I think we should all do what we can to advance this native American art form we call jazz then, wash up for dinner.  I’ve yet to meet anyone who admires a languishing art form or likes to dine with a filthy person. These then are the two activities to which I’ve dedicated my life—jazz and cleanliness. I’ll try to confine my comments to the former.

Example #1: For those of you unfamiliar with Leonard Feather’s famous Blindfold Tests, Mr. Feather would seat a musician in front of a Victrola, play an unidentified record then ask for the musicians’ names and a few comments on the music. It’s a interesting premise, Len, but really, we’re not living in the Swing Era anymore. Either Bossa Nova with the rest of us or drop out, man! 

Anyway, a few years back I proudly introduced THE EARPLUG TEST® and jazz journalism has been just about the same ever since. Here’s the difference: My artists are not only blindfolded but, to raise the bar a few notches, I make them wear ear plugs as well! Yes! In one of my recent THE EARPLUG TESTS® I asked a trumpet playing friend of mine—we’ll call him Musician X—to listen to a classic Blue Note album called The Sidewinder. Afterwards…

X:  Mmm, was that Honi Coles?… or maybe Bojangles… One of those tap dancers. I dig jazz tap. It was a very hip tap dancer.

Me:  No, that was Lee Morgan playing triplets.

X:  Who?

Me:  Lee Morgan. The trumpet player!

X:  What!?

Me:  Lee Morgan! Playing triplets!!!

X:  Lemme take these d--- earplugs out, you stupid a-----!*

I stumped him big time! Why not try my THE EARPLUG TEST® on one of your musician friends soon? It will not only amuse and confound it may even lead to a lively discussion followed by self-administered doses of strong pain medication. 

*I’ve censored the offending portion of his remarks in case there are any jazz children reading this. 

Example #2: I’ve also worked with various musicians to help them create a more dynamic on–stage presence for themselves. Audiences like presence. Remember how Hamp would jump on top his vibes and give us a lesson in gibberish? And how Miles started dressing for Halloween all year round? And God knows what Illinois Jacquet was thinking in those years. Well, I approached a tenor saxophone playing friend of mine—we’ll call him Musician X—I call most musicians "Musician X" since I’m bad with names—and reminded him of Lester Young’s intriguing style of playing his tenor sideways. (The instrument, not Lester.) I suggested, "Why not play your instrument with the bell turned inward, like TOWARD you?" Well, he loved it and now thanks to me Musician X just oozes stage presence when he plays his sax with the bell pointing at his crotch. He may not get much of a sound but he does receive a world of self gratification.

I believe in a Jazz Heaven and when I die and stand before Pete "The Saint" Peters at the pearly gates I just know he’ll ask, "Hey man, what have you done to advance the art form?" and I’ll proudly reply, "You probably haven’t logged on to my guest Diatribe on the subject." On second thought, maybe I’ll hope he hasn’t.