The Trump Files

"I don't care what it costs! The truth is, I've been robbed blind by your corrupt voting system and crooked voting machines, depriving me of what should be mine; namely, the trophy for most effective Doublespeak. I earned that award by lying to the American people more than 3,000 times during my four years (and counting) as president—and won the trophy four years in a row! Surely you're not gonna stand there and tell me that isn't good enough to outclass some double-dealing, second-rate governor—who owes his career to me, by the way..."

"Yes, your body of deception is certainly impressive, Mr Trump. But having weighed that against Mr DeSantis' immaculate record of deluding the voters in Florida this year, our members decided..."

"No, they didn't! Their votes were contaminated by an Italian/German cabal whose goal was to throw the election into disarray and declare DeSantis the winner! The evidence couldn't be clearer..."

"You're saying you have specific evidence of voter fraud?"

"Well, not me personally—but my lawyers, the peerless Rudy Giuliani and Sydney Powell, they have the evidence, which they will gladly show you once they've completed their forensic analysis..."

"And when might that be?"

"I'd say a week or two. Maybe a month at most. But trust me, they DO have the evidence..."

"I must say this is highly unusual, Mr Trump. Then again, we've never had anyone challenge the outcome of our voting before..."

"Well, I'm challenging it now. I want that trophy! It's MINE! And I'll do whatever it takes to move it to a place of honor beside my stockpile of classified documents at Mar-a-Lago..."

"Well, Mr Trump, my advice would be to do whatever you believe is necessary. But as far as the Orwell board and membership are concerned, the election is over and governor DeSantis is the winner..."

"Well, we'll see what Fox News has to say about THAT!"

March 10, 2023

Still basking in the warmth of the reception given to "Justice for All," his first-ever attempt to obliterate popular song—recorded with rioters convicted in the January 6, 2021, attack on the US Capitol as they tried to overthrow the government and keep him in power—former president Donald ("Totally Ga Ga") Trump has decided to release an album of his own, updating songs from Broadway and the Great American Songbook to suit his aberrant view of America and its political framework. While we won't give away the game by listing all the songs he has chosen, we can at least offer a sneak preview of what to expect when Trump's album, provisionally titled "With a Scam in My Heart," is released. Among the songs he has rephrased is this timeless Broadway treasure:

"Con-a-Lot"

A knave was born a distant moon ago here
He'll siphon all the money that you've got

And have an insurrection planned by noon here
In Con-a-Lot

Con-a-Lot
Con-a-Lot
I know it seems a bit shopworn

But in Con-a-Lot
Con-a-Lot
That's how complots are born

Elections must be stolen in November
We'll say it happened even when they're not

And we are hoping no one will remember
Our cunning plot
In Con-a-Lot In short there's never been
A more convenient scene

For fleecing and philandering
Than here in Con-a-Lot!

And there is this well-known evergreen, first sung by Kate Smith:

"Don Shaft America"

Don shaft America
Land that he bilks

Don't deride him
Abide him

As he lies, cheats
And mocks those he milks

From the mansion
To the clubhouse
To the White House
He once owned

Don shaft America
(The part that's red...)

Don shaft America
The rest—you're dead!

And finally, from Rodgers and Hammerstein's smash hit Oklahoma!, the unforgettable "People May Say He's a Sham":

Just throw your cash at him
Though he's a reprobate

His truths are so very slim
Most when he's sponsoring hate

Place all your faith in him
He'll make our country great

Give all of your votes to him
He'll build that wall—just you wait

Don't stop electing him
Though he has no game but con

Although they're suspecting him
No one can outwit The Don!

That's only a sample of what's to come. Needless to say, the rest of Trump's album is equally immodest and unsavory. A sequel may be planned, this one with Trump himself performing from behind bars—a fond reunion with the insurrectionists whose abject loyalty to the former president put them there in the first place. Available wherever useless rubbish is sold.

And speaking of useless rubbish...

Fox "News" is in the headlines again—for all the wrong reasons, as usual. Dominion Voting Systems, which has filed a $1.6 billion defamation lawsuit against the network, has made public behind-the-scenes e-mails and conversations which seem to indicate that no one at Fox—from Rupert Murdoch on down—really believed for a moment Donald Trump's ridiculous claims that the 2020 presidential election had been stolen from him.

