“ It is time for me to take the bull by the horns and the tiger by the tail, which means I will need someone to hold my beer because both of my hands will be full. ”
Well, kids, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I’ve decided that what this country needs is a return to the ideals and values of another age, followed by a couple of hotdogs and a twi-night doubleheader. I know we’ve discussed this matter before in the late and hardly lamented Modern Bachelor bits from last year, but it has become more and more an issue to me as I’ve watched the ominous approach of the end of Western civilization in the popularity of reality TV and the proliferation of all these yammering dullards driving around with a cell phone to their ear and a blissful disregard for the fact that yes there ARE other cars on the road around them.
Be that as it may.
I’ve decided that the only way to get this country back on track is for me to take responsibility myself. No more hurling criticism from the safe sidelines of the Geniusdome. It is time for me to take the bull by the horns and the tiger by the tail, which means I will need someone to hold my beer for a minute because both of my hands will be full. That’s right, kids, I’ve decided to throw my hat in the ring and announce right here in the hallowed HTML of AAJ that I am officially running for President in 2004.
I realize, of course, that there are certain logistical problems that must be addressed right out of the gate. For one, the Constitution of the United States says that a person must be 35 years of age in order to be President. I am 35. And I can tell you right now that no one my age has any business running the country. But I can assure you that I will appoint a (Pabst) Blue Ribbon fact-finding committee to look into that very troubling fact as soon as I take office.
Then, there is the matter of campaign funds. Right now, the Genius Campaign war chest contains eleven dollars in nickels and a lint-covered Jolly Rancher candy of indeterminate flavor. But just to show you that I am a man of integrity who cannot be bought by special interests, you have my solemn word here and now that I will accept each and every contribution offered and spent it strictly on nonpartisan beer, chicken wings, and baseball tickets. Furthermore, I will be swayed by no lobbyists (unless they happen to be redheaded females between the ages of 24-35, because I’m only human for crissakes).
And even though I have never held elected office, I will not let my lack of experience in any way effect the headspinning rapidity with which I become absolutely mad with power.
A man’s word is his bond.
I know what you’re thinking right now, kids. You’re thinking, “How can I become part of the Genius ’04 juggernaut? What the hell is a juggernaut, anyway? Is it different from a dreadnought, and if so, how? Just how much is this juggernaut thing going to cost me? Do these pants go with this shirt? Does anyone have some gum? Will there be pizza and a keg at the victory party, or just one of those deli platters and some 7-Up? I sure could go for a cold 7-Up right about now. Wait a minute...where does this Genius guy get off expecting me to help him get elected President? What’s in it for me?”
I’m glad you finally asked.
If I am elected President, my first official act will be to completely eliminate the current Federal income tax. Did that get your attention? Actually, you would still pay taxes, of a sort, but I would do away with all those confusing forms and deductions, and especially with the strongarm tactics of the IRS. Everyone would pay a flat tax: 15% of their income or 10% of their Visa bill, whichever is greater. And to insure there are no cheats, taxes would be collected by doe-eyed orphans who would go door-to-door in the dead of winter wearing tattered mittens and threadbare secondhand coats and anyone who could pike on their taxes in the face of such a heart-wrenching little waif has already earned their own personal level of Hell so keep your filthy money we don’t want it.
Being the Dean of American Jazz Humorists©, I would naturally want to be known as the Jazz President. Actually, I’d rather be known as the Wealthy, Talented, Irresistible to Women President, but I’ll take what I can get. The focus of my administration would be the promotion of America’s most original creation (no, not the spokesmodel), facilitating a return to the hope and promise of the first Jazz Age without the perfunctory goldfish swallowing and flagpole sitting or that inconvenient Depression at the end.
As President, I’d be expected to deal with more than just returning Jazz to its rightful prominence. I’m told there are all sorts of issues out there that demand attention, and you have my word that I will give each and every one of them my fullest consideration so long as they don’t cut into my naptime. To ease your minds, I’ve prepared a few position statements on major issues: