The Trump Files

The former fibber-in-chief was at it again during a recent appearance on NBC's "Meet the Press," bending and twisting the truth until it lay lifeless at the feet of host Kristen Welker (who was making her debut as the program's arbiter). Fact-checkers were later seen immersing their arms in ice water as they struggled to absorb and record the litany of outright falsehoods that Welker was forced to sidestep and parry. In the end, there was no way she could compete with as polished a storyteller as Trump, and she took a lot of flak in the wake of her losing battle.

To be fair, Welker is not the first interviewer to be overwhelmed by Trump's seemingly pathological need to lie about everyone and everything. To him, it is as natural as breathing. On abortion, he has no problem, for example, saying that there are some (Democratic-run) states "where you're allowed to kill the baby after birth." Which is news to us, as well as to any states he claims would condone such barbarism.

Trump also has no sense of irony. About president Biden, he said to Welker, "Look at all the lies he's told over the past couple of weeks." How she managed to keep a straight face and bite her tongue is beyond me.

Trump then criticized the president for releasing a large quantity of crude oil from the National Petroleum Reserve to "try and keep gas prices down" and help his bid for re-election, adding (falsely, of course) that he helped fill the Reserve "for the first time ever" (the Reserve actually contained fewer barrels of crude when Trump left office in 2021 than it did when he entered the White House in 2017).

One of Trump's biggest (and most easily debunked) whoppers concerned the price of bacon, which he said "is up five times" since he left office. Well, Donald, much as we hate to burn your bacon, the price has risen by about 67 cents a pound on average since January 2021; that's about 11.5 percent, slightly below the 500 percent increase you claim. But as most of Trump's base accepts what he says as gospel, there's little wonder why so many people seem to believe the country is "heading in the wrong direction." If bacon is up 500 percent, can eggs be far behind?

And so it went on "Meet the Press," as Trump rattled off one unsupportable canard after another while Welker struggled to keep her balance and her sanity during an hour-long program that must have seemed months-long to its host. As it ended, with Welker imploring what remained of her audience to tune in the following week, Trump grinned broadly as if to say, "Welcome to the big leagues of lying, Welker."

October 3, 2023

I haven't a clue as to where the following monograph came from, but it so accurately presents the truth that I thought it would be worth sharing with others. I hope you agree.

Donald Trump didn't lower your taxes.
He didn't get your roads fixed or your bridges built.
He didn't get you health care coverage,
lower the price of your prescriptions,
decrease the deficit or end the opioid crisis;
he didn't "make Covid disappear,"
didn't make Mexico "pay for the wall,"
didn't "put America first,"
and he sure as hell didn't "drain the swamp."
So when you say he "fought for you,"
you mean he validated your hate.
Because he didn't do a damn thing for you other than that.
He hates who you hate.
And sadly, that's all you think you need.

To me, that's an explicit summation of the unscrupulous confidence man's four-year term as president, one in which vindictiveness and hatred were the hallmarks of an otherwise unproductive tenure. Donald Trump has no ideology (if he were to present himself today as a Democrat his base would remain steadfast and loyal; they would simply change parties and start hating Kevin McCarthy and Jim Jordan instead of Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff). He has no blueprint to govern (as that is not the point), no message to serve as a rallying cry beyond that of bullying, demeaning and disparaging those "others" whom he and his followers have chosen to single out as the "enemy." That, in a nutshell, is what Trump is all about. And the best way to make sure one's enemies remain subservient is to assume total power, which is Trump's ultimate goal. Should he be given the opportunity to exercise that power, we can kiss our long-running Democratic experiment goodbye. On the other hand...

I never thought I'd be saying this, let alone putting it in writing...

But upon further review...

Please wait while I take some deep breaths...

For once (and only once!) I am forced to agree with former president Donald ("would you like another Whopper?") Trump when he says...

The US electoral system is RIGGED!...

With one slight difference...

The system may be rigged, but not AGAINST Trump. It is actually rigged IN HIS FAVOR...