As the saying goes, you could have knocked me over with a feather!

Dominion, you're claiming that Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingraham, Maria Bartiromo, Jeanine Pirro and other Fox on-air "talent" were actually lying to their viewers when they declared the election had been stolen? And all this time I believed that Trump—or maybe Sydney Powell and her spectral time-traveling, extra-sensory fact-finder—had convinced them it was true. This disclosure has dealt a devastating blow to my long-held belief in journalistic integrity. If you can't trust Fox "News," which is nothing if not "fair and balanced," in whom can you place your confidence? It's as if a dam had burst and a torrent of lies had washed over our bewildered faces.

And speaking of dam lies...

House Speaker Kevin ("how did I land this gig?") McCarthy has given exclusive access to thousands of hours of film footage from the January 6 insurrection to Fox host Tucker ("the candy man") Carlson who has "cherry-picked the facts and covered them with swill" to make his viewers feel good.

According to Carlson's version of events, there was no riot at the Capitol that day, no insurrection, no hordes of Trump supporters using force to breach the building while screaming "hang Mike Pence!" and other slurs. No, these were peaceable tourists who "revered the Capitol," were escorted through the building by Capitol police and were, if anything, simply mounting a non-violent protest against what they considered a stolen election.

Such blatant deception might be excused or at least mitigated if Carlson were ignorant of the facts—but he has seen ALL OF THE FOOTAGE from January 6, and knows full well there was an uncontrollable riot that day, one in which protesters smashed their way into the Capitol and rampaged through its halls, one that left at least nine lifeless victims in its wake including one protester who was shot dead. This is the same Tucker Carlson who phoned the White House that day, pleading for someone—anyone—to intervene, stop the carnage and order the rioters to go home.

From where Carlson sits—at a comfortable desk in a "news" room—there was no "riot" on January 6, no "insurrection," no "guns." And what are those sitting ducks who watch Fox "News" exclusively to believe? If Carlson says there was no riot, there was no riot; simply a rather large number of inquisitive tourists who wanted to learn up close and personal more about our nation's government and its most symbolic building. Of course, Carlson wasn't at the Capitol that day, so he didn't have to comfort the wounded or help wipe feces and urine off the floors and walls.

Carson's pathetic efforts to whitewash the unprecedented events of January 6—delivered with a straight face and in an assertive voice—have raised the venerable art of lying—perfected by Donald Trump, the man Carlson says he "hates passionately"—to a whole new level. This goes far beyond lying to hide some inconvenient truth; this is lying for a larger purpose, to solidify one's position of power and safeguard his assets, no matter how devastating the cost to his country or its democracy.

The irony is that Dominion Voting Systems could have the last laugh, and Fox "News" and its lackeys including Carlson would be hit precisely where it hurts most: in their pocketbooks and on the bottom line. That would be a miserable day for Fox "News" but a wonderful day for America.

On Feb. 16, a redacted summary judgment was filed by attorneys for voting hardware and software maker Dominion Voting Systems as part of its $1.6 billion defamation lawsuit against Fox News. Within the document were partial pieces of numerous communications from both on-air personalities and high-ranking employees and executives for the network who had purportedly, in apparent opposition to some of their broadcast remarks, privately cast doubt on outgoing U.S. President Donald Trump's claims that there had been massive fraud in the 2020 U.S. presidential election.

One such communication published in the briefs—a text message that was sent following the Capitol riot on Jan. 6, 2021—showed conservative Fox host Tucker Carlson referring to Trump as being "a demonic force" and "a destroyer." He added, "But he's not going to destroy us."

According to the court filing, the text was sent to a producer of Carlson's weeknight show, "Tucker Carlson Tonight."

The full contexts in which Carlson had made these remarks were not included in the briefs, nor were full sentences or context present for some of the other comments that appeared in the documents. Fox produced the communications to Dominion's attorneys, according to the filing.

In a statement, a spokesperson for Fox responded to the news, saying, "There will be a lot of noise and confusion generated by Dominion and their opportunistic private equity owners, but the core of this case remains about freedom of the press and freedom of speech, which are fundamental rights afforded by the Constitution and protected by New York Times v. Sullivan."

We obtained additional comment from Fox as well, which is included later in this story.

