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June 2015

June 2015
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Dear Mr. P.C.:

Is there a correlation between the better a person can play an accordion and the lower the economic scale he is in? Do skinny people ever play the tuba? I'll hang up and listen.

—Kenneth Heard


Dear Kenneth:

I haven't heard the term "economic scale" before, but I assume it's some kind of scale with very few notes. The law of supply and demand tells us that each of those scarce notes is very valuable.

Frankly, I've never thought of the accordion that way—accordionists seem to play all kinds of notes, none of them worth much. Even if they were worth a lot, a better term—rather than "valuable"—would be "costly," speaking from a strictly musical perspective.

Tubaists, on the other hand, have no choice but to use the economic scale, as the instrument just doesn't have much agility or range. Sitting deep in bass clef, it does indeed correlate to the "lower" economic scale, much more so than the accordion. But does that have something to do with tuba players being "skinny"? Your logic escapes me.

Dear Mr. P.C.:

There's a restaurant I play at that gives the band free meals. So my question is, what is the etiquette about tipping? I'm happy to give the waiter 20% of the cost of my meal, which is nothing. Since the meal is part of my pay, I don't want to give away my paycheck.

—Hungry And Cheap Keyboardist


Dear HACK:

Giving you a free meal is really just a covert way for the owner to give his waiter a raise. It's a well-deserved tip for the waiter, initiated by the owner's generous meal contribution, using you as a tax-free conduit.

If you really can't bring yourself to be a part of this elegant and progressive payment system, I suggest you find a sub who will.

Dear Mr. P.C.:

I'm wondering if there is some rule of thumb for those times when you've been asked to sit in at a friend's gig. Do you go, do your thing, wear what feels good to wear that night and let people think what they will? Or is it expected that one should actively try not to upstage one's friend?

Should you wear a potato sack? Hide what your mama gave ya under folds of burlap? Sing (cause who are we kidding here, I'm totally a vocalist to be asking this kinda question) a song which shows well, or simply KILLLLLLLLZZZZZ, and drop the mic on a show that doesn't belong to you?

Help! I don't want to be that girl.

—Sexy in Seattle


Dear SIS:

The problem with wearing a potato sack is that it will inadvertently fetishize "what your mama gave ya." Your burlap bag becomes a green screen onto which all the creeps out there can project their most lurid fantasies.

Your friend, on the other hand, presents her own body truthfully and shamelessly. How can this honest, vulnerable woman possibly compete with your seductive attire? All she can do is rely on her voice, and that's hardly fair.
       

Have a question for Mr. P.C.? Ask him.

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