The Trump Files

January 24, 2022

"Good morning. Republican National Committee. How may I direct your call? Manchin? Senator Joe Manchin? I'm sorry, he's on the Hill today impersonating a Democrat. Is there anyone else... Kyrsten Sinema? No, she's usually here in the office but she's also in the senate today, re-writing a speech. It seems a few words slipped in there that she felt some people might actually understand, so she's busy tying up those loose ends... I guess this isn't your day... unless you'd like to speak to Marjorie Taylor Greene; she's out back on the shooting range...no, she doesn't mind being interrupted. I think she's already reached her daily 'target' anyway. And she's always complaining that no one talks to her...I think that AR15 she carries may turn some people off (and it sure as hell terrifies the staff at Burger King). But relax; she can't bother you on the phone. Just remember to let her speak as long as she wants; otherwise, things could get nasty. And by no means ever utter the word "Trump" unless it follows "His Highness" or "His Majesty." Aside from that, you can discuss anything or anyone you please...except, of course, Matt Gaetz. She's a bit touchy about that...No, Richard Steele is no longer here. We have no idea where he is or what he is doing. Someone said he's part of a project involving Abraham Lincoln, so we know he's still a steadfast Republican...Well, unless there's someone else...oh, wait a minute! You may be in luck! Rudy Giuliani just came into the office. Would you like to speak to him?...No?...Well, I can't say I'm surprised. No one here wants to speak to him either..." Elsewhere...

At his one-year-in-office press conference on January 19, president Biden said the following:

"I did not anticipate that there would be such a stalwart effort to make sure that the most important thing was that president Biden didn't get anything done."

In light of that, I think the time has come to ask the question:

What planet has he been living on?

I can see clearly the Republican game plan, and I live in Colorado, more than 1,600 miles from the White House. Why can't Biden and his fellow Democrats figure that out? Perhaps they are waiting for Republicans to change the Grand Old Party's nickname to "Obstruction R Us." Or maybe they feel more warm and comfortable living in a "bipartisan dream world." Whatever the case, hell would have to freeze over several times before any Republican lawmakers could grow enough backbone to challenge their lord and master, former president Donald Trump. Oh, they'll agree on some trivial matters, enough to give the Dems a glimmer of hope, but never on the more important ones, those that might actually help the American people. On those issues, Biden and his colleagues have to go it alone. And it doesn't help that the GOP has a 52-48 senate majority when it comes to considering and passing crucial legislation. Flip the senate? That has already been done, thanks to wolves in sheep's clothing from Arizona and West Virginia. Mitch McConnell doesn't have to dream about a "senate majority"—he already has one!

Filibuster? No big deal. The Dems still need fifty votes without it, and they have only forty-eight. Among the more disastrous consequences of this senatorial farce could be the re-election in 2024 of the worst president ever to walk the face of the earth—and we don't mean the incumbent. Four more years of Trump and Joe Manchin's beloved coal mines will be belching their acrid smoke to the four winds, doing their best to help bring civilization to its knees, while Sinema looks on with a wide smile and relishes her role as an accessory after the fact. Appropriately, her Zodiac sign is cancer.

And the grift goes on...

Although I can't remember having done anything to earn such a coveted honor, I learned last week from the ex-president's Save America web site that I had been named an Official 2022 Trump MVP (Most Valuable Patriot). According to Don Jr., as an Official Trump MVP:

"You'll receive EXCLUSIVE updates from President Trump and me.
You'll get PRIORITY-ACCESS to new Trump Save America merchandise. [Ed: You can bet on that]
AND you'll go down in history as one of my father's Most Valuable Patriots."

I'd say that left me speechless, but I'm sure you know me better than that. Trouble is, I had to accept the award by midnight that night (Trump always seems to be in a bit of a hurry when it comes to things like that), so I blew my chance. Maybe next year...

I also fanned on a chance to receive a special-edition Official Trump Football hand-signed by the former gridiron star and some other ex-player named Herschel Walker, not to mention a chance to meet the golfer-in-chief in person at Mar-a-Lago and at a rally in Texas (a mere 50 bucks for that one), and to take part in an Official Texas Trump Rally Speech Survey. Damn! I'll have to start reading my e-mails more carefully.

