Home » Jazz Articles » Mr. P.C.'s Guide to Jazz Etiquette and Bandstand Decorum » September 2015
September 2015
Should it matter whether a jazz musician is or isn't pretty or handsome?
—Can't Understand The Etiquette
No it shouldn't, but unfortunately it does anyway. Jazz has historically been music of the down-trodden, disenfranchised and disfigured, and that's led to tremendous prejudice against good-looking players. What can we do? A full-fledged affirmative action plan would be hard to implement, but a sensible informal policy would ask each quartet of greasy down-and-outers to reserve a position for the terminally attractive.
Attractive musicians can't help their beauty. And jazz musicians—of all people—should know better than to judge them for the way they look.
Dear Mr. P.C.:
When we're soundchecking before a gig, the trumpet player in my band deliberately plays really quietly while they set the house levels. Then when we're actually performing he blows full bore and is the loudest guy in the room. So he tricks the soundman to turn him up, and all the ladies swoon at his monster sound. What am I supposed to do?
—Quietly Simmering
Do you really want to attract the sort of ladies who "swoon" at a "monster sound"? Today they're the linebacker's girl, the bully's catch, the bouncer's chick. But where will they be when their musclemen turn old and frail? Nowhere to be found, that's where!
Take heart, QS. Somewhere out there is a sensitive young woman just dying to nurture a puny-toned player like you; your feeble sound will wrench her heart, and she'll happily be your caregiver for life.
Dear Mr. P.C.:
How come every time a musician is described by another as a "nice guy," he turns out to be a bad player?
—Puzzled in PA
Bad players have to be nice or they won't get work. And although nice musicians don't have to play badly, having niceness to fall back on dooms them to complacency and mediocrity.
Good players don't always start out mean, but once they realize their goodness entitles them to meanness, few can resist. And mean players don't always start out good, but driven by the desire to belittle lesser (and nicer) players, they practice hard and quickly improve.
This has led to a highly segregated jazz community, with a growing chasm between the best, meanest players, and their nicer, lesser counterparts. It's reflected in their audiences, too. Snotty, effete listeners gravitate toward the best, nastiest bands, while likable listeners are perfectly happy listening to well-intentioned drivel.
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