Date:	01-Oct-1999 23:33:05
From:	Mr. X
	How Mr. X controls his working conditions... We think you will find Mr. X to be easy to work with as long as certain requirements are met, that he himself outlines below. All requirements must be met without exception unless discussed (in writing) before the engagement or tour. Personel When Mr. X is in a "special guest" situation- Personnel must remain as originally proposed. Any changes must be discussed and mutually agreed upon before a different musician is hired. Hotels 4 Star Rating- preferably a known chain including these necessities: Double Room-large double! Large enough for me and my suitcase --( (even when it's open!) The room should be located on an upper quiet floor neither too far from the elevator nor too close-I don't want to hear the ''ding" every time the elevator stops. What can I tell you-I'm Jewish. Plus large (hard mattress) bed. No smoking rooms only. One comfortable chair or couch would be velly velly nice while you're at it, if it's not too much trouble. The noise level of the air conditioner not to exceed 100 decibels nor are there to be any annoying rattles or wheezing from aforementioned air unit. Restaurant in Hotel!! (Sometimes Mr. X just doesn't feel like going out and having to find a restaurant after a long trip). ( Optional-but important) Room Service -preferably 24 hour.The 24 Hour Room service menu must not have Lasagna Verde in any way shape or form on it. In USA-no motels by Route 95NW in the middle of nowhere with a Taco Bell "jus'one block away"..... (usually one long-ass block) . (i.e. no Hampton Inns, Comfort Inns)....no Inns period for that matter!! Outs maybe I'll give some thought to! Do not want to hear: (Especially in Italy!!) "But it cost as much as a four star hotel!!" "It is a four star Hotel I am told"(no "I am told"!!!) "But it's the best hotel in town!!" "But it's the best hotel within 100 Kilometers!!'" "But there's a big surgeon dentist convention in town and the other nicer hotels were fully booked!" "But so and so stayed there and loved it!!" "All our classical artists stay there". "I'm so sorry sir, I can't find your reservation" "I'm sorry sir...period!!! Sub Chapter unto itself-THE DREADED BATHROOM (the following points do not apply in the USA): g. No Toilets please where your shit just lays there dry on the ledge (who invented that and why?). It's gotta drop in water immediately!! h.No toilets that drench your balls in a rush of water when you flush. h. 1. no sand-paper masquerading as toilet paper. No separate faucets in the sink (which legitimately should be labeled Scalding and Freezing). .. ..How do you wash your hands in those anyway...move them back and forth really fast?? Showers-controls must be located in a place where you don't get your arms scalded when you turn it on. Needless to say- if there's no shower curtain, bring a big mop 'cause I'm gonna have me some wet fun!! Ditto, if there's no catch high up on the wall for the hand-held thing so you can stand under it! Enough electrical outlets to plug your stuff in..without having to move headboards and/or slip a disc trying to plug something in behind the refrigerator l.Telephones-Tone only-with ready access to AT&T Direct. ....Hel- lo!?!...IT'S 1998!!!! And can you all put the numbers on the same place on the keypad-just agree country to country where they're gonna be placed !! 1 at the top or 1 at the bottom -I don't care-BUT CAN YOU MAKE YOUR MIND UP? Also- NO PHONES THAT RING FOR NO REASON AFTER YOU HANG UP. m. TV-Minimum 15" screen w/remote and CNN!! Porn! -'Soft' or preferably 'Hard'-0r as it is more colloquially known-"One Hand" TV- with a nicely timed 3 minute (minimum) preview before blackout, so that one can play "Beat the Clock" and have half a chance!! Better yet, the extremely rare, but miraculous "No hand" TV would be most appreciated by Mr. Xe No Hotels with "Europa" in it's name. No Ibis Hotels except in abject desperation!. Concert or Club Billing (Since I seem to be a professional 'special guest')-Must be discussed and agreed upon mutually with regard to the particular engagement ... considerations: the size and placement of the name Mr. X, and other considerations such as "special guest" or "featuring" etc.. Do not want to hear: "But I called all the promoters and they assured me the billing would be correct" Do not want to see "Mr. X Quintet" if it should be "So and So trio featuring special guest Mr. X" etc. or some other version. Do not want to hear "But they couldn't fit that on the poster!" Travel Arrangements (Primarily Europe-especially Italy): Bus means "bus"- not "large van" with with a tiny unplugged TV in it and a little table-what can you use the table for anyway??-a game of elbow cards? Second of all you gotta face the guy sitting across from you at the little table-I don' wanna have to look at that guy's face for 10 hours!! Van means "van"- not station wagon! But then (for once) REMEMBER!!!!-BIG BASS CASES DON'T FIT IN VANS, SO MAYBE WE CAN ELIMINATE THE SCENARIO WHERE I'M STANDING, FREEZING BY THE SIDE OF THE VAN, AND YOU ARE FUTILELY AND FURTIVELY TRYING TO SQUASH THE BASS CASE AND MY SUITCASE TO FIT IN THE BACK OF THE TOO-SMALL VAN!!! (HEY!.......we got LUGGAGE remember??) In America, we change our clothes every day do you believe it?! Cars: Try to stay off the cellular if you are driving, and especially around curves.....NO DIALNG! If I am in the back seat you don't have to turn around to talk to me -I can hear you- look at the road you f--king idiot!! Tailgating- I don't like to get nervous-try not to tailgate. I know it is the style of driving in Europe, but please, NO closer than 2.6 meters behind the guy in front of us (who is also going 160 km/per hour!!) While, of course, you're on the cellular. Get directions before you enter the new town-no confusing driving in circles for 1 hour asking "vere is the Hotel Schmuck?" Do not want to hear: "But thees is the bes' bus in Italy!" as it breaks down over the Swiss Alps!! aa.The bus should also always have a rest room. For instance-....when the aforementioned bus broke down in the Alps, it was rather uncomfortable have to sit on an Ice-Toilet located in the Igloo Men's-Room on the top of the mountain!! "But you are twelve people and this is a twelve seat bus!" (May I quote Ronnie Cuber:"How are we gonna be able to bring some bitches on the bus, now ?")What about that!!? Concert Production Dressing Room should not be a forth floor walkup with each stairwell getting thinner and more rickety as you walk up. No orange and red couches which are full of holes, rips and semen from 20 years ago. No "Euro" Sandwiches- you know the kind with no bread on top, swabbed with mayo, lettuce, tomato, and little Shrimps-maybe a little Egg if you get lucky. Oop! Don't want to see 'em any more-seen 'em enough already! d. Ice in my Coke, please!! (That is what happens to water under 32 degrees) Alcoholic beverages are accepted, if offered, they will be put to good use. However, Mr. X cannot guarantee the shape of the dressing room after the concert is over... He can't even guarantee the concert!! Know what I'm sayin'? Please try and avoid having the whole audience come backstage for autographs after the concert, especially when they haven't applauded during the concert. No, I do not have a pen! Yes, my brother is fine! Check to make sure film is in Camera and battery is charged. Please review the manual and know which button to push and how hard to push it! Same for your friend who's gonna trade places with you in the next instant. Memo to all Sweet Young Things- WHY ASK IF YOU COULD HAVE MY AUTOGRAPH WHEN YOU COULD HAVE ME? After-the-Concert Receptions have to be cleared with Mr. X ahead of time, and should not be held in any classrooms. Please be aware that Mr. X frequently enjoys going to his hotel room alone, so he can work and reflect, rather than go to reception, parties, dinners etc. Do not be offended, please, if invitations are politely declined. Sound Requirements Have a sound system set up with someone there who knows how to work it. Sound Person should not be an Asian female guitar player with tattoos all over her body, who plays in a punk band called "Yellow Scab"and who calls the bass drum -the 'kick' drum. With regards to recent engagement at U. of Indianapolis: There is no need for a sound check if you don't have A F--KING SOUND SYSTEM!! Do not want to hear: "We thought you would want to look at the hall". General Requirements: Mic. -Electrovoice RE20 or Equivalent Reverb capability in the Monitor In Mr. X's Monitor-Trumpet with Reverb -only! Sound Person must LOOK UP every once in a while, stop reading your magazine, and occasionally LOOK AT the MUSICIANS to see if they need anything! Miscellaneous No last minute surprises or propositions. No free recording for any private jazz societies or promoters even if it's "not going to be for sale" or if "it will just be a gift for the members". Itineraries must be received a minimum of one week ahead of date of departure with full information: Hotel- Name, address, phone no. and fax Venue-Size, address, phone no and fax. Travel Distance between engagements If itineraries do not arrive, Mr. X will be unable to maintain his commitment and will not leave until the itinerary does appear! So make sure that the picky motherf--ker gets it- and everything else on this rider OK?

 

Date:	28-Oct-1999 21:58:34
From:	Yana
	Darling Dear Mr. X, I don't know who you are (sic) But I like your freestyle Hotdamn! Give this player what he wants! Yana

 

Date:	05-Nov-1999 00:09:49
From:	Graypencil
	Try six months on a beat up GM bus with the Si Zentner Orchestra ( circa 1963) for REAL short bread and in addition to having to put up with the masters BS, you get eight weeks straight of one-nighters and a bus wreck three days before Christmas. Oh yeh - Si was a master at making sure everyone on the band hated each other to make to endless trips even more special. The only bright spot was one night in the south somewhere, Si got wise with the less than enthusiastic crowd and they beat the s___ out of him!! Talk about fun cit

 

Date:	15-Nov-1999 15:56:37
From:	a fan
	If you read carefully you will realize that Mr. X is Randy Brecker. Not only a great player, a funny fellow as well.

 

Date:	17-Nov-1999 20:47:57
From:	Tarquinia
	Getting Booked at the regal and highly recommend (not really) Country Club in Iowa...for 3500.00 great for a beginning gigger if you have less then 3 people in the band...we had nine... Country clubbers complaining that their fur coats are too short for their dresses. The woman who assumed (because I was in the band...and I wouldn't let her drunk husband play my congas) that I the one of two females in the band inevitably had stolen her purse. That she the afor mentioned drunk blonde had left on the table. To which the bass player (my then fiance) no longer fiance... Still looking for a good bass player now... Had actually picked up and had given to one of the many clerks stumbling aimlessly from all the champagne. Ending up receiving only 200.00 for the gig...hrm...200X9? To find out months later that our so called fearless leader had skimming cash for months and months. Then to drive back 12 hours...to have the van break down...get pulled over for burnt out light...and have the heat break on it...on New Years Day. Hrm Well...happy 1999...and having to play Prince's 1999 eighty times in a row. Ack ok...done

 

Date:	21-Nov-1999 20:19:12
From:	Mr. Bass man Kevin Smtih
	Only a true musician! If you know what I mean!!!

 

Date:	06-Dec-1999 11:07:15
From:	Pete Brush
	Playing for the drunks and bums on Main Street, Hackettstown, N.J. one guy kept yelling at our horn player to "play some Chuck Mangione!" After the show, he asked us if we like "that Pokeman," and wanted a ride into NYC to sell his new cards. It was raining the whole time.

 

Date:	19-Dec-1999 22:58:47
From:	jon m. (edwin@iswt.com)
	the holiday season is a de-light for musicians. a long time ago in my early 20's we were hired to play a private holiday dance at a rural airfield... we arrived and were told that it was a very private dance (wink wink if we knew what they meant..??) (we didn't)...as it turned out we learned it was this private dance they had in this area every year and the band was brought in from great distance as none of the men were with their wives....it was all other peoples wives and/or girl friends....so we were encouraged to play really well but to remember nothing....(you know what we mean) this was fine for awhile....closing time came at 1 am and we were hired to play another couple of hours.....we did and then we were hired for another couple of hours....by this time we were legally dead on our feet... we went to get paid and the money was kept in the airport refrigerator.....and wonder of wonders....it was gone.....gone ....gone. we said well we were promised the job and the two extensions and we wanted our money...being very young we did not bring a lawyer or a gun. so we sat down and waited.....no money...so one of our group had seen a phone booth outside the building. and he called the local sheriff's department, who showed up rather quickly for that rural area....and wonder of wonders the sheriff and deputy knew most of these people.. there was much embarassment and wailing and crying and running off into the woods and probably more than i knew.... so the officers searched the kitchen for the stolen money and lo and behold there it all was in the stove.....we got the money and got the hell outta there....and lo an behold we never got invited back to that swinging place again.... it coulda been worst.... jon M.

 

Date:	27-Dec-1999 01:22:56
From:	James Anthony (jimianthony@hotmail.com)
	I was playing in Brantford a few years ago.After each tune a great big native guy in the back would growl out "Play something you know: After the third time I was getting pissed off.I got through the evening and got the heck outa there.One year later I played another bar in that town and after the first song I hear "Play something ya know" Oh know get me outa here!!!Years later I asked a native guy what that meant and he said the guy was enjoying my music. Who would have known?

 

Date:	27-Dec-1999 01:24:26
From:	James Anthony (jimianthony@hotmail.com)
	I was playing in Brantford a few years ago.After each tune a great big native guy in the back would growl out "Play something you know: After the third time I was getting pissed off.I got through the evening and got the heck outa there.One year later I played another bar in that town and after the first song I hear "Play something ya know" Oh know get me outa here!!!Years later I asked a native guy what that meant and he said the guy was enjoying my music. Who would have known?

 

Date:	27-Dec-1999 01:24:39
From:	James Anthony (jimianthony@hotmail.com)
	I was playing in Brantford a few years ago.After each tune a great big native guy in the back would growl out "Play something you know: After the third time I was getting pissed off.I got through the evening and got the heck outa there.One year later I played another bar in that town and after the first song I hear "Play something ya know" Oh know get me outa here!!!Years later I asked a native guy what that meant and he said the guy was enjoying my music. Who would have known?

 

Date:	07-Feb-2000 20:15:12
From:	Matt
	Years ago, when I was 19, I played in a small rural town just South of where I lived. It was one of my first gigs with a blues/soul band that I was with. The bar catered more to a country audience than anything else and it was even classy enough to have a horse-shoe pit inside the place. During the sets we got people telling us "We don't like this! Play country!" While during breaks they played country music over the stereo system louder than we were playing during the sets! As if that wasn't bad enough, I was told that if you were under 21 you had to stay on the stage at all times or go outside and be ESCORTED to the handi-capped bathrooms.

 

Date:	05-Apr-2000 16:53:10
From:	Andrew (DesMoineaux@yahoo.com)
	As a bass/tuba player, I get called to all kinds of gigs. One summer, Brun Hilda and the Oohm-pah-pahs (you-guessed it, Polka) called me to play a gig 60 miles outside of Denver in a rural community called Barr Lake. The club -- the Barr Lake Inn. Well the drummer and I show up and there's about 200 cars and motorcycles outside. We're dressed in our liederhousen (you know the funny green polka suits with the peter pan hats) and start setting up. Apparently there was a farm auction earlier in the day and most of the drunken farmers hung around to watch the Denver Bronco game following the auction. We were the entertainment after the game. Oh, and of course, this place was also a favorite watering hole for a few motorcycle gangs as well. To make a long story short, we walk in to set up the drum kit, and of course, there's an awkward silence at these two guys dressed like Peter Pan. We get everything set up and of course, no sign of Brun Hilda, a 5 ft. 300 pound german lady who dresses up like Wagner's "Brun Hilda!" She was supposed to bring the accordian player. An hour after the gig is supposed to start, she finally shows up -- without the accordian player. He was sick, or some bullsh*#! To make matters worse, the Broncos lost the game, so now we have not only drunk, but angry farmers and Motorcycle gang members. The owner of the club, who is twice as drunk as everyone else, tells us to get the hell out. Beer cans are flying at us, farmers are cursing at us, and we look about as stupid as you can in these f**cked up peter pan outfits. We finally get the drum kit packed into the van when I remember I have to make one more trip to get my tuba. I go in, grab the horn, and am making my way out of the club, when the ugliest, stupidest, most disgusting inbred biker stands in front of the door blocking my exit. Three of his inbred biker cousins surround me. "I want to learn how to play the TUBA!" he yells. So now I have a choice -- give up the tuba, throw it at him, or buy the bar a round of drinks. I did the latter, and luckily got out of there alive. Needless to say, if my kids ever want to learn to play the tuba, I'm going to buy them a guitar instead.

 

Date:	02-May-2000 18:26:46
From:	Jay
	Ummm...Mr. X. there is a reason why the bass drum is called the kick drum by most sound engineers. I know what you're trying to prove but not all sound engineers are ba

 

Date:	18-May-2000 04:12:00
From:	?
	yes, all engineers are ba

 

Date:	02-Sep-2000 12:41:02
From:	Italian jazz pianist in America (red_silver87@Yahoo.com)
	Hey , Mr.X , you may be funny , but you belong to the category of "spoiled Americans "-and I don't want to be meaner . And I'm sorry if you are Randy Brecker , 'cause I love your playing , and I have your records ( I even think I briefly talked to you on the phone -you were looking for Torsten De Winkel in Boston) Europe is older and smaller than America and doesn't have these big open spaces , that's why everything was built smaller in other centuries , when here other great people were living in teepees , and there was no trace of "4 stars hotels" (and they probably were happier and at peace than you now looking for the "perfect comfort "). So, because of all that , hotels and cars are smaller there , ESPECIALLY in Italy . Why don't you go visit some serious churches or serious museums while you're there in your spare time , or eat finally the way you should (in Italy ) instead of wanting to sit on your ass watching porn in a 4 star hotel double room : what's wrong with European girls : too classy ,too knowledgeable , or do they smoke too much ? ( I'm married to an American myself , who's great , so I'm knot knocking Americans ) . Plus , there one thing I can never figure out : how can people from America would want to fill a glass of coke to the very top of it with ice (a coke taken from a fridge , so already ice-cold)and not swear every time like I do because the ice comes right to my mouth and the coke is now so cold that it hurts ( bar tenders here don't even give you a choice ) And how people can mix their foods all together in the same plate , not being able to taste separately the different sauces : that's probably because it doesn't matter to their taste ; anybody who puts ketchup or mixes different sauces on pasta should have no say on matters of the kind . Of course, I'm only comparing now with Italy , France or Southern Europe , not the Northern European countries , on this particular subject!But we are on a swing big band site , that's enough with food . Granted , America is more organized for transportation and a lot of other things . But it's not that bad in Europe and not even in Italy ! . I'm an Italian jazz pianist who lives in America simply because I like the way Americans play jazz ; and I was lucky to do 2 gigs with Lee Konitz and 2 with Chet Baker in Italy and they weren't complaining about Europe and the hotels : who are you , a Hollywood star ?( and even if you were , you shouldn't talk that way : I just stopped defending Americans in e-mail with my brother in Italy because he was accusing them of being arrogant , especially now that they are the only superpower , and I have to read this from maybe one of my favorite modern trumpet players : how disheartening ! May be Chet and Lee just wanted to be polite ? Why were they always there , though? Oh , yes , right : in Europe there is more respect for jazz as an art form !? So , just because it gives you work , be a little open-minded and respectful of the countries that made this great one country , and your trumpet will be even more soulful that it certainly already is .

 

Date:	04-Dec-2000 04:14:08
From:	Henk Meulsee (lekkerding@aol.com)
	We did a month in Graz, Austria, got paid weekly, after the second week, we don't see the owner of the club, didn't get paid. The owners wife said he would be back, gave a family emergency as reason, said she would pay us at the end of the month in full. At the end of the month, no owner or wife to be found. Called the band that came after us, they were friends, and were told they were not going to show because the same thing happened to the band before us, the owner skipped out without paying. When we packed our instruments the next morning, we went into the kitchen, grabbed all the raw fish we could find and stuffed them into the heating and ventilation ducts. Then we drove to the ownerd house, he head several expensive cars, Mercedes, Ferrari, Alfa Romeo, BMW etc, and poured sugar in the gas tanks without leaving a trace. We Later heard the smell was so bad and they could not find the cause, they had the place closed permanently. And the owner couldn't understand why one after the other his prize vehicles had to have the engines replaced, after getting stuck out in the boonies with each of them!

 

Date:	16-Jan-2001 00:58:49
From:	guitarist
	the combo I play in had a wedding gig last year. It was for a friend, and we were supposed to get fed and play for 1/2 hour. We decieded to do it since it was for a "friend". So we get there and they deciede that we will play for an hour and a half. I'm thinking to myself that this food had better be good! So, we play after the wedding until everyone has eaten. We stop, and put our instruments away. As we head for the food, the parents of the bride stop us to inform us that we weren't on the list. We played a free gig!

 

Date:	24-Feb-2001 00:08:24
From:	MR Y
	hey, Italian Pianist in America! lighten up!

 

Date:	15-Apr-2001 00:17:52
From:	Charles H. (charlesmjr@yahoo.com)
	I've worked in a 4 star hotel as a concierge and I gig as a musician. I've seen the likes of Mr. X and most of the time they are happy just to know that you have taken time to read the ridder and do what you can to accomidate them. Most people don't expect you to follow evey word of it. A famous rock band in the 1980's used to request that a bowl of M&M's be left in the room with the green ones in a seprate bowl. (You know what they say about the green ones)If that wasnt done, they were happy just to have the M&M's. Charles

 

Date:	17-May-2001 00:26:31
From:	Charles H. (Charlesmjr@yahoo.com)
	Well no one has posted here in a while, So I'll post again. I had this happen to me recently. I was working for a small group thats trying to become a big band. Well I was holding one of the tenor chairs but had to take a few months off the band for work related issues. When I came back the girlfriend of the leader was playing the chair but she wanted out so she gave me the chair. Well I went to one reherhal which was followd by 4 gigs. 2 paid and 2 for charity. After the 1st gig which was a charity, I was asked to set off the next because the leader and his girlfirend needed the extra bread. I didn't have a problem because they helped me out on a few occasions. Well the next gig was a charity and it went without a problem. I was then called the next week and told that I was off the next gig again and this was a paying one. Not only that, but I was back on the sub list because the girlfried changed her mind. Its my understanding that if you give up a chair you give it up. Well I spoke to the leader of the section and he went to bat for me and got me pay for the gig, even though I don't have to be there, and he then quit the band due to the lack of professionalism of the leaders. By the way the one of the leaders plays in a different group that I also work with, that gets about twice the work of the one hes trying to put together. He has a suprise coming to him after the next gig. ;-) Charles H. Charles Charles H.