The Trump Files

Gene L. Ford By

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"Trust me, I have my ways. I didn't have some loser write The Art of the Deal for me for nothing (well, I did pay him almost nothing, but that's another deal). I'll have Mexico begging to pay us, just like they're paying for the wall—in three hundred million easy payments starting in 2050. Believe me, Americans will be so tired of winning they'll be begging me—please, Mr president, stop all that winning—we can't take it anymore...!"

"That sounds familiar, Mr president. Isn't that what you told them four years ago?"

"Yes, and we'd have kept that promise except for Pelosi, Schumer and the other corrupt Democrats who kept putting road blocks in our way..."

"But isn't that where the art of the deal comes in?"

"Look, I'm a dealer, not a magician. In real estate you simply have to con a sucker by inflating or deflating figures depending on which way you want him to go. It's like three-card monte or the shell game. By the time the mark figures out where the card or pea is hidden you've sold him some useless swampland in Louisiana, or wherever. And he's so grateful he thanks you for it! In Washington, you have to have the votes in congress. And that means kissing up to Pelosi and her crooked pals. Even a sharp dealer like me draws the line there."

"So what makes you think things would change after November?"

"That's the deal, don't you see? I've been infected with COVID and survived! That gives me...that gives me...you know, that thing where you care about other people..."


"Yeah, that's it! Empathy! I'll be looking after the Cratchett family and buying them a Christmas goose, showering love on my fellow man, and people will say, 'That Donald Trump, he's really changed!' And that's when I'll have 'em! Even the Dems won't be able to say 'no' to a president as nice as me!"

"But it's all an act?"

"No, not at all. It's simply the Art of the Deal! Rule No. 1 is, if you can't beat 'em, con 'em!"

"But Mr President, millions of people are watching the debate this evening. Haven't you, well, sort of given the game away?"

"No, no!...most of my base pays no attention to what I say, and those that do, convince themselves 'that's only Trump being Trump.' I can't lose! Well, I can lose, but only if the election is rigged! And even if that happens—which, believe me, it won't—I'll have the Proud Boys and Supreme Court standing back and standing by..."

"Well, Mr president, you've certainly shed a lot of light on your deal-making approach, even if you did take much of Mr Biden's time..."

"Who wants to hear him anyway? He barely knows the time of day. And did I mention I'm feeling better than I have in forty years?"

"That's certainly good to know, Mr President. But let's move on now to our second question, American Families. This time we'll start with you, Mr Biden..."

"See, I told you she'd be unfair to me! I wanna go first! I know that one! Chris Christy prepped me...There's a daddy, a mommy (two or three if you're lucky), and maybe some kids..."

In other news...

Every once in a while a headline makes news, or at least draws an LOL response. On the first Tuesday in October, one day after president hercules returned to the White House from Walter Reed Hospital, Bloomberg News came out with this doozy: "White House to Sharply Limit Access to Trump After His Return." So how has that been going?

Speaking of Trump and COVID, neither he nor his doctors will say when he last tested negative for the virus, with May 21 the most recent date they will commit to on the record. That's obviously a few weeks before president truth-above-all tested positive, on October 1. We can be certain he isn't tested regularly, as press secretary Kayleigh McEnany told the press in July that the president was tested "multiple times a day." Based on her track record, that means he was tested perhaps once a month or so. The question is, how many other people might he have infected? And the answer is, he really doesn't give a shit. President pasteur is "immune," which is the only outcome that matters to him.

And before leaving the topic of immunity... a Nevada man last week became the first known case in this country of Covid-19 reinfection, adding to a list of growing examples around the world of patients who have recovered from the virus only to fall victim a second time. The 25-year-old man suffered two bouts of Covid-19 infection, in mid-April and late May. The second case was more severe than the first, requiring supplemental oxygen and admission to a hospital. Reportedly, his last words before entering the hospital were, "The president told me I'd be immune." Other such cases have been reported in Hong Kong, the Netherlands, Belgium and Ecuador.

