is making sure he won't have to in 2024. My only consolation, if you can call it that, is that I'll be eighty-nine years old (if I'm still breathing) in 2024, and more than likely won't be around to witness the resurrection of the Third Reich in my home country. While the thought of leaving isn't pleasant, neither is the likelihood of witnessing the end of America's democratic experiment, one that seemed incorruptible until it was corrupted and destroyed by a single charlatan posing as a friend of the people (as all dictators do). And so I must close this edition of The Trump Files with mixed emotions and an unquenchable sense of tyranny yet to come...

November 5, 2021

Another spooky scenario...

After Donald Trump "wins" the 2024 presidential election—with more than a little help from his friends—his longer-range ambitions will move him quickly toward what may seem an unlikely companion: the U.S. Constitution. More specifically, to the Constitution's Amendment 22, Section 1, which stipulates that "No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more than once."

Trump's lawyers will argue in court that the amendment applies only to persons who serve two CONSECUTIVE terms, not to those who, like the disputant-in-chief, served one term, were thrown out of office by the voters, then "elected" to a second term. It's an argument that has never been made before, one that will inevitably wend its way to—where else?—the U.S. Supreme Court, whose impartial justices will—surprise!—agree that Trump's assertion is valid, and that he is free to run for re-election in 2028. Trump's voter suppression/legislative piracy apparatus will once again swing into high gear, and the U.S. will be saddled with a second (actually, a third) Trump administration, by the end of which he and his minions will have dismantled every pillar of democracy this country has ever known—including free and fair elections—thus paving the way for the dreaded yet inevitable Trump Dynasty: Don Jr, Eric, Ivanka, Barron (although not necessarily in that order) and their children. Well, at least we'll have political stability...

And you thought our Halloween column was frightening!

The Right Person for the Job...

On October 29, Elizabeth Prelogar was confirmed by the US senate to be the nation's solicitor general. Three days later, she argued on behalf of the Justice Department in its brief against the state of Texas and its restrictive (and clearly unconstitutional) law limiting legal abortions to six weeks—and her argument was nothing short of brilliant! Point by rational point, she easily demolished Texas' plea while making questions asked by the High Court justices sound like the disjointed ramblings of first-graders on their first day at school.

"In the history of the United States, no state has done what Texas has done here," Prelogar told the court. "No state has ever sought to challenge the supremacy of federal law and keep the courts out of the equation quite the same way.

"If a state can just take this simple mechanism of taking its enforcement authority and giving it to the general public, backed up with a bounty of $10,000 or $1,000,000, if they can do that, then no constitutional right is safe, no constitutional decision from this court is safe. That would be an intolerable state of affairs, and it cannot be the law."

That is only a part of what the solicitor general had to say. Her statement in its entirety is jaw-dropping. If I were ever accused of anything, I'd want Elizabeth Prelogar leading my defense team. Case closed.

And from our WTF files...

Among the world's 192 countries, only half a dozen offer no form of paid maternity leave. Five are small island countries in the Pacific, while the other is... you guessed it... the wealthiest nation on earth, the one whose flag we proudly salute while chanting "We're No. 1!"

No less than fifteen countries offer fully-paid maternity leave ranging from six to thirty weeks. In Bulgaria, the minimum number of required weeks for maternity leave is 58.6—more than a year. It's called civilization, and we should try it sometime. What we hear instead from our elected "leaders" is "we can't afford it," or "it's not necessary." Joe Manchin, our DINO (Democrat in Name Only; also short for "dinosaur") senator from West Virginia, says he's in favor of paid maternity leave, then quickly offers a hundred or more reasons why we can't enact it now. No matter how persuasive his stance, please keep in mind that Manchin is arguing against paid maternity leave!

The question is, why do we keep re-electing these clowns? Surely they must be aware that the US is almost alone in its stubborn resistance to helping women (and men) whose lives are turned upside down by the arrival of a newborn and risk losing jobs and more because they are unable to cope. Of the dozen countries with the longest periods of maternity leave, Estonia is the stingiest with a twenty-week allotment. Estonia! Shouldn't we be hanging our heads in shame?

