The Trump Files

Gene L. Ford By

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Joe Scarborough had a congressional aide who died suddenly in his office nineteen years ago. Even though the death was ruled accidental and Scarborough's involvement (he was 800 miles away at the time) was never a question, he was male, she was female, ergo they must have been having an affair, one that Scarborough needed to end. Hence he must have somehow been "involved" in the fatal accident, an involvement that should be "investigated."

Do you notice a pattern here? The story has "a grain of truth." Apart from that, there is no evidence of any wrongdoing, merely rumors and theories, which lead inexorably to the only possible conclusion:

We didn't elect a president in 2016, we elected THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER!

May 29, 2020

On Wednesday, the number of U.S. deaths from the coronavirus pandemic reached six figures, as in 100,000 dead. Predictably, president pie-in-the-sky celebrated the occasion by letting us know that countries around the world "envy" the way he and his Stooges—that would be Curly, Larry and Moe (look it up, youngsters)— have risen to the challenge and made sure that things didn't get really bad. That would undoubtedly include such wannabe countries as Australia (103 deaths so far), South Korea (269), Finland (313), Iceland (10), Cuba (82), Hong Kong (4), Luxembourg (110), Greece (173), Ireland (1,631), Malaysia (115), Iraq (175), Egypt (816), Taiwan (7), Canada (6,705), Syria (4), Israel (281) and even China (4,634). Yes, they certainly must be looking enviously at the U.S. death toll and asking themselves, "Why couldn't we have done that?"

The answer is, we tried harder. From the outset, president "nothing to see here" was acting (and we use the word advisedly), in his words, as the country's "cheerleader," patting our troubled heads and telling us things would soon be better and the bad old virus would go away with one wave of his magic wand. On Jan 22: "It's one person coming from China and we have it under control. It's going to be just fine." He offered his confused and worried constituents everything but an ice cream cone. On Feb 2: "We pretty much shut it down coming in from China." Well, that's a relief. Time to sound the all-clear and return to business as usual. But there's more:

On Feb 10: "Looks like by April, in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away. . . . But we're doing great in our country. I spoke with [Chinese] president Xi, and they're working very, very hard. And I think it's all going to work out fine." On Feb 11: "In our country we have, basically, 12 cases and most of those people are recovering and in some cases fully recovered. So it's actually less." On Feb 24: "The coronavirus is very much under control in the USA. . . . Stock market starting to look very good to me!" [Editor's note: the stock market lost more than 900 points the following day.] Feb 26: 'When you have 15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down close to zero, that's a pretty good job we've done." And how has it been going since then, Mr. president?

In other news...

President six-shooter once bragged to a throng of cheering sycophants that he was so powerful and his base so loyal he could shoot someone dead in Times Square in broad daylight and get away with it.

As it turns out, there's another way to commit murder in broad daylight, within the clear view of hundreds of onlookers, and get away with it. Simply wear a police uniform. Of course, it helps if you live and / or work in Minneapolis (or New York City). And if you are white and the victim is black. According to unequivocal videos shot at the scene this week, a white police officer pressed his knee against the neck of a prone and unresisting black man for anywhere from five to nine minutes (the time description varies) until the man, 46-year-old George Floyd, after pleading for his life, choked to death and died. A brand new twist on an age-old custom called lynching, as there was no rope involved and the man was lying on his side instead of hanging from a tree. Nonetheless, a lynching it was, and in plain sight for everyone on the street to see and some to film.

The officer's three colleagues, two of whom seem to be seen leaning on Floyd's lower back and legs at one point, did nothing to stop or even object to what was going on. Apparently, Minneapolis could use a little help and revision with its police training manual. "We're not saying killing random suspects who happen to be black isn't okay," the revised manual should read, "but please—and we can't emphasize this too strongly—please try to keep it out of sight so no one gets upset." As of Thursday evening, a number of people in Minneapolis seemed to be more than a little upset, not only by the come-and-watch-it-everyone snuff film on a downtown street but by the abject failure of anyone in authority to look at the gruesome tape and say "you know, something doesn't seem quite right here." Justice for George Floyd? Based on past experience, it is likely to be as swift and sure as the "justice" meted out to the uniformed officer who choked Eric Garner to death in the Big Apple. As everyone knows, he is spending the rest of his life behind bars in Sing Sing prison. What's that you say? He isn't in prison? Why in the world isn't he? Oh, he was wearing a uniform! Well, I guess that explains it... sort of...

May 30, 2020

In all the reporting about the horrendous death of an unarmed black man, George Floyd, at the hands (well, actually at the knee) of former (doesn't that have a lovely ring to it?) Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin and the riots that have followed, one item really caught my eye: He is the first white officer in Minnesota to be criminally prosecuted in the death of a black civilian. Not this month; not this year; not since Minnesota became a state. No, he's the first white officer ever prosecuted there. And still we wonder why people are rioting in the streets of Minneapolis and cities across the country.

After a slight delay and several commercial breaks, Chauvin was arrested this week and charged with third-degree murder and second-degree manslaughter, with "charged" the operative word. As history has taught us, many police officers have been charged with crimes or misdemeanors in the conduct of their duties; precious few have actually been convicted. In other words, there's many a schism twixt the charge and the prison. Lawyers rule the land in court, and there are those who can make a knee to the neck seem as innocent and harmless as a parking ticket. That is what they do.

So if prosecutors need reasons why Chauvin should be held accountable for his crime, I can give them 526. That's the number of seconds we're told that Chauvin's knee was pressed against the windpipe of a helpless George Floyd as Floyd fought for his final breaths before slipping into unconsciousness and death. There's a word for what Chauvin did to Floyd, and that word is sadism, "the tendency to derive pleasure . . . from inflicting pain, suffering or humiliation on others." To Chauvin, Floyd's was one black life that didn't matter. Nothing less than sadism could have caused him to leave his knee in that position for more than eight minutes. And what are we to make of his trio of fellow officers, none of whom voiced any disapproval of Chauvin's depravity and instead seemed to delight in it. They too should be arrested and charged, as no less than accomplices to murder. Until policemen are held to account for their actions, we are inevitably doomed not only to repeat history but to help make what comes next even worse than before.

In other news:

President Donald "That's great! No one is talking about COVID-19 or the economy!" Trump plans to be in Florida today, laying claim to a front row seat for the second non-launch of the SpaceX module in three days. It's only fitting that he should be there, as Trump proves on a daily basis that, for him, being president of the United States is rocket science. If there is a launch today and it is successful, the president will waste no time letting everyone know it was really his idea; should something go wrong, he'll waste no time saying "Elon who?"

June 1, 2020

Sunday evening, as protestors in cities across the country continued to honor the life and memory of George Floyd by praying, chanting, marching, holding signs, looting, pillaging, throwing rocks and setting fires, things got a little too close for comfort in DC, as hordes of complainants overran historic Lafayette Park, a mere stone's throw from the White House. It was later reported that the crowds were so large and boisterous that president lion-hearted had to be escorted at one point to a secluded bunker beneath the White House. As a secret service agent later explained, "We had no choice. The president was just completing a tweet in which he explained how he would deal with the thugs himself, bone spurs or no bone spurs, leaving the White House on his own, if necessary, to challenge the unruly crowds face-to-face, even unarmed, as he would a school shooter, when a firecracker exploded outside the Oval Office and he had— how shall I say this? he—he had an accident. We rushed him downstairs as quickly as we could, found a clean pair of trousers and got him changed, after which he rushed up the stairs shouting 'Ch-a-a-a-a-rge!' I'd swear he looked like an orange-colored Teddy Roosevelt! But he must have tripped on a rug or something, as we found him under his desk working furiously on another tweet." The president's courage, the agent continued, a look of awe on his face, "is incredible."

The nationwide demonstrations, president hearsay tweeted, were carefully planned and organized by Antifa, a shadowy "far-left" underground cabal apparently capable of sending marching orders to its millions of nefarious adherents at a moment's notice. And he was not alone in that belief, as it was echoed by no less than attorney-general scooby-doo, whose instincts and conclusions have always been (pardon the pun) unimpeachable (as were the president's until he was undone by a cumbersome device known as a telephone). Pressed for evidence, the president and his magisterial shadow shouted in unison: "Evidence? We don't need no stinkin' evidence!" The president, in fact, further expressed his outrage at a hastily convened rose garden press conference. "So my word isn't good enough for you?" he asked reporters. "Since when?" He then quickly retreated to his office before anyone could answer.

