Marjorie Taylor Greene: Margie Shoot Your Gun

In a previously undisclosed mega-blockbuster deal that has sent Hollywood into orbit and spinning its wheels, it was announced today that congressional maverick Marjorie Taylor Greene and former president Donald Trump have agreed to co-star in an updated film version of Irving Berlin's beloved Wild West magnum opus Annie Get Your Gun, to be retitled (in honor of Ms Greene) Margie Shoot Your Gun.

The former president (whose singing voice as leading man Frank Butler will be dubbed by Roseanne Barr), said, "This is my chance to show the American people I'm more than a serial liar, habitual con man, brazen philanderer and the poorest loser who ever lived. At last, they can see the warmer side of Donald Trump. And that's the MAGA truth."

As for Ms Greene, feisty as ever, she said, "There was definitely a conspiracy to hand the role to Lauren Boebert—trust me, there's always a conspiracy—but I'm so much prettier (and faster on the draw) than Lauren that the producers soon realized that me playing Margie would literally be a no-brainer. In fact, 'no-brainer' was the exact term they used after my audition."

A source close to the production said negotiations were under way to sign Florida governor Ron DeSantis for the key role of Buffalo Bill, reasoning that "no one has buffaloed his voters and the public more frequently or effectively" than the governor. It was rumored that DeSantis' agreement rested in part on a guarantee that the opening verse to the love song "The Girl That I Marry" should include the words "must not be trans..."

Meanwhile, Trump and Greene are set to begin rehearsals in a matter of weeks while a team of writers works to update some of Berlin's memorable songs for the score.

Trump's solo numbers, it is said, will include an earnest tribute to Rudy Giuliani and Sydney Powell, "My Defenders Are Clowns"; a tender love song to wife Melania, "The Girl That I Cheat On"; a summary of his inbred ethics, "Lyin' Just Comes Naturally," and his conservative posture toward business and government in general: "An Old Fashioned Crime Boss."

For her part, Greene is tasked with singing one of Berlin's—and the musical theatre's—most unforgettable themes: "I Load My Gun in the Mornin,' Hunt Raccoons at Night..."

Her solos also include "I'm a QAnon Too" and a heartfelt salute to House speaker Kevin McCarthy, "I Got Mac in My Sights," while she and Trump come together for the amorous duet, "They Say That Telling the Truth Is Wonderful."

All of which leads to their marvelous Act II show-stopper, the playful give-and-take parody "Anything You Can Do," which never fails to elicit a standing ovation. As new lyrics for that one have already been written, we've received permission from the producers, director and stars to share them with you. Here is...

"Any Con You Can Do"

MARGIE
Any con you can do
I can do better
I can do any con better than you

FRANK
No you can't

MARGIE
Yes I can

FRANK
No you can't

MARGIE
Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can!

FRANK
Any lie you can tell
I can tell bigger
I can tell any lie bigger than you

MARGIE
By an inch?

FRANK
By a foot

MARGIE
By a yard?

FRANK
By a mile, by a mile, by a mile!

FRANK
I can spread a Big Lie
Better than that Kraut guy

MARGIE
I can plug Joe Biden
Even when he's hidin'

FRANK
I can hoodwink my own base

MARGIE
You'd lead 'em astray?

FRANK
And with a straight face!

MARGIE
Any wall you can build
I can build higher
I can build any wall higher than you

FRANK
Twenty feet?

MARGIE
Forty feet

FRANK
Fifty feet?

MARGIE
Any feet, every feet, I can beat!

FRANK
Any books you can ban
I can ban quicker
I can ban any books quicker than you

MARGIE
In a month?

FRANK
In a week

MARGIE
In a day?

FRANK
In a flash, in a flash, in a flash!

MARGIE
Any tax you can dodge
I can dodge cleaner
I can dodge any tax cleaner than you

FRANK
No you can't

MARGIE
Yes I can

FRANK
No you can't

MARGIE
Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can!

FRANK
I can call a huge mob
Keen on savin' my job

MARGIE
I can dump my hubby
For a stud named Bubby

FRANK
I can have my Twitter back

MARGIE
Would Elon do that?

FRANK
I know for a fac'!

MARGIE
Any plot you can weave
I can weave deeper
I can weave any plot deeper than you

FRANK
No you can't

MARGIE
Yes I can

FRANK
No you can't

MARGIE
Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can!

FRANK
Any vote you can steal
I can steal slicker
I can steal any vote slicker than you

MARGIE
From your aunt?

FRANK
From my bro'

MARGIE
No you can't

FRANK
Every vote, even those signed as "no!"

MARGIE
I can shoot a sparrow, though the gap is narrow

FRANK
I can send my taxes spinning on their axis
I can steal most anything...

MARGIE
Could you nab a spy?

FRANK
No

MARGIE
Neither could I

FRANK
Any name you can flub
I can flub worser
I can flub any name worser than you

MARGIE
No you can't

FRANK
Yes I can

MARGIE
No you can't

FRANK
Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can!

MARGIE
Any law you can break
I can break faster
I can break any law faster than you

FRANK
Yes you can

MARGIE
Yes I can?

FRANK
Yes you can

TOGETHER
Yes I can, yes you can, YES WE CAN!!!

Their comic duet leads to the inevitable happy ending (Frank avoids jail time, Margie gets to shoot her gun, they marry, Irving Berlin rolls over in his grave), after which the ensemble arrives onstage for the boisterous finale, "There's No Business Like Snow Business," as the happy couple kiss and ride off into the sunset. Look for it at a theatre near you, as Margie Shoot Your Gun promises to be one of the most spectacular blunders in the long and checkered history of American cinema.

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