Dominion's Case

Dominion laid out its case against Fox in several sections. First, the document said that Fox broadcast false information, a point that Dominion's attorneys broke into four parts:

These lies fall into four categories, each provably false at the time. Fox falsely claimed: (1) Dominion committed election fraud by rigging the 2020 Presidential Election. (2) Dominion's software and algorithms manipulated vote counts in the 2020 Presidential Election. (3) Dominion is owned by a company founded in Venezuela to rig elections for the dictator Hugo Chavez. (4) Dominion paid kickbacks to government officials who used its machines in the 2020 Presidential Election.

Dominion's attorneys then described what they alleged to be both malice and defamation on the part of some of Fox's on-air talent, claiming that the information they broadcast about Dominion differed from what they had communicated privately at the time.

A Demonic Force

Carlson's "demonic force" quote about Trump was one of many communications in the court filing that were highlighted on social media and in news articles.

The court filing also included a list of remarks Fox hosts and employees that purportedly had been conveyed on the subject of the election fraud claims:

"ludicrous" —Tucker Carlson, 11/20/20 (Ex.171)
"totally off the rails" —Tucker Carlson, 12/24/20 (Ex.172)
"F'ing lunatics"—Sean Hannity, 12/22/20 (Ex.122, Hannity 321:3-14)
"nuts" —Dana Perino, 11/16/20 (Ex.173)
"complete bs" —Producer John Fawcett to Lou Dobbs, 11/27/20 (Ex.174)
"kooky"—Maria Bartiromo, regarding email received from Powell 11/07/20 (Ex.98, Bartiromo 141:18-24)
"MIND BLOWINGLY NUTS" —Raj Shah, Fox Corporation SVP, 11/21/20 (Ex.175)

March 20, 2023

News anchors, commentators and pundits on every TV network (save one) have been declaring breathlessly that Donald Trump "could be the first president in history ever to face criminal charges" as federal and state lawsuits describing his wrongdoings creep slowly but inexorably forward, using words like "historic" and "unprecedented" to describe the possibility. My questions are, (a) what's the big deal? and (b) why has it taken so long to bring this charlatan to justice?

Yes, it is true that no sitting president or former president has ever been charged with a crime (although Richard Nixon narrowly escaped, thanks to Gerald Ford). On the other hand, this country has never had a president quite like Donald ("make double-dealing great again!") Trump. Before he took office in 2017, every president in our history was in many respects a public servant, devoted to protecting and defending the Constitution against all enemies, foreign or domestic, as his oath required. While none was perfect, there is no doubt that each one took his duties as president seriously.

And then came Trump. Before he took office, no president had seen his primary goal as enriching himself and his family at the expense of the American people. No president (to the best of our knowledge) had come even close to replicating the more than 3,000 lies Trump told while in office.

No former president had taken a mass of classified documents to his home and refused to return them to the National Archives. No presidential candidate had ever been accused of paying "hush money" to a porn star to silence her voice while he ran for office. No other president was impeached twice, nor had any chief executive ever claimed that the election was "stolen" from him, lied repeatedly to try and overturn the result and incited an insurrection whose goal was to keep him in power.

Yes, the scholars, lawyers and other authorities point out, there is no doubt that Donald Trump committed a long list of crimes while in office—but did he really mean to? That is the question. In other words, what was Trump's state of mind while he was lying, cheating and stealing his way through a single four-year term—one that he still insists should have been two. Perhaps he was simply naive when he cozied up to dictators like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un. Or when he phoned Georgia secretary of state Brad Raffensperger to plead for "only 11,780 votes" to reverse his electoral loss in that state. And perhaps he had never heard of the Constitution's emoluments clause, which states that a president shouldn't keep those expensive gifts presented to him by other heads of state, and simply didn't realize that he mustn't claim highly classified government documents as his own once he had left office. Or that he should have divested himself of any financial interest in Trump properties or holdings such as the Trump Hotel in Washington, where visiting dignitaries chose to stay (at inflated prices) while he was in office to curry favor with the top gun.

Granted, all of these alleged crimes clearly look bad on paper—but they could have been honest errors in judgment, no more than that. At least that's what Trump's lawyers will no doubt argue when—make that if—he is ever indicted and brought to trial for any or all of them. Should Trump ever be held accountable, and a jury of his peers is called upon to decide his fate, the former confidence man-in-chief can consider himself lucky that I won't be one of them.