Several countries, such as Chile, Australia and Denmark, not only offer paid maternity leave after the fact but before childbirth as well, up to as many as eight weeks. In at least fifteen countries, the salary rate during maternity leave is 100 percent, and we're talking absences of up to twenty weeks. And again, one of those countries is Estonia—population 1,326,000! And we haven't even touched on paternity leave, another perk offered in several countries.

Bottom line: almost every country in the world has found a way to offer paid maternity leave to its citizens—while the United States, population roughly 333 million, continues to drag its feet and make excuses. Why? Well, with more than 90 percent of incumbents in congress usually re-elected, no matter how clueless, incompetent or bat-shit crazy they are, where's the incentive?

November 11, 2021

Under the Trump administration (and we use the word "administration" in the broadest possible sense), the phrase "infrastructure week" became a running gag. In spite of boasting almost daily about his plans to "rebuild" America's sagging infrastructure, the dawdler-in-chief never lifted a finger to improve anything. When he (thankfully) left office, the country's infrastructure was in worse shape than when he arrived.

Now that Trump is gone, safely hunkered down at Mar-a-Lago, Democrats in the House of Representatives, pushed hard by president Biden, managed to pass and send to his desk a $1.2 trillion infrastructure package, the largest and most comprehensive in our country's history. Its major components include $550 billion for transportation of all kinds and $240 billion for utilities including the power grid, broadband improvement and water quality. On top of that, there is

$110 billion for repairing, replacing and adding new roads and bridges.

$66 billion for passenger and freight rail improvements.

$39 billion for public transit including repairs to buses, rail cars, tracks and stations.

$25 billion for airport repairs and maintenance.

$17 billion for improving America's ports.

$15 billion for vehicle electrification programs including a nationwide network of charging stations.

$11 billion for a "Safe Streets for All" program designed to reverse the recent increase in U.S. highway deaths including those involving bicyclists and pedestrians.

From the looks of it, the bill seems to cover almost every base when it comes to repairing and strengthening the country's long-neglected infrastructure. It does, however, lack one key ingredient—the former president's seal of approval.

That's right. Ex-president "infrastructure matters!" and "I alone can fix it!" doesn't really want to see any improvements in our infrastructure—that is, he doesn't want to see any reparations that don't have the name "Trump" indelibly affixed to them. Need? He sees only one; his own need for adulation and empowerment. As for anyone else's needs, screw them.

Thirteen Republican members of the House broke ranks and voted to lend their fellow Americans a sorely needed helping hand, literally putting their lives and careers on the line to do so. Death threats and accusations up to and including "traitor" quickly followed, while other GOP members of the House reportedly worked on a plan to strip some or all of the turncoats of their committee posts. Yes, all that for voting to help rebuild America's crumbling infrastructure! As Trump so cynically pointed out, "they are RINOs (Republicans in Name Only) who should be ashamed of themselves." No real Republican should ever vote to help someone else unless that someone has an assets portfolio that starts with a "b."

Indeed, who wouldn't be ashamed of voting for legislation like that. Sure, it may help the American people by revitalizing the country's infrastructure, but it does nothing for Trump or his ambition to run for president again in 2024. Which is all that really matters to him. A few more bills along those lines and some of his cataleptic followers may wake up and think (an extremely rare but not unknown phenomenon in Trump World), "y'know, the Orange Wizard really didn't do that much for me after all; I seem to be faring much better with the Democrats in charge." The sort of delayed but no less horrifying perception that must inhabit Trump's worst nightmares.

But he needn't worry. Trump's zealous and truth-deprived puppets have been so thoroughly brainwashed that "good" (as in, "an infrastructure bill that will help millions of people, Republicans and Democrats alike") is actually "bad" (as in, "Trump doesn't like it"). As the Mad Hatter was heard to remark, "Anyone for tea?"

November 20, 2021

"Hello everyone, this is Mike Lindell—the MyPillow guy—and I'm honored to have as my guest on today's podcast the actual president of the United States, and my lord and master, the honorable Donald J Trump. Welcome to the program, Mr president."

"Thanks, Mike; it's always great to see you... And this is your show, so fire away..."

"Well, Mr president, I don't mean to dredge up unpleasant topics, but I feel we must talk first about the January 6 commission, a group of slimy reptiles whose sole purpose is to cast aspersions on your patriotic friends and colleagues and drag your name through the mud..."

"That's certainly right, Mike. But let me tell you, I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it..."

"I'm happy to hear that, your worship. But if you should lose any sleep, always remember—you can use a special promo code today to buy classic MyPillows and pillow cases online for well under half-price...and so can everyone else who is listening...that's MyPillow, for the best sleep you've ever had...but hurry! At this low price those pillows should be moving fast, and the offer is good for a limited time only..."

"You don't have to sell me, Mike. I've been a MyPillow fan for years... wouldn't sleep on anything else. Unless, of course, you ever cross me, in which case it's an entirely different story..."

"You needn't worry about that, m'lord (chuckling). You can always count on my faithful and groveling allegiance..."

"Great to hear that, Mike. Because if I ever learned you were bad-mouthing me I'd have you wrapped in a sheet and tossed in the garbage, that I can tell you."

"You'll never have to do that, Mr president. But if you should, make sure it's a genuine Giza cotton sheet from MyPillow, guaranteed to be the most comfortable sheet you'll ever own (or use as a body bag). They're also on sale right now at an unbelievably low price. Just go to MyPillow.com to see the wide selection...But we're not here to talk about sheets, Mr president...we're here to talk truth. As I'm sure you know, almost every true American believes the 2020 election was stolen from you. How are the plans to overturn the results and reinstate you in office going?"

"Glad you asked, Mike. Actually, we're making great progress. Sidney Powell has already linked voter fraud in Arizona, Georgia and Pennsylvania to a clandestine spy network in Tasmania, financed by a shady bank in Uttar Pradesh, which had millions of phony ballots for Biden printed in Malaysian sweat shops run by Democrat pedophiles and cannibals and shipped here via the Underground Railroad. She's waiting only on the satellite signals from Jupiter to confirm that. Should be making a blockbuster announcement in a week or so. Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani has assured me he's using a state-of-the-art GPS system to locate the proper Four Seasons hotel for his next press conference. I can tell you, he won't let me down again..."

"Of course he won't, Mr president—especially if he uses the Premium 700 Fill Down Comforter from MyPillow, available to listeners of this program for a special discount price of 30 percent off, our lowest ever!...But enough about comforters; we have many important topics to discuss. For instance, we haven't even mentioned 2024 and your plans to reassume the office that rightfully belongs to you..."

"I'll tell you, Mike, I honestly haven't decided about that yet—I use the word 'honestly' to let you know I actually have. As you know, Mike, the election has already been rigged; they've been working on that, I've been told by many people who should know, since about 1974, making sure well ahead of time that it would be stolen from me. But I was talking to a smart young fellow the other day—Jerry Mandering, I think his name was—and he says there should be an easy way around that. So I may be leaning toward running again after all, even though if I lose it's rigged."

"That's great, Mr president! But don't forget you'll run even better and more comfortably in MySlippers genuine leather four-layer slip-on moccasins from MyPillow—on sale for less than half-price if you act soon..."

"Yeah, I've tried them, Mike. Most comfortable shoes I've ever worn...and really versatile...great on the golf course, which is where I spend much of my time..."

"Thanks for the kind words, Mr President. Y'know, we make 'em for women too...same great features in four lovely colors...also on sale now..."

"Is that right? And I thought all along you only made pillows. Mike, it seems there's a lot more to MyPillow than meets the eye."

"Yes, sir, there really is. Besides the pillows, cases, sheets, comforters and moccasins, we sell bedding, mattresses and bed frames, bath mats, beach towels, men's and women's clothing, hats, scarves, pillow accessories, even pet beds and a bobble-head doll with my likeness...in other words, a full range of high-quality products for home and bath, and all on sale today at MyPillow.com..."

"Mike, that's the best news I've heard since we locked up Hillary! But tell me, can everyone get those same tremendously low prices at My Pillow?"

"Yes, they can, Mr President. They can either go to our web site or call me at home, 24/7. We really need to get that stock moving before Christmas..."

"Speaking of stock, Mike, I loved the stock photos, graphs and 'experts' you used during that 'Stop the Steal' symposium. Very impressive...convinced the hell out of me..."

"Thank you, Mr President. I've had people tell me it was the most fantastic event they'd ever attended..."

"Well, they were right. Fantastic is the word; no doubt about that. Look it up. I watched from a couch at Mar-a-Lago, my head resting easily on a Giza Elegance MyPillow..."

"Please, Mr President!... I'm flattered, but enough about MyPillow!...no matter how comfortable and affordable they are—especially at steep discount prices. People might think we're doing an infomercial here..."

"You mean we're not?"

"Of course not, my liege. MyPillow just happened to come up several times during our more serious conversation about world affairs and your rightful place in the universe...purely coincidental, nothing more..."

"Thanks for setting the record straight, Mike. And while we're setting the record straight...I want to write this down...you did say the web site is MyPillow.com, right?"

"That's exactly right, mein kommandant—exactly like DonaldJTrump.com, except instead of 'Donald J Trump' it's 'My Pillow.'"

"I've been wondering when you were gonna mention Trump.com..."

Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have today, dear listeners. So thank you again, Mr Pillow... I mean, Mr President... for your always unique and... dare I say, fantastic?... views on politics and your unending quest to right the wrongs you have suffered. I can see that it's been wearing you down. So please go home and get some sleep... on a classic MyPillow, of course! Did I mention they're now on sale? And for much less than half-price? Call me!... and until next week, when our very special guest will be John F Kennedy Jr... this is Mike Lindell—the MyPillow guy—saying good night, and sleep well...on a Giza cotton or Classic MyPillow, of course...!"

December 2, 2021

The scene: a government office building on Peachtree Street in downtown Atlanta (well, everything in downtown Atlanta is on Peachtree Street). The director of Human Resources is speaking:

"Good morning, Mr Jones-Smith. Please have a seat..."

"The name is Smith-Jones, sir..."

"Oh, I am sorry...I'll make a note of that...I do see on your resume that Smith-Jones is not your given name, that you changed it from Mengele..."

"Yes. Mengele had some unfortunate connotations..."

"I can understand that. So Jones-Smith it is..."

"Smith-Jones, sir..."

"Yes, right you are. Well, let's have a look at your CV...hmm, I see you that graduated, with honors, from Trump University. That's certainly impressive..."

"Thank you, sir."

"With masters degrees in prevarication and obfuscation..."

"Second in my class, sir."

"And you minored in...it says here, constitutional nullification. Is that right?"

"Yes, it is."

"Splendid. And your resume also states that before entering Trump U, you spent a year interning at New York-Presbyterian Hospital..."

"Yes, I wanted to become a children's doctor, sir, but I became overly excited at the sight of blood and wasn't allowed to go near any sharp instruments. So I decided that wasn't really my calling...that if I were to disembowel people, without the yucky blood-letting, politics was the best way to go..."

"Nothing amiss there. Simply sound logic. Now, as you are applying for the office of secretary of state, I must first ask if you've had any actual government experience."

"Not as an elected or appointed official, sir...but I did take an active part last year in post-election audits in Arizona, Georgia and Wisconsin..."

"And what was the outcome...?"

"Well, we did the best we could, sir, but in the end we couldn't 'find' enough votes to overturn the election results..."

"Rotten luck. We've heard some good reports about those audits, especially the one overseen by the Cyber Ninjas. So tell me, besides the audits...any other time spent in government?"

"No, that's about it, sir."

"Well, impressed as we are by your credentials, I'm afraid that for a position as decisive and important as secretary of state, we'll need someone with considerably more experience in governing, so I'm afraid we'll have to..."

"I did bring a letter of recommendation, sir."

"I doubt that it will make a difference, but for the record, who's the letter from, Mr Smith-Jones?"

"It's from Donald Trump, sir."

"From Donald Trump? Let me see that...!"

(Reading aloud): To whom it may concern: This is to introduce to you Mr Josef Smith-Jones, a devoted operator and fantastic young man whose patriotism and preparedness for the position of secretary of state in (fill in the state) are second to none. I would strongly suggest that you "find" a way to approve his application, as I am sure he will perform his duties with surgical precision and supervise "fair" elections to the best of my—I mean, his—ability. And please do not misunderstand the word "suggest." It also "suggests" dinner and drinks with Melania and me at Mar-a-Lago (and the continuation of your job) if we can count on your cooperation. Yours sincerely, (signed) Donald J Trump.

December 9, 2021

Dear reader,

Are you suffering from disinformation overload?