June 3, 2020

Of course! NOW I get it! Those coast-to-coast marches and demonstrations protesting the cruel and senseless death of George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis police—in spite of his blusters and calls to arms, president take-no-prisoners doesn't really want them to end! In fact, he secretly wishes the demonstrators would keep marching at least until November.


Let me put it this way: how long has it been since you've heard anyone discuss at length the coronavirus pandemic, or the fact that more than 107,000 Americans have lost their lives on president kevorkian's watch? Or noted that the economy is in its worst shape since the Great Depression of '29? (1929, that is). Truth is, the news media have time and space for only one pivotal story at a time, and right now the protests are that story. As long as that's the case, president pick-a-card can hide his far more serious problems behind a smokescreen of anger and outrage. Listen closely; Trump isn't trying to stop the protests, he's egging them on! "Please," is president pious's fervent prayer (or would be if he ever prayed to anyone besides the gods of Wall Street), "let them keep marching! My deranged yet fiery rhetoric has energized my base, and, aside from voter suppression, it could be my only hope for re-election!"

The scary part is, Trump continues to control the narrative. As a born con man, has a gift for reading the media and subtly guiding it along the path he wishes it to follow. And like Charlie Brown and the irresistible football, the media falls for it every time, never guessing under which shell president houdini has hidden the peanut. "They want a new headline on the coronavirus? I'll give 'em Clorox! On the protests? I'll give 'em the Insurrection Act! On voting? I'll give 'em a mail-in ballot conspiracy! That should keep 'em busy enough while I go about my true business, dismantling the pillars of democracy."

Trouble is, it's working.

June 5, 2020

What is going on here? After a week of mostly peaceful protests near the White House in the wake of George Floyd's undeserved death at the hands of Minneapolis police, president hunkered-down has ordered the deployment of heavily armed federal law enforcement officers to help suppress the "insurrection." To add an historic touch, he did it on the thirty-first anniversary of the uprising in China's Tiananmen Square. Problem is, many of these "officers" carry no identification and won't say what agency they represent or who ordered them to police the crowds. Even the D.C. mayor is baffled, saying only that they aren't a part of the city's police department. If this were to happen overseas the uproar and cries of reproach would be deafening, especially from the staunch and fearless members of our congress. But because president got-'em-in-my-pocket issued the orders, the response has been— crickets. The only thing lacking (so far) has been a reed-like stance and one-armed salute aimed toward the enforcer-in-chief. Implausible as that may seem to some idealists, it may not be that far over the horizon. Please remember to vote on November 3!

In other news...

On the bright side, president parochial finally got his "wall." Well, it's actually more like a fence, and not on the U.S.-Mexican border. But he'll take what he can get. The nine-foot tall barrier (reinforced by concrete stanchions) separates Lafayette Park (home of the fierce and warlike "protesters") from the White House (wherein reside the virtuous, gentle and law-abiding "peacemakers"). That should help us rest easier, while at the same time making George Orwell proud.

June 6, 2020

After ten days in which everything that could possibly go wrong under his watch went wrong, president peerless made the only sensible move a self-proclaimed generalissimo could on the anniversary of D-Day: he declared victory! Speaking on Friday from the rose garden at Fort White House, the ostrich-in-chief said the economy is in high gear, coronavirus is in the rear-view mirror, and the administration's response to nationwide protests following the wrongful death of George Floyd at the hands (and knees) of Minneapolis police was letter-perfect. In short, he said, "we made every decision correctly." Thank goodness for that; the country would surely be in a frightful mess if he'd made any wrong ones!

All things considered, Trump boasted, this was "a great day." George Floyd? According to president doublespeak, this was "a great day" for him too—especially as he need no longer be concerned about such little annoyances as breathing. Coronavirus? With the U.S. death count above 111,000 and rising, and the number of new cases escalating across the country, president pill pusher said that when it comes to battling the pandemic, his administration had done everything exactly right. The economy? With unemployment hovering around 16 percent, more than 40 million Americans out of work and many visiting food pantries, president proof positive said it is taking off "like a rocket ship."

