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By Walter Price

Jazz critics or "journalists" have e-mailed me to state they are not "hacks," but dedicated, professional writers who love and respect their subject-jazz. Let me tell everyone basically what a jazz hack is. A jazz hack is a parasitic animal that lives off the musical talent of others. A jazz hack is like a remora attaching itself on an artist to feed off the scraps of the fortune and fame of its host.

Now here is a confession-I'm a hack, too! I'm a very amateur hack though, unlike the professional hacks in the jazz industry. There are many amateur hacks like me online, in local periodicals, or just around taking the pulse on jazz. Now some of you might have that expert knowledge and journalistic sagacity that makes one a professional jazz hack. In order to find out if you have what it takes to be a jazz critic guru, take the following test.

1. Which of the following artists have no chance in hell of ever making a credible jazz recording again?
   
   a. Al Jarreau
   b. Kenny G.
   c. Chuck Mangione
   d. Herb Alpert
   e. all of the above

2. Some of the worse jazz music produced came out of which of the following decades?
   a. 1980s
   b. 1960s
   c. 1950s
   d. 1940s

3. How many times do you usually listen to a jazz recording before writing down a review on it?
   a. one
   b. three
   c. four
   d. several

4. Which of the following statements are true?
   
   a. Most renowned jazz artists made better music earlier in their careers than later. (e.g. Wayne Shorter, David Sanborn, etc.)
   b. If you're a jazz artist on the comeback, try to do an acoustical recording. Big bands and tribute recordings are always a good start.
   c. Any jazz artists' acoustic performance will beat out any electrical performance any day any time.
   d. Never ever think about mentioning or comparing a great jazz artist like John Coltrane to any contemporary like Grover Washington Jr. That is jazz blasphemy.
   e. All of the above statements are without question true.

5. Which adjective should never be used to describe the life of Billie Holiday?
   
   a. tragic
   b. heartbreaking
   c. sad
   d. pitiful
   e. joyful

6. Which of the following cities is NOT a good place for a qualified jazz critic to live?
   a. Burlington, Vermont
   b. New York, New York
   c. Los Angeles, California
   d. Chicago, Illinois

7. Which of the following Herbie Hancock albums is far superior to the other three?
   
   a. Future Shock
   b. Gershwin's World
   c. Sunlight
   d. Feets Don't Fail Me Now

8. As a jazz critic, which of the following should you do?
   a. admit first review of jazz album was totally off base, do a rewrite stating your mistake
   b. seek no photo opportunities or self promotion at any jazz conference or event
   c. write liner notes that are concise, brief and understandable to the new jazz fan
   d. none of the above

9. If you're doing an interview, which of the following questions should NEVER be asked?
   a. Who were your influences?
   b. What are you listening to right now?
   c. Do you enjoy playing your instrument?
   d. Do you think jazz critics or journalists help promote jazz or hurt it by basically being a complete bore and offering nothing insightful when doing interviews like this one?

10. Which of the following musicians will put out a better recording than the other three all the time?
    a. Joe Lovano
    b. Harry Connick Jr.
    c. Joe Sample
    c. Bob James

If you scored 10 out of 10 YOU may have the right stuff to be a professional hack!

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