The Trump Files

Ex-prez Donald has a spread, e-i-e-i-o
And on that spread he has a flake, e-i-e-i-o
With a Rudy here and a Giuli there
Here a Rude, there a Rude, everywhere a Rude Dude
Ex-prez Donald has a spread, e-i-e-i-o

Ex-prez Donald has a spread, e-i-e-i-o
And on that spread he has a clown, e-i-e-i-o
With a Matt Gaetz here and a Matt Gaetz there
Here a Matt, there a Matt, everywhere a Matt Gaetz
And a Rude Dude here and a Rude Dude there
Ex-prez Donald has a spread, e-i-e-i-o

Ex-prez Donald has a spread, e-i-e-i-o
And on that spread he has an aide, e-i-e-i-o
With a Mark Mark here and a Meadows there
Here a Mark, there a Mark, everywhere a Mark Mark
And a Matt Gaetz here and a Matt Gaetz there
And a Rude Dude here and a Rude Dude there
Ex-prez Donald has a spread, e-i-e-i-o

Ex-prez Donald has a spread, e-i-e-i-o
And on that spread he has a kook, e-i-e-i-o
With a Sidney here and a Sidney there
Here a Sid, there a Sid, everywhere a Sid Powell
And a Mark Mark here and a Mark Mark there
And a Matt Gaetz here and a Matt Gaetz there
And a Rude Dude here and a Rude Dude there
Ex-prez Donald has a spread, e-i-e-i-o

Ex-prez Donald has a spread, e-i-e-i-o
And on that spread he has a shill, e-i-e-i-o
With a Mike Mike here and a Lindell there
Here a Mike, there a Mike, everywhere a Mike Mike
And a Sid Powell here and a Sid Powell there
And a Mark Mark here and a Mark Mark there
And a Matt Gaetz here and a Matt Gaetz there
And a Rude Dude here and a Rude Dude there
Ex-prez Donald has a spread, e-i-e-i-o

Ex-prez Donald has a spread, e-i-e-i-o
And on that spread he has a tool, e-i-e-i-o
With a Devin here and a Nunes there
Here a Dev, there a Dev, everywhere a Dev Dev
And a Mike Mike here and a Mike Mike there
And a Sid Powell here and a Sid Powell there
And a Mark Mark here and a Mark Mark there
And a Matt Gaetz here and a Matt Gaetz there
And a Rude Dude here and a Rude Dude there

Ex-prez Donald has a spread

(all together now)

December 23, 2021

Season's greetings, everyone, on this lovely eve before Christmas eve! Let's get right down to brass tacks:

Former president Donald ("biggest crowd ever!") Trump and former Fox News pitchman Bill ("I'm wearing only a smile!") O'Reilly decided to call their recent four-stop ego trip the History Tour after considering and discarding a handful of more apt and accurate names including the Fox and Chicken Tour, Hyperbole and Humbug Tour, KFC and Ham Tour, Gibbering Geezers Tour, Trump and Toady Tour, Nonsensical Has-Beens Tour, and Sexual Predators Tour. Choosing to call the four-event exercise in balderdash the History Tour wasn't too far from the mark, however, as many Americans' fondest wish is that Trump and O'Reilly may soon be history.

O'Reilly, who has been busy cranking out historical novels by the carload since he was jettisoned for misbehavior by, of all companies, Fox News (how bad would that have to be?), handled much of the archival discourse during the Tour, as Trump's remembrance of history (aside from his own) reaches back only as far as November 3, 2020. From that point on, however, he is absolutely certain, recalling in minute detail how unscrupulous (and unnamed) Democrats "stole" the presidential election from him, and how he has "proven" beyond any doubt that it was widespread fraud, and definitely not the will of the American people, that caused his downfall.

Trump's sycophants, most if not all of whom have heard that song before, chose to stay home in droves, and empty seats were conspicuous at every site including Houston, TX, where the former dawdler-in-chief arrived two hours later than scheduled, citing "inclement weather." Trump posted a message on the Twitter account of aide Liz Harrington that read "airport opened, landing now," even though there were no reports that Houston's George Bush International or William P. Lobby airports were closed that day. Of course that claim must have been erroneous, as Trump would never lie to his coterie of loyal "patriots."

In fact, the truth is of such paramount importance to the former dissembler-in-chief that he occasionally allows a kernel of it to pass his lips and land on his spacious cummerbund. But as he learned in Dallas, that can be harmful to the psyche, as those he has misled for more than five years since his election have been so thoroughly brainwashed that no one—even their glorious and dearly loved leader—is free from denunciation. When Trump responded with a truthful answer—"yes"—to O'Reilly's question about whether he had received a Covid booster shot, the audience responded not with its usual applause but a chorus of boos, shaking Trump to his core. O'Reilly later said he had to console his disheartened buddy, telling him "it's good that people see another side of you, not a political side." To which Trump responded: "Really? You mean there IS another side?" O'Reilly assured him there was, even if Trump hadn't noticed it himself. Then, for reasons only he can fathom, O'Reilly, who has written about such bona fide presidents as George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and John F Kennedy, encouraged Trump to run again in 2024. "He may be a moron," O'Reilly must have reasoned, "but at least he's MY moron."

Meanwhile...

I've been so busy during the holiday season that I blush to admit I've blown the chance to add my name to the Official Trump Christmas Card; purchase his Save America Christmas ornaments ($75.00 each—in the image of a MAGA hat), Christmas wrapping paper ($35.00—with Trump's face on every square foot), Let's Go Brandon! doormats ($62.00) or 2022 calendar ($45); contribute to the Protect Our Elections fund ($45.00); enter sweepstakes to have dinner with Trump or join him backstage at his next rally; or secure an Official 2022 Trump Founding Membership ($35.00 and up). It's often hard to do such things, no matter how essential, when you're given only an hour or two to respond. Maybe next year...

So in the spirit of the season, Merry Christmas to all! (even to Republicans in Wisconsin)...and to all a good night.

January 3, 2022

Welcome to 2022, everyone! Here is a brief foretaste of what is to come in the new year:

No matter how brightly the sun shines on Mar-a-Lago, it's a sure bet you'll find former president Donald ("nothing to see here") Trump in a place that is uncommonly dark and shady. As an example of how to turn a sunny day ominous, we present for your consideration the latest "enterprise" by the Trump Media & Technology Group (TMTG), introduced by one of his representatives at a meeting of potential investors:

"Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the unveiling of TMTG's fantastic new media platform, Truth Social. My name is Devious Q. Shyster, and I'll be sharing with you our financial design, which, as you can see from our power point slides, we estimate could reach eighty-one million users by 2026 and generate $13.50 per user in average revenue..."

"Mr. Shyster, as you've mentioned revenue, exactly what product will you be selling?"

"Well, it's not a product in the usual sense of the word; it's more a concept..."

"And what might that concept be?"

"Well, to be frank, we simply ask subscribers to send us money...and they send us money..."

"And in return...?"

"In return, they become registered members of Truth Social...and may also be given some leftover Christmas ornaments, wrapping paper, pint glasses, Trump 2022 calendars, MAGA hats, things like that..."

"And for this they pay what?"

"As I said, by 2026 we estimate that the average fish...and we expect to have reeled in about eighty-one million by then...will generate about $13.50 per user, an income of close to $10 billion, which would make Truth Social a viable competitor to Netflix and other media platforms."

"But Netflix offers movies..."

"Yes, but that's not the point. Unlike Netflix, Twitter, Facebook and so on, Truth Social will give true patriots a chance to help save America from the left-wing, socialist parasites who have been undermining our country's foundations and laying waste to our cherished democratic institutions..."

"And how would that be done?"

"Well, for one thing, we'd have more money than they have. A lot more. And as you know (and the Supreme Court has affirmed), money talks, especially in politics..."

"So Truth Social should have money, which we'll admit is a good start. But what about infrastructure?"

"Our infrastructure, as you'll see in slide 17, isn't quite in place yet. We still have some work to do to flesh it out..."

"Well, do you have ANY employees?"

"Yes, we have one—our CEO, former congressman Devin Nunes, who abandoned a brilliant career as a dairy farmer to enter politics..."

"Dairy farmer?"

"Yes, I know that may sound odd at first blush, but actually it serves as a perfect springboard to Truth Social, as no one should be better prepared than a dairy farmer to milk the livestock we have in mind..."

"To sum up, you have no product, no organization, no strategy, almost no employees..."

"That's true—but we have something even better: an agreement to go public through a merger with Digital World Acquisition Corporation...!"

"Digital World? What exactly is that?..."

"It's what is known as a SPAC, a Special Purpose Acquisition Company."

"And what is that special purpose?"

"Basically, the idea is to find suitable merger partners and help bring private companies public."

"And how is that working out?"

"Brilliantly! Since we announced the merger, Digital World's stock has gone through the roof. Last week's closing price implies a valuation of about $10.5 billion once the merger is complete. We're in the money...!"

"But wait! You still have no product to offer, no structure in place, no plan going forward, and your power point display gives only the first names and last initials of your technology team, sort of like testimonials in ads for psoriasis or anti-aging formulas..."

"Yes, and that's the sheer beauty of Truth Social! No one knows who we are, what we have to offer, how we plan to move ahead, what our goals are...no wonder we're valued at more than $10 billion! In these days of high tech, low IQs and bitcoin, it's the perfect business plan!"

"But do you actually have a plan in mind?"

"Of course. As you'll see in slide 35, TMTG 'aspires to create a media powerhouse to rival the liberal media consortium and fight back against the "Big Tech" companies of Silicon Valley who have used their unilateral power to silence opposing voices in America.'"

"And you will do that how?"

"Aha! NOW you're getting the idea. That's our secret! It's what makes TMTG so great, and worth every penny invested! No one—not even the former president, whose idea this was—knows what we have in mind or how we plan to move forward. No one knows who works for us, or what our employees do. Almost no one knows what a SPAC is. Even the names of our investors are top-secret! With a plan like that, we can't possibly go wrong!"

"So what you're saying is that secrecy itself is the secret ingredient in Truth Social's success?"

"Yes, that—and transparency, of course!"

E-I-E-I-O!!!!

January 7, 2022

Well, we made it through another January 6... and the star-spangled banner still waves...

About a month ago I logged on to former president Donald (square-dealer) Trump's "Save America" web site, in part to see what the Prince of Darkness was up to and in greater part to glean ideas for The Trump Files. Since then I have been bombarded daily by a series of the most craven and outlandish pleas for money I have ever seen, and that includes every Ponzi scheme and boiler room scam one could ever imagine. One of the most absurd—and hilarious—entreaties arrived in my inbox this week, from no less than Donald Trump Jr.

According to Donnie, he was "going through [Trump's] CONFIDENTIAL donor files (as if he has nothing better to do), and I was identified "as one of my father's TOP supporters in 2021." (The fact, of course, is that I have never, nor would I ever, give that narcissistic, power-mad screwball and serial liar one penny of my hard-earned money). After noting my e-mail address under "TOP SUPPORTER" to "prove" what he said was true, Donnie went on to write that "having enough cash on hand is essential to SAVING AMERICA from Joe Biden and his liberal cronies." And so, "I have convinced my father to EXTEND your PERSONAL 700%-IMPACT offer for 1 MORE DAY." After that, "it could permanently expire."

In other words, Friend (everyone who collects such garbage is referred to as "Friend"), before you have a chance to think about it, ACT NOW! I almost expected Donnie to add, "But wait! There's more! If you reply within the next ten minutes, we'll throw in a FREE MAGA hat (for the mere cost of postage and handling—only $49.95)."

This is, as noted, only one among a shitload of pleas for money mass-mailed like clockwork every day to "Patriots" whose goal (it is hoped) is to SAVE AMERICA from those dastardly Democrats and help His Highness line his pockets while he decides whether he'll do them the favor of running again in 2024. It's called chicanery, "Friend," and it answers to other names as well—deception, swindling, duplicity, hocus-pocus, double-dealing, knavery, fraud, hypocrisy, subterfuge, trickery—these are only some among many. And we mustn't overlook one of the most insidious names of all—trumpery (look it up).

Luckily—for some, at least—each of these bogus entreaties comes with its own brightly colored red flag, a flag that many people are aware of and have used to escort chicanery to the nearest exit. Others, however, either haven't seen the flags or have failed to apprehend their meaning. It is for their benefit that we present the following primer on the "red flags of chicanery." The fact that they are all being flown proudly at former president Trump's "Save America" web site is purely coincidental (insert smiley face here).

Red Flag 1: YOU ARE REALLY SPECIAL! Visitors to Trump's "Save America" scam (pardon, web site) aren't like ordinary Americans: they are PATRIOTS! Trump knows every one of them by name (even though he addresses them as "Friend," so as not to show favoritism to anyone), and he is greatly disappointed when they don't respond to his repeated appeals for money. For example: "You've always been one of my most LOYAL supporters..." (not true, of course, but when has that ever stood in Trump's way). Odds are, however, that many of his "loyal supporters" will see and respond to the mass-produced message, thinking they are somehow "special," which is the whole idea. Red flag? That's basically its definition. So please try not to fall for this one:

"Friend, I want to give YOU one of my FAVORITE MAGA Hats. You've always been one of my most LOYAL supporters, so I don't want you to have just ANY hat...I want you to have the ONLY MAGA Hat that I HAND-SIGNED. This HAND-SIGNED MAGA Hat is truly one-of-a-kind, and I can't think of anyone more deserving of it than YOU, Friend." (Yes, Trump's "hand-signed" MAGA hat is reserved for YOU, Friend. All you have to do to claim it is send any amount to his bank account and join millions of other schnooks who have been hoodwinked into believing the hat has been earmarked for THEM. And why shouldn't they? They've received the same mass-produced solicitation that you have, "Friend").

"Friend, Christmas is just around the corner and president Trump wants to do something special for YOU! For a short time, when you make a contribution of $75, we'll send you one of our ICONIC Trump Save America Christmas Ornaments for FREE. This offer is available to you for ONE HOUR, Friend. After that, you may never get another chance to receive a FREE Trump Save America Christmas Ornament." (And if it seems like the "free" ornament is actually costing you $75, that's simply a matter of bookkeeping, and should be of no concern to you.)

"Friend, this is your chance. It's almost Christmas and we want YOU to sign president Trump's Official Christmas Card. This is the ONLY Official Trump Christmas Card, and when you sign your name, you can even leave him a short note to read. We want to get 1 MILLION Patriots to sign the Official Trump Christmas Card." (And then sit back and imagine him reading all those "short notes.")

Red Flag 2: ACT NOW! The last thing chicanery needs or wants is for its pigeons to have enough time to think twice about what they are doing. Some samples from the Save America site: "In 1 HOUR, I'm going to check a list with the names of every Patriot who contributed to this e-mail. I'll be looking for YOURS, Friend." "This offer is available to you for ONE HOUR, Friend. After that, you may never get a chance to receive a FREE Trump Save America Christmas Ornament." "I'm reviewing a list of EVERY AMERICAN who signs their name first thing TOMORROW morning and I want to see YOUR NAME. Don't let me down."

Also, "We're showing president Trump ALL responses in 1 HOUR." "LAST CHANCE. This is it. We WON'T TEXT YOU AGAIN. We need YOU to activate your 2021 Trump Founding Membership before it's TOO LATE." "The deadline to submit your response has been extended by 1 hour." (And there's absolutely no pressure, Friend—as long as you ACT NOW!).

Red Flag 3: MAKE IT PERSONAL! When in doubt, just don't let me down. Again, from Save America: "I know YOU always believed in me and will ALWAYS stand with me, which is why I am calling on you now to step up and publicly show your support." (Yes, it will cost you, but surely I'm worth it.) "President Trump extended this invitation to you personally, because he knows you've always had his back in the past, so why haven't you stepped up this time? This isn't like you, Friend." (Actually, it is like me, but we'll let that pass.)

Red Flag 4: HAVE WE GOT A DEAL FOR YOU! From the horse's mouth (or some other cavity): "My team just hand-picked the photos for our Official 2022 Trump Calendar and I want YOU to have one. I can only hold your 2022 Trump Calendar for a short time before I give it to the next Patriot in line. Get yours now before it's too late." Can he top that? Well, let's see: "We need to ask you something. Are you going to enter to win dinner with president Trump in Florida? The president saw the list of Patriots who have already entered and he noticed that your name was MISSING. (See? We TOLD you he knows every Patriot by name!) At first, he couldn't believe his eyes, but we told him there was no mistake and that you really haven't entered yet." "Friend, I just got out of a meeting with my team to discuss an upcoming dinner in FLORIDA, and I told them I wanted to invite YOU to join me. This isn't any ordinary trip, Friend. This is a very exclusive roundtable dinner with VIP guests, and I can't think of anyone I'd rather share this special evening with than YOU. My team will cover the cost of your flight, hotel AND meal. All you have to do is contribute $25 or more and you'll automatically be entered to win this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." (As it turns out, the fine print says the dinner is with senators Lindsey Graham, Tim Scott and Rick Scott, but Trump's heart is in the right place and he's sorry he'll be golfing that evening.)