Because of my indolence, I missed the chance to receive a photo from the 2016 inauguration hand-signed by former president "largest crowd ever" himself; to help choose a design for the Official Trump Election Year Donor Cards, or to make a Commemorative Inauguration Gift of $45 or more to mark the fifth anniversary of Trump's election in 2016. And to think I could have had a photo of former president burger-'n-fries waddling out of the US Capitol building (yes, THAT Capitol building) on inauguration day 2016 for the bargain price of only $75 (or more). I've been kicking myself about that all week! And for only $45 (or more) I could have helped endow the Official Trump Ad Blitz Fund.

These are only a few of the "once-in-a-lifetime" deals I've been offered (on a daily basis) since logging in last month to Trump's "Save America" scam (pardon, web site). Having read through them, I'd be surprised to learn that his sycophants had any money left. Penniless perhaps, but no doubt pleased that they'll be helping Trump and his public-spirited family Save America (and their steadily shrinking bank accounts).

February 7, 2022

This is what we know:

After losing the 2020 presidential election (by more than seven million votes), former president Donald ("law and order") Trump yanked every lever, pressed every button and pulled every string he could to overturn the results of a free and fair election and assure that His Royal Narcissist remained in the White House—all to no avail.

First came the cries of fraud and deception, offered without a shred of proof or plausibility. Next came the lawsuits, none of which succeeded and many of which were laughed out of court. Audits were ordered in closely contested states, affirming that Joe Biden's margin of victory remained essentially unchanged. Having failed legally to reverse the results of an election that wasn't really that close, Trump turned to shadier methods, badgering state officials to "find" votes for him and trying every way he could to persuade government agencies to "seize" voting machines on his behalf. Trump's former National Security Adviser, retired general Michael Flynn, went so far as to suggest that the election results be thrown out and the election held over again.

Trump, meanwhile, pressured vice president Mike Pence to decertify the Electoral College vote, which was not only beyond Pence's authority but more than likely unconstitutional. Sensing that lapdog Pence might bark rather than carry out his orders, ex-president ace-up-my-sleeve proceeded to Plan B, urging a mob of his deluded followers to lay siege to the nation's Capitol building, battering their way in to try and coerce congress into neglecting its electoral duties while battering Capitol police officers who were there to try and stop them. Nothing improper there; merely doing what any president would do when protesting an election result. As the Republican National Committee phrased it last week when censuring representatives Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger for their membership on the January 6 committee, Trump's heavily armed and ruthless underlings were "ordinary Americans" taking part in "legitimate political discourse." If any debaters were unlucky enough to get hurt—or killed—during that completely lawful discourse...well, their voices simply weren't strong enough.

We also know this:

At least some if not all of Trump's efforts to subvert an election are patently illegal and/or unconstitutional. Nevertheless, in spite of some tough talk from the January 6 committee and others who are "investigating" his behavior, Trump will never be held accountable for those misdeeds. Much like Robert Mueller, the January 6 committee will issue a report, some people will be outraged or upset, and nothing will happen.

Trump will run for re-election in 2024 (perhaps from behind prison bars for other misconduct) and, win or lose, will declare victory, and the cycle will repeat itself. This time, however, Trump will have the apparatus, state and local, firmly in place to support and legitimize his claim, which will wend its way through the judicial system to the Supreme Court, with an entirely predictable result. Another foreseeable consequence will be Trump's assertion that he is "owed" a second term because the 2020 election was "stolen" from him, an argument the Supreme Court will prudently consider and no doubt accept. So instead of four more years of a Trump presidency, Americans will be forced to endure at least eight, by which time the blanket of democracy that has warmed us for more than two centuries will have been shredded beyond recognition and Trump will be anointed "el presidente for life."

Here is one more thing we know:

In Memphis, TN, a black woman, Pamela Moses, was convicted last week and sentenced to six years in prison for illegally trying to register to vote, after she'd been given assurances by state officials that she could register, even while on probation for a 2015 felony conviction, before they changed their minds. Meanwhile, in remarkably similar cases, four white men in other states were convicted for not only unlawfully registering to vote but actually casting illegal ballots for former president Trump. Three were given probation, the other a three-day jail sentence. It has been reported that when Lady Justice heard the news her scales tipped so quickly and violently to one side that she fell and was badly hurt...

And one last thing...

