Handpicking, Homicide, and Healing

Handpicking

Dear Mr. P.C.:

You know when people say, "I didn't choose jazz; it chose me?" Well, who or what did jazz choose them from? What makes them so special?

—Pro-Choice Joyce

Dear PCJ:

Obviously, the talent pool varies from one draft round to the next, so some mediocre players can slip through in off cycles, while even very good players don't make the cut in others.

If Jazz doesn't choose you the first time around, what can you do to improve your odds? You could be coy, playing "jazzy" musical theater gigs and daring Jazz to gamble on you; after all, Jazz can be risk-taking. You could play the "overlooked genius" card and spew out needlessly complex lines; Jazz can be incomprehensible. But Jazz can also be very simple, so it may just want you to kiss its ass.

After Jazz chooses a musician, it can always change its mind. When it wants to get rid of someone, Jazz underpays, overworks, and demeans them—even more than usual. It's hard not to pity the players who get fired by Jazz; they live in denial, still acting chosen. You can find them composing large ensemble works that will never be heard, playing gratuitous Coltrane substitutions in rock cover bands, and obsessively showing off their chops on Facebook videos "liked" by no one and given "sad" and "laughing" emojis by Jazz itself.

Homicide

Dear Mr. P.C.:

Lately I've been having frequent thoughts of killing my band. I don't expect to actually kill them all, but is there anything I can do to stop the thoughts?

—Homicidal Henry, Houston

Dear HHH:

Stopping those thoughts is the last thing you should do. By realizing your bandmates' deaths through fantasy, you satisfy the desire to actually kill them. The day you stop thinking about it is the day you become an imminent danger.

But for now, for your own safety, don't play any solo gigs!

Healing

Dear Mr. P.C.:

When you're playing for a crowd of sad people, is it better to play sad music or happy music?

—Downbeat or Upbeat Better?

Dear DUB:

You're assuming you can cheer them up, but unless they were already depressed when they got there, you're the very thing that bummed them out.

If you really want to cure their blues, you should just tactfully leave. Some say jazz has healing powers, and that's never more true than when you stop playing it.

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