Another doozy: "Friend, did you see my e-mail? I'm giving YOU the chance to INCREASE your IMPACT from 550% to 650%. Please contribute ANY AMOUNT IMMEDIATELY and your gift will be INCREASED by 650%! (But please don't ask for a list of guarantors.)

Red Flag 5: YOU'RE A WINNER! "Friend, you have won an OFFICIAL 2022 Trump Calendar! This offer ends soon. Other Patriots claimed theirs and now president Trump wants YOU to have one too. Contribute $45 or more NOW to get your Official 2022 Trump calendar." (Yes, Friend, you have "WON" an official Trump calendar—and so has every other "Patriot" who is empty-headed enough to kick in $45 or more! If that sounds like they are simply selling calendars for $45—or more—per calendar, well...)

Red Flag 6: THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT! From Don Jr.: "Friend, this could not be more important. The 2022 Midterm Elections are coming up and my father needs YOUR input on his 2022 agenda. He knows that input from a great Patriot like you is crucial to help Republicans SAVE AMERICA. DO NOT wait to take the Official 2022 Trump Agenda Survey. I've been told that only the first 100 responses will be viewed by my father." (This is followed, of course, by the usual information about the "entry fee.")

And from dad: "Friend, this is HUGE. In just 3 days, I will be making a MAJOR announcement and I want YOU to be the first to know about it. You have always been an incredible Patriot who has been by my side, Friend. That's why I'm giving you my trust. The ONLY way to find out about this EPIC announcement (besides watching Fox News) is by joining my Official Trump Announcement Priority List, but I was just told your name isn't on it. Friend, you have the opportunity to be the first to know about this major announcement but you need to hurry. You ONLY have until MIDNIGHT TONIGHT to join my Official Trump Announcement Priority List." (The HUGE announcement, of course, never came; still, I can't help wondering how many "Patriots" fell for that scam?)

Red Flag 7: SHOW YOUR LOYALTY! "Friend, do you still check this e-mail? We've e-mailed you a few times now but haven't heard back...This is far worse than anyone thought, and it's all because of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. It's important that EVERY American comes together at a time like this to send a united message that we will not stand for their blatant AMERICA LAST agenda any longer. I'm calling on YOU to make a public statement and add your name to stand with me against Joe Biden and Kamala Harris' AMERICA LAST AGENDA. Please add your name IMMEDIATELY to stand with me against Joe and Kamala's RADICAL agenda." (To ascertain the cost of your "loyalty," please read the fine print.)

Red Flag 8: SEND IN THE CLOWNS! "Friend, I e-mailed you. My son, Don, e-mailed you. Kimberly Guilfoyle e-mailed you. Team Trump e-mailed you. And now I'm e-mailing you [again]." From Don Jr.: "Don't miss out on this incredible opportunity to sign my father's Official Trump Christmas Card. Friend, if you want my father to see your name and note you need to act IMMEDIATELY. We only have a few spots left for our TOP Patriots on the Official Trump Christmas Card. Will you step up and claim your spot? Add your name and note IMMEDIATELY to the Official Trump Christmas Card to make sure my father sees it."

Also from Don Jr.: "Friend, my father has just offered YOU an exclusive deal. For just $40 (marked down from $50) you can claim (1) of our Official Trump Christmas Stockings. I need to make sure you know, Friend, that these Official Trump Christmas Stockings are flying off the shelves (no doubt on the wings of those $40 contributions). That means our team cannot hold yours past TODAY. Please contribute $40 TODAY to reserve your Official Trump Christmas Stocking." (And we'll make sure you are hung by the chimney with care.)

Red Flag 9: IF ALL ELSE FAILS, TRY IRONY! "President Trump is calling on YOU to donate to the Protect Our Elections Fund. With your help, we'll defend our elections from the lying Left and WIN BIG in 2022 and then again in 2024."

These "exclusive offers" represent only a sampling of the shameful hucksterism and utter hogwash that spews forth on a daily basis from Trump's "Save America" web site. Not a word here has been made up (our comments are for the most part in parentheses). And that strange odor spreading through your living quarters? Nothing to be concerned about—it's simply the rancid smell of snake oil in the air. Apparently, everything The Donald touches is for sale. Thank goodness, that removes Melania from the shelf.

The one thing all these "tremendous once-in-a-lifetime" deals have in common is that each one is accompanied by a huge red flag (sometimes more than one). Fortunately for Trump in his endless quest for ill-gotten gains, his "Loyal Patriots" are irredeemably color-blind. Red flags? Fake news! These Patriots want a "leader" they can "trust"—which is exactly what ex-president Barnum is counting on. Every "Patriot," every "Friend" is someone "special" to him. At least, that's what each sitting duck is led to conclude.

Do they really believe those mass-produced automated messages, no doubt written and distributed by a sub-contracted company that specializes in churning out such deceptive correspondence, are meant for their eyes only? Apparently, many of them do. After all, they have developed a "personal relationship" with their glorious leader, so close that he wants to share a dinner with them at Mar-a-Lago. He said so himself! It doesn't get more personal than that. And one thing Trump would never do is lie to them! And in this case, technically speaking, they are right. Donald Trump isn't lying to his "Friends"—he is paying others to do that for him.

Even though almost all "Save America" premises and promises are outright lies, Trump's hands are clean. He neither knows nor cares about what is said or written on his behalf; he cares only about how much income "Save America" generates. The guess here is that the income is enormous—enough to make Bernie Madoff green with envy. On the brighter side, it may even be enough to ensure that Trump never has to run for president again. And why should he? The con, as long as it lasts, is even more lucrative and certainly far easier than trying to govern a country—even for someone who treats such governing as a part-time job. On the other hand, the Oval Office does afford some "protection" for those who are running a step or two ahead of the law. That's something Trump will have to weigh as he seeks even more devious and profitable ways to "Save America.

January 10, 2022

I never thought I'd live long enough to see a president so inept and unprincipled that he would make me wish that George W Bush were still in the White House.

Then along came Trump.

I never imagined the law of averages would be so skewed after more than 240 years of democracy that Americans would somehow elect a village idiot as president.

Then along came Trump.

I never thought there'd be a president so cowardly he wouldn't fight for his country and yet so guileful he could convince millions of Americans he was the "strongman" they needed to lead them.

Then along came Trump.

I never thought I'd see a president who would lie so glibly and so often that the few times he didn't lie would make headline news.

Then along came Trump.

I never imagined that a president who'd been married three times, had numerous extramarital affairs and was caught on tape making disparaging remarks about women's anatomy and his vulgar attitude toward women in general would be accepted by evangelical Christians as their political lord and savior.

Then along came Trump.

I never imagined I would hear a president say he was the "least racist" person on earth while praising white supremacists and their allies at every opportunity.

Then along came Trump.

I never thought there'd be a president who could persuade many Americans that their allies were adversaries and their foes were really their friends.

Then along came Trump.

I never envisioned a president so deranged yet hypnotic that he could transform otherwise rational Americans into mindless cult members who would happily drink whatever Kool-Aid he offered.

Then along came Trump.

I never imagined a president who would brush aside time-honored prohibitions against nepotism and emoluments to enrich himself and his family at taxpayers' expense.

Then along came Trump.

I never envisioned a president so hapless when facing a global crisis that he would ignore science and encourage Americans to ingest Clorox instead.

Then along came Trump.

I never thought I'd see a president who was such a smooth and remarkable con man he could convince millions of Americans that he actually won an election he lost by a landslide.

Then along came Trump.

I never thought there would be a president whose narcissism was so deeply ingrained that he would be unable to admit even the possibility of defeat, no matter how clearly every impartial survey proved he was a loser.

Then along came Trump.

I never imagined I would see a former president, more than a year after losing the popular vote by more than seven million, continue to push the Big Lie that the election was somehow "stolen" by his opponents and that he should be reinstalled as the legitimate officeholder.

Then along came Trump.

I never thought a president could sit idly by watching TV for more than three hours while an unruly and bloodthirsty mob attacked the US Capitol building, assaulting police and sending members of congress fleeing for their lives in an attempt to subvert a legitimate election on his behalf.

Then along came Trump.

I never imagined that a former president, spurned by voters, could rule his party with such an inflexible grip that no one would dare challenge or contradict him.

Then along came Trump.