Yes, the playing field on which Trump practices his ongoing confidence game is by no means level, thanks to Republicans who have gerrymandered the hell out of state electoral maps while purging as many opposing voters as they can and bending their efforts toward capturing state and local political offices up to and including state legislatures, knowing that is their only chance to win elections when a majority of Americans disagrees with their preposterous positions on everything from abortion to zealotry (okay, that doesn't make much sense but I needed a word starting with "z"). The point is, Republicans are well aware that they have virtually no chance of beating their Democratic opponents in a fair fight, so they have done (and continue to do) everything they can to tip the scales in their favor. The GOP, in other words, is making sure the Dems not only have to earn more votes than they do to win an election, they have to tally A LOT MORE VOTES to even remain competitive.

But don't the Democrats do that too? Yes, whenever they can. Republicans, it pains me to say, simply do it better—and more often. And it's the only thing they do better than the Democrats, many of whom have an illogical tendency to play fair and hope the GOP will follow suit. It is the GOP's dishonesty and deception that could give Trump a chance—a slim chance, and no more than that—to be re-elected president in 2024. This despite the fact that he is facing at least four criminal lawsuits, any one of which could lead to his incarceration. Then what?

Could Trump still be re-elected? Could he serve as president from behind bars, or while under (White House) arrest? We've never had to consider such weird possibilities, as there has never before been a president like Trump, one who not only denied he lost an election but set about doing everything in his power to overturn the result, up to and including urging an armed assault on the US Capitol building.

But first things first. Trump hasn't even stood trial yet, let alone been convicted, and his lawyers will do everything they can to delay those eventualities until after the November 2024 election. Should Trump come up short in the polling, one thing is certain beyond any doubt—he will claim (again) that the election was somehow "rigged," and that he actually won. Why? For one thing, because he has no choice, as re-election is his "get out of jail free" card. Without the presidency to shield him, Trump stands little chance of avoiding conviction and being held to account for his crimes. For him, re-election isn't merely an option; it is a dire necessity. Anything less and he's toast.

And speaking of toast...

Here's a toast to Trump's large and out-of-control mouth, which continues to do special prosecutor Jack Smith's work for him. While almost everyone knows the facts about Trump's duplicity, what is harder to prove is his INTENT. Was he in charge of what happened up to and including January 6, 2021, or was he merely a pawn, led to believe by those around him that he had actually won the election in 2020 and following their guidelines to restore him to power. That is the question. And, right on cue, Trump has given the answer.

Speaking to Kristine Welker on NBC's "Meet the Press," Trump made clear that when it came to spearheading efforts to label the election fraudulent and take steps to reverse the outcome, he and he alone was in the driver's seat. "It was my decision," he said.

He was "listening to different people," Trump said, "and when I added it all up, the election was rigged." To which Jack Smith undoubtedly replied (to himself), "Thank you, Mr. ex-president, for drafting my opening and closing statements to the jury."

And in case you hadn't noticed...

The government remains up and running, thanks to last-minute horse trading that averted a shutdown at midnight on September 30. The reprieve, however, expires in forty-five days, so brace yourselves for a pre-Thanksgiving shoot-out as far-right GOP loonies stroke their base by promising never again to lend a helping hand to anyone, no matter how poor and needy—or, in the case of Ukraine, no matter how deeply mired in a war on whose outcome the fate of not only that country but humanity as a whole may rest. Have your popcorn ready...

October 9, 2023

After spending three days in New York City last week at his civil trial for business fraud and corruption (he'd already been found guilty; what remained was the judge's ruling on how much the verdict would cost him), former president Donald ("the gag's on you!") Trump was reported to be on his way back to his Mar-a-Lago refuge. As NY attorney general Letitia James put it, "The Trump show is over."

Well, not quite. Reports of Trump's departure, it seems, were rather premature, as agents for The Trump Files spotted the ex-pres later that afternoon on a street corner in downtown Manhattan, hat in hand, trying his best to raise the needed funds to mitigate the disaster. Facing financial ruin, Trump had signaled his base that he would be happy to accept any donation, even as small as one dollar, to help keep him afloat. The Trump show, it seemed, was only beginning.

