Point, Geckos, and Scalefulness

Point

Dear Mr. P.C.:

One of our four band members consistently shows up late for rehearsal. While the rest of us do give him points for consistency, we find it irritating to stand around and wait for him to show up. What can we do to encourage him to be more punctual?

—Waiting in the Rehearsal Room

Dear Waiting:

Why give him points for consistency, then set out to destroy that consistency? Is it because you just don't like giving him points? Well, he obviously likes points, so he won't be in any hurry to give them up. After all, why do you think he keeps showing up late? Look outside the rehearsal room before your next practice, and you'll see him pacing the sidewalk, checking his watch, timing his late entrance, ready to pocket yet another batch of points for his expansive collection.

Your group dynamic right now is imperfect but stable, and that's probably the best you can hope for. Unfortunately, though, there's collateral damage: Points are a zero-sum game, so every point you feed him makes yet another jazz musician pointless.

Geckos

Dear Mr. P.C.:

A guy who plays sax in my band recently asked me if I've insured my hands (I'm a guitarist). Other than some mild tendonitis long ago, I've never had issues. And I'm careful to keep them out of harm's way when I'm not at a gig. Is insurance really worth it for me?

—Gecko Schmecko

Dear GS:

I think you misunderstood him. He was talking about liability insurance, which covers damage to third parties: your listeners and—he hopes—your bandmates.

Scalefulness

Dear Mr. P.C.:

I go to our local jazz club at least a couple of times a month. I've noticed that some musicians are soulful, but more are scaleful. Which is better?

—Dennis, Portland

Dear Dennis:

Can soul be quantified? Obviously not. But scales are easy to measure and fun to watch! The Scale Quadrathlon pits contestants against one another in a four-movement marathon:

Scale Races (most popular!)—who can play a scale the fastest!

Scale Difficulty (advanced!)—who can play the hardest scale!

Scale Rarity (weird!)—who knows the most obscure scale!

Scale Originality (creative!)—who can write the most complicated new scale!

Guess who finishes last every time, Dennis: Soul! Plucked from the depths of human experience and placed among superficial scale-thletes, it quickly sickens and concedes. And there's no end in sight: Since soul can't be taught, jazz education will just keep mining complex scales for their best usage—inflated tuition dollars.

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