By Al Molina

• DIMINISHED FIFTH -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

• PERFECT FIFTH -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels

• RITARD -- There's one in every family

• RELATIVE MAJOR -- An uncle in the Marine Corps

• RELATIVE MINOR -- A girlfriend

• BIG BAND -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

• PIANISSIMO -- "Refill this beer bottle"

• REPEAT -- What you do until they just expel you

• TREBLE -- Women ain't nothin' but

• BASS -- The things you run around in softball

• PORTAMENTO -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see

• CONDUCTOR -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

• ARPEGGIO -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

• TEMPO -- Good choice for a used car

• A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville

• TRANSPOSITIONS -- Men who wear dresses

• CUT TIME -- Parole

• ORDER OF SHARPS -- What a wimp gets at the bar

• PASSING TONE -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

• MIDDLE C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

• PERFECT PITCH -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

• TUBA -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!

• CADENZA -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.

• WHOLE NOTE -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

• CLEF -- What you try never to fall off of

• BASS CLEF -- Where you wind up if you do fall off

• ALTOS -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Doritoes"

• MINOR THIRD -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

• MELODIC MINOR -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad

• 12-TONE SCALE -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

• QUARTER TONE -- What most standard pickups can haul

• SONATA -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

• CLARINET -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

• CELLO -- The proper way to answer the phone

• BASSOON -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

• FRENCH HORN -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

• CYMBAL -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

• BOSSA NOVA -- The car your foreman drives

• TIME SIGNATURE -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

• FIRST INVERSION -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

• STACCATO -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

• MAJOR SCALE -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"

• AEOLIAN MODE -- How you like Mama's cherry pie

• BACH CHORALE -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses