The Trump Files

"Yes, and that's the beauty of the Electoral College (not to mention Russian intervention). Even though she got a few more votes, Americans chose the best candidate anyway... and we won again in 2020 but this time the election was rigged. If you don't believe me, just watch Fox News..."

"It's hard to argue with that, Mr. president. As always, your logic is irrefutable—you may want to add 'irrefutable' to 'unrepentant' as a hip adjective...Now let's get back to January 6..."

"Yes, my peaceable allies have been badly mistreated, and when I am re-elected I plan to designate January 6 as 'Patriots Day...'"

"But don't we already have one of those?"

"I'm not sure. If we do, I'll think of some other name. Hey, somebody google 'Patriots Day' for me!"

"Oh, I just remembered. Two days before January 6 you made a phone call to Georgia secretary of state Brad Raffensperger..."

"Yes, a perfect call, if I remember correctly—and I always do..."

"You asked him to 'find' 11,780 votes, exactly the number you needed to win the state..."

"We didn't 'need' those votes. We already had more than enough to win, if you take away the thousands of dead people who voted, the ones from other states who sneaked into Georgia to vote for Biden and the 'phantom' votes hidden in suitcases. That election was a sham..."

"But even the Cyber Ninjas—your hand-picked auditors—couldn't find any evidence of fraud."

"They weren't given enough time. Everything was stacked against us, just like those crooked judges who threw 60 of our cases out of court..."

"Yes, those were dark days indeed...but then you received a welcome phone call of your own—from an 'undisclosed location'—from your old partner in crime, Roy Cohn..."

"Yes, it was so good to hear from Roy again; always the bearer of helpful advice. God bless him—well, someone please bless him..."

"And then in February, The Files introduced the pilot episode of 'The Marjorie Taylor Greene Show...'"

"Definitely one of my favorite programs. That MTG's a real straight-shooter; she's gonna make it after all..."

"Also in February, you were—ahem—impeached—again..."

"What a total waste of time—a witch hunt, just like the first one...you'd think they'd have found that witch by now..."

"But then in March, the Alabama state legislature named you 'one of the greatest presidents in our nation's history.' Wow!"

"Well, as you know, we've had some great presidents, there's no doubt about that...even though I can't think of any names off the top of my head. But when it comes to unmatched greatness, I have to agree with the people of Alabama...no president has ever trumped Donald Trump."

"You certainly sold a lot of high-priced tickets to your 'inauguration' in June 2021."

"Yes; a real shame it rained all day. 'Stormy,' as some critics might say. My hair just couldn't take it... and Melania had a P-TA meeting that same day..."

"But you did get some sound advice later that month from former senator Joseph McCarthy."

"Well, at least Mike Lindell did. We're still working on that. Joe's a real card—well, a card-carrier..."

"And speaking of cards, in August you debuted a new NFT credit instrument, the shrewdly named Trump Card..."

"I really thought my card would have put VISA, MasterCard and American Express out of business by now...maybe in another year or so..."

"And we mustn't forget the gripping 'true story' of your exceptional heroism on 9/11..."

"Yes, it's too bad they didn't keep better records of that. Just because no one remembered seeing me there that day doesn't mean it never happened...Even while in grave danger, I was pulling survivors out of the rubble as fast as I could...must have saved a couple thousand lives...the first responders were crying when I had to leave for a golf engagement..."

"Truly a remarkable fantasy, Mr. president. And by 'remarkable,' we of course mean 'strange...'"

"I still have nightmares about it..."

"You mean you worry about the victims you were unable to save?"

"No, I worry that someone may eventually find out the truth."

"You can relax, Mr. president. I think you've covered your tracks pretty well, as you always do. Anyway, the rest of 2021 was pretty quiet. Of course you did throw your MAGA hat into the ring to run for president again in '24...and in December we debuted the wonderful children's song 'Ex-prez Donald has a spread, E-I-E-I-O...'"

"Glad you reminded me of that one. I loved those verses about Rudy, Sydney, Matt and the others. I used to call them up at all hours and sing it to them. How they laughed and laughed!..."

"I'm sure they did, Mr. President, else you wouldn't have said so. Well, we could go on all day like this, but it's pretty clear to me that you're a big fan of The Trump Files, which is what we came to hear..."

"Yes, and we haven't even mentioned some of those great columns from 2022 and '23. I remember there was one about my 'chutzpah' (so true); another about the days after my 're-election' in 2024 (ditto); me trying to return 'borrowed' classified government documents to a public library; your marvelous portrait of my BLACK friend, Herschel Walker; my daring 'escape' from the shackles of the January 6 committee; a second 'visit' from Roy Cohn; the Trump Digital Trading Cards (I'll admit, they're still a work in progress); the splendid medley of updated Christmas songs (I especially loved 'Rudy the Red-Faced Lawyer'); your hilarious put-down of that phony Ron DeSantis; a review of my new album, 'With a Scam in My Heart'; and of course your humorous and clever send-ups of Cole Porter's 'Anything Goes' and Irving Berlin's 'Annie Get Your Gun...' Who says I don't have a sense of humor..."

"Well, everyone, actually—but we'll let that slide. Yes, I must blushingly admit that some of those columns were pretty good..."

"Now I have a question for you, Mr. Trump Files. Why have there been no columns about nuclear warming? It's by far the greatest threat to the future of humanity...shouldn't you be writing about nuclear warming? Even Tucker Carlson was blindsided when I let him in on that—so much so that he almost changed his facial expression."

"We're still gathering our 'facts' about nuclear warming, sir. Watch this space... Well, Mr. president, this has been a great two hours of mutual hogwash, and it seems you really are a devoted fan of The Files. You've hardly missed a beat! Tell me, is there anything you like about them more than anything else?"

"That's the easiest question you've asked all day. Of course there's something I like more than anything else about The Trump Files—they're all about ME!"

April 26, 2023

When you work for the Fox News Corp, one of two things is possible:

Either you are an asset or a liability.

One man makes that decision: Fox Corp chairman Rupert Murdoch—and there are no dissenting voices.

Murdoch bases his opinions on one outcome only: the bottom line. As he said of Fox News' coverage of the 2020 presidential election and its calamitous aftermath, it was never about red or blue, simply green, as that is the only color about which he cares in the least.

Tucker Carlson, Fox News' broadly popular and most-watched host and commentator, learned that the hard way this week. After airing his regular prime time show last Friday, he showed up for work Monday morning and was told, in essence, "Clean out your desk. You no longer work here."

That must have come as quite a shock to a man who considered himself the undisputed monarch of Fox World. And there was no one to whom he could appeal the decision, as he was told it "came from above," and everyone at Fox Corp knows what that means. Carlson found to his chagrin that when it comes to loyalty, Rupert Murdoch is every inch as compassionate and reliable as Donald Trump.

On the other hand, Murdoch didn't ascend to the top of the corporate mountain by being a fool. Every move he makes (except for marriage) is carefully planned and considered, taking each plus and minus into account. To Murdoch, Carlson's baggage outweighed his benefits, so he had to go. Simple as that. As for Carlson's large and devoted audience, Murdoch no doubt weighed their impact on the equation and decided that Fox News' grip on them was so tight that even Carlson's departure wasn't enough to move the needle. In other words, to hell with the audience; they'll stay loyal no matter what we do.

Murdoch's sudden decision to dump Carlson must have left the rest of Fox News' so-called "talent" quaking in their boots, or whatever vestments they wear under the desk where no one can see them. If Carlson, of all people, could be so readily slain, where might the axe fall next? Bill O'Reilly wasn't safe, nor was Glenn Beck, and now Tucker is gone... oh shit! Maybe climbing aboard this untethered right-wing bandwagon wasn't such a great idea after all...

Carlson will no doubt land on his feet. As someone who worked at CNN, PBS and even MSNBC before dropping anchor at Fox, he has no trouble changing his stripes. He will simply lick whatever hand is feeding him at the moment. It will be interesting to see if Carlson's departure causes even the least bit of anger or discomfort among Fox's audience. Murdoch is betting it won't, and he is right more often than not.

Meanwhile, in TrumpLand, Florida...

Former president Donald ("brother, can you spare a dime?") Trump greeted president Joe Biden's announcement that he plans to run for re-election in 2024 the way he greets everything else—by asking for your money, as much as you have and as quickly as you can send it to him. Here is a part of Trump's typically acquisitive online response:

"Joe Biden—the single worst president in American history—is officially running for re-election.

"Hopeless Joe's special interest donors are spending MILLIONS of dollars today to launch Biden's campaign and keep their corrupt puppet in the White House.

"But with YOUR help, today will be the moment his presidency begins its END.

"To make that a reality, every 1 minute that goes by today, we're counting on another 5,000 grassroots donors like YOU to step up and contribute.

"Biden's announcement will backfire like never before. No matter how many checks his special interest donors write, grassroots donors giving $1, $5, $15, $24, $47, etc. will DROWN OUT Hopeless Joe's Announcement Day and shift the spotlight to our America First movement.

"But it can only happen if YOU step up and contribute!

"Make no mistake, billions and billions of dollars will be spent by the Democrats to stop us from winning back the White House in 2024. And following Biden's announcement today, we have just DAYS left until the end-of-the-month deadline when our fund-raising numbers will be compared head-to-head for the FIRST TIME.

"But while Biden relies on Hollywood, the Soros Money Machine, and special interest donors to line his coffers, our campaign has something he NEVER will...

..."An entire movement of grassroots patriots like YOU with an unwavering resolve to SAVE our country.

"No matter how much they spend, no matter how many vicious attacks they throw our way, with YOUR sustained support, we will counter them at every turn.

"Please make a contribution before the end-of-the-month deadline [and before the jury reaches a verdict in my rape trial vs E. Jean Carroll in NYC] to help me OUTRAISE Biden and Kamala, WIN BACK the White House and MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!"

Okay, so we threw in that bit about the rape trial, even though it did get under way on Tuesday. Of course, Trump has zero proof that billionaire George Soros or anyone in Hollywood has given Biden so much as a dime of their money—but he doesn't need any. That's the beauty of having a horde of brainwashed followers who are eager to believe whatever you say and hand you their money. There is almost no work involved aside from hiring a mass-marketing firm to spread the word. Whatever comes in, as they say in the Mafia, is pure gravy. And if you can persuade the schnooks to vote for you too, so much the better. Playing president sure beats working for a living.

May 1, 2023

Whatever else he may be (insert favored adjective here), no one has ever accused former president Donald Trump of recognizing irony when he sees it. As a large number of lawsuits, civil and legal, state and federal, some with "jail time" writ large in their casebook barrel his way, Trump has greeted Joe Biden's announcement that he plans to run for re-election in 2024 by introducing at his tawdry Save America gift shop a new T-shirt bearing the motto "Crooked Joe" with pictures of Biden and his son, Hunter, beneath it.

That's right: Crooked Joe. The same Crooked Joe who has yet to be accused of inciting an insurrection aimed at overthrowing the government, taking hundreds of highly classified documents home and claiming they were rightfully his, raping a woman in a department store dressing room, arranging "hush money" payments to another woman to keep silent about an affair they had while he was married, or inflating/deflating entries on his tax returns to acquire favorable loans while defrauding federal and state tax departments. That Crooked Joe.

To properly celebrate the release of the new T-shirt, Trump says that from now on, he will be "using the name Crooked Joe Biden—he'll be known from now on as Crooked Joe Biden." And the best news is, you can have one of your very own "Crooked Joe" T-shirts for a lawful donation of only $47 (or more) to Honest Don's re-election campaign/legal defense fund. Let's help make America (fingers crossed) truthful again!

Meanwhile, in sunny Florida...

Governor Ron ("tomorrow belongs to me!") DeSantis continues to spar with Mickey Mouse, a complete mismatch in which the governor has yet to win a round.

The contest began when the Disney Corp, which operates Disney World in Orlando, voiced its disapproval of DeSantis' "don't say gay" legislation, aimed directly at the heart of the state's LBGQT+ community. The governor, who isn't used to hearing the word "no," vowed to make Disney pay for its opposition. Trouble is, every move made by DeSantis has been handily parried by Mickey Mouse and Co, leaving him confused and ever more desperate to restore his image as the toughest guy in the room.

