The Trump Files

When asked about Trump's claim, none of the Big Five among America's "biggest and most prestigious publishing houses" said Trump had reached out to them about publishing his memoirs, and if he should, they wouldn't be interested. First, they said, there aren't enough fact-checkers in the business to verify the authenticity of anything he would write. And second, Trump has a history of leaving publishers holding the bag when it comes to profit-sharing. The former president, however, insists they'll come around, as his will be "the book of all books," no doubt replacing the Bible as the best-selling volume ever written. "When the time comes," he boasted, "you'll see the book of all books. Right now, I'm actually working on a much more important project!" And what, specifically, might that be, Mr ex-president?

Apparently, Trump was "writing like crazy" in December and January as well, urging the Department of Justice (a.k.a. the law firm of Barr, Rosen, Giuliani and Trump) to intervene and toss out the results in half a dozen states president never-say-die lost in the 2020 election. Among his claims: that votes had been changed from Trump to Biden by military satellites controlled by Italy with the knowledge and cooperation of the CIA. To which acting deputy attorney general Richard Donaghue replied: "Pure insanity." "Of course it is!" said US Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene (Nutcase-GA). "Anyone with half a brain knows it was Jewish lasers, not Italian satellites, that were changing the votes—and starting fires!" Greene should know, as she has long been president of the country's leading Half-a-Brain Society. With massive intellects such as hers on the case, who needs proof?

In other news...

Last week, a woman who organizers assumed was former White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany appeared before the conservative group Turning Point USA and began her address this way: "I cannot lie to you. My deep faith and family values prohibit that. So even though I appreciate your having invited me to speak, I must start by saying that my name is not Kayleigh McEnany, it's Kathy Lee Cockamamy, and I never served as former president Trump's press secretary. That was actually a look-alike named Barbie Babydoll, so neither I—nor Kayleigh—ever lied to the press or to the American people. The fact that my nose is more than three feet long is both coincidental and irrelevant. To tell you the truth—oh, how I love to start sentences that way!—to tell you the truth, Barbie Babydoll was the most forthright and honest press secretary since Sarah Huckabee Sanders. If you're looking for a role model, you can't do better than that.

"Barbie told the White House press corps she would never lie to them, and she meant it. I mean, she meant it when she said it. How was she to know that her boss would make anything BUT lying impossible? And so she was forced to tell a few teeny white lies from time to time, about such trivial matters as Trump's response to the Covid-19 pandemic, his hidden plan to replace the Affordable Care Act and his 'exoneration' by the Mueller report, among other Trumped-up falsehoods."

Barbie was quite good at her job, Cockamamy added; "she was always fair and balanced," which is why "she was able to land a lucrative contract as a Fox News contributor." After all, Cockamamy said, her fingers firmly crossed behind her back, Fox News "is so fair and balanced that it's literally their motto!"

After thanking her audience again, Kayleigh—um, Kathy Lee—closed by assuring them that "neither Kayleigh nor Barbie Babydoll would ever lie to you—and if they should, may lightning strike YOU dead!" The crowd was then seen leaving the venue at a much faster pace than usual—some, in fact, leaving behind coats, purses, keys and bottled water in their haste to evade what appeared to be a rapidly approaching storm cloud.

June 24, 2021

If you are planning to attend former president Donald ("reinstate me!") Trump's second inauguration, you'd best get your tickets now. Word has it they are selling fast on the internet, at prices as high as $1,200 for a singleton. Prices vary, of course, based on the means and gullibility of prospective buyers.

In case this is news to you, the big event is set for August 15 in DC, most likely at the Capitol building, as that is where such ceremonies are traditionally held. Ted Nugent will perform at the inauguration gala, as will Kid Rock. At least, that's what it says on the tickets, which have the sort of "official" imprimatur that is all but guaranteed to validate and reinforce even the most outlandish QAnon fantasy (and which have been labeled "fake" by debunker Snopes). Apparently (this can only be implied), president Biden is to be led from the White House in handcuffs, tried and convicted of impersonating a commander-in-chief while Trump and Melania return to their separate bedrooms at 1600 Black Lives Matter Plaza.

