CD Phobia, Italian Sunrise and The Dating Game

CD Phobia

Dear Mr. P.C.:

Whenever I listen to an old recording of myself and I sound good, it depresses me. Because in all the years I've spent practicing since I recorded it, have I even gotten better?

As for my last few CDs, I haven't even listened, because I'd probably be devastated. And I can't listen to the radio, because what if one of my tracks starts playing? What if I hated it without even realizing it was me?

Someone said I should see a shrink, and you're the closest thing. Is there something wrong with me?

—A.J., Atlanta

Dear A.J.:

Frankly, you seem awfully wrapped up in yourself. Would it be possible for you to despise some other musicians' work too? Then at least you'd have community.

Italian Sunrise

Dear Mr. P.C.:

I've been recently invited to play a trio gig at sunrise by the river, for few money and one hour by car from my place. Why people should listen to jazz at 7:00 am? Should I accept? And why did I actually do accept?

— Fine Only On Licks

Dear FOOL:

English is such a weird language, isn't it? And yet we English-speaking people expect everyone else to come to us on our turf; hardly fair. I acknowledge the privilege English affords me. I acknowledge the narrow worldview it condemns me to. And I acknowledge that this podium I have as a columnist, and all the power it affords me, are built on a crumbling, unsustainable mono-linguistic foundation.

If life were fair, I'd be able to answer you in Italian. But life isn't fair—not even remotely. That's why you were offered, and accepted, a low-paying gig at 7:00 am by the river. But is it really a river, or is it a canal? I thought Italy was just canals.

The Dating Game

Dear Mr. P.C.:

Everyone I play with tells me that instead of entering all my gigs in a datebook like I used to, I should just use my phone. So I call them to ask when my gigs are, but then they get annoyed. Seems like I can't win. Your thoughts? —Not For Tech

Dear NFT:

Of course they're getting annoyed—when you're tying up their phone, they can't make calls to find out when their gigs are.

The good news is that some phones nowadays actually have calendars built in! It's a complicated technology, though, and many questions remain. What happens if you're trying to enter a date and you get a busy signal? Are there roaming charges for dates that are far away? If your battery dies, do you lose all your gigs?

Most confusing of all is when a bandleader calls and asks you to put a date on hold. Unfortunately, the closest you can come is to put the call itself on hold, until the caller eventually hangs up in disgust. On the positive side, once that happens with enough bandleaders you won't need a datebook or a phone.

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