There are so many half truths, rumors, fabrications and facts not in evidence that I feel a whole new word should be added to the jazz vocabulary: Jazz Mythconceptions.

Jelly Roll Morton, for instance. He said he invented jazz. What he really said is, "I invented the Chia Pet" but no one could understand him. It was all those diamonds and pearls and gold nuggets embedded in his teeth. Anyway, that was Mythconception #1.

If you're a jazz novice this Diatribe will provide everything you'll ever need to know to become a jazz expert.

That was #2.

#3: Jazz came down the Mississippi not up it. It had to, you can't row and play at the same time.

#4: You may believe otherwise but Miles Davis never existed. Think about it. Ever seen him in person? Okay, how many times? Did he ever look the same way twice? Of course he didn't because he never existed. Those people were all impostors who dressed funny. The first time I saw my fake Miles was in 1958 and he played with his back toward me! He might as well have just worn a sign saying FRAUD! (I am convinced that long before Elvis impersonators there were Miles impersonators. Except Miles never really existed and Elvis still does.)

Here's the clincher: Could anyone really play that beautifully? Miles never existed. Teo Macero made him up to sell records. And what ever happened to Teo Macero? I think George Avakian made him up.

#5: Although close, Keely Smith was not the greatest jazz singer ever. That would have to be Francis Fay. And among the guys, you gotta like Tony Martin.

Speaking of vocalists, I would nominate as Mythconception #6 vocalist Al Hibbler's so-called blindness. Blind? Ha-ha, it is to laugh. It's widely known among us "hip" insiders that Hibbler wanted to sing with Ellington's band so bad that he feigned sightlessness in order to play on Duke's sympathies. It worked so well for Hibbler that George Shearing later pulled the same stunt in order to hang out with Margie Hyams.

#7: "Count" Basie was Count Basie's real name. As a nickname, "William" never quite clicked with the public (nor did "Bill") so The "Count" was sadly "saddled" with his "real" name all his professional "life." The same "deal" was true with "Mezz" Mezzrow. He tried "Milton" for a while but nobody "bought" it. (A cardinal rule of journalism is when in doubt use a lot of quotation marks.) And speaking of names, Kenny G recently announced, for stage purposes, he will have his last name shortened. Too Jewish.

#8: Contrary to popular belief, certain jazz artists such as Art Tatum, Oscar Peterson and Gonzalo Rubalcaba have woefully limited pianistic techniques. Engineers can't figure it out but there's something about their recordings that make your phonographs go real fast. Always play these artists with a skeptical ear to your speaker and a thumb on your turntable. (If you're into this new-fangled stereo thing, make that two skeptical ears and two thumbs. And if you're strapped with a CD player, fiddle around with the remote a lot.)

#9: Bebop never caught on. Charlie Parker played too fast and made up names like Klactoveedsedstene and Ah-leu-cha so that musicians not only couldn't keep up with his music but disk jockeys couldn't even pronounce it. That's why bebop was never heard outside of Minton's Playhouse in Harlem and ultimately died out completely in 1947.

#10: Jelly Roll Morton also invented the Egg McMuffin.

Finally, I was going to dispel the myth that Charlie Christian, before he plugged his guitar into a wall socket, unsuccessfully tried to amplify it by attaching it to his garden hose. But that turns out to be true. Also true is the fact that on some Duke Ellington records Cootie Williams plays so far behind the beat he is often heard on the next cut.

Finally, speaking of Duke, did you know the first "upright bass" player was Wellman Braud? True! Before "upright bass," however, it was called the "lying on the floor sideways bass" but Duke thought Braud looked undignified in that position.

Jazz is still young enough to be accurately documented. I intend to do something about that.