If you're wondering how president spellbinder can make such claims, given the contradictory facts that are staring him and everyone else in the face, don't think reason, think instead of Alice in Wonderland, as the president's sleight of hand has been taken right from the AIW playbook. As the Cheshire Cat put it: "I'm not crazy; my reality is just different than yours." And as the Mad Hatter echoed: "I'm not under any obligation to make sense to you." That is precisely how president svengoolie sees it. He is under no obligation to make sense, let alone tell the truth. If any word comes from his mouth, he reasons, it is without question the truth. So you reporters in the audience, don't bother asking any questions; he's already answered them. Or in the words of Alice, "If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense."

In other news...

D.C. mayor Muriel Bowser (or, as Trump tweets, worst mayor in the history of civilization) settled the question of who is in charge of the city's streets by directing a team of her employees to use an enormous amount of yellow paint to print the words "BLACK LIVES MATTER" on the two blocks of 16th St NW leading directly to the White House, in letters so large they can be seen from outer space. She then added insult to that injury by renaming those blocks "Black Lives Matter Plaza." President petulant took the moves with his usual good grace, calling mayor Bowser "incompetent," among other things. In this debate, however, he is doomed to finish second. The city is mayor Bowser's; he only lives there and will soon (fingers crossed) be moving to his "new" home in Florida where he can golf every day instead of only every week.

June 8, 2020

Apparently, a bomb-proof bunker wasn't quite enough. Last weekend, fearing for his safety as unruly hordes of insurgents, many of whom were dark-skinned, drew near his residence, president braveheart ordered that the White House be encircled by a nine-foot-tall fence. Feeling more secure, he later ventured out of Fort White House and hurried toward the barrier to confront the "enemy" face-to-face. Offering his best Cowardly Lion impression, his orangeness approached the peaceful crowd and roared, "Okay! Put 'em up! Put 'em up!" But when someone answered "Boo!" the featherweight-in-chief quickly retreated behind some nearby Secret Service personnel and sobbed, "You didn't have to do that!" Then, remembering who he was and how that might look, he strode forward again and, striking a belligerent pose, snarled, "If it wasn't for that #[email protected]+&% fence...!"

In other news...

German chancellor Angela Merkel, citing concerns over the coronavirus pandemic, declined to join president photo-op for a G7 meeting later this month at Camp David. "That's all right, I completely understand your position," president double-dealing said in a phone call to the chancellor. "Oh, and by the way—surprise! I'm withdrawing 9,500 of the 34,000 U.S. troops stationed in Germany. Has absolutely nothing to do with your decision not to come here. Purely coincidental." German officials and other members of the European Union were a trifle upset, as they are used to being informed of such extraordinary actions in advance. "But you know," said one high official, smiling and shaking his head, "that's Trump for you. Always there to brighten your day with such a totally unexpected move. You know, if he weren't president of the most powerful country in the world, I'd swear he was kidding. But we've dealt with him long enough to know that's not possible, as he has no sense of humor. However, you have to hand it to Trump; he always stands tall for what he believes in. He never takes a knee."

Meanwhile, in Moscow, close aides to president Vladimir Putin were surprised to see their leader spontaneously performing a lively Irish jig in his normally staid office. "That is so unlike Vladimir," a deputy reported. "The last time he did that was when president Trump told the American people Vlad couldn't have interfered in the U.S. elections, as he had given Trump his word!"

June 10, 2020

Today, students, we are asking: what do Donald Trump, William Barr, Kellyanne Conway and White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany have in common? Please, please... hands down! Don't all shout at once! You there, in the second row... oh, you're a woman. Sorry, as the question concerns president machismo, we can't call on you. Yes, the gentleman in the back row... no, no, sir, I mean besides the obvious. We already know that. The answer to what they have in common, aside from what the gentleman mentioned, which we can't and won't repeat, is that they all vote by mail! In fact, McEnany has voted ten times from FL (using her parents' address) while living in DC and holding a NJ driver's license. Hey, no problem! Voting by mail has proven to be easy, safe and hassle-free since it was begun with Union soldiers during the Civil War. In fact, five of our fifty states already vote entirely by mail. Number of issues there? In a word, zero.

So why do you suppose Trump, Barr, Conway and McPuppet are using their incendiary platforms on an almost daily basis to trash mail-in voting, claiming (sans evidence, of course) that the system is rife with error, duplicity and fraud. Hmmmm... Well, mail-in balloting usually means more people vote (as happened in the recent record-setting Iowa primary), and (according to infallible Trumpian logic), more people voting means more chances to "rig" an election (or in Trumpspeak, to vote president one-term-too-many out of office). Mail-in voting is therefore by its very nature sinister and repulsive. "We'll have kids raiding mailboxes," Trump says, stealing ballots and handing them to strangers to fill out and send. We can't have that! Any such election would clearly be "rigged," president Solomon prophesies, as there is no doubt that everyone who was handed an unlawful ballot in November would vote for Joe Biden. Case closed.

This is what is known as "preparing the table." It goes something like this:

First, the appetizer—voting by mail is abhorrent, more lethal than COVID-19 to the American way of life, and must not be allowed to spread.

Next, the entree—In spite of the dire warnings from Trump's hallelujah chorus, mail-in voting continues its malicious growth as more states continue to move that way so that voters don't have to risk contracting and perhaps dying from coronavirus by showing up at the polls. Clearly, something must be done about that or elections will lose their "integrity." We have told you repeatedly about the massive "fraud" involved in absentee voting; when will you wake up, America?

And finally, the dessert—Well, you can't say we didn't warn you; more states than ever allowed mail-in voting in November, more people than ever actually voted, and Donald Trump, who undoubtedly deserved a second term in office, was roundly defeated and sent packing by Joe Biden, a candidate who had absolutely nothing to offer, especially when compared to "the greatest president in American history" (if you don't believe that, just ask him). Therefore, the election must have been "rigged" in Biden's favor, essentially by "fraudulent" mail-in votes (including those of more than three million "illegal" immigrants). That being the case, president ambulance chaser does not recognize the election as valid and intends to contest the results in court, in every state in the union if necessary, until this travesty is reversed and his rightful re-election assured.

What's that you say? He'd never get away with it? Well, such a lawsuit would work its way through the courts until, eventually, it would almost certainly be heard by the highest court in the land, where the president has worked hard to ensure that any vote by SCOTUS would be 5-4, Trump. Far-fetched? More than likely. Impossible? Not at all.

In other news...

When it comes to in-person voting, some states just can't seem to get it right. (Could that be because they really don't want to?) Georgia held a primary this week, using new "state of the art" voting machines. So how did that go? According to one state official in Fulton County, "everything that could happen or go wrong has gone wrong so far." That things went especially wrong in districts where minority voters hold sway was simply coincidental, nothing more. But we should cut Georgia some slack; after all, the state had only two years to prepare for this primary, following an election in 2018 in which more than half a million voters were "purged" from the rolls so that then-secretary of state Brian Kemp (who oversaw the election, a clear conflict of interest that was simply shrugged off) could narrowly defeat challenger Stacey Abrams and "win" the governorship. Kemp's successor, Brad Raffensperger, now pulls those strings, and it seems that little has changed in two years. The script is easy to read: Democrats want to vote; Republicans don't want them to. In November, the curtain rises on Act II.

June 13, 2020

President wyatt earp was in Tombstone—pardon, Dallas—on Thursday for a high-level conference on race and policing. Absent from that meeting were the Dallas County district attorney, the Dallas County sheriff and the Dallas chief of police. Wrong creds? No. Wrong color. Did they turn down their invitations? Again, no. They simply weren't invited. The president, as it turns out, knows more than enough about race relations without hearing from the likes of them. So those of you who are looking to change the system, relax; president peacemaker has it covered. Also absent from Thursday's meeting was any mention of the late George Floyd, whose, shall we say, unfortunate encounter with four Minneapolis police officers, and the nationwide protests that followed, were the main reasons the Dallas meeting was being held in the first place. President kamikaze did, however, consider "invading" the city of Seattle, where protests were ongoing, and "dominating" its streets with federal troops, to which Seattle's mayor, Jenny Durkan, responded, "If you want to help Seattle, go back to your bunker." Nice one, mayor.

