By Al Molina

• p -- piano --the neighbors have complained

• f -- forte -- the neighbors are out

• ff -- fortissimo -- screw the neighbors

• pp -- pianissimo -- the neighbors and the police are at the door

• Obbligato -- being forced to practice

• Rit/Rall -- coming to the part you haven't practiced

• Con Moto -- yeah baby, I have a car

• Allegro -- a little car

• Metronome -- short, city musician who can fit into a Honda Civic

• Lento -- the days leading up to Easto

• Largo -- beer brewed in Germany or the Florida Keys

• Piu Animato -- clean out the cat's little box or it goes

• Interval -- time to meet the other players at the bar

• Perfect Interval -- when the drinks are on the house

• Cantabile -- singing while drunk

• Con Spirito -- drunk again

• Chords -- things organists play with one finger

• Dischords -- things that organists play with two fingers

• Suspended Chords -- things to lynch the vocalist

• Subdominate -- "I can't play unless I've asked my wife."

• Snycopation -- bowel condition brought on by an overdose of jazz

• Quaver -- the feeling brought on when you haven't practiced

• Key Signatures -- silly things put in music to frighten you (ignore them and they will go away -- along with your audience)

• Time Signatures -- things for drummers to ignore

• Colla Voce -- this shirt is so tight I can't sing

• Professional -- anyone who can't hold down a steady job

• Flats -- English apartments

• A tempo de cafe -- Ah, coffee time!

• Improvisation -- what you do when the music falls down

• Fugue -- clever stuff

• Prelude -- warm--up before the clever stuff

• Acciaccatura/appoggiatura -- insects

• Opus -- exclamation made when the dog pees on the new rug

• Virtuoso -- a person who can work wonders with easy--play music

• Melody -- an ancient now extinct art in songwriting

• Music -- happiness