The Trump Files

"No, not repeal it. I want to REPLACE it with a plan that is not only much BETTER but much CHEAPER!"

"That sounds terrific, sir. At least forty million Americans now enrolled in the ACA will be more than happy and grateful. So can you tell us a bit more about the plan, a few of the specifics?"

"Not quite yet; we're still working on the details, several of the finer points..."

"But isn't this the same plan you said would replace Obamacare after you were inaugurated in 2017?"

"No, not really. In fact, there are some very big differences. For one thing, this plan is much better than that other one...and did I mention cheaper...?"

"Wow! I can hardly wait to see it! When might that happen?"

"Pretty soon...I'd say two or three weeks at most..."

"Isn't that what you said about finding Obama's birth certificate?"

"Yes, and we'd have done that, except the crooked FBI and hapless Justice Department kept getting in the way and throwing up roadblocks..."

"Do you mean the crooked FBI let by Andrew McCabe and the hapless DOJ led by William Barr?"

"Exactly! How was I to know that one was a weakling and the other a RINO?"

"Well, you did appoint them, sir..."

"Another mistake I won't make again. I have a few names in mind—Nick Fuentes, Kanye West, Steve Bannon, Jeffrey Clark, Kash Patel—trust me, what's left of the Deep State will be in very good hands once I'm re-elected..."

"I'm sure of that, sir. And as you said in a recent speech, you'll be 'rooting out' the communists, Marxists, fascists and radical left thugs who 'live like vermin' in our country..."

"Yes, starting on Day 1..."

"That seems to be a reasonable approach, sir. But that word 'vermin...'it seems to somehow ring a bell. Haven't I heard that somewhere else...?"

"No. I just made that one up. Spur of the moment. Top of my head. No one had ever heard of 'vermin' before I made the word so popular. Now almost everyone I meet refers to Crooked Joe and his gang as 'vermin.' I may have to look it up to see what it means..."

"So what has president Biden done that is so crooked?"

"Look, everyone knows what he has done. There's no point in me repeating it. He's the most crooked and incompetent president in our nation's history. Period. And if you don't know why, you haven't been paying attention..."

"Well, sir, I was paying attention when he approved the $1.9 trillion American Rescue Plan, passed the $1.2 trillion bipartisan infrastructure package, signed the CHIPS and Sciences Act, reduced inflation and unemployment, passed anti-gun legislation, tackled student-loan debt..."

"Exactly! And it's all a part of Crooked Joe's master plan!"

"How so?"

"Don't you see? He does those things to deflect attention from his crimes!"

"And what would those crimes be, sir?"

"I told you before, everyone knows what they are. Everyone! They're as clear as the orange on my face. As I keep telling James Comer, Crooked Joe should be impeached!"

"I believe he's working on that, sir. Meanwhile, you yourself have been indicted and face trial in four jurisdictions on ninety-one felony counts..."

"Witch hunts! Pure and simple. Charges made up by Crooked Joe Biden to interfere with the 2024 election because he knows I'd beat him by a landslide in '24, just as I did in 2020..."

"That seems to be a matter of opinion, sir, depending on who has drunk the Kool-Aid and who hasn't...and as you were indicted twice by special prosecutor Jack Smith and once by Georgia district attorney Fani Willis, how can you say with confidence that president Biden was behind those indictments...?"

"Because everyone knows it! Just ask anyone at my rallies, and they'll tell you the same thing: Joe Biden is behind these ridiculous witch hunts because he's afraid of facing me in '24 and losing again..."

"But isn't that what you've been telling them?"

"Of course! Because it's the truth. My patriots are smart enough to know the truth when they hear it..."

"And smart enough to know you would never lie to them..."

"You got it! That's why I'm a cinch to whip Crooked Joe's ass in November '24!"

"You're probably right, sir. But before that happens, there are some issues to address. For example, immigration. You said recently that immigrants who cross our southern border are 'poisoning the blood' of Americans. What did you mean by that?"

"Well, obviously I didn't mean that literally. They're not carrying vials of poison. What I meant was, the blood of Americans runs red, white and blue, and any blood that doesn't is like a poison..."

"So besides red-blooded Americans and blue-blooded Americans, it's just as important to safeguard white-blooded Americans..."

"That's right. White blood cells run through our veins too; so what I'm saying is, white blood matters..."

"And immigrants threaten that in what way?"

"Well, Mexican blood...Colombian blood...it's just not the same as ours. It's more like...brown. And we can't take a chance on mixing that blood with the white..."

"Because...?"

"Well, because it's not white...I mean, not right...We need to preserve and protect the whiteness of our blood..."

"You mean like we preserve and protect the Constitution..."

"Exactly! We've gotta protect our democracy from poisoned blood and Crooked Joe...!"

"So what is your policy when it comes to immigrants at our southern border?"

"In a word: kindness. Not only will we welcome those illegals—some of whom, I suppose, are good people—with open arms, we'll even send them to camp!"

"I'm sure they'll appreciate that, sir. I still remember the good times I had there...So having dealt with that issue, let's move on to abortion..."

"I'm glad you brought that up, as there has been some confusion about where I stand on that. I'd like to make it crystal clear that I stand firmly behind a woman's right to choose..."

"I must say that is a surprising answer, sir..."

"Not really. That has always been my position. When I am elected, every woman will have a choice: declining an abortion after six weeks or going to prison. Of course, in the interest of fairness, we'll give doctors and other health-care providers the same choice. As I said, I have always been and will always be a 'pro-choice' president."

"Well, that certainly clears that up. You'll no doubt have women lining up for blocks to vote for you...Now, what do you intend to do about climate change?"

"Well, even though I don't see that as a serious problem—not like rigging an election—I do have a plan to reverse it, permanently."

"That's great! Can you share it with us?"

"I'm afraid not. It's far too incredible to reveal at this time. What I can say is that it will take no more than twenty-four hours to achieve..."

"That is truly awesome, sir! Not to mention preposterous..."

"You've summed it up beautifully, Logsdon...It's really just an extension of the Art of the Deal, this time with Mother Nature...I'll simply make her an offer she can't refuse..."

"You continue to amaze us, Mr president..."

"That's why I'm so beloved by so many people..."

"So let's turn for a moment to foreign policy. Ukraine?"

"You mean West Russia? Once Putin is installed as leader—the sooner the better—the people there—even the Nazis—will be happier and more prosperous than they ever were..."

"Israel?"

"I can stop the war with Hamas in a matter of minutes..."

"With the same technique you'd use to reverse climate change?"

"You're getting smarter with every question! I wish we could keep this going for another hour or more, but right now I have some pressing business to attend to. I've somehow lost 11,780 votes—which is one more than we need—and I have to go find them. I'm told they may be hidden somewhere on my golf course, so that's where I'll start looking."

"A great idea, Mr president. Happy holidays, and we'll see you on the campaign trail!"

December 12, 2023

Jean Valjean, 31-year-old mother of two who was twenty weeks pregnant, sued the state of Texas last week to obtain an abortion after learning that her unborn child had a congenital abnormality that almost guaranteed that the child would either be stillborn or survive only a few days or weeks after delivery.

After a lower court approved her emergency petition, the state's attorney general, M Javert, vowed to have the decision overturned and to pursue Mrs Valjean "to the ends of the earth, if necessary," to prevent her from breaking Texas' abortion law, which allows exceptions only after the first half-hour of pregnancy or when it has been proven that the mother-to-be is no longer breathing. Javert also promised he would impose heavy penalties up to and including prison sentences on any health-care worker caught helping Mrs Valjean undergo an abortion.

Later in the week, Mrs Valjean managed to escape from Texas under cover of darkness to have the abortion in an undisclosed location, whereupon Javert mobilized the Texas Rangers—including the Lone Ranger and Tonto—to begin their pursuit of the obviously guilty runaway.

"Texas state law is quite clear," Javert said at a hastily arranged press conference. "We cannot allow anyone to break it with impunity. Ignoring Texas' abortion law to satisfy one's own selfish desires is almost as serious as stealing a loaf of bread, another deplorable offense that law-abiding Texans simply won't tolerate."

To prove his point, Javert pointed to a Texas man, convicted of stealing a loaf of bread, who is now serving a life sentence without possibility of parole. "That is the proper way to deal with such unpardonable theft," Javert said. "And abortion is no different. We intend to track Jean Valjean down, no matter how long it takes or where our pursuit leads us. If we were to allow one such breach of Texas law, who knows where it could lead. The floodgates would be opened, and one day soon, having an abortion in this state—or stealing a loaf of bread—may be looked on as something punishable by only twenty years in prison, or as little as ten!"

With that, Javert hopped into his trusty Ford model-T and began his quest for truth, justice and the American way, nineteen-thirties style, when women with unwanted pregnancies knew they could count on good old-fashioned coat hangers to do the job.

When told of Javert's plan to pursue and punish Mrs Valjean, former president Donald ("more power to me!") Trump simply laughed. "Javert may think he's impressive, but that doesn't hold a candle to being a dictator—even for one day! Trust me, I can do more damage on Day One, using the powers vested in me as America's first dictator-in-chief, than Javert could do during his entire term in office!"

As examples, the former president cited his promises to "close the border, build the wall, and drill, drill, drill," using his dictatorial powers—only on Day One, mind you—to set his plans in motion. Of course, he would incarcerate those who had wronged him—including the media—pardon those who hadn't, overturn the civil and criminal cases against him, dismantle the FBI and Department of Justice, eliminate the Deep State, eviscerate the civil service and invoke the Insurrection Act to make sure the military had his back. Then, with dictatorial power firmly in his hands, Trump could go back to gorging on KFC and fries and watching Fox News, as he did most of the time during his first term in office—that is, when he wasn't playing golf.

"And if Javert has trouble locating and prosecuting that wretched fugitive, Jean Valjean," he vowed, "we could do that on Day One too. One quick phone call to NORAD and we could employ the full weight of our nuclear arsenal to apprehend that troublemaker. Overkill? Not if you're a dictator..."

"It's the economy, stupid" —James Carville, 1992

Who can forget that iconic precept, coined by James Carville more than 30 years ago.

December 18, 2023

The common wisdom these days is that president Joe Biden is "too old" to run for a second term in 2024. What is needed, we are told, is "a fresh face," a "new perspective," someone who is "younger and more vigorous" to replace the doddering relic who now calls 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington his home. That may seem reasonable in theory, but do those who are clamoring for change realize how difficult it is under our two-party system simply to add one's name to the ballot in many states, let alone raise the humongous amount of money it takes to campaign and compete since the Supreme Court, in Citizens United, ruled that corporations are "people" who can shell out as many millions of dollars as they please to influence the outcome of an election? While it is true that anyone (preferably male) can grow up to be president, actually running for the office is no piece of cake.

Lest there be any doubt about that, ask congressman Dean Phillips (D-MN) who is trying his best to slash the red tape and enter the playing field with at least a remote chance of challenging the incumbent. In many cases he isn't even being taken seriously, let alone gathering enough support—read: dollars—to launch a meaningful campaign. As for engaging Biden in a debate, that simply isn't gonna happen.

And then there is Marianne Williamson, a former church leader who ran once before, in 2020. You don't remember that? Neither does almost any American apart from her immediate family, even though her platform reads quite well. For example, she supports abortion rights, a single-payer health-care system, reparations for descendants of formerly enslaved Americans, and would like to establish a US department of Children and Youth and a Department of Peace. What's not to like?

Problem is, you'll rarely hear Phillips' or Williamson's names mentioned by the mass media who, at the end of the day, advise us who—and who not—to vote for. Trump may be a sick and twisted serial liar and wannabe dictator whose re-election would spell disaster for our democracy, but he sure knows how to dominate a news cycle. If he so much as utters a slur, mangles a phrase or stubs a toe, it is front-page news. That is why we recently summed up the differences between Biden and Trump this way:

Joe Biden is a far better president than Donald Trump ever was or ever could be.

Donald Trump is a far better salesman than Joe Biden ever was or ever could be.

And that is why the '24 presidential race seems to be much closer than it should be. I say "seems to be" because, to me, Trump is the one thing he can never admit to being: a loser. And a loser is what I believe he will be in November '24. If that is true, get ready for 2020, version 2.0. Some way, somehow, Trump will allege, Biden and the Democrats managed to "rig" another election and steal it from the rightful winner—namely Donald J Trump. Although the Big Lie would soon resurface, Trump could find to his dismay that re-runs are never quite as entertaining as the original. But if, on the other hand, he should manage to win...well, that outcome is too horrendous even to contemplate.

"It's the economy, stupid!"

Who could ever forget that iconic manifesto, coined more than thirty years ago by James Carville.

Although it served Carville and Democratic presidential candidate Bill Clinton well, and has remained largely unchallenged since, the time has come at last for a slight revision. The phrase should now read as follows:

"It's the economy—and almost everyone is stupid!"

