The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued a warning of a sharp rise in an affliction its calling Nebulous Internet Disease, or NID.
This is the first disease actually transmitted over the internet. Through as-yet-unknown means, NID is transmitted directly over data lines, into computers and from there somehow infects the user.
The infection typically begins when the victim reads about an unusual affliction on a news site or current-events blog. Upon reading, the victim begins to experience one or more symptoms of that disease, typically minor symptoms such as a scratchy throat or slightly reddened area of skin.
Naturally, the victim wishes to learn more about the symptoms and will search medical websites for a list of possible causes. This exposes the victim to more symptoms, which are then acquired as before. This leads to more searching, and the disease continues to progress in a worsening spiral of minor symptoms. In extreme cases, the victim will be unable to leave the house, especially if they recently lost their job or got divorced.
Worse yet, sufferers typically become vectors for Nebulous Internet Disease, transmitting the disease to others through message boards, blogs and instant messages.
Researchers estimate that one person complaining of a symptom such as itchy eyebrows or unusually warm toes can potentially infect dozens with a single Twitter post. A recent outbreak of irregular fingernail growth at universities around the nation was traced back to a YouTube video wherein a young woman in her bra complains about nail care.
There are more than 2,000 recognized symptoms of Nebulous Internet Disease, but most sufferers only exhibit between two and 50. The most common are dry mouth, sore throat, runny nose, excessive salivation, fatigue, sleeplessness, change in sleep patterns, lack of change in sleep patterns, areas of raised skin, intermittent nausea, sore joints, anxiety about the length of this list of symptoms, tics, twitches, spasms, fear of spiders, the unshakable feeling that you forgot to do something but cant remember what it is, back pain, chest pain, neck pain, armpit pain, a fleeting sense of well-being and genital freckling.
While researchers are still not sure how Nebulous Internet Disease arose, they speculate that it is a virulent, mutated strain of Television Hospital Drama Syndrome, or possibly Prevention Magazine Disorder. While NID has only recently been diagnosed, the current scientific consensus is that patient zero was probably an early-90s Usenet poster.
The CDC is still considering how to prevent the spread of the disease, because it appears that taking precautions, such as using antibacterial lotion or wearing a breathing mask, only exacerbates the disease and leads to more symptoms. Until a treatment can be found, the CDC recommends isolating yourself from all sources of disease-related news and information, including this notice.
There are no documented cases of death from Nebulous Internet Disease, but CDC directors say they read on this one message board that this lady knows someone who says her son caught NID and just up and died with no warning at all.
Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a clinician, a physician and a beautician.
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