Desperate to remain solvent in the face of staggering legal and punitive costs, Trump was even trying to elicit sympathy by singing (and not too badly, it must be said) one of the songs from Broadway's upcoming (and super hush-hush) star-studded revue, "GOP: The Musical," which is so cloaked in secrecy that even the waiters and staff at Mar-a-Lago don't yet know about it.

With tears in his eyes and lips trembling, The Donald treated passersby to a preview of his show-stopping opening number, an earnest plea not heard anywhere in this country since the Great Depression almost a hundred years ago:

Once I built a tower, named it Trump
Thought it might bring me luck
Once a shining tower, now a dump
Patriot, can you spare a buck?

Once I owned a White House, loads of fun
Till the Dems ran amok
Claimed I lost a race I really won
Patriot, can you spare a buck?

And so it went, as a handful of people in Trump's small audience opened their wallets or purses and placed a dollar in the hat, each of which was gratefully accepted by the one-time self-proclaimed billionaire whose pursuit of power and domination remains as strong as ever, even as he has been reduced to panhandling and begging tearfully for support, a dollar at a time.

Later that evening, the former conniver-in-chief and soon-to-be musical superstar was seen entering a Broadway theatre to greet and hang out with the cast, most of whom are Republican members of congress who have nothing better to do as governing is out of the question, especially as they have yet to elect a new Speaker to replace...replace...what was his name? Oh, yes; Kevin McCarthy. Anyway, that impasse is depicted in one of the show's delightful choral numbers, which gives everyone a chance to exercise the pipes while proving that "the sound of music" is always welcome. As best we could hear, it went something like this:

Votes are sixteen, going on seventeen
Can't we clean up this mess
We need a Speaker, but it's a squeaker
Couldn't you just vote yes? Votes are sixteen, going on seventeen
How did we screw this up?
It's now so bad that even McCarthy's
Snickering in his cup Margie and Matt, we call on you
To stop demanding more
Our deadlocked vote is all on you
But your response is poor Votes are sixteen, going on seventeen
Please, Matt, we need some sleep
When they're seventeen, going on eighteen
That's when we'll kick your (bleep)! Utterly charming! And as things were going so well, we decided to stay for a few more numbers, starting with Marjorie Taylor Greene's dazzling solo turn representing the entire GOP membership as it echoed the scarecrow's lament from The Wizard of Oz, which sounded to us like another sure winner: We could climb the highest steeple
Or represent the people
There is so much we could gain
We'd be sharp as a razor
And incisive as a laser
If we only had a brain Oh gee, I wish you'd see
How bright and perspicacious we could be
We'd improve the Einstein theory by three
And then recite our family tree! So please pardon us for braggin'
'Cause our spirits have been saggin'
As our hopes go down the drain
But by disregarding Matt Gaetz
We'd bring reason to the Red states
If we only had a brain The few stagehands and hangers-on backstage couldn't hold back their applause for that one. It was followed by a duet, with House Speaker wannabes Gym Jordan and Steve Scalise taking turns extolling the pleasures of the speakership while bemoaning how "les miserable" the job can also be: Speaker of the House, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tell a saucy tale, make a little stir
GOP appreciates an ass-kisser
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Speaker's gavel's got a hefty price! Speaker of the House, handler of the zoo
Ready to deceive 'em with a trick or two
Tramping through the muck, sucking up to Gaetz
Covering their asses while they screw their mates
Everybody loves a Speaker
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases...
Jesus! They'll recall me in the end! Speaker of the House, friend to MTG
Never was a grimy nook I couldn't see
Back-hand to the poor, glad-hand to the great
Spinning all those lies my pals appreciate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
Till like friend McCarthy...
Jesus! I may soon be gone!

As things were getting better and better, we decided to stay for one more tune, this one delivered with gusto by fraudster Trump with a back-up chorus arrayed in South Pacific-style costumes:

There is nothing like a scam
Nothing's quite the same
There is nothing worth a damn
When compared to a well-drawn scam

Feeling honest, feeling good
Feeling hurt, misunderstood
Well, no matter what you're feeling
We've got manna for your mood
We feel primed as Bernie Madoff
When he's ramping up his game What don't we feel?