How else to account for the fact that in recent polls, more Americans say they believe Donald Trump would be better at improving the economy than president Biden. The fact is, the American economy is, in a word, booming! Job growth is through the roof, unemployment is super-low, inflation is shrinking, gasoline prices and mortgage rates are dropping, the stock market is setting records, real wages are rising—and we are outpacing the rest of the developed world in every measure. In other words, it's the kind of economic success that should be shouted from the highest rooftops.

So what are we hearing about these victories? Basically, crickets. The Biden administration, it turns out, is great at reviving the economy, not quite so great when it comes to letting the American people know what it has accomplished.

Of course, we are hearing a lot from the non-stop Trump propaganda machine about how he created "the greatest economy" the US has ever seen (a blatant lie) and how Bidenomics is "destroying the country"—same as Obamacare, which, according to Trump, almost no one likes. Two more indefensible lies. Trouble is, Trump broadcasts such falsehoods so loudly and so often that many people buy them, facts be damned. It surely doesn't hurt to have Fox News in one's corner, playing down or brushing aside every Biden success, as that is the only cable "news" source for many a Trump supporter.

Thanks to the ex-president's incessant lies and hyperbole, president Biden's poll numbers are actually DROPPING! In a recent poll, 49 percent of voters say they think Trump's policies (what policies?) have helped them, compared to 23 percent who say Biden's policies have done so. Voters actually believe that Trump would better handle the economy(!), inflation, crime, border security and the war between Israel and Hamas. Which must be music to the twice impeached, four times indicted and twice convicted (with—knock wood—more to come) serial con man's ears.

What this proves—and the ONE thing it proves—is the power of propaganda, which no demagogue can succeed without. Trump knows he doesn't actually have to DO anything as long as he can convince enough people that he is working day and night in their best interest. Okay, it does prove one more thing—that fighting dirty almost always beats fighting clean. The Democrats have this weird compulsion to tell the truth and rely on facts, whereas Republicans have no such inhibitions, as witness the "impeachment inquiry" into president Biden, which is as fact-free as it is far-reaching.

Relying on truth and facts to outflank Donald Trump is rather like trying to battle a four-alarm fire with a water pistol. Not impossible, perhaps—but the odds are clearly not in your favor.

Meanwhile, in Gaza...

Israeli soldiers "mistakenly" (Israel's words) shot and killed three of their Hamas hostages last week, all of whom were young Israeli men in their twenties—and none of whom, I daresay, was carrying a weapon. In fact, it has been reported that one of the men was waving a white flag. Hasn't the horrific thirst for revenge gone far enough?

Yes, I abhor the loathsome events of October 7, as anyone with a conscience should. On the other hand, in its aftermath Israel was given an unlimited license to kill, which it has wielded with singular enthusiasm. And now at least three of their chickens have come home to roost. To Israeli soldiers, three young men at large in Gaza equals three Hamas terrorists. Period. Shoot now, ask questions later. While I'm no fan of Hamas or any terrorist organization, neither am I a fan of indiscriminate shooting, bombing or withholding humanitarian aid, thus causing the deaths of thousands of non-combatants. There has to be a better way.

Even if Israel should realize its goal and "destroy" Hamas, what's next? No one seems to have a Plan B—or if they do, they aren't sharing it with anyone. As of now, the conflict between Israel and Hamas is a blood-soaked mess, one that neither side is liable to "win." That is simply my opinion, one I'm sure others may not share. Nevertheless, the beat goes on...

And finally...

With Christmas just around the corner, this seems a good time to revisit the Donald J Trump Trash and Trinket Emporium to see what holiday goodies are in stock. While everything there looks absolutely irresistible, we'll save the very best for last.

In the Trump store, you'll find MAGA hat Christmas tree ornaments, MAGA Fist Pump or Never Surrender wrapping paper, Never Surrender Christmas stockings, MAGA 47 red or green Christmas hats, America First brass ornaments and a 2024 Official Trump calendar, all perfectly suited to brighten your holidays.

For your Christmas list, you may choose from Never Surrender coffee mugs in black or white, a 2024 Trump flag, Never Surrender signed posters or cotton T-shirts, MAGA 47 hats, color block vinyl decals (in sets of nine) or Never Surrender beverage coolers, among other trashy baubles.

And remember, everything is FREE! (so pay no attention to those price tags, which represent donations to the Trump campaign, nothing more).

But we promised to save the best for last, and here it is:

Trump is actually selling pieces of the suit he wore while his mug shot was being taken—no, we are not making this up!—and throwing in an "extraordinary" dinner with the snake oil salesman himself at Mar-a-Lago—that is, under certain conditions (as summarized in the fine print). To even qualify for a piece of the suit, the pigeon—I mean, buyer—must first purchase forty-seven of Trump's non-fungible tokens (NFTs) at $99 each, which sum also promises that dinner with The Man himself.

If you are keeping score, that adds up to $4,653—which may seem like a bargain to Trumpsters who can't live without a piece of the suit their hero wore while he was being arrested and having his mug shot taken in Fulton County, GA, and which he now calls "the most historically significant artifact in US history" (surpassing the Liberty Bell, the original American flag and copies of the Constitution, Declaration of Independence and Gettysburg Address).

But before anyone "suits up," he or she may wish to scan the smaller print, which unveils a tiny snag in the offer, one that says the buyer may not receive the suit fragment or the dinner. "In the event the Bonus Physical Card cannot be fulfilled," the addendum says, "due to an issue in the manufacturing, production or delivery of the Bonus Physical Cards, individuals who qualified...will be awarded a limited edition Trump NFT in lieu thereof..."

After assuring those who shelled out their $4,000+ for the dinner that their travel and other expenses will be fully covered—by themselves—the legalese goes on to say:

"In the event president (sic) Trump is unable to attend the Bonus Gala dinner," or the dinner may not happen for other reasons, "we may reschedule the Bonus Gala dinner" and "individuals who qualified for the...dinner will be awarded a limited edition Trump NFT in lieu thereof..."

In other words, those who are on the hook to fraudster Trump for more than $4,500 may end up empty-handed (in fact, I can almost guarantee that), save for a "limited edition Trump NFT." We assume the phrase "Bonus Physical Cards" refers to the pieces of the Trump suit—or maybe it doesn't. In any case, heads you lose, tails Trump wins. And if you were thinking he might actually be telling the truth this time, we have a proverbial bridge we'd like to sell you...

December 21, 2023

It has come to this.

Vladimir Putin, Russia's dictator-in-perpetuity, of all people, has seen fit to lecture us on the "rottenness" of American democracy. Clearly, this is a man who is totally unfamiliar with the concept of irony. Putin chose to deliver his sermon on democracy about one week after his chief political rival, Alexei Navalny—who has been imprisoned for eternity for daring to challenge Putin's despotism—somehow "disappeared" from his place of detention and, as far as we know, remains among the missing—and perhaps, like most of those who challenge Putin, among the deceased.

Although many Americans may be turned off by a dictator letting them know what is wrong with our democracy, Putin has at least one ardent champion—and complaisant lap dog—in his corner: former president Donald ("well, he says he didn't do it") Trump who has been repeating Putin's canard on the campaign trail (to loud applause from his brain-dead worshippers) while applauding Putin's decision to "run" for a fifth term as president.

To his puppets—and to Trump—"rotten" democracy equals Joe Biden. No matter that Trump has been twice impeached, four times indicted and twice convicted (so far) since taking office—an office he tried to hold onto by overthrowing a lawful presidential election—the real criminal is "crooked Joe" Biden and his crime-infested family. At Trump's behest, congress has begun an "impeachment inquiry" into Biden's alleged profiteering from son Hunter's business dealings. It's an ongoing investigation—five years and counting—with only one small problem: there is to date nary a shred of evidence to support the congressional claims of wrongdoing.

Nevertheless, the probe slogs forward, as Trump won't be satisfied until Biden is impeached, as he was. Trump has learned—perhaps he always knew—that the best defense when battling allegations of criminal conduct is to accuse his accusers of doing the same thing, only worse. When he says that Biden is the "most corrupt and incompetent president" in our nation's history, he is actually looking in a mirror and thinking, "When you go after me, I come after you."

Trump's toadies in congress shrug off his description of political opponents as "vermin," his assertion that immigrants are "poisoning the blood" of our country, and his declaration that, yes, he will be a dictator if re-elected, but "only on Day One," insisting that's simply Trump being Trump, and that he really doesn't mean any of that.

Spoiler alert: yes, he does.