When the governor appointed a hand-picked five-member board to supervise the district over which Disney World presides, Mickey outflanked him by signing an agreement with the outgoing board that maintained its primacy. After threatening to build a prison adjacent to Disney World, DeSantis proposed legislation that would enable the new board overrule its predecessor and revoke Disney's self-governing status. "That'll show them," he blustered.

Not so fast, guv, Disney replied. "We'll see your embargo and raise you one lawsuit." After easily evading DeSantis' limp jab, Mickey landed a powerful uppercut, suing the governor and his oversight board and accusing a dazed DeSantis of weaponizing his political power to muzzle Disney Corp's right to free speech. Although the governor hasn't been counted out yet, he is clearly on the ropes and hurting. The fight now shifts to the courts, where Disney, in its 77-page lawsuit, is seeking an injunction that would block the board from exercising the power DeSantis and the Republican-led legislature sought to hand it.

For some reason, the governor's impotent flailings reminded us of a cautionary tale titled "Guys and Dolls" that was penned more than seventy years ago by the legendary songwriter Frank Loesser. With apologies to Mr. Loesser, we have gently rephrased the title song from that memorable Broadway smash (in which Robert Alda, the father of M*A*S*H's Alan Alda, had the original role of Sky Masterson) and renamed it "Requiem for a Tough Guy" (sung of course to the tune of "Guys and Dolls"):

When you see a Mouse
Slipping into your house
You can bet it's a rodent
From Disney World

If you see him stand
With a lawsuit in hand
You'll soon learn it began
As part of a plan
For you on the stand

If the ghost of Walt
Says the squabble's your fault
You'd best put on your running shoes
And disband

Call it weird, call it tragic
But it's part of the Disney magic
That the Mouse has your balls
In his upper hand!

Moral: be careful who you mess with, tough guy. The Mouse has seen every trap and knows how to sidestep them with ease...

May 11, 2023

Mental illness.

According to Texas governor Greg Abbott (and others), it is "mental illness"—not lax gun laws or the ready availability of AR15s and other weapons of war—that is the cause of most mass murders, in his state and elsewhere.

If you sense the unpleasant aroma of b.s. in the air, you are not alone.

The fact is, few of those who carry out mass shootings are mentally ill. A large number of them, however, are bat-shit crazy.

What's the difference, you ask? Well, mental illness is exactly that: a disorder that needs treatment by professionals who are trained to help.

Crazy isn't the same. Crazy most often results from a steady diet of misinformation and disinformation that gullible recipients choose to swallow. They aren't mentally ill; they are simply misguided. They've been sold a bill of goods, one that they are only too happy to try on for size.

None of them is born thinking all Jews are evil, that one political party is comprised of demons who eat babies, among other perversions, or that there is a hidden conspiracy to "replace" them with less desirable (read: darker) people.

No, they've been fed those lies by heartless impostors who prey on their fears, insecurities and naivete and lead them to believe that up is down, in is out, black is white—whatever it takes to bend the mind to their purpose and cultivate a taste for vengeance, violence and blood. As Lt Cable sang about prejudice in Rodgers & Hammerstein's South Pacific, "you have to be carefully taught."

Yes, that's crazy. But certainly no crazier than our collective failure to try and keep weapons of mass destruction out of the wrong hands by enacting reasonable gun laws.

When it comes to crazy, our elected "leaders" take a back seat to no one.

When Republicans gained control of the White House, Senate and House of Representatives in 2016, the first bill they passed was one that made it easier for those with mental illness to acquire guns.

You heard right. Mental illness. Guns. Two ingredients that should never be blended together. But in the topsy-turvy mess that passes for US politics, they were first on the menu. And in fact still are. In Texas, almost anyone this side of toddlers can openly carry a gun—no permit required, nor any proof of a sound mind.

When people like Greg Abbott bloviate about "mental illness," what they are really saying—and anyone with even half a brain knows it—is, gun legislation is off-limits.

Why? The reason given most often is the Second Amendment to the Constitution, which by its very nature, gun rights defenders say, renders any attempt to restrict gun ownership unconstitutional.

Really?