We don't feel shame! There are no highs like a scam
And nothing flies like a scam
There are no perks like a scam
And nothing works like a scam
No stunt excites like a scam
Or delights like a scam

There ain't a thing that's
Hurting anyone here
That can't be eased
By placing them near

A greed-laced, two-faced, fast-paced Trumpian scam!

We left the theatre after that number (past bedtime), but not before purchasing opening-night tickets for the family. "GOP: The Musical" is one show we definitely don't want to miss! A final thought... With the House speakership vacant, and the Constitution asserting that the Speaker doesn't have to be a member of congress, a number of Republicans have been floating Trump's name as a possible replacement for Kevin McCarthy, an idea that was quickly shot down by Trump's niece, Mary Trump, in only four words: "Being Speaker," she reminded them, "requires work."

October 16, 2023

In every US election—except one—the candidate who earns the most votes is declared the winner. And as everyone knows—or should know—that "except one" refers to the presidential election, held every four years on the first Tuesday in November. That is the only election not decided by the total number of votes counted, as the Founding Fathers, in their wisdom—and in their fear that ordinary citizens may decide who is elected president—placed a large barrier between them and the eventual outcome, a formidable rampart known as the Electoral College—and thus it is the electoral count, and not the popular vote, that determines the winner.

What this means in practical terms is that voters in most states have almost no say about who wins or loses, as the outcome there has been decided well in advance, based almost entirely on party affiliation. A Democratic candidate stands almost no chance of winning in a red state, nor does a Republican in a blue state. That leaves a handful of so-called "battleground" states whose votes and voters decide the electoral count, and therefore the presidency.

Donald Trump knows this—which is why he'll be laser-focused in 2024 on the battleground states: Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Minnesota, North Carolina, New Hampshire, Nevada, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. A couple of wins there and it's a whole new ball game. Trump and the GOP realize that the Electoral College is their only hope, as there is no way they could ever win more popular votes than the Democrats, or even come close.

If I were running the Democratic presidential campaign (clearly, I'm not), I would use every means at my disposal and every weapon in my arsenal to make sure Trump did not win any of those contests. How? Well, for one thing, outspend him. Even though Trump's legal woes are unresolved (which may still be the case in November 2024), they have shackled him financially, rendering him unable to spend as much money or even devote as much time to the campaign as he would no doubt prefer. In fact, he may spend much of 2024 facing various juries.

I'm not saying the Dems should ignore the other states, simply give them less time and attention than those that really matter. In other words, do not repeat the mistakes made by Hillary Clinton in 2016 when she spent far too much of her time and resources campaigning in states where success was a sure thing, and not nearly enough in others that could go Trump's way (and in fact did).

Second, get the word out. Democrats are—or so far have been—quite ineffective when it comes to letting the American people know how much president Biden has done for them, especially when compared to Trump's barren presidency, which was marked by ineptitude, broken promises and scant desire to benefit anyone besides Trump and his immediate family. Although weighing their records should be a no-brainer, Democrats have been passive and timid when discussing Biden's achievements, which are numerous. It can't hurt to let people know that. Yes, Trump and his lackeys will debase or deny any such achievements, countering them with the usual untruths, but the word may get through to some voters who are on the fence. There is no harm in trying.

Trump isn't the only one who'll be spreading his usual lies and disinformation far and wide during 2024. Russia and China, among others, will be doing the same on social media, as they desperately want the dictator-friendly Trump back in the White House. It worked for them once, in 2016, and they'll be counting on a repeat performance in '24.

It has become clear in recent weeks, if it wasn't already, that the Republicans have nothing to offer in the way of actual governing. Their only hope is to foment such anger and hatred that Americans will vote for them on that basis alone. There is no way they can run on their record (they have none), so they have to hoodwink their supporters into believing that none of the legislative victories racked up by the Biden administration ever happened. That's a tall order, but when it comes to deluding the American people, mendacity always has a head start over truth. And that is where Donald Trump excels. No president—perhaps no one, period—has ever been as successful in selling worthless snake oil and convincing buyers it can "cure" whatever ails them—in this case, our democratic form of government.