And finally...

For those of you who simply can't wait to get back on an airplane, American Airlines has announced plans to clear its Boeing 737 Max for passenger flights by the end of the year. In case you may have forgotten, the 737 Max has been grounded since March 2019 following two avoidable crashes that killed 364 of its loyal passengers (and crew). AA plans to start slowly with once-a-day flights between Miami and New York to see if the plane can remain airborne before adding more routes. Tickets for the earlier flights will become available later this week, so step right up! As president roll-the-dice would say, "What have you got to lose?"

And from Vanity Fair online, the best and most accurate description I've read of the relationship between Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani: "Thick as thieves."

October 27, 2020

In the interest of brevity and clarity, with only one week remaining until the 2020 presidential election, I am condensing today's message into one word:


"Honestly, the way president Trump has basically ignored the coronavirus pandemic, playing it down and then lying about it, makes me sick to my stomach."

Well, in my medical lexicon there's a proven cure for that uneasy feeling of nausea:


"Trump doesn't seem to want to listen to scientists, like Dr Fauci or Dr Birx, and acts like he knows more than they do. And he belittles the FDC and FDA, the agencies on whose expertise he should be relying. That sort of only-I-know-what's-best attitude really worries me."

So you'd like a government that is more science-and fact-based than one that relies for the most part on voodoo, witchcraft, wishful thinking, intimidation and voter suppression? There's one way to help restore that balance:


"Trump wants to overturn the Affordable Care Act—in the middle of a pandemic!—which would effectively make health care too expensive for millions of Americans and eliminate care for pre-existing conditions, but he seems to have no plan to replace it. That doesn't make much sense to me."

It makes sense only to president harold hill's credulous base. If you think the ACA is a good idea, and would like to keep it and even improve it, there is only one way to help make that happen:


"It bothers me that the president makes friends with Vladimir Putin, Kim Jung-un and other despots and turns his back on our traditional allies like France, Germany, Britain and even Canada."

Yes, he does. But there's a sure way to escort Vlad and Kim to the back row and move the others to center stage where they belong:


"And what about those treaties? He pulled out of the nuclear arms deal with Iran and abandoned the Paris climate accords:"

You want to curb Iran's nuclear ambitions while giving climate change the thoughtful and careful attention it deserves? Well, come off the sidelines and...


"I'm concerned about the economy but even more so about the millions of Americans who are unemployed and suffering with no relief in sight. What is being done to help them?"

You want to help your fellow citizens with a relief package that addresses their problems and not those of big businesses and the wealthy who don't really need the help? There's only one certain path to that kind of relief:


"Trump said he'd drain the swamp in DC but many of his aides and associates are either in jail or under indictment, while others have resigned or been fired. His cabinet choices have been disastrous, and it looks like he has turned the day-to-day business of governing over to members of his immediate family like Jared and Ivanka."

So you'd like to restore honor and dignity to public service and do away with nepotism and self-interest? The road to that goal is tried and true:


"The president still runs his business enterprises, even while in office, and profits from the presidency by promoting them, spending time at taxpayers' expense at his resorts and golf clubs, and overcharging diplomats and others who stay at his hotels because they think it's necessary to reach his ear. That doesn't seem right to me."

That's because it isn't. No other president in history has done that, and no president should. If you'd like to exchange greed and personal interest with altruism and dedication, it wouldn't hurt to try this:


"My problem is, the president won't answer a hard question, instead attacking the questioner, while his press secretary and others around him either dodge questions too or flat-out lie for him."

It seems you'd rather have transparency and truth in government instead of opacity and lies. That's a daunting task, but there's one sure way to help turn things around:


"Trump seems to always favor the red states, those that voted for him, over the blue, always attacking California, for example, and threatening to withhold emergency funds to help that state battle wildfires, while urging his followers to 'LIBERATE MICHIGAN' and other blue states that are only doing their best to fight the pandemic."