Rather than sending three thousand US troops to Eastern Europe to bolster NATO forces there and help persuade Vladimir Putin not to invade Ukraine, the Biden administration should consider sending a fleet of three hundred Irish fishermen instead...

February 14, 2022

By now, almost anyone who acquires information from news media other than Fox News, OneAmerica, NewsMax or podcasts by Joe Rogan, Alex Jones or Steve Bannon should be aware that former president Donald ("lock her up!") Trump is undeniably guilty of violating the Presidential Records Act by shredding (often by hand) government documents, hauling boxes full of papers and other inventory (some marked "top secret") to his Mar-a-Lago residence in Florida, and even, according to reliable sources, flushing papers down the toilet while he occupied the White House. The question is, what should be done about such willful and flagrant violations of federal law?

Someone? Anyone? Please, don't everyone raise your hands at once. You there, in the back row...oh, you say were only scratching your head. Does anyone have an idea about what to do about this? No one? No hands in the air? No opinions? And why are some of you hiding under your chairs?

Well, perhaps we can help give you some ideas by revisiting the Presidential Records Act (PRA) and summarizing some of its provisions:

• As you may know, the PRA establishes public ownership of all presidential records and defines the term presidential records.
• It requires that vice-presidential records be treated in the same way as presidential records, and places the responsibility for the custody and management of incumbent presidential records with the president.
• It also requires that the president and his staff take all practical steps to file personal records separately from presidential records.
The PRA establishes that presidential records automatically transfer into the legal custody of the [national] archivist as soon as the president leaves office.
• The Act establishes preservation requirements for official business conducted using non-official electronic messaging accounts: any individual creating presidential records must not use non-official electronic messaging accounts unless that individual copies an official account as the message is created or forwards a complete copy of the record to an official messaging account. (A similar provision in the Federal Records Act applies to federal agencies.)
• And finally, the PRA prevents an individual who has been convicted of a crime related to the review, retention, removal or destruction of records from being given access to any original records.

That certainly seems clear enough. What is also quite clear is that former president Trump violated the provisions of the Act multiple times and on multiple occasions by confiscating, mutilating or unlawfully transporting presidential records that are, as the PRA states, the property of the American people. These offenses are so egregious that the National Archives has asked the Department of Justice to investigate. And yes, there are penalties for violating the Public Records Act.

Specifically, Section 2071 of Title 18 of U.S. Code states that anyone who "willfully and unlawfully conceals, removes, mutilates, obliterates or destroys" records or documents filed in any public office can be fined or imprisoned for up to three years. It is deemed a more serious crime if documents are classified, in which case a penalty of up to five years imprisonment can apply. In both cases, those held responsible are then disqualified from holding any office in the United States.

With that in mind, are there any ideas now about what could be done to "flush" Trump out? May I see a show of hands? I'm waiting...

All right, let me rephrase the question. Does anyone believe that attorney general Merrick Garland and the DOJ will take the matter seriously and move to investigate and possibly indict the former president for these crimes?

Still no hands? Would anyone care to elaborate?...Yes, the gentleman in the third row. "Merrick Garland is..." Please! You shouldn't use that kind of language when referring to the attorney general! Let's at least keep the discussion civil.

One last question: does anyone believe the former president will be tried and convicted for the blatant crimes outlined in the PRA? No? Well, does anyone believe Trump will be tried and/or convicted for ANYTHING? There are, after all, lawsuits against him or his business pending in New York, Georgia and who knows where else. No takers? No hands? Not even a raised eyebrow?

Well, much as it pains me to say so, I thoroughly agree with you. Class is dismissed.

Ronna in Wonderland

When the Republican National Committee decided (unanimously) last week that the unruly mob of crazed and heavily armed rioters who laid siege to the nation's Capitol building on January 6, 2021, were actually "ordinary citizens engaged in legitimate political discourse," they not only enshrined that as a GOP principle, they put it in writing! Clear as the noonday sun! So it was rather astonishing when RNC chairman Ronna McDaniel labeled reports of the committee's decision, baked into its deliberations for all the world to see, "a lie." Apparently, the phrase was taken out of context; "legitimate political discourse," she explained, referred only to those who were unarmed and not shouting "hang Mike Pence!" as they overran Capitol police and muscled their way inside the building. Their only goal, she pointed out, was to "talk some sense" into legislators who were ready that day to certify the 2020 presidential election—hence, "legitimate political discourse," Republican-style. The kind that happens all the time in the Capitol. And if you don't believe me, ask Marjorie Taylor Greene of GA or Lauren Boebert of CO. Oh, I'm sorry, you can't; they're on the firing range today practicing "legitimate political discourse."