In other news...

President rally 'round the stars and bars has decided to start holding campaign rallies again, starting June 19 (a.k.a. Juneteenth) in Tulsa, Oklahoma, the site in 1921 of the nation's most infamous unprovoked massacre of black citizens. COVID-19? Not a problem! Not a problem for the president, that is; those who register to attend the event must acknowledge that "an inherent risk of exposure to COVID-19 exists in any public place where people are present" (no, this does not exclude trump's fire-breathing bootlickers). "By attending the rally," they are informed, "you and any guests voluntarily assume all risks related to exposure to COVID-19 and agree not to hold Donald J Trump for President Inc; BOK Center; ASM Global, or any of their affiliates, directors, officers, employees, agents, contractors, or volunteers liable for any illness or injury." In short, should coronavirus come calling you're on your own, and it's not only the curve that will be flattened.

And while we're on the topic, whatever happened to COVID-19? President sawbones did speak about it, briefly, in Dallas, assailing "the plague coming in from China," or "whatever you want to call it." Most health experts want to call it a deadly pandemic that has taken more than 115,000 American lives, but he'd rather not dwell on that. Far better to remain in a friendlier state— no, not Texas— we're talking denial, a state in which president song and dance has lived since he realized the public was no longer buying the snake oil he was peddling (and urging them to ingest). Pandemic, schmandemic, he says; simply wave a wand and it disappears, never to return, in a wondrous city far, far away. But how, his enchanted followers ask, can we reach that fabulous place? No problem, president goodwitch replies. Just follow the yellow brick road...

While the president was flexing his muscles in Dallas, the Republican National Committee unveiled its platform for the 2020 campaign, which condemns, in language that is bold-faced and underlined, the "current chief executive" and "current administration." Wait a minute! Isn't that what the GOP's 2016 platform said, when the "current chief executive" was Barack Hussein Obama? Yes, it is. Apparently, those who approved the platform looked it over and decided that no changes were needed. And so it censures "the current president" for a number of sins including (but not limited to) causing "a huge increase in the national debt," damaging our overseas relationships, and "imposing a social and cultural revolution." We'd like to say that the GOP platform committee studied the Trump administration's record and decided to stand pat, but the actual reason for the inability to make any changes should be laid at the feet of president turncoat himself who earlier this month moved the GOP convention from Charlotte, NC, to Jacksonville, FL. Under RNC rules, the convention under those circumstances has to adjourn with the 2016 platform serving as the official party platform until 2024. It was a decision driven not by ideology but by logistics. It's all a part of the president's new campaign slogan, "Transition to Rigor Mortis."

And finally...

Well, that didn't take long. Mere days after D.C. mayor Muriel Bowser ordered the words "BLACK LIVES MATTER" inscribed in yellow paint along the two city blocks of 16th St NW leading to the White House and renamed those blocks "Black Lives Matter Plaza" (now the official address of president paleface's temporary residence), the conservative watchdog group Judicial Watch says it wants a piece of the action, asking permission from Bowser and DC attorney general Karl Racine to paint "Because No One Is Above the Law!" on a Capitol Hill street. Judicial Watch emphasized that it was asking politely. No need to get upset; if you don't say yes, we'll simply sue you. Well, mayor Bowser should have seen it coming before letting that cat out of the bag. It shouldn't be long before streets in the nation's capital are festooned with other messages, such as "Nike—Just Do It!" and "Drink Budweiser, America's Favorite Brew." Or, "Had an accident on this street? For help, phone 1-800-LAWCARE!" It's the American way...