April 6, 2023

After a long and exhaustive look at the evidence against him, a grand jury in New York City has indicted former president Donald Trump for allegedly paying money to at least two women to buy their silence and help secure his election during the final weeks of the 2016 presidential campaign. The 34-count felony indictment cites payments to Playboy magazine model Karen McDougall, porn star Stormy Daniels and even a $30,000 payment to the doorman at Trump Tower in New York City who claimed that Trump had a child out of wedlock, all in violation of New York's election laws. If convicted on all counts, the former president could face a maximum of 136 years in prison.

Rumor has it that some of Trump's associates in the Republican Party are upset by this.

"This is too great an assault on our system... much greater than anyone saw on January 6. What you're seeing now is lawlessness, and the question is who can stop it."—Tucker Carlson

"The Bill of Rights is gone..." —Glenn Beck

"It's like Stalin's purges." —Laura Ingraham

"This is burning down the rule of law." —Josh Hawley

"This is literally legal voodoo. It is going to destroy America." —Lindsey Graham

"They're after Donald Trump because they're really after you...I am hanging my head in shame." —Kimberly Guilfoyle

"Think of Hunter Biden's laptop..." —Alex Jones

"Let's be clear, folks. This is like Communist-level shit. This is stuff that would make Mao, Stalin, Pol Pot—it would make them blush." —Donald Trump Jr. (and it could perhaps even make them forget for a moment the millions of innocent people they murdered)

But hold on a moment... haven't we heard this song before?

Fifty years ago it was president Richard Nixon's second-in-command, vice president Spiro Agnew, who was in the federal government's crosshairs. Like Trump, Agnew loudly proclaimed his innocence (but without personally attacking the prosecutors). Like Trump, Agnew said he would fight to the bitter end, and vowed never to leave office owing to the charges against him, which included fraud and bribery. But when offered a plea deal—his resignation in return for dropping all charges—Agnew snatched it like a hungry dog who had found a bone with scraps of meat attached.

Bottom line: Spiro Agnew had no desire to go to prison. And despite his arrogance and feigned bravado, neither does Donald Trump. If he felt that NY district attorney Alvin Bragg had the goods on him and he might be convicted by a jury, my guess is that Trump would take a similar pre-trial deal in a heartbeat.

Trump's base? He could easily convince them he was copping the plea for them, not him. After all, he has easily convinced them that every other lie he has told is the truth. Why should one more be any different?

But even though Trump has been indicted and arraigned (or as he says on his website, "indicated" and "arranged," as his autocorrect is working overtime), we're a long way from seeing him actually stand trial. Meanwhile...

Trump is doing everything he can to convince his base that it is they, and not him, that the government really wants to silence and oppress, and he has chosen to suffer these indignities so they won't have to. In other words, his torment is a recompense for their sins, which he will graciously shoulder on their behalf. Sound familiar? About the only thing he hasn't promised his disciples (who now number around a dozen, I'm told) is a physical resurrection. But give him time...

And speaking of time, as the former president has had more time than usual on his hands recently, he has used some of it to write a book! Well, not actually write a book... that would be forcing his wee vocabulary to cross a bridge too far—it's more like cutting and pasting about 150 messages to him from various celebrities to comprise a book whose title is "Letters to Trump."

According to the publisher, Winning Team, the "colorful photo book captures the incredible, and oftentimes private, correspondence between [president] Donald J. Trump and some of the biggest names in history," names like Oprah Winfrey, Kim Jong Un, Bill Clinton, Princess Diana, Richard Nixon, Ted Kennedy, Arnold Palmer, Liza Minnelli, Jay Leno, Mario Cuomo, and even Hillary Clinton! Trump has done his part, however, adding photos and brief comments, several of them in English.

The best part is, you can add "Letters to Trump" to your coffee table for the paltry sum of $99—or $399 for a signed copy. You must agree that deals like that don't come your way every day, even from someone who has perfected "the art of the deal." And if that is too rich for your blood, you may purchase from his Save America website a genuine simulated "Trump mugshot" t-shirt for as little as $47. If nothing else, it shows that the man who has been loudly complaining about "fake news" for the past six years or more hasn't a clue about the meaning of the word "ironic."

April 10, 2023

While it may prove daunting—if not impossible—to unscramble the murky and enigmatic mind of former president Donald ("I've been indicated!") Trump, there can be absolutely no doubt where his heart lies.