So Trump is pinning whatever hopes he has on the vagaries of the Electoral College. What is most frightening is that his strategy could work. If it does, there'd be no more need for an Electoral College, as that would mark the end of any democratic elections in this country, at least for the foreseeable future, and perhaps ever again. Trump and his followers would have got what they wanted: an autocratic society grounded in hatred and white supremacy.

One possible way around that would be to abolish the Electoral College and decide presidential elections by popular vote. It is, however, a bit late in the game to even consider that. Republicans would never agree to the change, as it would presumably end their chances of ever regaining the presidency. And it would require a constitutional amendment, never an easy ask. It could happen one day, but a Trump victory in '24 would make any such change irrelevant.

Yes, it is a grim forecast. If there is a silver lining, it lies in the possibility that enough Americans may see through Trump's chicanery to re-elect a president who cares about something other than himself—and his freedom. But don't count on it.

October 23, 2023

"Good morning, Mr. President. Donald Duckling from The Trump Files here. I wonder if you could give me a moment to talk about..."

"Sorry. I can't talk to you about anything right now..."

"Oh, busy time? Golf cart waiting? Perhaps I should call back later..."

"You don't understand. It's not that I don't WANT to talk to you. I mean I CAN'T talk to you, now or EVER..."

"And why is that, sir?"

"Why? Because they've taken away my First Amendment right to free speech, that's why!"

"And by 'they,' you mean...?"

"Crooked Joe Biden and his band of corrupt henchmen, led by the most biased and inept attorney general ever, the depraved Merrick Garland. They've imposed a gag order, which means I can't say anything unflattering about them...which means I can no longer tell anyone about their deranged, mealy-mouthed, Trump-hating special counsel, Jack Smith, or the dishonest, low-life, left-leaning, Commie-loving FBI that has been 'weaponized' against me..."

"Not a word?"

"No! And it's so unconstitutional! It's clear and blatant election interference! They're not gagging me, they're gagging YOU, the American people, because I'm whipping Biden's ass, and they're trying to stop me—and you—from winning the election in '24 and making America great again!"

"So what do you intend to do about it?"

"What CAN I do? Yes, I can keep on selling mug shots, T-shirts, bumper stickers, autographed footballs, photos and other cheap trinkets online, and begging patriots to send me their last hard-earned dollar, but the gag order has wrecked my campaign...without the insults, the criticisms, the put-downs, the sarcasm and the mockery, I really don't have much of anything to say..."

"Yes, I can see how difficult that must be...but from what I've read, the narrow gag orders weren't issued by Joe Biden or Jack Smith but by Tanya Chutkan, the judge presiding over the case in DC for election interference, and by NY Supreme Court judge Arthur Engoron—in the corporate fraud proceedings—who has already fined you $5,000 for violating its terms..."

"Puppets! Puppets! Bought and paid for by filthy-rich George Soros and the Democrats! Our judicial system is completely broken! Look, if a mugshot, four wrongful arrests, four sham indictments, an FBI raid, a secret surveillance of communications, two unjust impeachments, a threat of 1,000 years in prison for an innocent man, and an attempt to impose the 'corporate death penalty' on me and my family weren't enough to break me, then gag orders won't do it either."

"Your courage is duly noted and appreciated, sir..."

"It takes no great courage to fight for one one's fellow Americans, which I will ALWAYS do. Trust me, I'd have been fighting for them in the trenches in Vietnam if it wasn't for those painful bone spurs...but now, as I boldly declare on my MAGA web site before pleading for more money, I would WILLINGLY face jail time to help make America great again..."

"Truly admirable, sir; but for someone who is so willing to face jail time you seem to be fighting tooth and nail to stay out of jail..."

"Which every American should do, and has the right to do! Believe me, if it wasn't for these gag orders, which take away my right to say anything bad about anybody, I'd tell you what I really thought of that lily-livered, Trump-hating, extremely biased and degenerate judge Chutkan, or that weak, immoral, left-leaning, two-faced judge Engeron...but I can't...I can't even say anything unflattering about the disloyal, back-stabbing, perverted RINOs they've bribed to testify against me..."

"You do show enormous self-restraint, sir. But there is one thing I must mention..."

"And what is that?"

