[Part two of Oliver Hall's magnificent “$ell Your Music With Prose" continues below. Part one is here]Emotions and the Chatechrestic Pitch According to a recent press release about a debut album that “has sunshine seeping through every note," the members of the band that made it “evoke a grand sense of nostalgia with their heartfelt melancholy." These guys don't just hope to take your money to make you feel sad, they really feel like shit about it! Hey, can they crash at your place after the show? Believe it or not, there are millions of young men and women eager to throw what funds they can scrounge, sponge, or sp'ange at the nearest person with a ratty sweater and a reedy plaint, but you first have to convince them that your singer is a total emotional basket case. Generally this is because a) the singer is so pure in heart but b) the world is so fucked-up.
One thing you will notice about the emotional sales pitch is that it tends to express itself in mixed metaphors. Do not ascribe this to carelessness on the writer's part: The emotional pitchman knows by instinct that a series of unlike images cascading before the mind's eye, dissolving one into another with terrifying, uncontrollable rapidity, mimics the mental state of religious ecstasy, as well as that of suicidal depression. As the pitchman spiels, Lucy's kaleidoscope eyes spin faster and faster until they turn into bottomless vortices that bore holes through hell: sale!
The press release for Damien Jurado's new album starts out by comparing Jurado's music to his old house “down the street," only now with an “exhilarating" new coat of paint that “makes the whole neighborhood shine." Though the musicians in his band must be tired after getting up early to ride the bus to his shit neighborhood, putting a fresh coat on his house, and huffing all that exhilarating paint, they prove a solid bunch of bros since next they one-up our Lord and “create a sky for the songs to fly in." Meanwhile, Jurado is a volcano (in the old house down the street? RUN!!!) spewing projectiles far more terrible than the ash of Eyjafjallajökull or the lava of Vesuvius, “words... full of hope" (RUN!!!). These words are so full of hope that the volcano undergoes a psychotic break, splitting into “two halves of himself" that have a dialogue in song about wanting to know what it is like to float. The producer then “ferries Jurado across the river, where the metamorphosis occurs" (which one?), “then ferries him back," where the ferryman produces a lens through which “we see Jurado not as a folk singer, but as a mystic."
After I finished reading this release, I spent four days and nights “relaxing" at Camarillo State Mental Hospital.
Adjectives
Most of the adjectives used to describe music are devoid of meaning, so they can be used interchangeably and without fear of internal or external contradiction. Usage laws are remarkably progressive at both state and federal levels in the USA, except in Delaware and Texas, where solecism is a crime punishable by hanging. Here is a short list of adjectives to get you started.
Acclaimed, angular, art-punk, awesome, Beach Boys, beautiful, brilliant, brittle, buzzed-about, buzzsaw, catchy, caustic, C86, celebratory, chugging, chunky, complex, contemplative, dark, deep, dense, eclectic, edgy, electric, electronic, emotionally charged, engaging, ethereal, evocative, explosive, expressive, exuberant, familiar, feathery, fierce, fractured, frenetic, friendly, funky, genre-busting, gorgeous, groundbreaking, gritty, hard, hard-hitting, haunting, heartfelt, heavenly, hip-shaking, honest, hook-laden, howling, impressionistic, indie-tronica, infectious, insane, intense, introspective, joyous, knotty, laid-back, lazy, legendary, lo-fi, luminous, lush, luxurious, melodic, mind-bending, moody, Morrissey-esque, off-kilter, organic, passionate, pensive, perfect, personal, playful, poignant, powerful, provocative, psych-electro-folk, psych-pop, pure, quirky, radiant, raw, refined, rich, rollicking, rough-hewn, screeching, seminal, shimmering, sinuous, snappy, soft, soothing, soulful, sparse, stirring, stripped-down, sultry, summery, swaggering, taut, tense, thundering, tight, timeless, tortured, trademark, twee, twisted, upbeat, usufructuary, visceral, warm, wistful, wrenching.