Birds Aren't What?

First, a disclaimer: I am not making this up. If you need proof, visit the Birds Aren't Real website. You heard right: birds aren't real! According to the site: "The Birds Aren't Real movement has been active since 1976. Once a preventative cause, our initial goal was to stop the genocide of real birds. Unfortunately this was unsuccessful, and the government has since replaced every living bird with robotic replicas." So the next time you are moved, for example, to feed pigeons bread crumbs, try tossing them some nuts or bolts instead. Those robotic birds should really eat them up.

The government, BAR asserts, "should not exist as a separate entity from the citizens—that is what a democracy is all about. We need to take this country back. You don't have to be a brainwashed sheep. Through the simple act of understanding that Bird-Drone surveillance is happening on a mass level, we slowly become human again."

Bird-Drone surveillance? Oh, shit! One more thing to worry about next time I leave the house. And that no doubt accounts for the popularity of the Oscar-nominated film, "Don't Look Up." Those invasive bird-drones want you to keep looking at your shoes while they surveil you. They've even enlisted Hollywood to help carry out their nefarious plans!

There are, in addition, "Bird Brigades" in several states whose members are dedicated to furthering the cause. No, I am not making that up either. Members of those brigades could be your friends, your relatives—even family members who know the truth but dare not share it with the uninitiated. Crazy? Perhaps. But no crazier than QAnon, and many presumably otherwise sane Americans have bought into its baseless and harebrained conspiracy theories. In fact, I could have sworn I saw JFK Jr in the supermarket yesterday.

Okay, I'll admit it looks like a put-on, a satire, a sham. But if it is, how then do we account for "Poultrygate"?

According to e-mails leaked by unnamed but high-ranking, fully informed sources, "the government has hollowed out countless mountains in the U.S., using the empty innards of them as factories to build bird drones. To complete this massive renovation project, they recruited the help of Ty Pennington (of Extreme Home Makeover fame)."

But that's not all. The most astonishing revelation from these messages, according to BAR, is that "there ARE, CONFIRMED, real living birds still on the face of the earth. Many in our movement have assumed this. The government is holding an unknown amount of Chicken Farms, where they continue to breed real, organic chickens—the reason for this is unknown as of the time I type this email—other than that is has to do with 'pleasure.' This is a massive revelation for the Birds Aren't Real movement, and the reason we have dubbed this entire leak 'Poultrygate.' There are living poultries. There are still birds alive. This changes everything."

As I said, I am not making this up. I do, however, have a nagging feeling that someone else is.

One more thing...

To underline his network's solidarity with the Canadian anti-vax movement, Fox News' most prominent prime time anchor has changed his name to "Trucker Carlson..."

February 21, 2022

Unlike Nazi Germany, wherein Adolf Hitler could rely on the machinations of a seasoned propagandist like Joseph Goebbels to spread abroad his lies about racial and intellectual superiority while amplifying Hitler's image as master of the Master Race, former president Donald ("I won by a landslide!") Trump has no such sharply honed brainwashing tool at his disposal. He does, however, have the Save America website, a veritable assembly line of prevarication, subterfuge and disinformation. Even better, from Trump's point of view, Save America is a dependable cash cow whose hard-working udders assure a continuous flow of milk and honey to replenish the self-proclaimed billionaire's always-precarious bank balances.

The cash flow is especially important since Trump's longtime accountant, Mazars, bailed out, saying Trump's financial returns for the past ten years cannot be relied on; the US Attorney General was asked by congress to rescind his lease on the Trump Hotel in DC; Deutsche Bank may soon call in a $170 million loan used to help lease the property, and Trump is personally on the hook for millions of dollars in loans to other creditors.