What the Amendment says is that "the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

A right to "keep and bear Arms." Nowhere does it say what kind of Arms. The most destructive "Arms" available when the Constitution was written were single-loading muskets or primitive rifles. Semi-automatic weapons with high-capacity magazines capable of killing large numbers of people in a matter of minutes? The Founding Fathers would no doubt have been horrified by the prospect. Like anyone else, they had their faults, but bloodthirstiness wasn't one of them.

The wild card here is the NRA—the heavily-armed elephant in the room—whose pernicious and pervasive influence can't be overstated, as it is the actual reason why nothing to streamline and strengthen gun laws ever seems to get done.

Oh, the occasional band-aid is applied—and hailed by the NRA and its allies (which includes a majority of elected officials) as "progress." Trust me, any measure that earns the NRA's approval can never be seen as progress.

So much can and should be done to reduce the number of mass shootings. Other countries have. Civilized countries, that is. But they don't have to deal with the NRA or the Second Amendment, behind which its craven members invariably seek shelter.

Will we ever summon the collective will to address the problem, to make gun control a priority and amend our laws to more fully correspond with reality?

I don't think so. There are far too many crazy people running loose, and too many of them (in both parties) hold elective office. While that may sound bleak if not hopeless, the upside is that we needn't sweat the lack of meaningful gun legislation, as our inability to face the even larger threat of global warming will no doubt erase the populace faster and more completely than even the fastest gun in the West—or anywhere else.

No, we haven't forgotten...

This is The Trump Files. And former president "grab 'em" has been making headlines this week, for all the wrong reasons, as usual.

A jury in his home state of New York has found Donald Trump guilty of sexual abuse and defamation and ordered him to pay damages of $5 million to E. Jean Carroll who accused him of raping her in a department store dressing room nearly thirty years ago.

As this was a rape trial and the jury didn't convict him of that, Trump would no doubt be declaring "total vindication" were it not for the fact that he never considered the trial more than a "witch hunt" and was quite vocal about that.

Trump's legal team will file an appeal, of course, and should that fail, he'll busy himself trying to find ways to stiff Carroll as he has many others to whom he has owed money. She'll be lucky if she ever sees more than $5 of that $5 million.

Trump still faces criminal charges in a separate case in New York, and could soon be indicted in Georgia for trying to overturn the 2020 election results there. And speaking of indictments, two more may be coming his way from the US Department of Justice for (a) mishandling classified documents and (b) inciting an insurrection to try and thwart the legitimate electoral process on January 6, 2021.

On the bright side, the former swindler-in-chief may rest assured that even his most felonious behavior could never rise to the level of "crimes" committed by "Crooked Joe" Biden. As for what those crimes actually are, Trump says he has a list that he promises to show everyone "in two or three weeks"—as soon as his undercover agents have returned from Africa bearing Barack Obama's Kenyan birth certificate.

And finally...

There's a rather humorous story making the rounds within the DC Beltway, something about "alleged" moral and ethical lapses by Supreme Court justices—more specifically, justice Clarence Thomas (and his wife)—who have received enormous gifts and perks from a billionaire "friend" for decades and have somehow "forgotten" to list them as required by law on financial disclosure forms.

But that's not the humorous part. No, that part has to do with members of Congress making noises about actually DOING something about it, such as, for example, drafting and imposing a code of ethics on the nation's highest court, the only judicial body that adheres to no guidelines whatsoever. Never has, and if the Court has its way (which it always does), never will. Chief justice John Roberts won't even talk about it. As if any member of the Court would ever do anything unethical! Perish the thought! "We are perfectly capable of enforcing our own code of ethics!" Roberts says. And according to that code (which I have right here in my head), justice Thomas has done absolutely nothing wrong! Nor has his wife. End of discussion. Now let's get on with our impartial business of interpreting the law and the Constitution. What's that you say? The Court's approval rating has reached a new low this year? Well, to be honest (we can be when we want to), we're not the least bit concerned about that. Why? Because we're appointed for life, dimwits!!

May 18, 2023

Following our successful interview last month with Donald ("love for sale") Trump, and his bravura performance at CNN's televised Town Hall a week or so later, the former president was eager to sit down for another in-depth discussion of his presidency, its aftermath, and his plans to retake the White House—by any means possible—in 2024. Which is exactly what we did earlier this week, over lunch at his ersatz Mar-a-Lago palace. It was an interview that (literally) started on the wrong foot when a waiter inadvertently tripped over Trump's extended leg, sending a glass of water clattering to the floor.

