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PepsiCo, the world's second largest soft drink company, has claimed trademark protection on the word "Jazz" and has issued cease and desist orders to anyone currently using the word other than in reference to their diet cola product of that name.
Pepsi Jazz has been on the market since 2006, while the word "j---" goes back to around 1915, but PepsiCo was able to exploit a loophole in the burgeoning field of ridiculous intellectual property claims. "No one had trademarked the word," said Pepsi spokesbastard Phil Clabbard, "so we took the opportunity to secure our brand property. We feel this will eliminate confusion that may be usurping our brand integrity and product recognition. From now on, when anyone says 'Jazz,' everyone will know they mean 'Pepsi Jazz.'"
Lawyers for the soft drink giant began delivering cease and desist orders to all potential offenders this morning, including the headquarters of All About J--- and the offices of the NBA's Utah J---. Utah General Manager Kevin O'Connor immediately responded that the team would comply, and would accept all suggestions for a new name "as long as it isn't a singular noun, so we aren't mistaken for a WNBA team." At AAJ headquarters, a heavily-armed Michael Ricci vowed not to be taken alive.
Fans of Our Music the world over begin the struggle to find an acceptable name for the music formerly known as j---. Early candidates include AIM (American Improvisational Music), Sherpa (Swinging Hip Energetic Rhythm and Provocative Auralia), while AAJ's Dean of American J--- Humorists® Jeff Fitzgerald, Genius, has suggested a simple return to the original spelling of the word "jass" because acronyms that try too hard to be clever just piss him off.
Currently, the AAJ staff is working to find and remove all 1.2 billion occurrences of the "j-word" on AAJ. Additionally, due to recent developments in the field of corporate naming rights, all references to Miles Davis will include the phrase "brought to you by Home Depot" and all mention of Louis "Quiznos" Armstrong must include the tag line "mmm....toasty."
Years ago now--in Rhodesia--listening to Voice of America with Willis Conover I heard Bunk Johnson play When The Saints Go Marching In, and Billie Holiday sing Don't Explain. I knew then there was no other life for me than jazz.