Ken Burns' "Ken Burns" will be the next production from America's self-described "greatest living documentary filmmaker." The indefatigable Burns will examine his own life in thorough, even exhaustive detail -- 18 two-hour shows, a 650- page coffee table book, calendars, neckties, napkin rings, a bagel toaster, a children's breakfast cereal, a Sony Playstation 2 game, and a 9-volume CD set of his favorite music, including one CD of him humming what may or may not be his favorite show tunes.

Narrators will include John Chancellor, James Earl Jones, Garrison Keillor, Maya Angelou, Wynton Marsalis, Rosie O'Donnell, Barney Frank, Buck O'Neill, Jaime Escalante, Bill Clinton, Shelby Foote, Sister Wendy, Yo-Yo Ma, and a member of NSync to be named later.

"This is the next logical step in my development as America's best-loved and smartest person," said Burns at a press conference. "I was the first American to really 'get' the whole Civil War thing. I was the first person to figure out that baseball had a social importance beyond the beer-swilling yahoos who watch it. And most recently, I forced America to acknowledge that Negroes had a key role in the birth and development of jazz music. Now I want to share my life's pilgrimage -- an adventure that is nothing less than a blueprint for Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey -- so that others might benefit."

Burns will utilize archival photos, drawings, vintage 8mm family film clips and Japanese shadow puppets to dramatize his life. Interviews will include Mrs. Blanche Goltz, his 3rd grade teacher; Finley Blasingame, his agent; Kent Zimmer, a man he impressed at a party by naming every member of the Miles Davis "Kind of Blue" quintet; and Thorndyke Havrisham Jr., Vice-President of Public Broadcasting and the third person to call Burns a genius.

After a lengthy negotiation, Burns has also agreed an extensive interview with himself. "I didn't know if I could get me. But after I explained just how important I was to my story, I talked myself into it." He didn't disappoint himself -- he was able to uncover surprising insights about his own life. "Before I undertook this project," says Burns, "I had no idea that I had done so much to enlighten so many ignorant, wretched people. I had no idea I was such an avatar of enlightened edu-tainment, especially as it pertains to my funky soul brothers. And I had no idea that I liked great old movies, romantic walks on the beach, and a glass of wine by the fire."

The entire project will take 5 years and cost 11 million dollars. The cost is being underwritten by General Motors, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and whatever tobacco company is most in need of positive PR spin at the end of this year. The first episode, "From Cosmic Dream-Dust to Potty-Training" will air in 2005. The last episode, "Everything A Human Being Can and Should Be" might air as late as 2007.

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