"Oh, Mr. President," the waiter—visibly shaken by the accident—stammered. "I am so sorry! I do beg your pardon!"

"My pardon?" Trump replied, trying hard to keep a straight face. "That'll cost you two million bucks!"

"T-two million?" the clearly unnerved waiter said. "Surely you must know I...I could never..."

"Forget it," a now-smiling Trump said, obviously pleased that he had made the waiter's morning miserable. "That's just an inside joke between me and Rudy Giuliani. Just sweep up the glass and we'll call it even. And don't call me Shirley..."

"You really do have a warmer side, Mr. President," I said by way of opening our conversation. "But tell me...is that two million figure nonsense, or is it really true?"

"Well, just between the two of us, it's partly true..."

"How so?"

"You see, the payments come directly to me, so poor Rudy's never gonna see any of that money."

"But you're still selling presidential pardons..."

"Believe me, it's no big deal. If you go back a million years, every president has done it. I've heard that Nixon had to dig real deep for his...Pat set up a Go Fund Me account to cover the funeral expenses..."

"This is news to me, Mr. President. And I must add, one more masterful example of your reshaping the presidency to more closely suit 'the art of the deal.' So tell me, if you can, what else might be up for grabs?..."

"Well, since you asked...I've had some of my people working really hard, preparing for my return to the White House in '24 by making a huge 'for sale' sign we can hammer down right in the front yard..."

"For sale? You mean the White House itself?..."

"Of course the White House—and everything that's in it...why not?"

"Well, assuming there were no objections to the sale, sir—and I can't imagine who might disapprove—where would you then live?"

"Why, I'd be living right here—in sunny Mar-a-Lago, Florida. Look, there's no reason aside from tradition—which, when it comes down to it, means nothing—there's no good reason why a president has to live in DC, where it even snows every winter...Look, if I'm going to be president for life, I'd rather live someplace that's nice and warm..."

"Trust me, Mr. president, I have no doubt that you'll soon be spending all your time in a place that's nice and warm."

"So we're on the same page! I knew you'd understand. As for '24, there's simply no way I could lose. Well, there is one way, and we've been there before..."

"You're talking about the 'r' word, aren't you?"

"Yes, Biden and his gang of thieves already rigged one election; I'm sure they'd love to do it again."

"But wouldn't that be too obvious? I mean not like the first time when they kept the evidence of their dirty tricks so well-hidden that even the Cyber Ninjas couldn't find it..."

"And that's the beauty of January 6! They're on notice now that if they try those shenanigans again we'll have every armed right-wing terrorist group in the country mobilized and banging on the Capitol doors. They won't want to go through that again..."

"I suppose you're right, sir. But what would happen in the highly unlikely event that the Dems won fair and square?"

"You're not listening to me, Mr. Trump Files. Like I said, that could never happen...even if we had to declare victory three months before election day instead of on election night itself, as we did in November '20..."

"Declare victory months BEFORE the election? Isn't that like...cheating?"

"Not at all. It would only be cheating if there was any doubt about the outcome, but the vote in this case would be a mere formality. Everyone knows Crooked Joe wouldn't stand a chance against me in a rematch. So no, we wouldn't be cheating, merely confirming the results of a free and fair election."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

..."it makes perfect sense. Of course we wouldn't start crowing in advance that it was the LAST free and fair election the country would ever hold. We'd rather keep that under wraps for now..."

"In any case, Mr. President, our political divide has become so entrenched and heated that some pundits are warning we may be heading toward a second Civil War...speaking of which, as an historian who I'm sure has keenly studied our nation's past, what is your take on the earlier War between the States?"

"There were good people on both sides."

"I'll grant you that, sir, but what about Confederate leaders who fought against the Union and were later held accountable?"

"I probably would have pardoned most of them...that is, if they could come up with the cash..."

"But those people were fighting to defend and preserve the practice of slavery..."

"Now that's where you're wrong. That so-called 'war' had almost nothing to do with slavery. It was all about economics..."

"In what way?"

"Look, the southern landowners needed cotton to survive but didn't want to pick it themselves, as there were others living right in their neighborhood who could do it better and faster..."

"You're referring to the slaves..."

"We'd prefer to call them uncompensated plantation supporters..."

"So these 'plantation supporters' were forced to pick the cotton..."

"I think 'forced' is a rather harsh and misleading term. By all accounts they were happy to do it in return for three meals a day, a roof over their heads...almost all the perks other plantation supporters had..."

"Except for being free to work at other plantations..."

"Trust me, that really wasn't an issue until the 'woke' northerners proposed a sort of 'free agency' under which plantation supporters could actually move around and offer their support to the highest bidder—meaning they would be paid actual money! Disgraceful! No wonder southerners were ready to take up arms!"

"Because the slaves were no longer their property..."

"I told you before, they weren't 'slaves!' They were plantation supporters who loved the life they were living. If you don't believe me, look in any high school or college history book in Florida...you won't see the word 'slave' anywhere! Or 'gay...'

'So you think the southern way of life was a good thing..."

"On balance, yes. Society was more even-handed then, and people knew their place. Not like today with your gay pride, drag storytelling, trans bathrooms and shit like that. Makes me long for the good old days, I can tell you that."

"And when—not if—you are president again?"

"Well, without giving away any secrets—I'll be going to Mar-a-Lago with a banjo on my knee, and even Ron DeSanctus on his best day can't come close to out-Archie Bunkering me. I'll do everything in my power to make America white—I mean, great—again! As I say to anyone who wants a presidential pardon, you can take that to the bank!"

"Thank you, Mr. president. We'll talk about the lawsuits and indictments next time..."

May 29, 2023

The sentences keep coming for those who orchestrated or otherwise took part in the bloody insurrection at the US Capitol building on January 6, 2021, one whose aim was no less than the overthrow of a lawfully elected government.

Stewart Rhodes: eighteen years in prison.

Kelly Meggs: twelve years in prison.

Thomas Webster: ten years in prison.

Jessica Watkins: eight and one-half years in prison.

Kenneth Harrelson: four years in prison.

Donald ("whatever it is, I had a right to do it!") Trump: free as a bird.

Yes, we know that the former president spent almost every waking hour after the presidential election in November 2020 reminding his deluded followers that it had been "stolen" from him. Yes, we know he summoned them to Washington on January 6, saying it "would be wild." Yes, we know he was aware that many of those who came that day were armed, and that he nevertheless stood on a podium, directed them to the Capitol and urged them to "fight like hell" to return the White House to its rightful occupant.

But what was his INTENT? Did Trump really MEAN that they should engage with Capitol police, storm the building, try to apprehend (and hang) vice president Mike Pence and House speaker Nancy Pelosi, and make sure the electoral votes cast for Joe Biden could not be certified that day as required by law? Or was he only kidding?

Sure, Trump sat in the White House for more than three hours watching via television as the mob sought to carry out his marching orders, but is there a chance they misunderstood his purpose? Could his inaction have been part of a clever plan, one in which the mob would be confused by a lack of guidance or support from him and thus overwhelmed by the police? In the end, was he really on the side of law and order? If so, why send an armed mob to the Capitol in the first place?

These are among the questions DOJ special counsel Jack Smith must weigh as he considers whether to bring charges against the former president for his role as mastermind behind the insurrection. Apparently, it is not enough to offer irrefutable proof that Trump not only planned the coup but oversaw even the slightest detail, making sure he was engaged in every aspect of the insurgency short of attacking the Capitol himself. A jury must be convinced that Trump was REALLY SERIOUS about dismantling our democracy and reinstalling himself as president, contrary to every law in the books.

The same doesn't apply to other defendants in January 6 proceedings. For them, it's "you did the crime, you do the time." And so it's off to jail they go, many of them claiming they carried out their misdeeds while acting on direct orders from then-president Donald Trump. To which everyone so far seems to have responded, "Donald who?"

Much as we may scream about "equal justice" and declare that "no one is above the law," the fact is that there is one law for Donald Trump and another for everyone else, and they are in no way "equal." No one asks WHY those who invaded the US Capitol on January 6, 2021, were moved to do so. If they took part in the insurrection they are tried on the evidence alone, and if convicted are sent to prison.

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