THE DEMISE OF THE JIMMY "CRICKET" KLARVEN BIG BAND

13 musicians with but a single purpose: To get out of the business.

We all know there’s mega-bread to be made in jazz, right? Okay, maybe I got off on the wrong premise here. At least I got off. The point is, famed trumpet player cum big band leader Jimmy "Cricket" Klarven thought about that mega-bread when he assembled a baker’s dozen of the best jazz musicians in the industry. But as of January 1, 1999 Cricket’s band will be just another chalk outline on the bebop sidewalk of history. (The Pariah will forgive me, I’m still trying to learn how to turn a phrase.) What will become of Klarven's thirteen talented musicians, not to mention their pungent uniforms and matching band bus, will be our focus in a follow-up article. Meanwhile, The Cricket wanted to share those tribulations in the following portions of his diary, written on the road during his bumpy 1971 "The We’re-Way-Better-Than-Ralph-Marterie Road Tour."

Tue, Jan 27, 1971 Pulled into Shreveport late due to a flat tire. Good thing this isn’t an airplane. A flat tire on an airplane could be fatal. Maybe it this IS an airplane. I’m going to go ask the driver.

Mon, Feb 2, 1971 It’s 3:00 AM and the entire trombone section decided to walk out. I think we were going about 45mph at the time. Good thing this isn’t an airplane. Wait, better check again.

Wed, Feb 4, 1971 Atlanta, GA. During my solo on Midnight Sun I lost a tooth. It shot out the bell and killed the club owner. I wonder if we’ll get paid.

Fri, Feb 6, 1971 Here we are in Des Plaines and the trombone section is back! With their wives! With contracts! But everything seems to be resolved. Trouble is we have a vocal group now. An extremely vocal group.

Sat, Feb 14, 1971 Cincinnati and no overtime. That comedian putz, Ricki the Shmickle, wouldn’t get off the stage. Fortunately Charlie Mingus was in the audience so he beat him up for us.

Wed, Mar 4 - Sat, Mar 7, 1971 Silver Spring, MD. Sort of a good news bad news thing: Our agent says we’ve been held over. He also says we can only go when we get it right.

Mon, March 16, 1971 Somewhere near the Canadian border. We’re about to take another stab at Groovin’ High tonight and hope Scuds doesn’t hyperventilate during the bridge like last time. And he’s only our bassist. The horn players just faint dead away.

Tue, March 17, 1971 What a gig! (As opposed to our usual, "What, a gig?") Tonight the band swung like the mother of all rhythm machines. Of course, it probably didn’t hurt that I put up a lot of dummy microphones and told them RCA was recording.

Fri, March 20, 1971 Millersberg, PA. Another good news bad news thing: We’re playing a big wedding.

Sat, March 21, 1971 But it was called off when the minister asked, "Does anyone know why this couple should not be married?" and somebody replied, "Yeah, because Klarven’s band is playing the reception!"

Thu, March 26, 1971 Marysville, OH. If I hear one more Shriner request "The Stripper" I’m going to puke.

Fri, March 27, 1971 Puked.

Sun, May 3, 1971 West Covina, CA. Ted, our 17 year old wunderkind tenor player, turns out to be Theodora, an unstable 37 year old woman wanted in seven states for stealing mens’ clothes. Two of the trombonists wives were hip to Theodora all the time and plan to come out of the closet tomorrow. This doesn’t look good for the future of our new vocal group, "The Wives of The Trombone SectionTones."

Fri, May 22, 1971 Covina, CA. Hey, Cannonball was in the house tonight and asked to sit in. Talk about respect, after three bars of Cherokee everyone stopped playing so they could hear better.

Tues, May 26, 1971 Salinas, CA. The Earl brothers (lead and 3rd trumpets) brought in their arrangement for this newish Herbie Hancock piece titled Dolphin Dance. Their score calls for simple, open, lyrical melodic lines floating above a plush bed of quilted harmonies. But we’ll probably end up playing it our way.

Thur, May 28, 1971 Back to Southern California and, in a heady PR coup, our agent invited Herbie to hear the Jimmy "Cricket" Klarven big band premier performance of Herbie’s very own Dolphin Dance! Yes! Fortunately, The Wives of The Trombone SectionTones were able to physically restrain him and we’re pleased to be able to settle out of court.

Wed, June 3, 1971 Medford, OR, the middle of the night. We’re all fairly exhausted and it’s beginning to smell a little ripe in here. Thank God the tour is winding down. Just as well, too, all this time the guys thought there was a restroom on the back of the bus. Ha ha, the joke’s on them! At least, I think it’s a bus. Hang on, be right back...