So it's Save America (a.k.a. Make Donald Great Again) to the rescue. So how does a website like Save America work? It's fairly simple, really. First, find and hire a company with an excellent track record of fleecing the public; second, sit back and watch the money pour in. Trump has about as much to do with Save America as I have with the US space program. But in order to perpetuate the scam, every one of the millions of misguided Americans who receive these computer-generated, mass-mailed pleas for money must believe that he or she is somehow "special." And that is where Trump's hired guns excel, as they know every nasty trick in the huckster's book of deception.

Those who receive appeals from Save America aren't ordinary citizens, they are "Patriots." And Trump knows their names, as he reminds them from time to time when they are slow to cough up the needed cash. For example, a clearly perplexed Trump writes, "I just got off the phone with my team (yeah, right) and they told me that your name was MISSING from the FINAL list of supporters who contributed to win a trip to meet me in Florida. I really want to meet you, Friend (even though he knows their names, Trump addresses everyone as "Friend" so as not to hurt anyone's feelings). So I've decided to give you the chance to ENTER TWICE. You now have 24 hours to contribute to ENTER TWICE." Entry, he needn't add, isn't free.

Remember the movie "A Christmas Story," when Ralphie couldn't wait to receive his private Orphan Annie decoder ring? Trump's charlatans have tapped that vein too: "Friend, I have a very important message for you. I recorded a TOP SECRET video, and I want to share it with YOU. This video message is ONLY for our TOP supporters and is NOT meant to be shared." Oh, boy, I can almost hear the sheep braying, "a special TOP SECRET message from the president to ME! Wow!" Yes, Ralphie fell for the scam too, but he wasn't even ten years old! Not everyone, of course, may take advantage of the offer, no matter how special. For those laggards, there's a follow-up entreaty, this time from Don Jr.: "My father emailed you. Did you see it? He recorded a special video message for YOU only, and he asked me to reach out to make sure YOU WATCHED it before it EXPIRED. Please contribute any amount immediately..."blah, blah, blah.

And so it goes. The "special, one-of-a-kind, once-in-a-lifetime" offers keep arriving at in-boxes like clockwork (as one of Trump's most "loyal supporters" I've received my share). And Save America doesn't take Sundays off. Among the incredible deals I've turned down: A chance to have my name engraved on the Official 2022 Trump Donor Wall (only $45 and up); membership in the Official Trump MVP Club and Inner Friend Circle, and to have my name added to the Official Trump Announcement Priority List; chances to meet Trump in Miami and New Orleans; and to buy DON'T BLAME ME I VOTED FOR TRUMP bumper stickers, "I Love Trump" t-shirts, one-of-a-kind CPAC-Edition MAGA hats, a Trump Election Year Donor Card, and last but not least, a Trump Football, hand-signed by the former water boy-in-chief and a real live football player, Herschel Walker.

But as the TV ads for carving knives, cure-alls and cookware say, there's more! Ex-president Very Stable Genius wants my opinion too. I have been invited to take the Official Presidential Speech Prep Survey and Official State of the Nation Survey, and to vote in the "Should Hillary Clinton Be Locked Up" poll (I wonder how that went). Oh, and I'm told that if I contribute now, I could be the one millionth donor at the Save America site. Or, as Trump himself puts it, "I want YOU to be our 1 millionth donor!" How could anyone pass on an opportunity like that?

Even though its purpose is malign, one has to admire, in a perverse way, Trump's never-ending quest to bleed his followers dry. And what better way to honor that duplicity than with a song. Here is one I happened upon that seems well-tailored to suit the invidious occasion. It is sung to the tune of Irving Berlin's memorable hymn to his adopted country, "God Bless America."

Trump scams America
He has a plan

He will dupe you
And bleed you

Till you'll wish
You were in Pakistan

From the 'Shine State
He'll seal your fate

With his rallies
Lies and cons

Trump scams America
The hoax goes on

Trump scams America
The hoax goes on!

February 24, 2022

What a great time to be on the outside looking in. Former president Donald ("Vlad's My BFF!") Trump, commenting on Vladimir Putin's aggression in eastern Ukraine, declared this week that "it never would have happened with us—had I been in office, not even thinkable. This would never have happened."

In logic, this is known as a hypothesis contrary to fact. In Trump-speak, it is known as a lie. Trump then labeled Putin "a genius" for violating international law by unilaterally declaring the eastern Ukrainian territories of Donetsk and Luhansk "independent republics"—with the word "independent" deserving the same kind of asterisk as Putin's "peacekeeping forces," which entered the areas shortly afterward.

In an appearance on the Clay Travis and Buck Sexton podcast, the consummate Putin apologist put it this way: "I went in yesterday and there was a television screen, and I said, 'This is genius.' Putin declares a big portion of Ukraine—Putin declares it as independent. I said, 'How smart is that.' And he's going to go in and be a peacekeeper.

"I knew Putin very well," the former bloviator-in-chief continued. "I got along with him great. He liked me; I liked him. I mean, you know, he's a tough cookie... But the way he—and he loves his country, you know? He loves his country." Having been told by none other than Bill O'Reilly that Putin is "a killer," Trump replied, "There are lots of killers," failing to add that there are few of them in Putin's league.

One can imagine the earth-shaking outcry from most Republicans if president Biden were to call Putin "savvy, smart" and "a genius" who "loves his country." You'd have to don the most expensive pair of noise-canceling headphones you could find to dampen the eruption, which would rival Mt Vesuvius on a good day. But to hear the Far Right tell it, you'd think Trump had done everything short of placing Putin in handcuffs and "locking him up," as he was urged to do with Hillary Clinton.

"Biden becoming president is the best thing that ever happened... for Vladimir Putin," senator Ted Cruz said on Fox News, adding that "Europe is on the verge of war because of the weakness, the fecklessness of Joe Biden." Luckily for Cruz, no one asked what he would have done differently to frustrate Putin's plans. We need a strong leader like Donald Trump, Cruz implied, as he had said so many times on the campaign trail in 2016 when not busy defending himself from claims by Trump that his father was involved in the assassination of JFK or that his wife was an ugly piece of trash. "Biden-Harris officials are to an enormous extent directly responsible for this crisis," Cruz told Fox News without fear of contradiction. That's right, senator Marco Rubio chimed in: "Weakness always invites aggression. And weakness in response to aggression always invites others to be aggressive as well." While he paused to give his listeners time to parse that, senator John Barrasso told Fox News that Biden "talked tough but Putin doesn't respect statements, he only respects strength." Strength like that shown by Trump at his summit meeting with Putin, when former president tough guy said that if every intelligence agency in America vowed that Putin had meddled in our elections and Putin denied it, he'd take Putin's word for it any day of the week. After all, Putin is "savvy, smart" and "a genius"—even though he has shown by his words and actions during the present crisis in Ukraine that he is rather far removed from being "a very stable genius."

Nevertheless, Putin says Ukraine is his. And who is to say him nyet?

February 25, 2022

"Hello..."

"Hello, Vlad, this is Donald..."

"Donald? Donald who?"

"C'mon, Vlad, ol' buddy. You don't have to play games with me! It's me, Donald, calling to check up on that hotel deal in Moscow..."

"Hotel deal? Oh, that Donald! Donald Trump!"

"Right you are. It's Donald, your BFF! Just wanted to see if you've broken ground yet on Trump Towers Moscow. And you can speak English with me...not that foreign language I hear you speaking so often, the one I can't understand..."

"So you want to know about the hotel..."

"Yes, and of course how the 'peacekeeping mission' in Ukraine is going..."

"Well, you know how it is...a missile here, a tank or two there, and soon there will be peace."

"Gotcha, Vlad. Sound like everything's under control. And look, I wouldn't be asking about the Towers, but I'm a little short on cash right now and have some pretty hefty loans coming due..."

"A cash flow problem?"

"Yes, but it's only temporary. I should be rolling in cash again by the end of this year, thanks to my Save America and Truth Social scams. But right now, knowing the Trump Towers deal is moving ahead would certainly help ease my mind."

"Well, you see, Donald, it's like this. We're having a bit of a cash flow problem here in Moscow too. Frankly, the sanctions imposed by the Biden administration and the EU are forcing us to consider some cutbacks..."

"Cutbacks? That doesn't sound good..."

"No, in fact it's very serious. Several of my closest friends have had to scrape by on less than seven or eight billion dollars this year..."

"That's terrible! Those poor oligarchs! That's about one step removed from Madagascar, Chad or Haiti! But what other cutbacks...?"

"Well, about your Trump Hotel in Moscow..."

"No! Not that! Not the Trump Towers...!"

"Yes, I'm afraid that despite our deep and enduring friendship, the hotel deal has been placed on hold."

"But Vlad, old friend, I NEED that hotel contract! Without it, I may be forced to sell my golf clubs!—and I don't mean the ones I use to stiff my playing partners. Is there anything I can do to start the ball rolling again?"

"Well, at this point, I don't see..."

"Look, Vlad, I MUST have that hotel, and here's what I'm willing to do to get it. I'll run again in '24, and this time I'll rig the election so tight there'll be no chance of losing to sleepy Joe Biden or whoever else runs against me. Of course I won't rack up your numbers, nowhere near that...but I'll steal more than enough votes to put me back in the White House where we both know I belong..."

"But how could that...?"

"I'm getting there. Look, once I' m back in office I'll make sure no one bothers you once you've decided to make Ukraine a part of Russia again. No sanctions, no speeches, not even a discouraging word—and the skies won't be cloudy all day. And to show how serious I am, I'll even throw in Lithuania and Latvia! On the house; with my compliments."

"Well..."

"C'mon, Vlad. I really need your help! Tell you what...I'll give you Estonia too!"

"Okay, Donald, old friend. You have yourself a deal. The Trump Towers contract starts moving forward today."

"Now you're talking! I knew I could count on a smart, savvy genius like you to pull the right strings! And before I let you go...too bad about Valieva in the free skate program..."

March 7, 2022

The year is 2073. Two fishermen have anchored their small boat near the eastern shore of the Sea of Florida. One of them speaks:

"Y'know, I been thinkin...'"

"Thinkin'? Thinkin' about what?"

"Well, mostly about how we got where we are. After all, the signs were everywhere... floods, tornadoes, earthquakes, forest fires, hurricanes, droughts... why didn't someone speak up and do somethin' about it while we still had the time?"

"Them's dangerous words, buddy. Y'know how president Trump the Kid has always told us things is under control, that these floods and fires and whatnot are only temporary and will soon disappear like magic..."

"Yeah, I know that. And of course I believe what he says. After all, he's a Trump. But hell, look where we are...half the country's under water, the other half is baking like a pizza, and we've had to move the nation's capital from Washington to Topeka, Kansas... Sometimes I wish we could still vote, like in the old days..."

"You hold your tongue, pardner! This boat could be bugged... just being out here fishing doesn't mean we're safe from the Compassionate Police...!"

"Okay, you made your point. But what is this primogeniture thing anyway, and how'd we get from democracy to government by only one family? Sounds a bit like royalty to me..."

"Well, the Trumps are a royal family. And you know very well how we got here. In fact, you voted for it, as did millions of other Americans. Donald Trump the Elder (may he rest in peace) told us he was the greatest president in American history, and a lot of people believed that... enough to change the Constitution and replace the popular vote with family succession, which has worked so well in other countries. But for all his smarts (he was a very stable genius), Trump the Elder was never too keen on climate change, so he basically let nature run its course and gave the energy industry a free hand, especially the coal producers who were always closest to his heart..."

"Well, I know you're right... still, even though president Trump the Kid says things'll soon be looking up, I'd like to see some honest-to-god proof of that. I remember when Trump the Patriarch started his third term, and he said we'd be much better off with only Trumps in office, and the people naturally agreed with him. We believed the Trumps would be smart enough to end these calamities, that there'd still be icebergs, and a north pole and antarctic to help keep things cool and dry...those were days of real optimism and hope. Well, the Trump family has been leadin' us ever since... first Ivanka, then Don Jr, Eric, and now Barron... who has a passel of kids of his own..."

"Yes, and you have to admit that things have been gettin' better... especially since the Depression of 2039-67 ended..."

"You're right, they have. And you really can't blame that little 28-year bump in the road on the Trumps... I mean, they suffered along with the rest of us. I still remember when Ivanka had to sell some of her jewelry on eBay, and they had to shut down Trump Towers Omaha and Kansas City...those were hard times indeed..."

"Yes, and... wait! Hold on! I think there's something on your hook!"

"Yes, there is! Let's reel him in... oh, damn! Just another plastic bottle! Back you go..."

"Well, keep on tryin,' buddy. I actually caught a real fish a couple weeks ago. Had three plastic bottles in his stomach..."

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