By Walter Price

Yea, everybody knows jazz radio SUCKS! Well I think you can also say that about jazz programmers and jazz djs. Before you submit your e-mail bombs, I know there are a few djs out there selling jazz like a mother, but hey you're either 1) in a city with a population over 5 mil 2) at a college station where you have three hungover listeners 3) at a radio station blasting 3.2 kilowatts of power 4) playing music at a time when your radio programmer/manager/RAT could care less what you play or what you say (as a matter a fact this rat is just waiting to do a programmed recording overnight!).

What I don't have sympathy for are all these sad stories about, "We have no money!", "Jazz doesn't sell!", "None of the listeners donate to our sorry jazz programming!", "My radio manager will not let me play John Coltrane!", "Playing smooth vanilla mocha dry bleached sanitized monotonous boring 90210 jazz is better than no jazz at all!", "Hey, why is everybody complaing jazz radio is great, every jazz neophyte fan thinks they have all the answers!"

Well I do! First, fire any jazz dj that can't get excited about what their playing. I've talked about this before-If you want go to sleep don't listen to the jazz but listen to the jazz dj or as I affectionately call them jazz Zzzs for their monotone voices and their unispiring playing of the best music in the world. I know, after you radio manager rats fire these "professional" jazz Zzzs you're left in a quandary, "Oh my God who will push the fancy buttons and talk like a dead person in the mike?" Just grab some jazz fanatic off the street who is crazy about the music-I WILL GURANTEE YOU RAT, YOUR RATINGS WILL NOT BE HURT!

I know some jazz Zzzs are thinking that they have no control of what is being played or really what they can do to push the music. I say take control, if everybody knows jazz radio sucks -WHAT DOES ANYBODY HAVE TO LOSE. Your job? That couldn't hurt , but are people making that much playing jazz music. If you're already selling out playing music or programming that you are apathetic about-just slide your self into any KISS radio station format-you will fit right in and probably will make more money. Jazz radio needs rebels, vanguards, trendsetters that will make jazz radio the format to lead, not follow.

Oh I forgot there is no money or support from listerners. So What! (get it, excuse me Miles) Was there ever a gold mine in jazz radio? I'd rather have my local station take chances and risks offering good jazz programming than sell this bland boring crap that is on now. If you leave the air, at least you tried and maybe, here is a concept you might pick up an audience that is actually motivated to care about the station to work hard to get it back on the air. IF YOU PLAY BORING JAZZ YOU WILL HAVE BORING SUPPORTERS.

Now what kind of programming should you offer? One word: eclectic. Play jazz that is traditional one minute and contemporary the next. Oh no Walter is mixing formats like acids and bases. Subsequently, play some familar jazz tunes more often, if other radio stations can have an oldies format that plays hits, would that ever work for a jazz radio station or at least part of a format of a day? You just can't always expose us to the next jazz phenom. Remember everybody and their grandmother has a jazz CD and jazz radio will play all of them.

And excuse the pun, but please jazz up the format. During peak drive times in the morinig going to work or coming home, please play some jazz that can put a wiggle in your butt or keep you awake. This doesn't mean it has to be fusion/electrical/ or pop jazz. There is nothing more exciting than some Parker, Basie, Ellington blasting in the car. Remember you can also rat, mix traditional with contemporary to keep the drive funky.

Oh wait a minute, scrap everything I said, nobody will take my suggestions or even care jazz rats and Zzzs don't want to offend their core audience-50 to 70 year olds and insomiacs!