The Trump Files

Obviously, Trump believes the road to the White House is paved with gold—and thanks to the gullibility of a vast number of Americans who sample and swallow his seedy sales pitch, he could be right.

March 18, 2024

"Good evening, everyone; this is The Last Word with your host, Lawrence O'Donnell... and let's get right down to business—here with the latest results from the Russian presidential election is Steve Kornacki at the big board... What are you seeing, Steve?"

"Well, we actually have some rather surprising results, Lawrence... even though all the votes from the greater Moscow area aren't in yet... but from what we've seen so far, it does appear that president Vladimir Putin will be elected to a fifth term in office..."

"Well, that news is hardly surprising, Steve, as Putin was heavily favored to win, especially after the withdrawal...or sudden disappearance...of everyone who was running against him or had even thought about it..."

"You're absolutely right, Lawrence...but here's the surprising part. It looks so far like Putin may win only 99.1 percent of the vote, whereas he won 99.6 percent in the most recent election...so it seems that democracy is clearly alive and well in Russia, as Putin himself always says..."

"Those are indeed impressive numbers, Steve. But as you pointed out, we still haven't heard from some of the precincts in Moscow...and that's an area that has traditionally leaned heavily toward Putin..."

"Yes, Lawrence, it has been a Putin stronghold in the past, and... wait! wait! we do have some later returns from Moscow!...78 percent of the vote is in, and it looks like the president's percentage has gone up from 99.1 to 99.4...that's a bit more in keeping with his normal share...in fact, I think we can safely say at this time that Vladimir V Putin has been re-elected for a fifth term as acting president of Russia..."

"I'm happy to hear that, Steve...frankly, the suspense was killing me!... So Rachel Maddow, what do you think Putin's re-election means for the war in Ukraine?"

"One thing, Lawrence—and I think Chris, Joy, Nicolle, Stephanie and Ari will agree with me—and that one thing is that Putin will keep on bombing the hell out of the Ukrainians until Zelensky either waves a white flag or converts to Catholicism..."

"Isn't there anything Americans can do to help turn the tide?"

"Yes, but not as long as Donald Trump is still breathing..."

"But hasn't Trump had some rather harsh words recently for Putin...?"

"That's right, Lawrence...he has even suggested that Putin may be only his second favorite dictator..."

"You mean he's been replaced by..."

"Yes, replaced by Viktor Orban of Hungary. I think Orban's recent visit to Mar-a-Lago may have tipped the scales. When Trump learned that Orban's favorite meal is KFC and fries, and that he loves reading Mein Kampf in the original German, I think he fell in love again, just as he did with Kim Jong-Un...plus, Orban cheats at cards, just like Trump cheats at golf..."

"And I heard Orban bought one of Trump's gold MAGA hats...paid the full $47 price, too..."

"That's right, Joy. Orban's a real man of the people, ready to help make America great again, as he has already done in Hungary..."

"Wow! Trump and Orban have so much in common...not only KFC and fries, but the ambition to screw the people, obliterate democracy, seize power while lining their pockets...the list goes on..."

"Yes, and even Putin, malicious as he is, may have to shift into a higher gear to reclaim the one warm spot in Trump's otherwise frigid heart..."

"Not that he isn't doing all he can, Rachel...Let's face it, Evgeny Navalny's death from 'natural causes' on the eve of an election was pure evil-minded genius...and 99.4 percent of the vote—that's almost the same number Trump says he won in 2020..."

"Well, only in the swing states. Trump admits he polled a bit lower in New York and California..."

"But still won them—by a landslide..."

"That's right, Chris. And we've heard from the Kremlin that if Putin gets less than 99.6 percent of the final vote, he'll claim the election there was 'rigged...'"

"A man after Trump's own heart, Nicolle. And I mean that literally..."

"Yes, I'm sure he'll be on pins and needles until Trump wins the November election—no matter how many electoral votes Biden earns—and takes the oath of office in January 2025..."

"Yes, there'd be no Mike Pence around to certify the vote count then. Clever choice, making Elise Stefanik his running mate..."

"Spot on, Ari. And as neither of his federal trials is scheduled to begin before May 2037, Trump would be off the hook there as well. Attorney general Marjorie Taylor Greene would see to that..."

"Yes, there's no one better when it comes to taking the law into her hands. But how about the state trials, in New York and Georgia?"

"An excellent question, Nicolle. To answer it, let's go to our legal experts, Andrew Weisman and Neal Katyal. Andrew, we'll start with you..."

"Thanks, Rachel. So as not to put too fine a legal point on it, I'll turn it over to you, Neal..."

"I couldn't agree more, Andrew. To me, this is the most..."

"Sorry, but I'm afraid we'll have to leave it there, Neal. We'll be back after a quick break to talk about the pressing need for congressional compromise with our special guests, senator Mitch McConnell and congressman Matt Gaetz—and we'll take a closer look at former president Trump's bold new policy initiatives, moving from a black all-metal 'never surrender' card to a gold one...still for the same low price of $47 and up... and adding a genuine [auto]signed 'never surrender' poster featuring his demonic mug shot...'limited edition,' of course..."

March 25, 2024

What does it take to replace a democracy with a dictator?

I've been giving that a lot of thought lately, and here are some ideas—most of which are obvious, and all of which have been edited for clarity and simplicity. The male pronoun is used here because to date (as far as we know), every long-term dictator in the world has been a man. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

First, a would-be dictator and his partisans must convince enough people that what he has to offer is better than what they already have.

When what they already have is freedom, that can be a tough sell.

What is needed is a consummate salesman, someone to whom lying is a way of life, who can persuade numerous people that the present system is severely broken, and that "he alone can fix it."

Further, he must reassure them that he and his allies are "good," and that their opponents are "bad"—that is to say, the "enemy." It is not enough to say they disagree; those who argue against the dictator and his purpose are inherently "evil" and must be regarded as such.

Among the worst of these "enemies" is a free press—or, more broadly, a free media whose conclusions may sometimes be erroneous or misguided but are nevertheless free from arbitrary censorship.

A would-be dictator must counter this by convincing the people that what they are seeing, reading and/or hearing is a lie, that he alone is telling them the truth, and that any viewpoint other than his is self-evidently "fake."

Any self-styled dictator also needs a convenient scapegoat, chosen because of some perceived "difference"—racial, ethnic, religious, political, whatever—so that he and his supporters have a common "enemy" who is almost wholly responsible for whatever troubles and fears may be weighing them down. These adversaries are typically portrayed as "vermin," "scum," predators who are "sucking the blood" from a given country—and may even be labeled as "not people" but sub-humans who deserve no less than extermination.

Of course, any dictator-in-waiting must portray himself as a "victim" of malignant forces whose goal is to prevent his "saving" the country from their schemes to destroy it, and to undo his well-hidden blueprint to "make it great again."

And any misdeeds he commits must immediately be ascribed to his adversaries via a process known as transference. If he is alleged to be corrupt, his opponents must be even more so. If he is bad, they are worse. If he is to be held accountable, so must they. And so on—as long as their hands are always dirtier than his.

And should his opponents do anything good, it is up to him to make sure that no one on his side believes it.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Perhaps too familiar?

This is where films or books usually insert a disclaimer: "This is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental."

Sorry; can't do that. This has everything to do with "persons living." And those persons won't rest until America's democratic way of life is dead and buried.

The groundwork is being laid for such a transition here in the citadel of democracy—and those whose purpose it is to replace that democracy with a more imperial and restrictive form of government aren't even trying to hide their intention, so confident are they that enough people have bought into it that success is more foregone conclusion than balancing act.

To help ensure that, they have been placing their allies in key positions—local, state and national—to allay any doubts that their plan will succeed. If, in spite of all their careful stratagems, it should fall short, they will claim victory anyway, and leave it to the courts—and their well-armed partisans—to decide whose claim to power should prevail. Welcome to 2020 revisited. The difference this time is that the anti-democratic forces are much better prepared than they were four years ago.

As someone once said (the quote is often attributed to the Russian dictator, Josef Stalin), "It's not the people who vote that counts, it's the people who count the votes."

That has long been the case in Russia, and those whose aim is to oppose democracy want us to believe that is true here as well—that if the vote doesn't go their way, it must have been altered. They tried that once, and failed. They are hoping that error won't be repeated.

Their possible success, however, is tempered by the fact that, unlike in some other countries, the pendulum in the US has not yet swung in favor of dictatorship. In other words, American voters still have the upper hand. Come November, it will be up to them to deal the forces of totalitarianism such an overwhelming defeat that even their loudest cries of betrayal will fall on deaf ears. Fingers crossed...

April 1, 2024

Buoyed by the unexpected success of his Broadway musical debut, Margie Shoot Your Gun,> wherein he co-starred with the flamboyant Marjorie Taylor Greene, former president Donald ("my defenders are clowns") Trump has embarked on a solo recording career, entering a New York studio later this month to tape his debut album, Trump Slays Sinatra.

