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The Mort Report

I Was Too Stoned to Perform: A Love Story, Kinda

By Published: February 23, 2013
Main spotlight hits center stage and I introduce the star of the show with something like—..."and here's that demonic comic, ya da ya da, ladies and gentlemen, please give a nice warm Reno round of applause to that master of double talk and innuendo, Mr. Sid Sluff"—and here comes this very overweight slovenly unkempt fellow (tie askew and food stains on his shirt), who waddles up to the mic, takes it and says "Good evening, ladies and germs," leans down to a ringside table and points at this gentleman and asks " Is that you face or did your pants fall down." Drummer's on top of it with a "ka boom" here and a radimacule there, some fellow says something to Sid, whereupon Sid lashes out with "One more crack like that sir, your wife and I are through! Ka Baam! He then goes into his double talk specialty. Like "Ya know, coming over her tonight I used a cab on the rehmissque—but when I cappasooed the driver he said 'the framus was on the nerel' To which I responded, 'your krill is re,'" and like that. I think that you've got the picture by now. I could sense that the crowd was starting to get ugly and the sound of scraping chairs was paramount as people where leaving, with some not paying their bills (who could blame them?).

Meanwhile, the house booker was going fucking nuts in the wings; two stage hands were restraining him (I can hear it today, screaming "Get him off! Get him off! For god's sake, bring on the chick aaaaahhhhhh mmmph!") and as I threw a neck lock around Sid and dragged him to the opposite wings, with him trying to yell "It's all part of the act ladies and germs—all part of the framous and cabbase." Enough!

Man I needed and deserved a little R&R: rest and relaxation.

So, now that you know—and hopefully empathize with me and where my head was during this catastrophic engagement in Reno—and one by one seeing and watching each one of my dreams and hopes all going away. Well, for that moment, in the time and place in Mort Wise's life, well I was about to catch the brass ring on this mad, beautiful and wonderful merry-go-round of life with all of its despair and love gone dead. But with the ring about to be firmly grasped in my hand, there would be a moment—a golden moment of requited love and the flame of achievement rekindled once more—yes.

I picked up one nicely and expertly wrapped joint, lit it and took a big hit. I was aware that the beautiful Jacqueline had returned. I remember sitting on a chair (with my top coat opened, but on with the collar turned up) and it seemed quite a bit of time had elapsed. But I couldn't take my eyes off of the drapes, the beautiful golden patterns that interwove continually seeming without beginning or end, not unlike an Escher painting. Could I have stumbled upon the whole cosmic paradox, the theory of everything? As I pondered this, it came to me that I was stoned out of my fucking mind! I also realized that someone was talking, a woman's voice saying something about she might as well get some sleep. I remember mumbling something about not being able to stand up or something like that. My thoughts immediately became focused (and I remember this very well); I had to get some of this shit back to the guys. This was fuckin' dynamite, and I kept thinking; that's about all I could do was think.

I was starting to reappear in the real world a little now and was aware that Jackie had come back in some very blue and very baggy men's pajamas. Daylight shone a bit through the drapes and I finally got up and made my way to the front room and door passing along the way I heard a lightly buzzing sound (all snuggled up in her blankets): a sleeping princess—one that I would never know or walk, hand-in-hand, through a multitude of stars.

The ordeal (gig) lasted for a few more days and, strange as it seems, we got our notice of cancelation—even wanting to send some people to help us pack and get shut of Reno. I chose to leave early closing night Oh, Dick showed up the last couple of days of the tragedy. I won't go into that here and now. As I drove out of Reno, I headed for the Mustang Ranch where I got some brain. Then I aimed south to Los Angeles ,where my newborn daughter (Sandra Jeanne Weiss) awaited. It was in fact, another day.


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