Yes, it's always better when the government looks after the interests of every citizen, not just the interests of those who are in the "right party" or on the "right side." Of course there is only one way to help make that happen:


"He says he's a 'law and order' president but when far-right extremists tried to kidnap, try and perhaps execute Gretchen Whitmer, the governor of Michigan (a blue state), he said nothing about those who plotted the crime but argued the governor should have 'opened the state' as they demanded, in effect blaming HER for triggering a plot that could have cost her her life. Where's the 'law and order' in that?"

So you want a fairer system of justice and laws that apply equally to everyone, not just those the government favors at a given moment? Then try doing this:


"And how about those conspiracy theories? The president seems to latch onto every vague and unproven inference about his imagined 'enemies' and retweet them as if they were true. He says he knows nothing about QAnon but retweets their bizarre and outlandish claims without the slightest proof that they are true. That doesn't seem presidential to me."

That's because it isn't. If you'd rather have a presidency of legislation and policy instead of tweets and innuendo, I believe you know what you must do:


"His immigration policy seems to be all over the map. Mexico isn't paying for the wall, which was one of his campaign promises. And separating children from their parents seems rather cruel. There must be a better way."

Yes, there is. But the only way you can make that policy more logical and humane is to...wait for it...


And in case you haven't gotten the message, it is to...


Election Day is Tuesday, November 3. Remember: if you don't VOTE! you can't complain.

October 31,2020

Well, we've made it to Halloween—BOO!—and are now at DR (Day of Reckoning) minus three. For the past six months or so, we've taken a rather light-hearted look in these columns at the gross ineptitude and sheer lunacy otherwise known as the Trump administration, but now that crunch time has arrived it's best to become more serious. If president foghorn leghorn should lose the election next Tuesday, it won't be for lack of squandering our tax dollars (not his, as he's not really into paying taxes) to help the charlatan-in-chief purloin four more years of undeserved residency at 1600 Black Lives Matter Plaza in DC.

For starters, in the early days of the coronavirus pandemic the government mailed postcards to about 138 million households listing various health and safety guidelines to help keep the virus at bay. The cards, which touted "President Trump's Coronavirus Guidelines for America" (none of which he or his bootlickers in the White House have bothered to follow) cost the cash-starved postal service $28 million, about zero of which has been repaid. The postcards were chosen in lieu of a second plan, one that would have sent three face masks to every mailbox in the country. Horrors! Can't have people thinking face masks are appropriate!

Nice gambit, but president well-wisher was just warming up. Legally, he can't sign a check that will draw funds from the US Treasury. But in April, treasury secretary Steve Mnuchin found a way around that, placing Trump's name in the "memo line" of stimulus checks sent to millions of Americans across the land, letting them know without a doubt that the checks were coming to them courtesy of president warbucks who had nothing but their best interests at heart.

And if that weren't enough to elicit their gratitude and thanks, the Department of Agriculture, bless its benevolent heart, sent more than 100 million food boxes to families in need. Altruism in action—accompanied, of course, by a note under the White House letterhead from president great-hearted himself reminding them that "safeguarding the health and well-being of our citizens [in red states, that is] is one of my highest priorities." [Brief pause while I wipe away a tear.]

Not wishing to be left in the lurch, the Department of Health and Human Services awarded a $250 million contract to a communications firm to "cheer people up" in the final days of the presidential campaign. Political propaganda? Nah, simply a way to "defeat despair and inspire hope," HHS said. Nothing whatsoever to do with the president's sagging poll numbers and his inability to devise any rational plan to confront the greatest threat to the country's health in the last hundred years. Farthest thing from their mind.

But wait! as the TV ads say, there's more! Senior citizens also vote; we can't simply block their access to the cookie jar. "I have it!" someone [no doubt related to president swindler) said: "Why not have the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid mail $200 drug-discount cards to their 39 million beneficiaries; it would only cost $8 billion, a bargain when one considers how many votes it could bring." It seemed to be a brilliant plan—that is, until a top health lawyer in the administration said it could be, well, rather on the illegal side. So far it's on hold, and the time for a positive reward-vs-risk ratio seems to have come and gone.

But not to worry, Trumpies. Your devious leader has many more illusions in his prolific bag of underhanded tricks. First, neuter the US postal service, and if that doesn't work, claim that voting by mail is prima facie evidence of widespread fraud. Employ the court system to make sure no ballots are counted save those that arrive on or before election day. Use your personal attorney general to obstruct and muddy the waters whenever and wherever possible. Demand that any state unable to count its ballots by the end of the day on November 3 must declare you the winner by default. Have Immigration and Customs Enforcement erect billboards in battleground states heralding the president's tough stance toward immigration with the message "WANTED BY ICE" accompanied by photos of undocumented men suspected or convicted of various offenses. Lean hard on the attorney general to go after Hunter Biden for his alleged "crimes," real or imagined [actually, only "imagined"]. Above all, make sure that as few Americans as possible are able to cast their votes. Remember: the larger the vote, the smaller your chances. As Tevye sang in Fiddler on the Roof, "Suppression!...suppression!..." (or words to that effect).

And if none of that works, simply flat-out lie—about Joe Biden, about the coronavirus pandemic, about anything else that comes into what is generously referred to as your mind. Say Biden will take away your holidays, your windows, your livelihoods, your bus tokens. Say the coronavirus pandemic is history, we're "rounding the corner," and a vaccine is all but ready for distribution—and the rising numbers of cases and deaths, even in red states? Democrat propaganda, a scare tactic devised to earn votes for Biden and Harris. "Believe me" [note: never believe anything Trump says that follows the phrase "believe me"], president pinocchio says, "after November 3 you'll hear nothing more about the virus. It will suddenly disappear. It's nothing more than a hoax, designed by the Dems to win the election." And if it doesn't disappear? Well, then, "It is what it is."

Some say a Trump victory would give him a "mandate," and with that I agree. The downside is, he'll consider it a "mandate" to watch TV 24/7 except on those afternoons he spends playing golf. Governing? Why bother? He hasn't done much of that so far, and millions of people don't seem to have noticed. If he devotes time to anything beyond self-indulgence, it will be his thinly disguised effort to become president-for-life. Vlad has effectively done that, as have Xi and Kim—so why not kaiser Trump? It has a nice ring to it.

The millions of gullible Americans president double-speak has bamboozled for the last four years must think he is doing something for them, something to make their lives better, something to assist them in their hour of need. My question is: what? He speaks about almost nothing but himself, how he has been wronged by his enemies and what a great president he has been in spite of his many trials and tribulations. Even though he seems to have no policies beyond those that benefit him and/or his family, his loyal base either doesn't see that or doesn't care, as long as he can "Make America Great Again," whatever the hell that means. Speaking only for myself, there's no way I'd ever buy a used car from that con artist, nor would I seek a degree from Trump University. And I wouldn't vote to elect him dog-catcher, let alone president of the United States.

And now that you know how I voted, I urge you to go to the nearest polling place and do the same, if you haven't already.

November 8, 2020

Mixed emotions.

After 145 million votes and four days of gratuitous suspense, that is what the 2020 presidential election has given rise to: mixed emotions. On the one hand, there is the unbridled euphoria of knowing that our fellow Americans have chosen to drop-kick the lamest excuse for a president to ever discolor the White House all the way back to Mar-a-Lago where he can watch Fox TV and play golf to his heart's content.

On the other, there is profound sadness at the thought that roughly seventy million of those voters, driven by mindless loyalty, partisanship or whatever, were apparently unable to spot a con man in a crowd of two even though he stood in front of them on an almost daily basis and tried his best to give the game away. In other words, they were using their ballots to endorse another four years of Trump's incompetence, chicanery, negligence, blatant lies and, yes, Trumpery, which Webster's accurately defines as "rubbish, trash, nonsense, gibberish, humbug, bunkum, garbage and balderdash," among other endearing terms. All of which, when measured against the Trump administration's unrivaled incompetence, is no more than the tip of the iceberg. When thinking of Trump (which I do as seldom as possible), I am reminded of a marvelous song in the film Royal Wedding. The lyric goes like this: "How could you believe me when I said I love you when you know I've been a liar all my life." Not only has president prevaricator been a liar all his life, he makes not even the slightest effort to hide it. He lies about his finances; he lies about his ties to Russia; he lies about under-the-table payments to porn stars and other women; he lies about his fictional health-care plan; he lies about a pandemic that has taken more than 230,000 American lives and about his inept response to it; he lies about his political opponents, and about his friends when he thinks it's to his advantage; he lies about his golf score; he lies about the paths of hurricanes; he even lies about the relative size of the crowd at his inauguration. So far, well north of 20,000 lies and counting in only four years. And now he is lying about democracy itself, claiming the system that has served this country well for more than two hundred years must be "rigged" because it was "unfair" to him. Translated into comprehensible English, that means ALL the votes were counted, not merely those with his name on them. Or, to put it in terms his supporters can understand, Trump is trying to run the bus of democracy off the road. Instead of accepting defeat, president big bad wolf has decided to "huff and puff" and blow the walls of our democratic system of government down so he can be awarded his rightful "victory" and begin his tenure as president for life.

It is in that spirit of forbearance that president Oz the Magnificent stubbornly refuses to face the truth, tweeting pathetically on Saturday that he "won" the election "by a lot." How is that possible, some may ask. And the (ex)-president has a ready answer. He won the election, in his mind, after the "legal" votes were counted, after which Joe Biden and his Democratic allies "stole" it from him by enlisting vote-counters in contested states in a vast and somehow very-silent conspiracy to "find" ballots for Biden—at last count, more than four million of them—which magically appeared at polling places to quash the country's last best hope for another four years of effective, impartial and honest governance.

Trump believes this. In all honesty (although that's a foreign concept to him), he really does. Even though the facts are clear and the results irreversible, Trump truly BELIEVES he won—he believes it because in his twisted, narcissistic mind there is no room for any other point of view. Many of the president's sycophants, including—to their everlasting shame—some in Congress have stepped forward to endorse the president's preposterous fantasy and give him cover. What none of them seems to understand is that president cry-baby isn't fighting for THEM or their principles; he doesn't give a shit about that. He's fighting for the one thing that matters to him: DONALD J TRUMP. He knows full well how history will judge him and his woeful administration if they are shown the door after one term. He simply can't accept that. He is, after all, Donald Trump, the king of dealmakers; surely the America people will allow him to make just one more. Pretty please?

We could end the dreary narrative here, but can't resist sneaking a quick look at what comes next. In a word, lawsuits. And more lawsuits. Frivolous at best, laughable in the extreme. But president man-the-ramparts will try. And try. And try. His hope is that one of those caricatures may wend its way to his hand-packed Supreme Court, but even if it should, the verdict would surely be 8-1 against him (Clarence Thomas would no doubt find a way to endorse Trump's argument).

As for civil war on his behalf, no way. Trump's far-right militia may be stupid but they aren't crazy. Even though heavily armed, they are surely aware that any organized aggression on their part would be futile if not fatal. The government, which unlike Trump actually believes in law and order, would not tolerate any organized aggression aimed at keeping him in office. Even though Trump dreams of the possibility, we haven't yet sunk to the level of Nazi Germany in the '30s. In spite of his best efforts to subvert it, the law continues to hold the upper hand.

Until next time...

November 10, 2020

Even though president don quixote refuses to concede the presidential election to Joe Biden and has his lawyers working overtime to try and topple those pesky windmills and erase a measly four-million-vote deficit, he has reluctantly completed the first draft of a letter of concession, a copy of which we have acquired from an unnamed source who has decided to blow his cover but remain married to him. Here is the text:Dear Sleepy Joe and What's-Her-Name,

Look, I have to hand it to you—no, I take that back! There's no way I'm gonna hand it to you! But Joe, trust me (that's my favorite "hook" line for the suckers; you should try it), we both know I won the election—by a lot. But after I won the legal votes—by a lot---your pals, and by that I mean those double-dealing Democratic thieves in Nevada, Arizona, Georgia and especially Pennsylvania, kept counting illegal ballots with your name on them until you had four million more votes than I had—which, I needn't remind you, was the most votes for a sitting president in the history of our country. I never thought I'd be saying this to anyone, but you cheated even better than I did.

As you know, Joe, we're going to court to have those four million illegal votes thrown out—I'm told that roughly three million were cast by people who died after voting, and another million or so were no doubt sneaked in by illegals who are upset about the wall (which now extends from the Pacific Ocean to Alabama—at least that's what my Sharpie says). In any case, we're sure the courts will agree that our case is iron-clad and indisputable. So it looks like I'll be staying here for another four years (as a start).

Even so, I understand there is the tiniest chance you might somehow squeeze past my air-tight arguments and steal the White House from its rightful owner—I mean, occupant—so I'm writing this 'concession' letter as a nod to tradition, not as something you or I believe is likely to happen. But—and I say this more in jest than as something that would ever seriously happen—if it should (the thought alone makes Sean, Rush, Laura and me chuckle), you should know there are a few things that Melania and I would be taking with us: sheets, bedspreads, linens, drapes, pillow cases, wallpaper, silverware, plates, cups, saucers, vases, works of art, the domestic staff, my desk and chair from the oval office—articles that are rightfully ours, as we have owned them for the last four years. We would of course be leaving behind a few other items that are of no further use to us: Ivanka, Jared, Eric, Don Jr, Kayleigh—but I'm sure you would know exactly what to do with them.

Well, Joe, and is it—I want to say, Camel?—best of luck with your 'presidency.' As I'm sure you must know, Melania and I are with you all the way. Even better, if things go well enough for you we'd probably be sharing the same address! Once things work out as I'm sure they will, the First Lady and I would look forward to welcoming you as our guests next January 21. Wouldn't that be great—not one single party in the White House but two!—one using masks and social distancing, the other for those whose abiding faith lets them look forward to dying and going straight to heaven.

"But don't think for a moment that a few measly votes in your favor (which will soon be tossed out anyway) could stop me from hawking those spiffy MAGA caps (and fireworks) from the White House lawn. In fact, here's an idea: why don't you and the Camel pay us a visit once you've come to terms with your inevitable defeat? You'll find me at the 'concession' stand.

Yours in mendacity and brigandage,

—The Donald

November 12, 2020

We have now arrived at Election Day plus nine, and there's still no sign that president ostrich feathers plans to pull his head out of the sand and face the fact that he lost the election—bigly—and will soon be an ex-president. With that in mind, I believe it is altogether suitable to repeat something I wrote in the first of these columns, which was posted last April 24. In keeping with the soon-to-be former president's bombastic rhetorical style, I shall replicate it this time in all caps:

If that seems prescient, it is only because I saw right through that contemptible con man from Day One, writing in that same column that Trump's master plan, using disinfectant or ultraviolet light to combat the deadly coronavirus pandemic, was straight out of bat-shit heaven.