Asked why he had chosen to record songs associated with Ol' Blue Eyes, Trump replied, "I've always loved a challenge, and Frank was no doubt the gold standard when it came to pop singers in the twentieth century. And his mob connections made the choice even more obvious..."

Trump made it clear he would be doing the singing himself on the album, unlike in "Margie," where his voice was dubbed by Roseanne Barr. "No, I have the pipes," he said. "But while the play was running, I was also running—for president, from the law, from bankruptcy—and the producers thought it would be best to save the voice for my various courtroom outbursts..."

When asked if a busy recording schedule might interfere with his latest gig as a Bible salesman, Trump brushed aside the idea. "No," he said, "the Bible sales don't take much time—a sales pitch here, a con job there—it's not like I had to write the book; that was already done for me..."

"So what's behind the title Trump Slays Sinatra?"

"Well, back in the day—you're too young to remember—and so am I—someone would pay a compliment by saying 'you slay me.' I figured that since I'll be singing songs Frank made famous—but singing them even better—the word 'slays' is quite suitable."

"So what is the nature of the album... what can we expect to hear?"

"Well," Trump said, "we've taken some of Frank's more popular songs, re-arranged the scores, and updated some of the lyrics to bring them more in line with what's happening on today's scene."

To provide a more explicit example, the former president graciously allowed us to sit in on the initial recording session as he lay siege to four Sinatra classics. As we are unable (thank goodness) to reproduce Trump's voice on the printed page, please don't hesitate to hum or sing along. Fasten your seat belts. Here he goes:

(GIVE ME) FIVE BILLION MORE

Give me five billion more
Only five billion more
Help me pay off my debts
Pretty please

Here am I begging for
Only five billion more
If you don't, all my assets They'll seize

All week long I've dreamed about
Your bringing that swag
If you don't, I'll go to prison
And that's no gag

Give me five billion more
Only five billion more
One small dent in your firm's bottom line


Give me five billion more
Only five billion more
I'll repay when the White House is mine!

LUST AND MARRIAGE

Lust and marriage
Lust and marriage
Fit together
Like a royal carriage

Here's the sad news, brother
You can have one but not the other

Lust and marriage
Lust and marriage
It's a medley
That you can't disparage

Take a tip from Stormy
It's ten-to-one you'll soon be horny

Try, try, try to conjugate them
It's an intrusion
Try, try, try and you will only
Come! (that's an allusion)

Lust and marriage
Lust and marriage
That's a sticking point
But no miscarriage

Don was told by father
You can have one
You may have one
You can have one
But not the other!

WITCH HUNT

Those lawsuits everywhere
That strip my assets bare
And whiten my orange hair
It's a Witch Hunt

And I've got no defense for it
Can't even blame Mike Pence for it
Those fines are too immense for it too '

Cause it's a Witch Hunt
Malicious Witch Hunt
First Tish James, now Bragg
Is piling on too

With vengeful Dems surrounding me
And Fani Willis hounding me
I'm like a monkey trapped in a zoo

As I await my fate
I see a prison gate
A jumpsuit
And an empty cell too

'Cause it's Witch Hunt
A brazen Witch Hunt
They say that I've done crimes
I haven't a clue

With Jack Smith's lawyers onto me
A guilty rule there's gonna be
Although I'm clearly innocent too

Jean Carroll, you were first
Judge Chutkan, do your worst
'Cause there's no meaner WITCH than you!

COME LIE WITH ME

Come lie with me
Let's lie, let's lie away
Though it's uncouth
We'll forsake the truth
And let lying win the day

Come lie with me
We'll lie the Trumpian way

Come lie with me
It's not that hard to do
Just take my lead
And we'll both succeed
In best doing what we do

Come lie with me
You'll soon love lying too

Once we get you in there
Where the fibs are flying fast
You may cry, "This can't last!"

Once we get you in there
You'll see how the scams are done
Battles won
As for truth
We tell it never

Lying-wise, it's such a lovely boon
Say one false word
And you'll soon be heard
From our congress to the moon

It's perfect for a lying honeymoon
They say

Come lie with me
Come on, let's lie away!

And that's only a sample of what's in store on what will surely be one of the runaway best-selling albums of the year. Move over, Taylor Swift—there's a new orange-colored sheriff in town. And stay on the alert for Trump's upcoming "ears" tour.