The only part Trump DOESN'T mean is that he would be a dictator only on "Day One." There has never been—and never will be—a "temporary" dictator. Dictators never leave voluntarily. The only ways to remove a strongman from power are by force (a coup) or his death. Seven years ago, Trump didn't really want to be president, until he surprised the country—and himself—by defeating Hillary Clinton and entering the White House. Once there, however, he quickly realized the status of near-absolute power he had won, what a cushy job it was for someone who delegated the actual work, and how easily he could fool the masses into believing he was on their side. ("If I can get them to drink Clorox," he deduced, "they'll fall for almost anything.") This was a position, he reasoned, that no one would ever want to leave, least of all a deceitful narcissist like himself. And so, when Trump lost the 2020 election to Joe Biden, he had to find a way to maintain power. That led to the Big Lie, which in turn led to January 6. While that didn't go Trump's way, he licked his wounds at Mar-a-Lago and vowed to succeed the next time—that next time being November 2024.

Trump figures that the only way to "win" the coming election is by painting himself as strong and Biden as weak. And so his relentless propaganda machine has gone into high gear, flooding social media with lies and half-truths, all designed to bamboozle his base into believing that he is the one man who can allay their fears and uneasiness and Make America White Again. And to make sure the message is being received, Trump repeats those lies (and invents new ones) at his campaign rallies.

No matter how bizarre, unhinged and chauvinistic the rhetoric, you should believe one thing: Trump means what he says.

Revisiting the war in Gaza...

Israel says a group of its soldiers last week "accidentally" shot and killed three of its own hostages who had escaped from their Hamas captors five days earlier. The men were unarmed and shirtless, and one was waving a white flag, perhaps with the phrase "SOS" on it written in Hebrew (that part remains unclear). My one question is, how is that an "accident"?

And from our bureau of wishful thinking...

Reports say that former South Carolina governor and UN ambassador Nikki Haley is "gaining ground" on Trump and "surging in the polls" before decisive contests in Iowa and New Hampshire. First, not really; second, if Haley were to achieve the impossible and give Trump a run for his money in either contest, one glance at what she has said in the presidential "debates" shows that she would be barely better than Trump as an actual president. Her unconscionable stance on abortion is in itself enough to ensure that she would never earn this unrepentant liberal's vote.

Also, in a decision that almost surely will be reversed by the Trump-friendly US Supreme Court, the Colorado Supreme Court ruled this week that the former president's name cannot appear on ballots in that state, citing Section 3 of the 14th amendment to the Constitution, which disqualifies any officer of the United States who, "having previously taken an oath... to support the Constitution... shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid and comfort to the enemies thereof." To which Trump queried, "Who, me?" And the court replied, "Yes, you." And about which the Supreme Court will undoubtedly say, "Back in the saddle, cowboy; you're still in the race."

And in the spirit of the season...

After wishing everyone the merriest of holidays and the happiest of New Years, I must confess that I have a wish of my own that may seem counter-intuitive.

As much as I love writing The Trump Files, lampooning and skewering someone who—let's give credit where it's due—who is arguably the most resourceful con man who ever lived, I do wish that Donald J Trump would simply disappear, thus making The Files superfluous. Until that happens, our promise is to keep doing what we've been doing as long as we are able, drawing back the curtain to let our readers see the Wizard of Ostentation in all his deceptive glory. Until next then, we'll leave you with this "climate-centered" holiday classic (with apologies to Irving Berlin):

I'm dreaming of a white-hot Christmas
Fueled by a climate-warming roast

Where the treetops burn up
And children turn up
To plead they'll not be turned to toast

I'm dreaming of a white-hot Christmas
With every forest fire that spreads

May your days be toasty and warm
And may all your Christmases conform

January 2, 2024

"Good afternoon, everyone! And welcome to a very special post-New Year presentation of 'Jeopardy! for Dummies.' I'm your host, Taylor Fleet, and today's contestants are former president Donald J Trump, former governor of South Carolina and UN ambassador Nikki Haley, and current Florida governor Ron DeSantis. Welcome, panel, to 'Jeopardy! for Dummies!' Your categories are as follows: US History, Who Said That, I 'Woke' Up This Morning, The Civil War, Book Taboos, and The Bible. Ms Haley, we'll start with you..."

"I'll try The Civil War for $200, Taylor."

"Your clue: This is universally regarded as the cause of the Civil War...anyone? Yes, Ms Haley..."

"What was the federal government overstepping its authority and oppressing the people, leading to an inevitable movement for states' rights, freedom and sovereignty."

"Sorry, Ms Haley; the correct answer is, what is slavery."

"I knew that! I didn't say it because I thought it was a 'given...'"

"That's true, Ms Haley, but you must remember that on 'Jeopardy! for Dummies,' we deal in facts, not opinions. Over to you, Mr Trump."

