The Trump Files

Losing the 2020 presidential election, it seems, was a part of God's brilliant plan, even though Trump apparently never got the message and still claims that he won. Grifter-man is far more able, Enlow says, to vanquish such evil-doers as George Soros, Bill and Melinda Gates, and the (once-formidable) Rothschild cabal from his vantage point in Florida. "While people are looking at who's in Biden's seat—you know, the traditional presidential seat," the "prophet" sermonized on talk radio, "believe me, that's not the power position..." No, he says, the "real power" resides at Mar-a-Lago, and Trump is there only because "it would have been harder" for the world's newest and most powerful super-hero to conquer the forces of chaos and infamy while "staying seated in the other seat." Which doesn't quite explain why prophet Enlow still buys into Trump's nonsensical assertion that the 2020 election was "rigged" and/or "stolen" from him.

If I am reading Enlow's argument correctly, Trump is at Mar-a-Lago solely because God wants him there, but he's only there because the election was "stolen" from his grasp. Does that mean God stole the election? While Enlow works that one out, we should add that while it may seem strange for Donald Trump, of all people, to be the "chosen one," God hasn't always made the obvious choices. Moses, it is said, may have been a stutterer, and the Buddha had an obvious weight problem. While Trump hasn't read the Bible from cover to cover, he has at least read the cover—even though it was upside down during a rather disastrous photo op. Reason enough, however, to earn the archangels' seal of approval.

If Enlow is correct (and who could possibly doubt his logic?), the assignment God has given Trump is by no means an easy one. It could drag on for years, even disrupting any plans the blockhead of Oz may have harbored to run for re-election in 2024. A dismal prospect, it's true, but one for which we may all utter a heartfelt...

"amen."

In other news...

Even as Trump remains ensconced in his Florida bunker, Republicans from coast to coast are taking dead aim at their Democratic rivals, in some cases quite literally. For example, in Florida, Oklahoma and Iowa, GOP-led legislatures have passed laws that would allow citizens to use their cars or trucks as battering rams to "disperse" protesters who are blocking a street and may "pose a danger" by accelerating through any crowd (of three or more) without being held criminally or civilly liable. As with Florida's widely applauded "stand your ground" law, what could possibly go wrong? Upon receiving the news, Wall Street stocks in caskets and body bags skyrocketed.

Oh, and in Florida it's now a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in prison and a $5,000 fine for anyone who obstructs a public street during a protest. Well, that should help level the playing field.

And in other (good) news...

Although the wheels of justice too often turn slowly, there are times when the outcome is almost worth the wait...

For more than a decade, former Buffalo, New York police officer Cariol Horne had insisted she was wrongly fired for trying to stop a white colleague from applying a choke hold to a handcuffed suspect who was black. Last week, after years of litigation and denial, a judge finally agreed, vacating Horne's dismissal and ordering the department to award her back pay and restore the full pension she was just short of earning. Horne used the press conference announcing the decision to call attention to Cariol's Law, drafted with the aid of attorneys, which requires police to step in when a colleague is using unreasonable force. The law was recently passed in Buffalo; a shame it wasn't on the books in Minneapolis on May 25, 2020.

As state Supreme Court judge Dennis Ward noted in his decision, although "the George Floyds of the world never had a chance for a 'do-over,' at least here the correction can be made."

Let's have one more "amen," please.

May 7, 2021

"The Fraudulent Presidential Election of 2020 will, from this day forth, be known as THE BIG LIE!"—Donald J Trump, May 2021

Is former president Donald Trump lying when he insists he "won" the 2020 election only to have it "stolen" from him by corrupt election officials controlled by Democrats?

Unless and until some proof is offered to support that preposterous assertion (none has been presented so far), the answer must be an unqualified "yes."

Does that mean that the former charlatan-in-chief is a liar?

Not necessarily.

But, as anyone with a working intellect may undoubtedly ask, how can that be? Lying is Trump's modus operandi, his way of life; he should have a patent on it!

While it's true that lying comes as naturally to Trump as breathing does to everyone else, please bear with me for a moment, as the affirmation of Trump's plausibility as a liar is somewhat more nebulous than it may seem. Consider this:

"A lie," according to definition, "is an assertion that is believed to be false, typically used for the purpose of deceiving someone." In other words, "a false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood." Thus, a liar is by definition "a person who tells lies."

Even though that description fits Donald Trump to a T (as in Trump University), remember that the dictionary also says a lie "is an assertion that is believed to be false."

The fact is, Donald Trump isn't aware that the statements he makes about the 2020 presidential election, no matter how absurd or easily discredited, are lies. He really believes they are true, simply because his mind won't allow him to think otherwise. To admit, even to himself, the possibility that they are false would mean he is a "loser," a designation Trump could never accept. "Loser" is, after all, the go-to insult aimed at those he despises (he recently described Mitt Romney, for example, as "a stone cold loser"). As Trump could never be one of "them," at least in his psyche, the logical premise (to him) must be that he did not "lose" an election, he actually "won," while the American people were persuaded by chicanery on a massive (yet somehow undetected) scale that Joe Biden was the actual "winner."

In that sense, Donald J Trump does not, in a technical sense, match the profile of an habitual liar, as he doesn't really believe he is lying, even when his lies are readily exposed. In his warped mind he is telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Impossible, you may scoff. Surely Trump must know he is lying about widespread election fraud, about the "fact" that he actually earned more votes than Biden in the crucial swing states of Arizona, Nevada, Georgia, Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin, and that Biden's seven-million-vote advantage is an illusion, soon to disappear once Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell or Mike the "My Pillow" guy are given a fair hearing and the Cyber Ninjas lay bare his "victory" in Arizona. The evidence to the contrary is overwhelming; how could anyone, even Trump, swear that it doesn't exist?

As I am not nor ever have been a professional psychiatrist, there is no way I can reasonably defend my perceptual conclusions about Trump; they are based largely on observation, long-distance study and plain old gut feelings (that's a palliative term used more often than you'd imagine by those who practice medicine for a living). Based on what I've seen and heard, my judgment is that Trump isn't a liar, at least not in the traditional sense of the word. No, he is something far worse and many times more dangerous: a narcissistic sociopath who imagines himself incapable of lying. Check out these definitions and see if they bring anyone in particular to mind:

A narcissist, according to Webster's, is "an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance," while a sociopath has "a personality disorder that is characterized by antisocial behavior exhibiting pervasive disregard for and violation of the rights, feelings, and safety of others, starting in childhood or the early teenage years and continuing into adulthood."

Loathsome as those traits may be, they are not what make Donald Trump so incredibly dangerous. What they do is enable him to speak often and convincingly about what he believes to be true, even in the face of massive evidence that it is a lie. That, coupled with his unsurpassed talents as a con man, is what renders Trump so ominous, as he is somehow able to convince others that true is false, that falsehoods are true. How else could he possibly have persuaded millions of Americans to cast their votes for him in a presidential election? In Trump's Orwellian world, every misstep is "fake news," every ignoble defeat (think Covid-19) a glorious triumph, every loss actually a "win," once the devious machinations of his opponents have been brought to light. Trump is quite literally in a "win-win" situation, at least in his own mind. Anything less is for "losers," a label that, as everyone can see, is abhorrent to him.

If such delusions were confined to Trump's addled mind, they would be of no concern to anyone. But they go much further than that. The deposed generalissimo's vise-like grip on his party apparatus remains as firm as ever, his approval rating among rank-and-file Republicans strong and unwavering. As a result, any GOP politician or would-be office holder who politely declines to kiss Trump's ass or endorse the Big Lie risks summary banishment to the party's hinterlands. It comes with the territory. As Rep Kevin McCarthy of California explained, referring to his rebellious colleague, Liz Cheney, "We all need to be working as one..." In other words, climb aboard the harebrained and maniacal Trump bandwagon or suffer the consequences.

Meanwhile, Trump, ever the showman, has been coy about running again in 2024, dropping vague hints that when added up amount to nothing. They do, however, serve to amplify his power, which is what matters most to him. That, and the "truth" as he sees it. Banned this week for at least another six months from Facebook, Trump whimpered that he was exiled "because the Radical Left Liberals are afraid of the truth..." Precisely what that "truth" may be remains hidden within what may charitably be described as Trump's brain.

In case he should decide to run again, Trump has already seized the pole position by calling the 2024 presidential election "rigged..."

In theological news...

A pastor named Robin Bullock has told his congregation that it's a "sin" to refer to Joe Biden as "president." (No, we are not making this up.) It is perfectly all right, he said, "to pray for a man named Joe Biden" (we harbor no ill will toward him) and "you may pray for the office of the president," but "you can't pray for president Joe Biden; you may as well be praying for the Easter bunny, because he doesn't exist." Furthermore, "if you celebrate [Biden's presidency] or congratulate him, you have entered into his sin." As for any "sins" Donald Trump may have committed while he was president (a list can be found by Googling the Guinness Book of Records and searching for "the longest catalog of sins ever recorded"), they have apparently been forgiven by pastor Bullock and his brethren in the evangelical Christian corner of the world who continue to pray for "president Trump."

May 14, 2021

Greetings, students, and welcome to today's discussion of "logic, Republican-style."

Let us begin by restating the argument presented almost daily since last November by former president Trump, which is that he "won" the 2020 election and that it was somehow "stolen" from him by his Democratic opponents. The main weakness in that argument appears to be the fact—and it is a fact—that neither he nor anyone else has been able to offer a scintilla of proof to support that premise. Trump's position seems to be that as he earned 74 million votes to Joe Biden's 81 million, and won 232 electoral votes to Biden's 306, that should offer clear and indisputable proof that he won the contest and should have been re-elected. Does anyone see any logical flaw in that argument? Please, don't everyone shout at once! Calm yourselves! Let's have a show of hands...

Moving right along, class...

One Republican who doesn't accept Trump's premise that he won the election is Rep Liz Cheney of Wyoming, and GOP officials including senate minority leader Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy, his counterpart in the House of Representatives, wholeheartedly agree, as they have made quite clear in public statements. In fact, on Wednesday, after meeting at the White House with president Biden, McCarthy said this: "I don't think anybody is questioning the legitimacy of the president's election. That is all over with" (remarks he will no doubt have to explain later to the master puppeteer at Mar-a-Lago—on bended knee, of course).

Earlier in the day, McCarthy had arranged a secret vote to replace Cheney as leader of the House Republican caucus with Rep Elise Stefanik of New York state who, unlike Cheney, earnestly supports the former president's bogus claim (generally known as the Big Lie) that he won re-election in 2020. Does everyone see the logic there?...Anyone?...No one? Well, you needn't feel embarrassed or disappointed, as there really isn't any...

Republicans, however, believe they are on much firmer ground logically when it comes to describing the unfortunate incident at the US Capitol on January 6, and that their logic trumps (pardon the pun) anything seen, heard or experienced by others including their fellow lawmakers.

Those who entered the Capitol that day, Rep Paul Gosar of Arizona said at a congressional hearing this week, were "peaceful patriots" who are being unlawfully "harassed" by the Department of Justice (to date, more than 440 have been arrested and charged with various breaches of the law). Rep Andrew Clyde of Georgia went even further, saying "Let me be clear: there was no insurrection, and to call it an insurrection, in my opinion, is a bold-faced lie. Watching the TV footage of those who entered the Capitol and walked through Statuary Hall showed people in an orderly fashion staying between the stanchions and ropes and taking videos and pictures...If you didn't know the TV footage was a video from January 6, you would actually think it was a normal tourist visit" [albeit one in which all members of congress—and vice president Mike Pence—were forced to flee for their lives]. And of course, tourists "normally" break windows and shatter doors to gain entrance to the building, and once inside "normally" attack Capitol police and anyone else within reach while voicing reasonable requests like "hang Mike Pence!" Can't argue with that logic. And according to Rep Ralph Norman of South Carolina, apart from the numerous pro-Trump banners and flags, the many MAGA hats and QAnon t-shirts, and the fact that legions of "peaceful patriots" said they went to the Capitol "on behalf of the president" (no, not Biden) after he issued marching orders at a rally earlier that day, there is no evidence whatsoever that they were Trump supporters. No, none whatsoever—and you can take that to the bank. Once again, the GOP's irrefutable "logic" has carried the day.

Well, I see we are out of time, class, so that ends today's overview of "logic, Republican-style." I'm sure you'll enjoy tomorrow's discussion, as our thought-provoking topic is "The Titanic: Iceberg or Jewish-controlled laser from space?"

In other news...

With the number of Covid-19 vaccinations continuing to rise well beyond what was imagined even six months ago, the Republican anti-vax disinformation machine has shifted into high gear, spewing falsehoods and half-truths at warp speed to those who are eager to believe them, buying into the empty-headed notion that vaccinations are a far-left stratagem designed to remove from them their absolute right to die when and where they please. Among the more recent mind-boggling claims is one made by Arizona Corporation Commissioner Jim O'Connor, a Republican (who would have guessed?) elected to his post in November. "Many thousands of people [in the US] who have taken the shot...are deceased," he claims [sans proof, of course]..."and the deceased part is the good news." Is he saying (spoiler alert: yes, he is) that there is something even worse than dying from a vaccination? "There are something like 40,000-plus recorded cases of people who are now potted plants," O'Connor claims. "They are human vegetables; they've lost their ability to function." And what is even more astonishing, he could have added, is that a large number of these "human vegetables" are fellow Republicans who have nevertheless won election to local, state and federal legislatures (okay, we made that one up, but an eye for an eye...). And to those who may excuse such mindless rhetoric as "absurd, but no harm done," it is one of the reasons why only 36 percent of Republicans say they have been vaccinated, while many others say they have no plans to do so. Words matter, and so do false and groundless assertions of "truth."

And on Thursday, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) announced broad new pandemic guidelines, saying those who have been fully vaccinated may now safely gather in groups large or small, indoors or out, with no need for face masks or social distancing. Democratic lawmakers welcomed the news, while the Republican response was rather less enthusiastic: "Wah! You're taking away one of our most reliable and divisive wedge issues! Our constituents may now demand the impossible—that we actually learn how to GOVERN! And we were doing so well..."

May 22, 2021

Before moving on to consider the latest "news" from former president Donald ("Whatever it is, I didn't do it!") Trump, I beg leave for a moment or so to belabor the one phrase that more than any other these days has me ready to climb the nearest wall (or throw a shoe at my very large and very expensive TV set). And that phrase is...

"BREAKING NEWS!"

I don't know which network started the trend, but it seems that almost every news outlet in the country has climbed eagerly aboard the "Breaking News!" bandwagon, diluting its meaning to the point at which "breaking news" means essentially anything and everything that is happening—anywhere, at any time, for any reason. If it's "news," it is by definition "breaking news."

I almost expect to hear Lester Holt (our network anchor of choice) breathlessly announce, "Breaking news this evening! President Lincoln has been shot while attending a play at Ford's Theatre in Washington! Doctors fear he may not survive [spoiler alert: he doesn't]. Police are pursuing a suspect who is believed to have fled into nearby Maryland..."

Far-fetched? Of course. But not that far removed from what most news networks are force-feeding their captive audience these days under the ever-widening umbrella of "breaking news." For those who advise "change the channel," that really doesn't work, as "breaking news" has become an all-consuming force of nature, somewhat akin to a Cat 5 hurricane, the only respite from which is the TV's "power" button, when placed in its "off" position—which is where mine is and shall remain, at least until the "breaking news" fad has run its course.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest...

Former president Trump, known to his acquaintances (he has no friends) as The Artful Dodger, has had his sleight of hand put to the ultimate test since "retiring" to Mar-a-Lago, bobbing and weaving past an incredible number of lawsuits, civil and criminal, while having lost the power (if indeed he ever had it) to "pardon" himself for those alleged crimes or any others that may arise from what must surely be a laundry list of misdeeds so far overlooked or uncovered. Knowing full well that the walls may be closing in as New York City district attorney Cy Vance and state attorney general Letitia James sharpen their cases against him, Trump was last seen at a Florida used car lot, searching desperately for a bus large enough to throw everyone else under. As Michael Cohen, who served prison time for offenses committed at Trump's behest, said recently, "Trump will flip on everyone," even his children and Melania, if that serves his purpose, which is to protect Donald Trump at all costs. "He cares only for himself," said Cohen, who once said he'd take a bullet for his master. "Nothing else matters to him."

Meanwhile, attorney general James says her office's civil inquiry into the Trump Organization is now a criminal investigation, centering on Trump and the organization's longtime chief financial officer, Allen Weisselberg. One route she could take would be to prosecute the Trump Organization under RICO (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization) law. Although enacted in the 1970s to combat organized crime, some legal experts say RICO could come into play "in any situation where organizations engage in criminal activity for the benefit of their officers or owners." James seems intent on finding some rock under which Trump is unable to crawl to avoid prosecution.

But what happens if Trump can't weasel his way around the law? Suppose for the sake of argument that Vance and/or James is able to outmaneuver Trump's army of high-priced lawyers and secure an indictment, or even a conviction. Does anyone believe that his millions of brainwashed and brain-dead partisans wouldn't buy Trump's claims of "political witch hunt" and take up arms to oppose a communist-led plot to crucify their savior? Yes, I'm talking flat-out civil war, evangelical-style. Granted, not as long or as bloody as the first one (I'd give it a couple of weeks at best) but disruptive enough to make the January 6 insurrection at the Capitol seem like a walk in the park (or, in Republican parlance, a "normal tourist day").

Should his misguided supporters try to "reclaim" the government in his name, I've no doubt that Trump would be glued to his TV, cheering them on. After all, no one could possibly "blame" him for inciting violence or rebellion. He was simply "speaking the truth" as he saw it. If anyone should choose to act on his words and use force to try and overthrow our centuries-old democracy, that's their problem, not his.

Besides, president-in-waiting Trump ("don't call me 'former' president!") has more urgent matters to consider, such as the long sought-after and universally praised gazillionth recount of votes in Arizona (coming soon to a state near you). This latest "audit," he believes, impeccably overseen by the clear-eyed Cyber Ninjas (who were employed after attempts to hire Donald and Daffy Duck fell through), will "prove" conclusively that Democrats "stole" his victory there, as they did in Georgia, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Michigan and enough other states to ensure the "landslide" victory he won before the unseen forces of evil conspired to place Joe Biden in the White House. Once enough missing votes have been "found," Trump is confident that the term "former" president will once and for all be stricken from his resume. Don't laugh (well, maybe a chuckle or two). He really believes that.

The presidential election was held last November. We are now nearing the end of May, and Trump still hasn't conceded. Were he to do so, he would have to admit that he's a "loser," and as we know, Trump never loses. At least not in his mind, no matter how overwhelming the contradictory evidence may be. His obituary, he truly believes, will begin with these words: "Donald J Trump, the 45th president of the United States, who was elected in 2016 but robbed of a second term four years later by a Democratic-led conspiracy that undermined his well-earned landslide victory..."

May 26, 2021

Just as vaccinations were soaring and hospitalizations and deaths from the Covid-19 pandemic were declining sharply in most areas of the country, leading to a hope that life might soon return to normal, the Centers for Disease Control has identified a virulent and possibly lethal new form of the coronavirus, which it has labeled NSA-FLN-BS-1. This variant of the virus is especially insidious and difficult to combat, as the infection is spread by word of mouth, more specifically via the premise, advanced by former national security adviser Michael Flynn, that the coronavirus pandemic itself is an illusion, fabricated to distract attention from the 2020 presidential election and to "gain control" of society.

Flynn, who served (briefly) as an adviser to former president Donald ("Clorox forever!") Trump, and before that managed for reasons beyond comprehension to advance to the rank of Army general (he was in the same West Point class as future general Jack D Ripper who rose to fame in the film "Dr Strangelove"), made his position (if not his logic and grammar) quite clear in a recent interview:

"When you look around the world," he asked, "why do all these places not have the problems that we keep getting beat over the head and shoulders on in this country when it comes to Covid?" He was no doubt referring to such Covid-free countries as Brazil (450,000 deaths), India (308,000), Mexico (221,000), the UK (128,000), Italy (126,000), Russia (118,000)—or perhaps to the world-wide total of a measly 3,485,000 Covid-related deaths. The coronavirus pandemic was no doubt concocted to disrupt other elections too.

"Why?" Flynn continued, answering his own question. "Because everything, everything—and this is my truth [and QAnon's as well]—what I believe, everything is a distraction to what happened on November 3. Everything we hear about Covid, and how Covid started before November 3, it is all meant to control, to gain control of a society to be able to force decisions on society, instead of allowing 'we the people' to make decisions." [In other words, to pursue his "logic" to its resolution, if "we the people" were able to make decisions without being confused by the coronavirus, Donald Trump would still be president.] General Flynn, to his credit, did stop short of saying the coronavirus "robs us of our precious bodily fluids," as general Ripper no doubt would have.

While Covid-19 may not have reached its goal of controlling a society, it has clearly gained control of at least one vacuous mind, making the spread of the NSA-FLN-BS-1 variant an imminent threat to every American, especially those who listen slavishly to right-wing talk radio or follow similarly deranged blogs. As for general Flynn, he said later in that same interview that he has been taking hydroxychloroquine for thirty years—which explains a lot.

Meanwhile...

Enheartened by the overwhelming popularity and success of the ten-zillionth audit in Arizona of votes in the 2020 presidential election, Republicans in Georgia and Wisconsin have decided to conduct their own "impartial" recounts, placing their audits in the capable hands of another celebrated military leader, Colonel Harlan Sanders, and his Kentucky fried analysts, who have promised to find "buckets" of lost votes for president-in-waiting Trump thanks to a "secret recipe" for counting ballots. Stay tuned...

Another day, another lawsuit...

If you've been keeping count of the number of lawsuits, civil and criminal, leveled against former president Donald ("witch hunt!") Trump...you clearly are one of those people with too much time on their hands...

Among the legatees seeking to lighten Trump's wallet is Rep Eric Swalwell (D-CA) who is suing Trump, Don Jr, Rudy Giuliani and Rep Mo Brooks (R-AL) for "conspiracy to violate civil rights," "incitement to riot" and "terrorism," among other things. Their actions on the morning of January 6, which Swalwell's suit, filed on March 5, says led directly to an attack on the US Capitol by many of those who attended a Trump rally, caused Swalwell, who was in the Capitol to take part in the certification of electoral votes, "severe emotional distress." "The peaceful transfer of power is a sacrament of American democracy," the suit says. "Donald Trump, his son Donald Trump Jr, his advisor Rudy Giuliani, and congressman Mo Brooks, together with many others, defiled that sacrament through a campaign of lies and incendiary rhetoric, which led to the sacking of the US Capitol on January 6, 2021."

Former president catch-me-if-you-can, apparently unaware—or unconcerned—that there is video of him speaking at the rally in DC, claimed he was in Florida that day enjoying a round of golf and had no idea the Capitol had been attacked, as his TV was tuned to Fox News, which described the incident as "a normal tourist day." And even if he had been there, he added, he'd been given a Covid vaccination several days earlier and therefore had "absolute immunity."

And in Samoa...

The prime minister of that country, having been voted out of office this month after twenty-two years in power, decided he'd simply dissolve the parliament so that his successor couldn't be sworn in. When the country's supreme court said he really couldn't do that, he went immediately to Plan B, locking the doors of the parliament building so no one could enter. Thus, he reasoned, if there were no swearing-in ceremony, his time in office could simply continue until his lifeless body was carried out.

Leaders around the world loudly condemned the prime minister's actions as "outrageous" and "indefensible," while in the US, former president Trump said, "Why didn't I think of that?"

June 5, 2021

[The scene: the Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, Florida. Ex-president Donald ("I really won!") Trump is taking his afternoon nap before turning on Fox News when former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski enters the room.]

"Mr president! Mr president! Wake up! Wake up, Mr president!"

"Dammit, Corey, do you know what time it is? It's nearly four o'clock in the afternoon! Oh, all right, come in...but this had better be good!"

"It is, Mr president. In fact, it's much better than good! I just heard from auditors in Arizona and Wisconsin, and the elections there have been overturned! You've WON both states! The Cyber Ninjas found hundreds of thousands of 'lost' votes! And it's looking good in Pennsylvania and Michigan too—not to mention Nevada...and even California, which you always said you won. Things are moving your way in a hurry, and it's a sure bet you'll soon be installed as president again, maybe by the middle of August!"

"Wow! If you truly believe and repeat them loudly and often enough, lies and fantasies really CAN come true!"

"And that's not even the best news, Mr president! Cy Vance and Letitia James have dropped their criminal investigations against you in New York, Stormy Daniels has moved to Tibet to become a monk, and the Supreme Court has found the presidential two-term limit unconstitutional, which means you can serve as many terms as you can steal!"

"So much great news in one afternoon!...it's hard to take it all in...Is there anything else?"

"Yes indeed, Mr president. I'd ask you to lie down for this, but you already are. Your petition for the Nobel peace prize has been approved, and you'll be receiving the award next year. Mike Lindell is sending you a lifetime supply of My Pillows. Mike Flynn and Sidney Powell are engaged. Trump University is back in business, with Rudy Giuliani as dean and Matt Gaetz as frat leader and hall monitor. Marjorie Taylor Greene tripped on her AK-47 and shot Nancy Pelosi. Ancestry.com has found that Dr Fauci is related to Xi Jinping. Melania says the pre-nup is far too generous, and wants to amend it so she receives only half of what you agreed to. Oh, and Ivanka, Jared, Don Jr and Eric are leaving politics to form a barbershop quartet..."

"A barbershop quartet? Are you serious? None of them can carry a tune in a basket! That has to be the craziest idea I've ever...Hold on!...Wait a minute!...I'm starting to get the picture now. All this great news...that I'm gonna be president again...and win the Nobel prize...it's all just a dream, isn't it, Corey?"

"Of course it is, Mr president. Do you honestly believe any of that could ever happen while you were awake? Now be a good president and roll over on your belly while I call in Kevin McCarthy and Lindsey Graham; they've been waiting outside to give you a massage..."

Meanwhile, in the real world...

Unfazed by his suspension from Facebook and Twitter until January 2023, the former blabbermouth-in-chief launched his own blog, "From the Desk of Donald J Trump," which adviser Jason Miller said would be a "game changer." Oh, wait... that was last month. This month, ex-president burger 'n fries decided to waddle in another direction, insisting it had nothing to do with the fact that almost no one was listening to what he had to say and that his "desk" had become a laughing stock among Washington insiders. In its place, he said, there would be huge rallies like in the good old days when he was at his deceptive peak and the audiences were captive. "Overflow crowds," he said, "like we had in Tulsa. People waiting in line for hours, begging for seats that were already taken—just to see me! The roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd—and those thrilling times when I shouted 'punch him in the face!' or 'throw him out!' Those are the kind of deranged tirades that made America great—and we can do it again!" He could have gone on, but someone reminded him it was his turn to putt.

June 17, 2021

Former president Donald (I wrote The Art of the Deal!) Trump says he has turned down offers from "two of the biggest and most prestigious publishing houses" to publish his memoirs. Although The Art of the Deal was actually written by Tony Schwartz, not Trump, ex-president Fibber McGee seems to have mastered at least one art—the art of being so evasive when lying that it's almost impossible to pin him down and uncover the facts. Recall that when he was in the White House (no, I don't really wish to recall that either), Trump would often say that "many people believe," "others agree with me" or "most people say..." without citing specifics or proof. Or he would manufacture statements like "I was told today" or "this is something I just learned" without ever saying who had told him or how he learned the point he was making was in fact true. And the members of the press, bless their fact-checking hearts, never seemed to ask the logical next question: who, specifically, are you referring to?

Trump did say he is "writing like crazy," which seems not only plausible but inescapable. When pressed as to why he would turn down legitimate offers to publish his memoirs, former president Unlettered I said the publishers had failed to meet his demands. One of them, he complained, "flatly refused to deliver two boxes of brand new crayons, which I needed to complete the Four Words," while the second "insisted that I use big words like 'enoggerayshun,' 'highdroxikloro'—whatever and 'high crimes and Mister Meaners'—who wasn't even one of my henchmen. I don't want to have to look everything up in the dickshunary. That wouldn't even leave time for a morning cup of covfefe, let alone the daily afternoon round of golf."

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