April 4, 2024

Having read in The New York Times an article about how former president Donald ("gimme that old-time religion!") Trump had turned the last moments of his recent rallies into old-fashioned tent revivals, I decided to pay another visit to his Mar-a-Lago chapel to learn what is going on and why. After he agreed, we met at one of the sanctuary's gold-plated breakfast tables.

"Good morning, Mr president."

"Hallelujah, brother."

"Sir, I've heard and read some stories about how the last stages of your campaign rallies have become more religious in nature, encouraging the audience to take part in what amounts to an altar call..."

"I once was lost, but now am found..."

"That's good to hear, sir...but your rallies used to be filled with so much fire and brimstone..."

"Fire and brimstone had their place, my son...but once I started holding the Bible right side-up I found there are many important lessons to be learned...especially from two Corinthians..."

"Such as?"

"I'd rather not get into specifics at this time...let's just say the Bible has had a calming effect...I never knew sales could be so brisk..."

"So you say your new message has been good for sales of the $60 Bible...?"

"Yes, it has...but that's not really the point. We must take the Bible's message to heart."

"And that message is...?"

"Peace and love, my brother."

"Peace and love? Aren't they a little out of your usual comfort zone, sir?"

"That once was true, friend. But that was before I looked up and saw the light. Didn't you read my Easter message to Christians and people around the world?"

"I can't say that I did, sir."

"Well, I happen to have a copy right here. Let me read it to you. It's written in my usual all-caps style, of course.

"HAPPY EASTER TO ALL, INCLUDING CROOKED AND CORRUPT PROSECUTORS AND JUDGES THAT ARE DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO INTERFERE WITH THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF 2024, AND PUT ME IN PRISON, INCLUDING THOSE MANY PEOPLE THAT I COMPLETELY & TOTALLY DESPISE BECAUSE THEY WANT TO DESTROY AMERICA, A NOW FAILING NATION, LIKE 'DERANGED' JACK SMITH, WHO IS EVIL AND 'SICK,' MRS FANI 'FAUNI' WADE, WHO SAID SHE HARDLY KNEW THE 'SPECIAL' PROSECUTOR, ONLY TO FIND THAT HE SPENT YEARS 'LOVING' HER, LONG BEFORE THE GEORGIA PROSECUTION OF PRESIDENT TRUMP BEGAN (AND THEREBY MAKING THE CASE AGAINST ME NULL, VOID AND ILLEGAL!), AND LAZY ON VIOLENT CRIME BRAGG WHO, WITH CROOKED JOE'S DOJ THUGS, UNFAIRLY WORKING IN THE DA'S OFFICE, ILLEGALLY INDICTED ME IN A CASE HE NEVER WANTED TO BRING AND VIRTUALLY ALL LEGAL SCHOLARS SAY IS A CASE THAT SHOULD NOT BE BROUGHT, IS BREAKING THE LAW IN DOING SO (POMERANTZ), WAS TURNED DOWN BY ALL OTHER LAW ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES, AND IS NOT A CRIME. HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

"Be honest, have you ever heard a more conciliatory and peace-loving message than that?"

"Well, sir, I must say it has left me...speechless. To wish everyone a happy Easter, without exception...even those you clearly loathe and despise, and who have done you wrong...Pope Francis must be wondering, 'Why didn't I say that'?"

"Exactly. If the Bible has taught me anything—and by the way, I have a lot of them in my house—it's that Easter isn't a time to be vilifying one's enemies. Everyone deserves a happy Easter, no matter how evil, sick, lazy or crooked they may be..."

"Well, you've certainly taken that message to heart, sir."

"Amen, friend. And I'm trying to spread it to my disciples as well...oh, did I say 'disciples'? Of course I meant my followers. Only the 'chosen one' had disciples, and I would in no way compare myself to Him..."

"Of course you wouldn't, Mr president."

"Even though my enemies are doing all they can to crucify me..."

"I understand, sir. So you think that prayer may be the answer to your troubles?"

"Yes, definitely prayer...and a few hundred million from some of my wealthier donors..."

"Of course; the Bible says you have to strike a balance."

"Yes, but we're not forgetting everyday working folks either. Some of our most heartfelt fund-raising messages are aimed at pocketing their last dollar..."

"Which is how it should be. After all, they are basically the ones who elected you..."

"Twice."

"Well, I'd say the jury's still out on that one, but I think it has pretty much been decided..."

"I'm glad you agree with me."

"As to the present campaign, it looks like you are betting heavily that God is on your side."

"Of course He is. Remember, the alternative is Crooked Joe Biden, the most corrupt president in our nation's history..."

"So when measuring Crooked Joe against a candidate who has been impeached twice, married three times, indicted four times for various alleged misdeeds, accused (and convicted) of sexual assault and convicted of business fraud, you believe that God's blessings would be bestowed your side?"

"Of course. There's really no comparison..."

"I'll grant you that, Mr president. So you seem to be saying that when anyone criticizes you, he or she is actually criticizing God..."

"Well, not directly, of course. But it's almost the same..."

"In the sense that you've been chosen as his spokesman and defender to save this country from its demonic enemies and make America great again..."

"You nailed it. But don't take my word for that: ask anyone who is wearing a MAGA hat or T-shirt, sporting my gold-plated tennis shoes, waving my special 'never surrender' flag or carrying my 'God Bless the USA' Bible, and they'll tell you the same thing..."

"I'm sure they would, sir. So in a way, your campaign is somewhat like the Second Coming..."

"No, I wouldn't say that."

"You wouldn't? I must admit that's rather surprising, sir. And why wouldn't you say that?"

"Because counting the rigged 2020 election, it's actually the Third Coming."

"Thank you for sharing that with us, Mr president. Until next time..."

April 17, 2024

"Donald...Donald...?"

"Wh-who is that? It's almost noon...can't you see I'm napping?"

"Wake up, Donald...You don't have to nap now...it's Wednesday; you're no longer in court..."

"Okay, but who's this waking me up in broad daylight? And what is it you want...?"

"You know me well, Donald. It's your BFF...old Lucifer...or you may call me Beelzebub...whichever you choose..."

"Oh, it's you! I haven't seen you for more than three years...January 6, I believe it was..."

"Yes, Donald, January 6, 2021...that was almost a great day for both of us..."

"Yes, it was...But tell me, what happened? You assured me nothing could go wrong..."

"Yes, and I'd have been right about that except for one thing...I couldn't persuade Mike Pence to trade his soul...he said he'd already done that...and when I checked my roster, he was right..."

"You really should keep better records..."

"I know, I know. But that will change once Allen Weisselberg arrives below..."

"Well, as you know, I'm on trial in New York for election interference...something about some money I had Michael Cohen pay to a couple of women before the 2016 election...I've already convinced my base it's another Biden-inspired witch hunt...there's really nothing to it...surely not enough to warrant a visit from the Prince of Darkness..."

"I'm not so sure about that, Donald. I've seen the evidence, and it looks like they may have a pretty strong case against you...I'll be stopping by before jury selection is complete to make sure they'll never convict you..."

"You mean...?"

"Yes, I'm here to make sure the jury, unlike Mike Pence, will be hung..."

"Are you sure you can do that?"

"Donald, have you forgotten who you're talking to? Nothing is beyond my nefarious reach. That's why I'm called Old Scratch...one move from me and we can scratch any juror's ass and change his vote from guilty to innocent..."

"That's right! Old Scratch! I'd almost forgotten..."

"Yes. I used to be called the Prince of Liars too until you took that name from me..."

"Yes, sorry about that. I cant help it; it's purely reflexive. I'd tell the truth if I only knew how..."

"Don't give it another thought, Donald. I have enough titles as it is; one more or less isn't going to bruise my spine..."

"So tell me, is our agreement still the same?"

"Yes, your soul for my endless help..."

"Okay, but trust me, I really got the best of that bargain. The unending help of Satan himself in return for something I never used and never even knew I had until you brought it up..."

"Whatever you say, Donald. Meanwhile, I'll stay busy keeping you out of trouble. I already threw a big monkey wrench into the Fani Willis indictment in Georgia, and made sure judge Aileen Cannon's name was drawn from a hat in Florida...tomorrow I'll see what mischief I can make with Jack Smith's insurrection probe in DC...I'm already working on the Supreme Court (spoiler alert: Clarence Thomas is a pushover—besides which, I already have his soul in my hip pocket)...as for the trial in NYC, don't worry your head about that one...everything is well under control..."

"I'm sure it is. Believe me, I'll nap much easier in court tomorrow. But before you go, Lucifer, I do have one last favor to ask..."

"And what might that be?"

"Well...could you by any chance persuade Melania to sleep with me again?"

"Sorry, Donald; you know I do the best I can but only the Big Guy upstairs can work miracles..."

---

Illustration courtesy of Keith Henry Brown and Michael Ricci

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