Do you find the elimination of fake news painful and irregular?

Are partisan bickering and preposterous gerrymandering keeping you awake at night?

Are you experiencing the bloated sensation and throbbing pain associated with GOP derangement?

Has your body been aching to hear the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Do you wish there were some way you could clear your head, heal your body and breathe the fresh air of certainty?

Well, wish no more—because your wishes have been granted! The remedy for these and many other irritating ailments is NOW AT HAND in a brand new, never-before-dissembled ruse from the makers of (Fr)audit!—and that remedy is

SAVE AMERICA!

Yes, that's SAVE AMERICA!—the miracle cure-all from the hidden laboratory/country club of Donald ("drink this!") Trump—100 percent guaranteed to allay your fears, dispel your doubts, calm your uneasiness and reinforce your biases—all while making your wallet or purse considerably lighter and easier to carry!

Best of all, not only is SAVE AMERICA available without a prescription, it is free of such needless additives as intellect, common sense or independent thought. And remember, it is 100 percent guaranteed! (to help the highwayman-in-chief hire more lawyers and pay off his mountain of debts—which soothes YOUR conscience as well).

How does SAVE AMERICA work? The good news is, almost instantly! And only one vacuous dose (that's vacuous, not vaccine) is required! Simply get in touch with Team Trump to learn that:

Hydroxychloroquine works! (Note 1: evidence pending; to be supplied at a later date)

The China virus came from a Chinese lab! (see Note 1)

Hunter Biden's laptop was real! (as were those of more than 100 million other Americans, which has nothing to do with anything but looks great on paper)

Lafayette Square was not cleared for a photo op! (no, Trump was making his annual visit to church with a few close friends, many of whom happened to be wearing body armor, wielding truncheons and lobbing tear gas canisters)

The "Russian Bounties" story was fake! (the Russians were actually offering cigarettes and chewing gum to Taliban rebels who promised to help raze every girls' school in the country)

We did produce vaccines before the end of 2020! (and who said we didn't? See Note 1)

Blue state lockdowns didn't work! (and don't be misled by the "fake" mortality rates in Red states)

Schools should be opened! (and classes conducted at nearby hospitals and mortuaries)



Critical Race Theory is a disaster for our schools and our country! (and we'll have much more to say once we've figured out what it is)

Our Southern Border security program was unprecedentedly successful! (just ask the mothers who are still searching for their kids, and vice versa—and notice we spelled "unprecedentedly" correctly)

But wait—there's more!

As a bonus, Save America is offering, for a limited time only, the "OFFICIAL CORRUPT MEDIA SURVEY," which, in the spirit of Fox News, is eminently "fair and balanced." For the first time, readers have a chance to answer such vital questions as:

Do you agree the media hates president Trump? (no "ex-" before "president" in this quiz!)

Do you agree the media lies about president Trump?

Do you agree the media lies to protect Joe Biden? (no, not "president" Biden)

And so on.

The survey does become more difficult, however, with a multiple choice question. Take your time and think hard before answering...

How would you rate CNN/MSNBC?

Very fake
Totally fake
100% fake
All of the above

As we said, fair and balanced. If you're having trouble with that last one, fill in the answer in pencil; you can erase it later. And please try not to think too hard about it; it will only give you a headache.

Yes, Save America (or WinRed) is chock full of fascinating information and fiduciary sophistry. Did you know, for example, that the Official Trump Christmas Stocking is on sale for the near giveaway price of only $40? Oh, I'm sorry...they are now out of stock. So many Santa-loving patriots rushed to claim the prize that the Save America factory in Cambodia simply couldn't find enough children who were willing and able to sew and stitch the stockings for a song (that's no misprint; in lieu of pay they were given eight-track cassettes of Christmas songs).

Remember, that's Save America, where the name is right, and only the niceties need more work.

"Well, I think that certainly sheds new light on our proper course of action, Mr Smith-Jones. Thank you again for applying for the position. And before you leave, I have one last question: can you start first thing Monday morning?"

December 13, 2021

Are you tired of all the grim and disheartening news coming your way from almost every angle? So am I. So let's start this day and the week on a lighter note with a classic and beloved nursery tune (feel free to sing along, kids). It goes something like this:

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