"I'll take Who Said That for $400."

"He said 'they (meaning immigrants) are poisoning the blood of our country...'Yes, Mr Trump..."

"That's too easy. Who is Donald Trump."

"I'm sorry, Mr Trump. The correct answer is, who is Adolph Hitler."

"Adolph who?"

"He was a well-known historical figure, Mr Trump..."

"If you say so, but I've never heard of him..."

"Be that as it may...it's now your turn, governor DeSantis."

"I 'Woke' Up This Morning for $200, Taylor."

"All right. It's the state where no one has a clue about what the word 'woke' actually means...Mr DeSantis..."

"What is Florida."

"That is correct. Please continue..."

"I'll try American History for $600."

"He was the first American president whose voice was heard on radio...Ms Haley...?"

"Who is Teddy Roosevelt."

"Sorry, no. Mr DeSantis..."

"Who is Abraham Lincoln."

"That is incorrect. Mr Trump..."

"Who is Adolph Hitler?"

"Sorry, the correct answer is, who is Warren G Harding. Back to you, Ms Haley."

"I'll take The Bible for $400, Taylor."

"In the Bible, they are known as the four Gospels...Mr Trump..."

"Who are Curly, Larry, Moe and Shemp."

"Sorry, that is incorrect. Anyone else? No? The answer is, who are Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. You were so close, Mr Trump. Over to you, Mr DeSantis..."

"I'll try Book Taboos for $200, Taylor."

"These books have been banned in Florida for vulgar language and repugnant sexual situations...Mr. DeSantis?"

"Who are Dick and Jane."

"Sorry; that is incorrect—at least for now. Ms Haley?"

"Who are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger."

"That is correct. The word 'pooh' was considered especially offensive by the Florida censors. Please proceed, Ms Haley."

"I'll try The Civil War again for $800, Taylor."

"He was the most well-known and celebrated Confederate general in the war...Ms Haley..."

"Who is Jubilation T Cornpone."

"That is incorrect. Mr DeSantis...?"

"Who is Phineas T Barnum."

"Sorry, no. Mr Trump..."

"Who is Adolph Hitler?"

"Sorry; the correct answer is, who is Robert E Lee. Your turn, Mr Trump."

"I'll take Who Said That for $600."

"And the answer is...the Daily Double! As you have no money to wager, Mr Trump, under the 'Jeopardy! for Dummies' rules, you'll be given $2,000 to use as you see fit. How much would you care to wager?"

"As it isn't my money, I'll bet it all, of course."

"All right, Mr Trump; here is your clue: He famously said, 'We have to fight the war with the army we have.'"

"Who is Adolph Hitler."

"Sorry; the correct answer is, who is former secretary of state Donald Rumsfeld. You are back to zero, Mr Trump, and it's on to you, Mr DeSantis."

"US History for a thousand, Taylor."

"The question is, After World War II his plan to send US aid to western European countries helped save them from bankruptcy and disaster...Ms Haley?"

"Who is Oliver P Warbucks."

"Nice try, but incorrect. Mr DeSantis...?"

"Who is Charles Lindbergh."

"Not even close. Mr Trump?"

"Who is Adolph Hitler."

"Sorry, Mr Trump; the correct answer is, who is George P Marshall. And I see that brings us to Final Jeopardy! Again, according to the rules, you will each be given $2,000 to wager; the rest is up to you. Today's category is American Film, and the question is, in 1929 this drama won the first Academy Award for Best Film. You have thirty seconds to write your answers."

(Theme music)

"All right, panel, time to see your answers. In 1929 this drama won the first Academy Award for Best Film. Let's see what you have written, Ms Haley..."

"What is Gone with the Wind."

"Sorry, that is not correct, Ms Haley. And what did you wager? The entire $2,000, which, I'm afraid, leaves you at zero. Mr Trump, what is your answer?"

"What is Triumph of the Will."

"Sorry, that's not correct, Mr Trump. And how much did you wager? $1,500. That leaves you with $500 and the lead! On to you, Mr DeSantis. And your answer is...?"

"What is The Phantom of the Opera."

"No, sorry, everyone; the correct answer is, what is 'Wings.' And Mr DeSantis, what was your wager? $1,200? That leaves you with a total of $800, and that means you are today's 'Jeopardy for Dummies' champion! Congratulations!"

"Hold on! Wait a minute...!"

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