"I've heard that judge Chutkan in DC has suspended her gag order while your legal team files an appeal..."

"See? That's exactly what I've been saying! She issues a gag order to shut me up—as you can see, I've been on my very best behavior—lifts it so I'll believe I'm free to speak, then—WHAM!—comes down even harder so people will think SHE'S the victim here, not a totally innocent man who only wants to make America great again."

"I see your point, sir. But as the gag order has been lifted, at least for now, can you say a few words about your strategy going forward...?"

"My strategy hasn't changed. First, I'll have to tell everyone the truth about crooked Joe, gutless Garland, simple-minded Smith (who has never won a case in his life), cheap-shot Chutkan, empty-headed Engeron, perverted prosecutors, double-crossing traitors who have been paid off to bear witness against me, and the hand-picked never-Trump jurors who'll decide my guilt or innocence—and then I'll get back to running my usual fair and honest campaign."

"Good choices, sir. After all, they worked for you once..."

"Twice!"

"If you say so, sir. But if, as you say, you've won the presidency twice, the Constitution says you're not eligible to run again..."

"A mere technicality, which no one has brought up, so it can't be that important. And after we win in '24 we'll be doing away with those so-called 'term limits' soon enough..."

"Wouldn't the courts take issue with that?"

"The courts? With Thomas, Alito, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh and Barrett in place, the courts are the least of my worries!"

"And what is the worst of your worries?"

"That crooked Joe and his cronies will somehow 'rig' the election again. That's the only way I can lose..."

"And not by the popular vote or electoral count?"

The popular vote means nothing; I showed that in '16. And as for the electoral count, there is a January 6 in 2025, is there not?"

October 30, 2023

After three weeks of dithering, blundering and stewing in their own repulsive juices, Republicans in the US House of Representatives last week finally elected a new speaker of the House. The only thing you have to know about the new guy, Mike ("who did you say?") Johnson, a little-known back-bencher from Louisiana, is that he was endorsed by former president Donald ("get it done!") Trump who said Johnson is "popular, smart, sharp. He's going to be fantastic."

If you were thinking it couldn't get worse than that, think again. In the words of the late Al Jolson, "you ain't seen nothin' yet." Not only is Johnson "popular, smart, sharp," he was one of the GOP lawmakers who pushed hardest for the acceptance of Trump's Big Lie that the 2020 presidential election was stolen, leading a Trump-supported effort to encourage fellow members of congress to back a lawsuit by eighteen GOP attorneys general to overturn Joe Biden's election (Johnson has yet to concede that Biden won).

In the end, Johnson earned the speakership because he passed the Donald Trump smell test.

And how bad is that? Well, shortly after the vote to elect Johnson was ended, congress had to declare an immediate three-day recess so the US Capitol building could be fumigated.

Okay, I made that up. But after hearing more about Johnson's record and views, you may agree that it's not too far-fetched either.

To begin with, Johnson's belief that he (and other men) should make health-care decisions for women runs so deep that he has long championed a nationwide ban on abortions. Before he was elected to congress in 2016, Johnson was an attorney for the Alliance Defending Freedom, which pushed the game-changing Dobbs case (and essentially overturned Roe v. Wade) before the Supreme Court.

And don't get him started on the LGBTQ+ community:

"Same-sex 'marriage,'" he has written, "selfishly and deliberately deprives children of either a mother or father. Children need both. Homosexual relationships are inherently unnatural and, studies clearly show, are ultimately harmful and costly for everyone.

"Society cannot give its stamp of approval to such a dangerous lifestyle. If we change marriage [law] for this tiny, modern minority, we will have to do it for every deviant group. Polygamists, polyamorists, pedophiles and others will be next in line to claim equal protection. They already are. There will be no legal basis to deny a bisexual the right to marry a partner of each sex, or a person to marry his pet."

I cannot tell you how upset my life partner, Rover, was when he heard that. He howled for more than an hour, and calmed down only when I whispered, "Who's a good boy? YOU'RE a good boy!"