(Vice exclusive: Independent research by the guest editor of this issue has discovered a new adjective developed by market-research laboratories to promote Health's latest release. The PR industry's secret weapon this year is:
“BRANK"
(For example, you might say: “Lil Wyte's 'Leanin' off Dat Yurple' is set apart from the pack by angular rhythms, shimmering tones, and unabashedly brank hooks.")
One thing you will notice about the emotional sales pitch is that it tends to express itself in mixed metaphors. Do not ascribe this to carelessness on the writer's part: The emotional pitchman knows by instinct that a series of unlike images cascading before the mind's eye, dissolving one into another with terrifying, uncontrollable rapidity, mimics the mental state of religious ecstasy, as well as that of suicidal depression. As the pitchman spiels, Lucy's kaleidoscope eyes spin faster and faster until they turn into bottomless vortices that bore holes through hell: sale!
The press release for Damien Jurado's new album starts out by comparing Jurado's music to his old house “down the street," only now with an “exhilarating" new coat of paint that “makes the whole neighborhood shine." Though the musicians in his band must be tired after getting up early to ride the bus to his shit neighborhood, putting a fresh coat on his house, and huffing all that exhilarating paint, they prove a solid bunch of bros since next they one-up our Lord and “create a sky for the songs to fly in." Meanwhile, Jurado is a volcano (in the old house down the street? RUN!!!) spewing projectiles far more terrible than the ash of Eyjafjallajökull or the lava of Vesuvius, “words... full of hope" (RUN!!!). These words are so full of hope that the volcano undergoes a psychotic break, splitting into “two halves of himself" that have a dialogue in song about wanting to know what it is like to float. The producer then “ferries Jurado across the river, where the metamorphosis occurs" (which one?), “then ferries him back," where the ferryman produces a lens through which “we see Jurado not as a folk singer, but as a mystic."
After I finished reading this release, I spent four days and nights “relaxing" at Camarillo State Mental Hospital.
Adjectives
Most of the adjectives used to describe music are devoid of meaning, so they can be used interchangeably and without fear of internal or external contradiction. Usage laws are remarkably progressive at both state and federal levels in the USA, except in Delaware and Texas, where solecism is a crime punishable by hanging. Here is a short list of adjectives to get you started.
Acclaimed, angular, art-punk, awesome, Beach Boys, beautiful, brilliant, brittle, buzzed-about, buzzsaw, catchy, caustic, C86, celebratory, chugging, chunky, complex, contemplative, dark, deep, dense, eclectic, edgy, electric, electronic, emotionally charged, engaging, ethereal, evocative, explosive, expressive, exuberant, familiar, feathery, fierce, fractured, frenetic, friendly, funky, genre-busting, gorgeous, groundbreaking, gritty, hard, hard-hitting, haunting, heartfelt, heavenly, hip-shaking, honest, hook-laden, howling, impressionistic, indie-tronica, infectious, insane, intense, introspective, joyous, knotty, laid-back, lazy, legendary, lo-fi, luminous, lush, luxurious, melodic, mind-bending, moody, Morrissey-esque, off-kilter, organic, passionate, pensive, perfect, personal, playful, poignant, powerful, provocative, psych-electro-folk, psych-pop, pure, quirky, radiant, raw, refined, rich, rollicking, rough-hewn, screeching, seminal, shimmering, sinuous, snappy, soft, soothing, soulful, sparse, stirring, stripped-down, sultry, summery, swaggering, taut, tense, thundering, tight, timeless, tortured, trademark, twee, twisted, upbeat, usufructuary, visceral, warm, wistful, wrenching.
(Vice exclusive: Independent research by the guest editor of this issue has discovered a new adjective developed by market-research laboratories to promote Health's latest release. The PR industry's secret weapon this year is:
“BRANK"
(For example, you might say: “Lil Wyte's 'Leanin' off Dat Yurple' is set apart from the pack by angular rhythms, shimmering tones, and unabashedly brank hooks.")