Before that happens, of course, the clearly impartial "audit" in Arizona will prove once and for all that president flimflam "won" that state in November, which would give him more than enough electoral votes to...hold on! That would give him only eleven more, raising his total to 243 compared to Biden's 295. I'm no mathematician, but it does seem that even a victory in Arizona would leave Trump a few votes shy of a plurality. He must have a Plan B hidden up his sleeve or between his tiny fingers, else how could he be so sure of his "reinstatement" (look it up in the Constitution, non-believers) in August. Trump has been telling some associates (he has no friends) that it's actually going to happen. In the end, only time will tell...but to be on the safe side, it's best that you reserve your tickets now; you wouldn't want to miss all the pageantry and excitement.

Read All About It...

Washington Post reporters Yasmeen Abutaleb and Damian Paletta have co-authored a new book, Nightmare Scenario: Inside the Trump Administration's Response to the Pandemic That Changed History (to be published on June 29). Without rehashing the grisly details, suffice to say that Trump's sole interest as the pandemic reached our shores was not protecting the American people but protecting his image.

In the early days, president Walter Reed opposed allowing fourteen infected Americans to return from a cruise ship, the Diamond Princess, arguing that their return to the US "doubles my numbers overnight." Those were heady times when 100,000 Covid fatalities was considered a highly unlikely if not impossible outcome. Instead of "doubling [his] numbers," Trump had a better idea. "Don't we have an island that we own?" he reportedly asked aides in the Situation Room. Rather than letting distressed citizens return home where they might infect others and tarnish Trump's closely guarded image, he suggested, according to "Nightmare Scenario," that they could simply be sent to Guantanamo, where the only people they could infect would be our terrorist enemies.

What infuriated Trump most, according to the authors, was testing—"Testing is killing me!," he is quoted as saying. "I'm going to lose the election because of testing! What idiot had the federal government do testing?"—and vaccines. Not the vaccines themselves, but the fact that he couldn't coerce FDA scientists to approve an effective vaccine before election day in November 2020. Meanwhile, the nation's virologist-in-chief (no, not Dr Fauci) was promoting "cures" dreamed up in his own aberrant mind involving Clorox and other benign mediums. And the rest—600,000 funerals and counting—is history.

But don't blame Trump, says My Pillow czar Mike Lindell; blame God who put him in office in the first place. Lindell says he was introduced to president Sanctimonious I by "divine appointments," and after meeting Trump face-to-face in August 2016, left the meeting believing that the con artist-in-waiting would be "the greatest president in American history." Yes, that was admittedly a close call, and Lindell only missed it by forty-four.

What Trump needs now, more than ever, is someone to stand resolutely by his side and "speak the truth" to the American people. And it seems Trump may have found that truth-teller in Republican National Committee spokeswoman Liz Harrington. President scapegoat didn't lose the 2020 election, Trump's latest mouthpiece declared last week from her pedestal on high, it was "stolen by communists." At last! someone who doesn't cling to the fantastical stories about Italian satellites, Jewish-controlled lasers or late-night "vote dumps." Harrington's clear-eyed statements have arrived like a breath of fresh air amid the muddled wrangling that has plagued the post-election discourse. Like the one she made last November, insisting that Joe Biden couldn't have earned more than 80 million "real votes" because the crowds at his campaign events were much smaller than Trump's. Who could argue with that? You simply take the size of the crowds and multiply them to equal the number of votes cast—irrefutable logic pared down to its leanest fragment. A Nobel Prize in mathematics? Liz Harrington HAS to be on the short list!

I'll See Your Lawsuit...

And raise you one. Undaunted by the many lawsuits, civil and criminal, steadily advancing toward his Mar-a-Lago den, former president Pugnacious I has sued the city of New York for canceling the Trump Organization's contracts owing to his "unforgivable acts" in provoking a deadly attack on the US Capitol building on January 6. "I did no such thing," Trump whimpered, thumb-in-mouth. Mayor Bill de Blasio's cancellations, he said, are "purely politically motivated," as are any acts that don't meet with Trump's approval. Furthermore, he asserted, as one who should surely know, they "have no legal merit." Even the Supreme Court may have trouble swallowing that argument. Nevertheless, Trump plows doggedly forward, sure in his mind that "his strength is as the strength of ten, because his heart is pure"—and that crap shooters like him never die, they simply fade away.

June 30, 2021

"Michael...Michael Lindell..."

"Who...who is that? And why are you resting your head on...My Pillow?"

"Relax, Michael. It's only Joe, your guardian demon. You may remember me as senator Joseph McCarthy."

"Yes, I do remember you. The famous commie-hunter. But guardian demon? Don't we humans usually have guardian angels?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, Michael, there is a never-ending shortage of angels at my present address. We do the best we can..."

"Okay, I can live with 'guardian demon.' But tell me, why are all those gavels hanging around your neck?"

"I wear the gavels I used on earth to ruin so many innocent lives. But that's another story...by Dickens, as I recall..."

"Well, you must have been sent to me for a purpose. So tell me, what is it?"

"Michael, we see a lot from my new vantage point, and I've noticed with great interest how you've been blaming the commies for stealing the recent election from president scumbag (we don't use the word 'former' here either). It's a really marvelous ploy, but frankly, it needs a bit of refining..."

"How so?"

"Well, for one thing, you've been shouting to everyone who'll listen that you have 'proof' that Trump actually won the election by a landslide and boasting that the Supreme Court will agree, but you've left out one crucial element..."

"And what would that be?"

"Paper! Paper, amateur! You have to wave sheets of paper and say you have a 'list' of commies who helped steal the vote and rob Trump of his well-earned victory! And back it up with numbers. Tell everyone you have a 'list' of, let's say, 300 commies, or 743, or even thousands if it suits your purpose. It doesn't even have to be the same number every time you say it, as long as it's in the ballpark..."

"But suppose someone wants to see the list?"

"You really don't get it, do you, Michael? No one is going to ask to see the list! I waved lists for almost four years, and not once did I have to show them to anyone! That's not how it works. You say you have a 'list' of wrongdoers and everyone says, 'Well, if he has a list, it must be true!' End of discussion."

"It's as easy as that?"

"Based on my experience, I can guarantee it."

"But what about the Supreme Court...?"

"That's the very least of your worries! Michael, you've already said the 'proof' that Trump won, and won big, is so clear the Court won't even need any more evidence—that once your argument has been heard, SCOTUS is bound to rule 9-0 in your favor and reinstall president lard-ass by the fall..."

"Well, maybe not 9-0; perhaps more like 8-1..."

"The point is, Michael, you'll win! And not only win, but win by a landslide, just like your glorious leader..."

"But are we on firm constitutional ground?"

"Michael, Michael...I just laughed so hard I spit Jim Beam through my nose! Once more, my liege—the Constitution is no big deal! The Constitution is what SCOTUS SAYS it is! They'll kick Biden out on his ass based on the 'reinstatement clause' in the Constitution."

"But..."

"There is no 'but,' Michael! Yes, you and I know there's no such thing as a 'reinstatement clause.' But how many Americans do you think have actually READ the Constitution? I could count them on the fingers of one hand if my fingers weren't perpetually chained behind my back...It's true, some scholars may insist that's not what the Constitution says, but you can dismiss their arguments as 'radical left-wing witch hunts.' A no-brainer. Always works for Trump."

"So what you're saying is I should just wave some papers around, say they contain 'lists' of commies who cost Trump the election, take those same 'lists' to the Supreme Court and they'll see to it that president conniver is re-installed? No questions asked?"

"If all goes as planned, absolutely."

"What do you mean, 'if all goes as planned'?"

"Well, there could be a teeny road bump or so...but remember, your guardian demon always has your back." "Road bumps such as...?"

"Well, there's the news media, some of whom still cling to such old-fashioned ideas as 'truth' and 'facts'—but they've lost most of their credibility thanks to president 'enemies-of-the people' and his relentless attacks. So I don't think they'll be giving you much flak..."

"Anything else?"

"Well, there's a small chance someone may approach you and say, 'Have you no shame, sir?' You'll have to be ready for that one (I wasn't)..."

"But the answer to that is..."

"Yes, I know; obvious. The point is, Michael, you can't OWN that or the game is up! You'll have to have a clever response ready. I know!—do what Trump always does! When someone asks 'have you no shame,' you shout 'shame on you!' And make it sound convincing, like he does..."

"That's a lot to remember. I'll do what I can. But you say you'll have my back. Does that mean you'll be visiting again?"

"Yes, Michael, you can count on it. As long as there are commies afoot you can be sure I'll be on the case. As Shakespeare would have said if he were alive today, we shall renew our covenant (Q)anon..."

July 5, 2021

Good morning. Drumpf Organization. Thank you for calling. How may I help you?

You wish to speak to Mr Trump? I'm sorry, there's no one here by that name. This is the Drumpf Organization.

Our CEO? That would be Donald Drumpf. But he's not in his office at the moment. I believe he's in Florida, or perhaps New Jersey. I can assure you he's not in New York.

Our CFO? That's Allen Icelberg—around here we call him "Tip."

No, he's not in the office either. But he is in New York; at least he was last week when he accompanied some nice gentlemen to a local courthouse. We haven't heard from him since then but we expect him back in the office any day now.

Yes, we are often mistaken for that other organization, which I've heard is in some sort of legal trouble. Has nothing whatsoever to do with us.

Well, yes, we do rent from them, which is why our business address is Trump Tower. But that's all. We're DRUMPF, not Trump, and if anyone asks—mind you, I'm not saying anyone would—but if anyone should ask, please let them know we are two very different companies who happen to share the same business address—and a name that sounds almost alike. I'm sure you can see how some people may be confused by that.

No, we're in real estate too. Of course there are no Drumpf Towers in New York or anywhere else. We don't believe in blowing our own horn. Not that there's anything wrong with that! If that other gentleman, Mr Trump—who incidentally we've never met—wants to put his name on buildings and such he has every right to; that's really none of our business.

We at Drumpf pride ourselves in doing things strictly by the book. No shady goings-on or under-the-table perks here. The Drumpf name proudly stands for transparency and integrity. Yes, I know we've been mistaken for those other guys; as I said, that's clearly because the names are so similar.

Oh, I'm sorry—where are my manners? We've been on the phone for almost five minutes and I haven't even asked who's calling.

Mr Vance? Cy Vance? That's funny, you have the same name as—oh, you ARE the district attorney! And you say you were calling Mr Drumpf but would be happy to speak to someone else who knows the business and is here on a daily basis...

Well, let me see...the only full-time employees who are close to Mr Drumpf are his children...Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr....yes, I know, that is quite a coincidence too...but they aren't in the office today either. I'm told that the last time anyone saw them there had been some sort of accident and they were thrown under a bus...nothing serious, I've been assured...only superficial wounds. They should be fine in a few years...weeks!

Well, have a nice day, Mr Vance. Sorry we couldn't be of more help. We here at the Drumpf Organization—and by the way, that's spelled D-R-U-M-P-F—pride ourselves on being of service to others. And if we do hear from Mr Drumpf, you'll be the last—the FIRST!—to know. Now if you'll excuse me I have some very important contracts to mail to a Mr Putin in Russia...

July 9, 2021

But enough about former president "Adolph-wasn't-that-bad." Instead, let's talk today about...

Rudy Giuliani!

Yes, that Rudy Giuliani. He of the bleeding mascara and inability to tell a Hilton Hotel from a garbage dump. Remember him? Former crime-busting DA in NY, later widely known as America's mayor, a man whose career path has spiraled downward so rapidly that his most recent gig was defense lawyer for the aforesaid ex-storm trooper-in-chief. As it turns out—much to Giuliani's chagrin—his employer has one other invidious trait that somehow slipped under Rudy's radar: a penchant for stiffing those who have helped him—in business or any other pursuit. Once Giuliani's work was done, and the last of his sixty-plus frivolous lawsuits laughed out of court, Trump simply refused to pay him for his time and trouble, ill-conceived as may have been.

Not to worry. A few weeks ago, one of Rudy's pals, former NYC police commissioner Bernard Kerik, offered to lend a hand by creating an endowment to help pay Giuliani's expenses, and so the "Rudy Giuliani Legal Defense Fund" was established with a modest $5 million goal. Needless to say, the fund has been a roaring success, and today stands only $4,990,000 short of its target.

What can we learn from this? Well, for one thing, that Giuliani remains as popular and likeable as ever. For another...no, that's basically all there is. The "Legal Defense Fund" itself speaks volumes. It does seem that Rudy may have to find another way to defend himself from the rising tide of legal woes that are either in his lap or heading that way. One thing is clear: he'll have one helluva mountain to climb if he wants to represent himself in court, as his license to practice law has been suspended in NY state and the District of Columbia. Something about "demonstrably false and misleading statements" to courts, lawmakers and the public at large, and conduct that "threatens the public interest..."

Conveniently overlooking his appearance at a Trump rally shortly before the invasion of the US Capitol on January 6, Giuliani said that "none of those statements...not a single one of them...led to a protest, a riot, an incident, an anything." A matter of opinion? Well, Rudy has his, the courts have theirs. And as of today, the scoreboard reads Courts 2, Giuliani 0.

Well, maybe just a word or three...

We can't check out without checking in on former president Donald "see you in court" Trump. He is, after all, suing Facebook, Twitter and Google for their "illegal, shameful censorship of the American people"; in other words, their censorship of him. Of course, a snowball in hell would envy the chance that Trump's lawsuits may succeed. Trump surely knows that too, but that's not the point. News of his lawsuit was quickly followed by the usual entreaty: "We need YOUR help!" Yes, he is imploring his fawning and brain-dead followers to "please contribute IMMEDIATELY!" Media platform censorship, he declared, is "unlawful, unconstitutional and completely un-American." And to make sure the message was being heard loud and clear, he added, "Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule!"

Assuming the money would soon start rolling in, the former blusterer-in-chief said this would be "the first of numerous lawsuits" (everyone has seen how effective his "numerous lawsuits" were in overturning the 2020 presidential election). These lawsuits, he said, will represent "a pivotal battle in the defense of the First Amendment," and are destined to "achieve a historic victory for American freedom and, at the same time, freedom of speech..." (Tip to salesman: never oversell the product).

Brian Fitzpatrick, a law professor at Vanderbilt University, begs to disagree. "I wouldn't be surprised," he said, "if it ends with sanctions against the lawyers for filing a frivolous lawsuit." Now where have we heard that before? (See paragraphs 1-6 above.) George Conway, another lawyer (and husband of Kellyanne), tweeted, "I've skimmed former guy's complaint against Facebook and it's every bit as stupid as you'd think it is."

But hey, pigeons, pay no attention to what those radical leftists are saying! This is definitely NOT another thinly-veiled fund-raising scheme. Trust us—this time we really mean business! So you just keep those bills and coins (preferably bills) coming...

July 16, 2021

Better late than never...

Hallelujah! At the age of forty-three, former president Bible-thumper's eldest child, Donald Trump Jr, has at long last found religion!...well, sort of.

In an unprompted (and "holy" unnecessary) Instagram statement this week, Don Jr speculated that the destruction in Toledo, Ohio, of a mural honoring police victim George Floyd (which some bystanders allege was struck by lightning) might be a sign from God. "I mean you have to wonder," he mused, "if someone, like a higher power, is telling us something here?!?"

Nice try, Junior, but you overshot that omen by almost two years. The real "sign from God" came toward the end of 2019, in the form of a deadly worldwide pandemic now known as Covid-19, which conveyed a clear and unequivocal message from On High: "Remove that lying, thieving, conniving lump of self-centered excrement from the White House ASAP or I can promise you a future marked by frequent and powerful earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, floods, wildfires, Clorox infusions and, if all else fails, plagues of locusts!"

Don Jr may have overlooked that message but the American people were paying closer attention, and in November 2020 they sent his worthless dad back to his favored home on the golf course and replaced him with someone who actually knows how to govern. That should have been the end of the story. Don Sr, however, has refused to abide by God's plan, insisting instead that Joe Biden colluded with more than eighty-one million Americans to "steal" an election that was rightfully his. "We were doing so well," he confided to a cataleptic and spoon-fed audience at last week's CPAC convention, "until the rigged election happened to come along." Everyone, he insists, up to and including the Supreme Court is in on the con, hoodwinking Americans into believing the former Goliath-in-chief actually lost an election to Sleepy Joe Biden. "No way I could lose to that guy," he said—apart, that is, from receiving seven million fewer popular votes and seventy-four fewer electoral votes.

Trump's Big Lie led on January 6 to an invasion of the US Capitol building by a motley assortment of his rabid pawns, a breach in which dozens of Capitol police were injured and five people died, or as a GOP congressmen later described it, "an ordinary tourist day." The mob that sacked the Capitol and sought to "hang Mike Pence" was about two thousand or so strong (and we use "strong" in the broadest possible sense), which didn't stop the former bloviator-in-chief from claiming at the CPAC conference that "a million people were there" (many of whom were no doubt at his inauguration as well) and that they were "good people, patriots" (English translation: "they were worshiping me").

What is most incomprehensible and troubling is that seventy-four million Americans actually voted for that narcissistic windbag for president, and many say they would do it again. If that doesn't give rise to nightmares or sleepless nights, nothing will.

Elsewhere...

With the election "audit" in Arizona going so well ("we'll uncover those fraudulent votes if we have to use X-rays, MRIs and hydroxychloroquine"), it was only a matter of time before other states latched onto such a great idea and decided to follow suit. In bright-red Oklahoma, a Republican lawmaker asked for a "forensic audit" of the presidential vote in that state, saying "we must prove that our elections are secure," even though the vote in Oklahoma seemed "secure" enough in November when former president Trump won seventy-seven of the state's seventy-seven counties. Paul Ziriax, secretary of the state's election board, said that sounded pretty fair to him and denied the request, saying an independent audit is not allowed under state law. The fact remains, however, that someone asked for said audit in a state in which Trump won EVERY COUNTY and more than sixty-five percent of the popular vote! The reason? Republicans want to keep "sowing the seeds of fraud" in voters' minds so that Trump's next claim of a "stolen election" may be taken seriously by people who should know better. Remember, you heard it here first.

And don't get me started on voter suppression or anti-vaxxers...

I will, however, close on a happier note: the Trump Organization (and perhaps Trump himself) is in legal hot water in NY State, and is scrambling to distance itself from CFO Allen Weisselberg who has "resigned" from a trust set up to control all of the company's assets, not to mention from every Trump subsidiary in which he held a title. It won't be long until the fibber-in-chief is saying things like, "Weisselberg? Weisselberg? No, the name doesn't ring a bell. I believe someone with that name may have worked for our company some years ago, but as I recall, his duties were mainly secretarial and had nothing to do with finances, especially payments to porn stars, things like that...Why do you ask?"

July 20, 2021

Good morning, students. Please have your pencils in hand. We're beginning today's lesson in Trumpism 101 (or, How to Succeed at Chicanery Without Really Trying) with a pop quiz. There is only one question, and the answer is multiple-choice. Is everyone ready? All right, here's the proposition: Suppose someone were to tell you that former president Trump earned more than eighty million votes in the 2020 presidential election, while president Joe Biden earned less than sixty-eight million. Would you:

(a) show a middle finger while backing slowly and carefully away;

(b) applaud enthusiastically while raising a banner that reads "Trump 2024";

(c) wait patiently for a punch line;

(d) glance furtively from side to side to see if you may be on Candid Camera;

(e) dial 911 and ask for the name and number of the nearest mental health professional;

(f) politely ask the person who is providing the numbers for proof that would support the statement.

All right, please pass your papers to the front of the room. Thank you. If you answered (a), you clearly have more sense than a block of granite but need to work on your social skills. If your answer was (b), you have less sense than a block of granite and need to delete Fox News from your list of "favorite TV channels." If you answered (c), you are obviously confused but at least have a sense of humor. If your answer was (d), it may have been in the ball park half a century ago but reveals today an inordinate fondness for MeTV. If you answered (e), you are leaning toward a sensible response but forgot to add "please hurry! I don't think this person is joking!" And the correct answer, of course, is (f), asking for proof. This is especially true if the person citing the numbers is dressed as the Easter bunny or answers to the name Mike Lindell.

It was Lindell, you may have heard, who quoted those very same numbers a week ago to a gathering of GOP bootlickers, whose response was full-throttle (b). Make that capital B (rhymes with BS). No one clamored for (f), as that would have destroyed the illusion and required a substantive answer, whereas there is no (f). Never has been, never will be. Lindell certainly knows this. But that doesn't stop him from proclaiming he has so much (f) that the US Supreme Court will agree with him and "reinstate" the former hoaxer-in-chief to the presidency, perhaps by the end of August if not sooner. Let's hope that Lindell is ready to pull that magical rabbit from beneath his MyPillow, as August is almost here and SCOTUS is hibernating until October. A special session, perhaps, to declare the 2020 presidential election null and void? Nothing is beyond Lindell's delusional reveries, so long as they may lead to a warm hug and thank-you from his Mar-a-Lago dreamboat. While pursuing his fantasy, however, it would behoove Lindell to bear in mind what Trump thinks of "losers..."

