by Walt Kraemer

Hollywood is going to make a Chet Baker Movie. What they call a bio-pic. I guess BIO from biodegradable and PIC from what you do to your nose. Maybe you’ve seen The Benny Goodman Story or The Gene Krupa Story or Bird and came away, as I did, with the notion that jazz movies can’t seem to be, choose one: Accurate, Enlightening, Entertaining, Short Enough. Maybe you’ve concluded, too, that Hollywood LIKES inaccuracy. LOVES it. In the spirit of Hollywood inaccuracy, I’m going cash in by doing my own movie: LOUIS “IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS, DON’T MESS WITH IT” ARMSTRONG.

ACT 1: THE EARLY YEARS. LOUIS BECOMES FULLY FORMED ALMOST

• My movie will open allegorically with Moses (played by Moses Gunn) finding Louis in a straw basket lodged in the bulrushes on the banks of the
Mississippi River. (The Mississippi, however, will be played by the Urubamba where it’s cheaper to shoot.) Besides, Moses is big right now.

• Louis is sent to the Home for Colored Waifs (my research shows Louis was indeed colored) where he meets Babe Ruth (played by James Earl Jones) and
loses to the Babe in an eating contest. Louis is determined never to go hungry again. And to take laxatives whenever offered.

• Louis meets up with King Oliver (played by some actor with bad teeth) and now challenges the King to an eating contest. This time he wins. The prize is a clarinet. Or maybe it’s a cornet. Doesn’t really matter, I plan low-key lighting.

• Louis invents jazz then courageously takes his clarinet or cornet north to Chicago because if he headed south, he would drown.

• In Chicago he looks in the want ads for work as a “jazz musician.” The work is scarce because jazz doesn’t exist so he has to invent other “jazz
musicians” like Kid Ory (played by Denzel Washington), The Austin High Gang (played by Fourplay), Earl “Fatha” Hines (Rick Moranis) and Velma Middleton (played by the Ronettes all huddled together in one costume).

• Louis records his famous Hot Sixes and Hot Nines sides which include the now classic, "Ornithology." His stature as the world’s greatest jazz musician is secured and musicians accord him this high honor. Except Eddie Condon (Dennis Hopper).

• Louis is given the nickname “Pops” by Charlie Mingus (played by Mike Tyson). Then he’s given the nickname “Satch” by Oscar Pettiford (Evander Holyfield). Then “Dippermouth” by Buddy Rich (Jessie 'The Body' Ventura). They fight over
who’s nickname is better. There is bloodshed on a large scale, and more action than you can stand. 

• And remember that memorable scene in the Benny Goodman Story where Benny asks Fletcher Henderson to hold his clarinet? Well, I’m going to have Louis ask Benny to hold his clarinet but this time it’ll explode! This will be an action-
biographical-musical-bio-pic with emphasis on the action. And I plan Arnold Schwarzenegger as Benny Goodman! Maybe Steve Allen, I don’t know yet.

ACT 2: THE NOT SO EARLY YEARS. IN FACT, THE MIDDLE YEARS. LOUIS STRETCHES THE ENVELOPE

• Now clarinetless, Louis concentrates on the cornet. In the fifties he forms his ill fated pianoless quartet at the diminutive Hague Night Club in Los Angeles featuring Aaron Bell, bass; Lisa Simpson, baritone saxophone; and Sal
Mineo, drums (actors t.b.d.) For reasons of claustrophobia everyone deserts him except for bassist Aaron Bell.

• In appreciation, Louis commissions arranger Gil Ellington (Jerry Seinfeld) to adapt a piece titled Concierto de Aaron Bell. (We’ll show the actual
recording session in the film but, true to most musical biographies, there will be dialogue drowning it out.) At any rate, this extended work breathes new life into a flagging career.

• Louis follows up with his famous rendition of Hello, Jolly! featuring a nice big string section, and jazz accordionist Pete Jolly. And not to worry, Barbara Streisand will be lip-synced by Cassandra Wilson.

• President Reagan (James Earl Jones again) wants to declare Louis Armstrong’s birthday, July 4th, a national holiday only to be informed there might already be a national holiday around that time. Is Reagan surprised! (Can’t you just picture the double-take Jones could do in this scene?)

• Louis tours Europe. Upon being presented to her majesty Queen Elizabeth (Whoopie Goldberg) Louis makes a memorable gaff by saying, “Nice ass for a
white woman” and “How’d you like to roll my royal log, queeny?”

ACT 3: THE FINAL INACCURACIES. WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD.

• Louis forms the All-Stars, a solid group of musicians with strange haircuts (especially Barrett Deems played by Ringo Starr) but no guitars. During one concert he stands too close to Trummy Young (Will Smith, who else?) and
becomes deaf for eight months.

• In the next touching scene, Louis will learn sign language and teach it to hearing impaired children. When his hearing returns he works in helping constipated children.

• In 1957, Louis is feted at the Kennedy Center where the country’s greatest jazz musicians turn out for a lengthy jam session which puts Mamie Eisenhower (Tracey Ullman) into a deep coma. During his acceptance of the coveted Arts and
Humanities award, Louis points out the Kennedy Center hasn’t been built yet—a cheap ploy by me to give at least one inaccuracy some credence.

• Louis, having lived a long and rewarding life, succumbs at the age of 114. For his final years we see him—in montage— cheerfully playing in lofts, at the disco, challenging Ornette Coleman, partying at Hefner’s mansion, putting caulk in Wynton Marsalis’ spit valve, singing with doo-wop groups on the streets of New York, tackling some tricky Gabrieli, laughing at Eddie Condon’s
funeral, testifying for HUAC and directing bombing runs over Cambodia.

• On his death bed Louis is asked “what is jazz?” He renders the now historic and oft-quoted reply, “It depends on what your meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”

ROLL THE CREDITS!

There may be very few credits since many of those involved in the film will probably ask that their names be removed.

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