Further to my observation that president cuckoo bird should be placed in restraints and escorted to the nearest padded cell, I would add the names Lindsey Graham, Mitch McConnell, Mike Pompeo, every member of the delusional Trump family, and those GOP "leaders" who have insisted that there is merit to his bizarre and unsupported fantasy about election "fraud." Give me a break! The man lost to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris by more than FIVE MILLION VOTES! Where was the "fraud" four years ago when Trump lost the popular vote by three million but squeezed into office owing to the vagaries of the Electoral College. Nowhere to be seen, apparently, even though Trump later claimed that the votes of three million illegals had kept him from winning the popular vote as well. In fact, he established a commission to investigate that "Trumped-up" charge, and it found, in round figures, zero evidence that any excess votes had been cast. If it had, rest assured the Fox News propaganda machine would have been in high gear for weeks on end. When thinking about president crybaby's refusal to accept reality and admit he was soundly (and fairly) beaten, I am reminded of an episode of Comedy Central's hilarious send-up, "The President Show," in which comedian Anthony Atamuik offers a brilliant impersonation of Trump in all his childish, self-indulgent, disoriented glory. In this particular episode, the "president" goes to a pre-school class for a photo op and begins playing with the children, riding on a go-cart, bouncing on a medicine ball and generally having a great time romping with his "peers." After a while, vice-president Mike Pence enters, gently tugs at the president's arm, and says, "It's time to leave, Mr president." "No!" Trump screams. "I don't wanna go!" "But sir..." "I don't want to leave! I'm not going!" Trump dives onto the floor, holding fast to a nearby chair. "We're having fun! I want to stay here! Please! Please!" "But Mr president," Pence says, "you have to meet with the president of Argentina..." "I don't care! I like it here! I want to stay!" Eventually, the vice president is forced to drag a tearful Baby Trump, still kicking and screaming, from the room as the children continue to play.

What we are seeing is a reenactment of that scene, in real time, but this is no comedy sketch. We have a sitting president who simply doesn't want to leave, and so he pretends he has won an election he lost soundly and carries on as if nothing has happened, hiring and firing, promoting and demoting, tweeting "WE WILL WIN!" and instructing government agencies to continue planning "his" budget for fiscal 2021. It seems comical until one realizes that many of president schemer's ill-advised supporters are buying into the scam, even though not the slightest shred of evidence has been produced to support his outlandish accusations.

Why? The bottom line, from Trump's perspective, is this: once a con man, always a con man. The con man never loses, and he can talk his way out of any predicament, no matter how perilous it may seem to others. Trump truly believes this. He believes it because it has always been that way; his lying and cheating are, as Prof Henry Higgins sang in My Fair Lady, "second nature to him now, like breathing out and breathing in..." He sees no reason to change his m.o., as it has catapulted him all the way to the White House. And, as Alfred P. Doolittle sang, also in MFL, "with a little bit of luck" he'll be able to stay right where he is for another four years.

Although the rest of the world sees that as highly unlikely, president bogus, ever the cock-eyed optimist, is confident (yes, he is nothing if not confident) that his "victory" will emerge fully grown from another state, one in which he has lived quite comfortably for most of his life, and that is the state of denial. He truly believes that some way, somehow, his zealous "fans," aided perhaps by the toadies he has installed in office, will rise up in his defense, slay the unwelcome dragons, Biden and Harris, and prevent his hearing the two dreaded words that would bring his fragile self-created fairy-tale world crashing down around him once and for all: "YOU'RE FIRED!"

November 14, 2020

Word has it that PBS is preparing a sequel to its popular program "Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego." This one will be titled "Where in the World Is Donald J Trump." Folks are understandably starting to wonder, as president photo-op has been seen only twice since the election on November 3: at a Veterans Day memorial event, wherein he kept his usually unshackled mouth tightly shut, and (appropriately enough) on Friday the 13th, when he emerged from the White House to crow about Operation Warp Speed (nothing to rival it in human history) and his many other "accomplishments" (nothing to rival them in human history).

Besides tweeting and watching Fox News, what could president furtive be doing with all that spare time? We know he hasn't been running the country but we've gotten used to that. He must be up to something, but what? Delving deeper into the mystery, we have learned from sources close to president lamont cranston (look it up) that he has spent a good part of that time digging a tunnel underneath the White House bunker. When finished, the passageway should extend all the way to the south lawn. We've been told further that Trump plans to spend the winter holed up in that refuge before making an appearance next February 2. If he sees his shadow, that means we are doomed to endure six more years (not weeks) of Trumpism. Let us all join hands and pray that it rains that day.

In other news...

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