Since an indictment against Trump on 34 felony charges was disclosed last week by NYC district attorney Alvin Bragg, Trump has boasted on his Save America website, "we've raised over $13,000,000!" In fact, he continues, "in one single day, we outraised every single Democrat in the nation COMBINED."

With the help of his "Patriots," Trump declares, "we can even OUTRAISE the Soros Money Machine!"

In Trump World, it seems, nothing ever changes. No matter what the circumstances, whether good or bad, the ultimate goal remains the same: squeeze as much money as you can from as many suckers as you can as quickly as you can.

"We can't stop now," Trump exclaims. "Soros is going on a RAMPAGE, buying up America's entire legal system—and YOU are our nation's only hope of defending real justice in America." Trump offers absolutely no proof that billionaire George Soros is on a rampage, or buying anything at all that pertains to our legal system. But no proof is needed; to his gullible base, Trump's word is good as gold and they need no more than that before reaching for their wallets, writing their checks or surrendering their credit card info online.

The name "Soros" is all Trump's partisans really need to hear. The former swindler-in-chief must single out a boogeyman to scare the shit out of his base—and right now, the target is squarely on George Soros' back. Trump will aim his pernicious arrows wherever it best suits him, which means wherever they can draw the most blood—make that cash—from his docile and ill-informed prey. And by prey, we don't mean George Soros. While Trump may chastise the Democrats' deep-pocketed benefactor, his aim is elsewhere—toward any hard-earned money his sitting ducks are willing to pay to help "save America."

It's not as though Trump's pigeons receive no bread crumbs in return. At his tacky online store, which could be labeled "Avarice Central," the former president sells literally anything that isn't nailed down, from his new book, "Letters to Trump" (only $99 while they last), to "I Stand with Trump" and phony "Trump Mug Shot" tee-shirts ($47 each), "Mug Shot" coffee mugs ($24), MAGA hats ($40), Trump bumper stickers ($12) and even membership in the President's Trust, whatever that is, for any amount you'd care to send. There's more, but that should help paint the picture. While Trump may claim he wants to "save America," what he really wants to save is as much of your money as he can to help pay his legal fees and support the lifestyle he has always considered his birthright.

And speaking of lifestyles...

Please allow us to introduce to you Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, a self-professed "man of the people" who has served on the Court since 1981.

The US Constitution doesn't say a whole lot about the nation's highest Court. Article III, Section 1, says, "The judicial power of the United States shall be vested in one supreme Court, and in such inferior Courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish," and that "the Judges...shall hold their Offices during Good Behavior," which has been interpreted to mean "for the rest of their lives" or until they should choose to resign. That's about it. Nothing is said about the makeup of the Court, whose original number was six and was later expanded to its present membership of nine.

So what we have is a Supreme Court whose word is law, whose members serve for life and who face a near-zero possibility of removal from office for misconduct (no justice ever has been unseated since the Court was first convened in 1790), with no congressional oversight and no pesky code of ethics to which they must adhere. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, there is Clarence Thomas...

As it turns out, the "man of the people" who has professed his love for "Wal-Mart parking lots" has been accepting lavish gifts for decades from Republican mega-donor Harlan Crow—including all-expenses-paid vacation trips and flights to various destinations on Crow's private jet, all without disclosing them to anyone, least of all his colleagues or the federal government.

While that may seem a bit shady to the average person on the street, Thomas insists he has done nothing wrong.

And he may be right.

Sleazy and underhanded as his behavior may have been, there is probably nothing in any rule book that would prevent or even sanction it. No one knows that better than Thomas who can shamelessly thumb his nose at the naysayers before reclaiming his seat on the Supreme Court. There is no conflict of interest here, Thomas says. Crow is simply a "longtime friend of the family" whose generosity may be lavish but was always unsolicited. And who or what is there to prove otherwise—or to do anything about it?

As for Crow, he is no more than a gentle-hearted billionaire with a fondness for all things Hitler, including in his large collection of Nazi memorabilia a signed copy of "Mein Kampf" (eat your heart out, Donald Trump), at least two of the failed-painter-turned-dictator's paintings, Nazi medallions, swastika-embossed linens and more. Nothing unusual about that.