And it never occurred to me that a former president would spend most of his waking hours planning a return to power, using every means at his disposal to make sure that everyone in his orbit is dedicated to the proposition that the will of the people will not be decisive next time, and that he will be re-elected president regardless of how Americans cast their ballots on election day 2024.

I hope that has occurred to you.

January 18, 2022

"Hello. America's favorite president speaking."

"Daddy?"

"Oh, hi, sweetie pie. What's on your mind?"

"Daddy, I'm scared..."

"Scared? Scared of what, honey lamb?"

"Donnie and I have been subpoeanaed in New York."

"Subpoeanaed? Is that all?"

"But daddy, we may have to testify..."

"Relax, tasty buns. You're a Trump! Subpoenas mean nothing to us. We slice them up, pour on some milk and eat them for breakfast..."

"But daddy, what if they get a warrant and force us to meet with them...?"

"Look, the worst that can happen is you have to give a deposition under oath. It may be a bit uncomfortable but being a Trump, your genetic makeup should kick in and allow you to say some things that seem plausible but are really nothing but flat-out lies."

"And they'll never catch on?"

"Well, they've never caught on to me, sugar lips, and I've been doing it for years."

"It still makes me uneasy, knowing I may have to lie under oath...What if Donnie or I should slip and tell the truth?"

"Look, yummy limbs, I'm trying to tell you that lying comes with the name. It's the Trump brand. Patented and copyrighted. No one in the Trump family ever tells the truth. I thought you'd have learned that by now..."

"Yes, I do know that, daddy, and I try my best to follow your example... but still, I'm nervous about having to face those lawyers in New York. I've heard they can be really rough and set unexpected traps. Maybe Donnie and I should plead the fifth...?"

"If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?"

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, juicy fruits...I was just recalling something I said about six years ago when some of Hillary's aides floated the same idea... It doesn't apply to us."

"So it's okay if we do it?"

"Only the mob takes the Fifth."

"Come again?"

"Nothing, sweetie—just something else I said about Hillary's gang of thieves. Popped into my head for no reason. Has nothing to do with how I feel now about taking the Fifth..."

"That's good—but daddy, don't you ever worry?"

"Worry about what, tasty lips?"

"Well, about all those nasty lawsuits..."

"No, sweetie-pie, I never worry about them. I have lawyers to do that for me. When a lawsuit goes to court, we simply ask for a delay. If there's a decision we appeal it. That's how the system works. Sooner or later the prosecution's lawyers run out of options, get tired and throw in the towel. But even if they don't, we simply keep delaying and delaying until 2024 when I'll be in charge again. And when I'm president they can't lay a hand on me. I simply hide behind the Constitution I'm trying to demolish."

"Daddy, you really are the smartest man ever. But how do you know you'll be president again in 2024?"

"That's the easiest question you've asked yet, honey buns. First, I start screaming 'fraud' months before the election, to let everyone know the only way I lose is if the election is rigged. Almost worked the last time; it will work in '24."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because this time I have a Plan B. And—lucky for me—it's foolproof. Last time out I made the mistake of complaining about who CAST the votes. Next time I'll make sure it's my FRIENDS who COUNT the votes! By '24 I'll have replaced those traitors who refused to back me and overturn the election with people I can count on to 'find' enough votes to win no matter what the voters say. And once I'm back I'll be back to stay, baby. No more 'two-term limits.' I'll have my buddies at the Supreme Court take care of that. And after they do, I'll simply abolish the Supreme Court. And if Congress gives me any flak I'll deal them the same way, just like my mentor Adolph did in '33...And there'll be no more Fifth Amendment rights either."

"You seem to have it all planned..."

"Yes, I do, spicy thighs—and it's easier than I thought it would be, thanks to some help from my 'new' friends, Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema, who are making sure we'll have no trouble at the polls. Even though she's a sleazy Democrat, I must say that Sinema is one of the most gifted politicians in congress; nothing she says makes any sense at all. There are times I could almost swear it was me talking. I wish every senator bypassed the issues that well. I think I may endorse her for re-election..."

"Well, I'm glad I called, daddy. You make me feel so much better..."

"Happy to help, honey dew. Now put on a happy face and go sell that merchandise—the purses, the clothing, the jewelry, whatever. And remember that when daddy returns to the White House, you'll be first in line for the office of prime minister."

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