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Genius Guide to Jazz

Jazz and the Modern Bachelor

By Published: August 16, 2005
Putting all of these elements together into one cohesive style is indeed a challenge. The trick is to appear intelligent and cultured without coming off like a pretentious know-it-all. As a Genius, I overcome this perception by keeping an alcoholic beverage in my hand at all times. Drinking is almost a lost art these days, obscured either by dull-witted frat-boy excess or florid girl-drink concoctions designed to taste like everything except alcohol, but one that is vital to the Modern Bachelor lifestyle. Alcohol makes the one drinking it witty and personable, and those around him more attractive and interesting. It is also the most effective pants-removal fluids on the market.

The key to proper drinking is knowing what to drink. Remember that the Modern Bachelor is a man of culture and refinement, firmly rooted in the classics yet thoroughly modern (or else I wouldn't be calling him the Modern Bachelor, now would I?). Thus, the hallmarks of the Cocktail Generation are always apropos; the ubiquitous martini, the Bloody Mary, the Tom Collins, gin and tonic, Harvey Wallbanger, Old Fashioned, Whiskey Sour, etc. The simple elegance of whisky, bourbon and Scotch most notably, can never be underestimated. And my personal favorite, beer, which has long been relegated either to the domain of the blue-collar Bud-loving everyman or the khaki-clad Heineken-swilling preppie swine, has gained new respectability now that a nationally-known jazz humorist declared it his personal favorite in his influential and widely-read column on AAJ.

WARNING: Alcohol may cause a bloated sense of self-importance.

That pretty much does it for this month. I'll be expounding upon the Modern Bachelor lifestyle throughout the year, interspersed with profiles of some of the greatest names in jazz history (like John, and Joe). I'll also be shamelessly trolling for those corporate sponsorships, using my position as a Genius to influence the course of American culture, and insinuating my way into that aching void in Nicole Kidman's life. It's going to be a good year.

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