"There should be rules!" some members of congress (and others) loudly cry. "Some code of ethics or conduct!" On the other hand, they reason, "Let's not be too hasty. After all, we've had only two hundred thirty-three years to consider this—and these gentlemen have always been aboveboard and on the level with us. Maybe we should wait until the controversy blows over... after all, now that justice Thomas' carelessness has been brought to light, there is absolutely no way it could ever happen again..."

Yes, that's the ticket. The Supreme Court should police itself, as it always has. These are honorable men and women, free from any hint of partisanship or undue influence. That is why the American people place such confidence in them and their clearly impartial decisions. Our apology, justice Thomas. We should have known you would never do anything to sully the Court's immaculate reputation or raise the least bit of doubt concerning its time-honored record of discretion and even-handedness.

So sleep well, Clarence... and you too, Ginny. Your motive is clear, if not your conscience.

And speaking of consciences...

Does Florida governor Ron DeSantis have one? Sorry, I'm afraid that jury is still out.

What DeSantis does have is a king-size grudge against Mickey Mouse and the other inhabitants of Disney World in Orlando who had the temerity to question his "don't say gay" blueprint for an all-straight, all-white haven in which his bigoted, racist and homophobic views would be unchallenged. First, DeSantis tried to engineer a state takeover of the Reedy Creek Improvement District, which had given the Disney company free rein in central Florida for more than half a century, and replace its five-member governing board with a new one whose members would be appointed by—wait for it!—governor Ron DeSantis.

"There's a new sheriff in town," the tough-guy governor blustered. "The corporate kingdom has come to an end, and accountability will be the order of the day."

So far, so good.

As DeSantis would soon learn, however, Mickey Mouse wasn't about to tiptoe away without a fight. Before DeSantis' new panel could be sworn in, the outgoing board struck a deal with Disney that let the company retain much of its autonomy, stripped the incoming board of almost all its power, and made DeSantis look rather...shall we say...Goofy. The governor, however, wasn't through yet. Putting on his most fearsome Donald Duck (pardon; Donald Trump) face, DeSantis announced his next scheme: toll roads leading into and out of the Magic Kingdom. "That'll show 'em!"

As well it may, but not for several years, as toll roads don't spring up overnight. By that time, DeSantis will have forsaken his role as undisputed Ruler of Florida and left to seek greener—and even more lucrative—pastures. That is when he will learn to his dismay that even someone with an ego as massive as his is no match for the unquestioned Master of Avidity and Deception, Darth Trump, whose unrelenting blows below the belt will make him wish he were back in Florida engaging in hand-to-hand combat with his old nemesis Mickey Mouse. The score so far: Disney 1, DeSantis 0.

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a bill Monday that gives him new power over Disney, effectively punishing the entertainment giant for speaking out against the Republican's political agenda. The new law amounts to a state takeover of the Reedy Creek Improvement District, the government body that has given Disney unique powers in Central Florida for more than half a century. It allows the governor to replace the district's existing board with a five-member body that he hand-picks. The move against Disney comes nearly a year after the company spoke out against a Florida bill—which DeSantis later signed into law—to restrict certain classroom instruction about sexual orientation and LGBTQ gender identity.

April 17, 2023

I'm looking at my calendar and thinking, "No way!" But calendars don't lie, and The Trump Files is now three years old and counting. I wrote the first one, basically for my own amusement and to dampen a gnawing sense of frustration and anger with all things Trump, on April 15, 2020. In November of that year, when Donald Trump lost the presidential election to Joe Biden, someone said to me, "Well, I guess that's the end of The Trump Files."

As it turns out, they were just getting started.

As long as Trump breathes, there will never be a shortage of brainless, absurd or malicious Trumpisms to either parody or demolish. Even as he faces the first of what could be three or more criminal indictments for various alleged misdeeds, the former president continues to make [undeserved] headlines for his crude and outlandish behavior, much of which stems from the fact that he has never before been held accountable for his conduct, no matter how deceptive or dishonest it may have been.

With The Files still going strong and now eagerly read by millions (make that hundreds) of discerning Americans, we felt the time had come to ask the former president himself whether he has been reading them, and if so, what his opinion of The Files might be. So we got in touch with his office, made an appointment, booked a flight to Florida, and were soon seated across from the orange-crested mountebank in a dining room at his Mar-a-Lago resort.

After we were introduced, my first question, considering his status as a former president who is running again in 2024 and could be a convicted felon before then, was how to address him properly.

"You can call me what everyone else here does," he said. "Mr. president."

Of course.

"But if that degenerate, biased animal Alvin Bragg has his way, you may soon be addressing me as #7009-4605-338720-DJT."

"We'll keep that in mind, sir. Meanwhile, as you've no doubt been told, Mr. president, my reason for visiting today is to ask if you're familiar with The Trump Files, and if the answer is yes, to elicit your opinion about a column that hasn't always been, shall we say, entirely flattering when it comes to recounting your misdemeanors."

"Before I answer that question, we have to get one thing straight: those are felonies, not misdemeanors. Give me some credit; I would never stoop that low."

"My apology, Mr. president. Felonies they are..."

"That's much better. Now, as to your question, yes, of course; I have The Trump Files read to me every time they arrive. Doesn't everybody?"

"We're working on that, Mr. president. So what is your over-all opinion of The Files...?"

"Well, I thought they started rather slowly..."

"I agree."

"But they picked up momentum especially after the Chinese Virus arrived. Like Fox News, your coverage of my response to the pandemic has always been 'fair and balanced.' I especially appreciated how you published my underhanded slogan, 'You Won't Be Safe in Joe Biden's America.' And how you wrote something like it 'gave new meaning' to the word 'irony.' As someone who never knew the old meaning of the word, I thought that was kinda nice."

"Yes, that was in July 2020, Mr. president. And we followed that column soon afterward with a look at your cognitive awareness test..."

"Yeah, I still can't believe how easy it was to ace that! Some of the second-graders who were taking it were really struggling! Witless Joe still hasn't accepted my challenge to take the test himself... then we'd see who the very stable genius really is."

"In October, shortly before the election, Mr. president, we wrote a take-off on the classic Abbott and Costello routine, 'who's on first,' but in his one you were consulting your doctor about the results of your Covid test..."

"Another of my favorites! 'I'm positive you're negative...'priceless! Kellyanne read that one to me...She loves alternative facts!"

"Happy you liked that one, Mr. president. And then there was that memorable presidential debate..."

"Oh Christ! I raked poor Biden's ass over the coals in that one. The poor guy couldn't squeeze a word in edgewise..."

"And of course that's what debates are all about, aren't they?"

"You bet your Abe Lincoln they are! I really think that's what cinched the election for me..."

"Cinched? Don't you mean 'lost' the election?"

"Don't you EVER use that blasphemous word in here again! Quick, someone... bring us some air freshener! And some water for me!"

"I am so sorry, Mr. president! Please accept my apology. I'd thought that by now..."

"By now, what? You thought that by now I'd have conceded the election to the unrepentant thief who STOLE it from me? 'Unrepentant!' That's a really good word, isn't it? I learned it yesterday..."

"Yes, it's a very good word, Mr. president. Now, getting back to The Trump Files... that brings us to Halloween 2020."

"Yeah, you wrote a really long one that day. Afraid I fell asleep halfway through it..."

"We had a lot of readers say that, sir. And then there was your 'concession' letter to Biden..."

"As if I'd ever do anything as dumb as that. Still, you came up with a couple of pretty good zingers, especially 'we'll meet you and Jill at the "concession" stand...'"

"Thank you, Mr. president. And then, as you promised and we reported, Covid just suddenly disappeared..."

"Yes, never to be heard from again. That Clorox worked wonders..."

"It certainly did, sir...and then not much else happened until January 2021..."

"Ah yes; January 6. ALMOST the greatest day in American history! If it weren't for the cowardice of Mike Pence... 'dang you, dang you, they oughta take a rope and hang you...'I borrowed that from Roger Miller but it suits Pence perfectly. We—I mean the American people—almost pulled it off. A mostly peaceful transfer of power, one that would have returned me to the office that was rightfully mine..."

"With all due respect, Mr. president, you did lose the electoral vote by 306-232—that's the same margin by which you beat Hillary Clinton in 2016."

"Yes, but that was different."

"How so?"

"Well, for one thing, we didn't steal the election. We would have, but didn't need to. Unlike Sneaky Joe, we won fair and square. The people spoke, and their voices said we won, loud and clear."

"But Hillary Clinton received nearly three million more votes than you did..."

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