And if you think THAT'S weird...

Someone at the recent Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) conference was handing out "Trump cards," consisting of a "seven-point plan" designed to return Donald Trump to the presidency "within days." The plan certainly seems clear and logical—or would, that is, to a four-year-old on the eve of enrolling in pre-school. It goes something like this:

Step 1. Expose the Democrats for who they really are and watch House Speaker Nancy Pelosi "melt like the Wicked Witch of the West" as key caucuses suddenly flip from blue to red.

Step 2. Witness a true conservative elected Speaker (last name McCarthy?) and FINALLY reveal the "suppressed results" of investigations into election racketeering.

Step 3. Correct the record to confirm that Donald Trump won the 2020 election.

Step 4. Draft articles of impeachment for president Biden and vice-president Kamala Harris (charges aren't spelled out, but it is presumed they would include cannibalism, pedophelia, drinking the blood of innocent Republicans and claiming that January 6 was an "insurrection").

Step 5. Place former president Trump third in the line of presidential succession by electing him Speaker of the House.

Step 6. Have the Speaker call for a vote to impeach, charge and remove the impostors, Biden and Harris.

Step 7. (a) Duly impeach, charge and remove Biden-Harris, thus rendering every decision made and law passed during their time in office null and void. (b) Reinstall Donald Trump to his rightful position as president of the United States.

Does anyone see any flaws in that argument? I thought not. Well, then, let's get down to brass tacks. Who would like to start by exposing the Democrats "for who they really are"? Please, please!...don't everyone shout at once. Let's have a show of hands...you there, in the back...representative Greene from Georgia...no, Ms Greene, we're not suggesting that you SHOOT them! (although we've heard worse ideas)...Let's point out their misdeeds first, give them a fair and impartial hearing, THEN shoot them!...honestly and lawfully. It's how Adolph...pardon, Donald...would want it...

July 26, 2021

As even the most diehard conspiracy theorists would no doubt agree, Americans need a break from the hubbub, hullabaloo and claims of fraud that continue to bedevil the 2020 presidential election. In Arizona, GOP state representative Wendy Rogers believes we should be talking sports—but not talking about weak-kneed teams like the Cleveland Indians or Washington Football Club who are sacrificing their time-honored names on the altar of political correctness. Or perhaps, she says, we should be honoring American heroes like Stonewall Jackson or Robert E Lee who fought to keep the world safe for slavery. To show how broad-minded she is about race, Rogers says she even has a soft spot in her heart for Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben. And to underline that sentiment, she has written a cheery new song that's been climbing quickly on the Red State hit parade (with apologies to Ralph Freed and Burton Lane):

I like that Indians crew
How about you?

I like the Redskins too
How about you?

I love a vote recount
When it favors me

I'm fond of Stonewall too
Patriots who're true and blue
Like Robert E Lee!

I'm a Jemima fan
Can't get my fill

And Cyber Ninjas can
"Find" votes at will

Singing praises of Uncle Ben
May not be Trumpian
Way out there, that's true

But I like him
How about you?

Even though her talents as a songsmith—to borrow another Trumpian maxim—are unimpeachable, another recount—even an "audit" under the watchful eyes of the Cyber Ninjas—isn't good enough for senator Rogers. She has demanded that Arizona's electors be "recalled"—even though they cast their votes in January—and that the state's 2020 presidential election be re-run from the starting line. The reason, of course, is obvious: massive voter fraud that "stole" the election from the rightful winner, Donald J Trump—duplicity that was so blatant and obvious that no proof is needed. We need only take her word for it.

After reviewing a statement from Doug Logan, the founder (and possibly only employee) of the Florida-based Cyber Ninjas, in which he produced zero evidence of any election irregularities but hinted that he might find some if he were allowed to look more closely, Rogers—perhaps reading the minds of vote-weary Arizonans—declared, "I've heard enough." She then demanded that the state's electors be "recalled" (a stratagem that would have had our Founding Fathers scratching their wigs in amazement) and "a new election be conducted. We need to get this right!" In other words, Arizona must keep holding elections until Trump wins the vote, no matter how many that may require. By the time it's sorted out and Trump is declared the "winner" in Arizona's 2020 election, president Simone Biles may be serving her second term.
Speaking of former president now-you-see-it-now-you-don't...

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