June 14, 2020

While watching president bone spurs address the West Point graduating class Saturday afternoon (barf bag at hand), I was reminded of a line from the Gilbert & Sullivan play, H.M.S. Pinafore: "Stay close to your desk and never go to sea, and you may be the ruler of the Queen's navy." In spite of a rather dubious record of service to his country, Trump the Lionhearted looked every inch like he belonged there among those authentic soldiers-to-be, uncloaking a guise of power and authority. The reason for that is simple: as he is unable to grasp empathy, president everyone-look-at-me is also incapable of self-doubt. In his mind, he was general Patton saluting his troops for a job well done. After praising the durability of America's institutions "against the passions and prejudices of the moment," the president added (not really, but should have) that "as I speak to you today, my administration has been busy overturning Obama-era policies that banned health-care providers from discriminating against LGBQ and transgender patients and women seeking abortions under a clause in the loathsome Affordable Care Act," and, as icing on the cake, "we did this during a pandemic—and on the fourth anniversary of the mass shooting at a gay bar in Orlando, FL, in which forty-nine people were killed and fifty-three others wounded. How's that for impeccable timing? And you thought Juneteenth was the best we could do!" The president then waited for the anticipated deafening burst of applause. He's still waiting . . .

In other news...

President (archie) bunker's "wall" around the White House has been almost completely covered by signs, posters and other messages placed there by protesters, none of which is likely to elicit his approval. His sole consolation lies in the fact that most of them face away from his residence and toward his new address, 1600 Black Lives Matter Plaza. I know what you're thinking; "that's not really news." I know it isn't—I just love the sound of it!

June 17, 2020

After wrestling with the problem for almost six months, president gray matter has at last found a sure-fire way to end the coronavirus pandemic, and it's so obvious it's a wonder he hadn't thought of it before. The surest way to stamp out COVID-19—are you ready for this?—is simply to stop testing for it! With the number of cases rising at an accelerating and alarming rate across the country, especially in states that have "reopened," president sherlock says there's a logical reason for that: "The number of cases," he explained last week to a gathering of lobotomy survivors in the White House briefing room, is rising "because we are doing so much more testing. If we did no testing," he reasoned, "there would be almost no new cases." Brilliant! Why didn't the country's medical experts think of that? No testing, almost no new cases! Bravo! That's even better than a magic wand or a drink of Clorox! An executive order banning testing should soon be on its way to state governors, as people from coast to coast breathe a collective sigh of relief. Once again, the Trumpster has shown that even 2.1 million confirmed cases of COVID-19 and more than 117,000 fatalities are no match for his crafty and elusive mind.

In other news...

Two black men were found last week hanging from trees in southern California. Police say they suspect no foul play in either case. Here is my personal rule of thumb: One black man hanging from a tree—looks suspicious but could be plausible. Two black men hanging from trees—rather unsettling but may be a coincidence so let's try to keep an open mind until the facts are known. Three black men hanging from trees—start looking for groups of white men wearing hoods and carrying torches!

The Supreme Court this week delivered a powerful kick to president lawsuit's groin by voting 6-3 to protect the rights of gay and transgender citizens from discrimination and bias in the workplace. To add insult to that injury, the court's majority opinion was written by Justice Neil Gorsuch, the president's first appointee to a court that was supposed to follow his marching orders and bow to his every whim. Even though things didn't go his way, president merciful greeted the decision with his usual grace and dignity. "Fire the bastard! Fire that Gorsuch! Bring me his head! I can't believe he actually voted to HELP PEOPLE!" president low-key shouted. "But sir," he was told, "you can't fire a Supreme Court Justice. They are appointed for life. It's the law..." "The LAW!" president above-it responded. "Since when have we let the LAW stop us? Yes, I know he's on the Court but THAT'S NOT WHAT I APPOINTED HIM FOR! Didn't he get the memo? You had to go and die on me, didn't you, Scalia? Well, let's put our heads together; there must be SOME way we can overturn that appointment. How about we propose three-year term limits for Justices and see if that flies?"

And finally...

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All About Jazz & Jazz Near You were built to promote jazz music: both recorded albums and live events. We rely primarily on venues, festivals and musicians to promote their events through our platform. With club closures, limited reopenings and an uncertain future, we've pivoted our platform to collect, promote and broadcast livestream concerts to support our jazz musician friends. This is a significant but neccesary step that will help musicians and venues now, and in the future. You can help offset the cost of this essential undertaking by making a donation today. In return, we'll deliver an ad-free experience (which includes hiding the sticky footer ad). Thank you!

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