Of course, Johnson is also an ardent supporter of Florida governor Ron DeSantis' "don't say gay" law, advocating for a federal version of the statute that would outlaw any discussion of "deviant " lifestyles in any public school classroom. "This is a free country," he has written (while secretly hoping that won't be true for much longer), "but we don't give special protections for every person's bizarre choices (with the definition of "bizarre" presumably reserved for Johnson and his far-right colleagues). Where would it end? This is one Pandora's box we shouldn't open."

Congressional aid to Ukraine? Fuggedaboudit. Johnson has already voted more than once against that. But Israel (along with Vladimir Putin) remains on his "favorites" list.

The fact is, Johnson has never met a worthy cause or common-sense idea he couldn't oppose.

Evolution? No more than a debunked theory, according to Johnson, who clings to the Adam and Eve fantasy in which humans magically appeared one day, fully formed (if not fully clothed) thanks to a Supreme Being's desire to populate the earth with intelligent creatures (the "intelligent" part of which remains unproven given their propensity to eradicate other creatures with whom they disagree).

Global warming and climate change? More utter nonsense, says Johnson, who last year pocketed more money from oil and gas companies than from any other source. Johnson has consistently voted against measures designed to mitigate climate change and in favor of those that would reduce funding for the Environmental Protection Agency.

Separation of church and state? Not at all what our founding fathers intended, says Johnson. "The founders wanted to protect the church (which church is not entirely clear, as the founders belonged to many) from an encroaching state, not the other way around," Johnson has said, adding that he generally reads the Constitution from right to left (and sometimes upside down).

And the list goes on. Gun control, Medicare, Medicaid, help for America's veterans, voting rights, legal immigration: you name it, Johnson is against it. When all is said and done, it seems the GOP has chosen as its speaker a softer-spoken, less combative version of Jim Jordan or Matt Gaetz. What matters most to them is that Johnson's heart is in the right place, a dark place reserved for only the most sinister and pernicious thoughts and ideas. Good luck, Democrats, trying to work around that.

Moving forward...

Forward one hundred years, to be precise. The year is 2123, and mass shootings in the US have risen to the rate of one every twenty-seven minutes...wait! hold on; we're being told they have increased to one every twenty-three minutes. Have to keep the record straight.

There are now five gun lobbyists for every member of congress, three of whose members have recently been expelled for using the word "firearm" during a congressional debate. The authorized term, unanimously approved by congress, is now "high-speed rubbish remover." Using any other description is cause for immediate expulsion.

Needless to say, congress has been unable to deal with the problem, telling Americans "the time is not right" to discuss gun safety measures; nor have the states, only one of which—Rhode Island—has been able to enact any background checks or restrictions, and those only for blind people with one arm.

Stores selling guns—which now include Dollar Tree, Walgreens, Barnes & Noble and PetSmart—continue to see sales soar as Americans shop for the latest and most sophisticated weapons, including laser-guided rifles made from recycled fecal matter that are designed to carry up to a thousand lethal bullets and are guaranteed never to miss a target. Some have complained that they are too cumbersome, which stands to reason as the legal age for owning a firearm is now eight and one-half.

Naturally, some peace-loving citizens are opposed to such advances in weaponry, but their voices have been drowned out by the National Rifle and Carnage Association, whose presidential candidate, Wayne La Pierre XVI of the Trigger-Happy party, has a large lead over Democrats and Republicans less than a year before the 2124 election, thanks in part to his popular slogan, "Make America Groan Again."

Most states, cities and towns (as well as congress) have become accustomed to the sharp rise in mass shootings, having long ago established web sites with the message "our thoughts and prayers are with you" ready to send to other localities at a moment's notice. Nationwide, there has been little noticeable change, although the population of Texas has been reduced to 865.

Mass shooters themselves, who once used mental health problems or uncontrollable anger as reasons for their murderous assaults, have begun to define them instead as a form of public service. As Mad Dog Savage (his given name; no red flags there), who for the moment holds the single-fatality record, having slain the entire town of Daisy Spire, SC (pop. once 423, now zero), testifies at his trial: "We was just doin' them a favor, takin' 'em out before climate change got to 'em."

After considering his testimony, a jury takes less than an hour to acquit him.

November 6, 2023

Sometime in the near future:

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