Genius Guide
October 2001
Genius Guide to Jazz
Archive
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An Essay on the Cumulative Effects of Channel Surfing
By Jeff Fitzgerald, Genius
This isn't about jazz. It isn't really about anything. It's just silliness, plain and simple. There is a story about British comedian Spike Milligan whom, in the midst of a nervous breakdown, found himself alone in bed, sobbing uncontrollably. Just then, he noticed his young daughter coming towards him with a glass of water. She wanted to help, to give him something to make it okay. And this was what she had to give. Think of this thin wisp of silliness as my glass of water to you. In times like these, we give what we have to give.
Previously:
Dr. Spellman and Dr. Fiker clash over the thorny issue of whether, when confronted with a serious medical question, to rub their chins thoughtfully or to remove their glasses dramatically. Meanwhile, Dr. Spinoza is forced to defend himself against the American Dental Association when he loses a patient to tartar. But this need not happen to you, not when 4 out of 5 dentists who chew gum recommend Denta-Buf, the only teeth-whitening baking soda toothpaste with real homestyle goodness baked right in. Remember to ask for it by name, and if you agree to name names, the D.A. has agreed to cut you a deal. 0.9% financing on any GM product, the star of the American road, the king of beers, the best a man can get. Completely redesigned and doesn't show her age, thanks to Alpha-Hydrox 10, now available in a convenient family size for when you don't have time to fix a delicious meal but your family deserves only the best performing no-load mutual fund available without a prescription. "The itching was driving me crazy," says Miss Alma Hertz of Parma, Ohio, "until I discovered new Spam Light, everything I ask for in an American-built pickup with only half the fat of regular gas-powered string trimmers. And this one wades through the thickest brush and even cuts through this tin can, yet is still sharp enough to slice a tomato this thin." And don't you wish you were that thin? You can be, with Subway's new Southwest grilled chicken, with less than 4 grams of fat specially formulated not to cause any embarrassing wetness and they'll hardly know you're wearing it. Would I get this close if I were wearing this specially minted collectible gold coin from the Marshall Islands, which normally retails for less than fifty cents a day to feed these starving children. That's all it takes to earn your degree at home, and you can choose from any one of these terrible secrets which threaten to tear apart one woman's family. Based on a true story inspired by the cycle of nature, witness the struggle of man versus nature in a Brawl to Settle It All! Live on pay-per-view! Call your cable operator and tell him to pay up unless he wants certain compromising photos developed on Kodak paper using Drug Rite's exclusive 12-step Colorcheck process, to insure the whitest whites and the brightest brights for only pennies a capful and my dishes have never been so clean.
But can Ally tell Samantha the truth about her non-aspirin pain reliever before it's too late and Buffy sleeps with Homer, who is sleeping with Judge Judy who is sleeping with Paulie Walnuts who is sleeping with the fishes on his Posturific Beauty Snooz mattress with your host Arthur Kent, who begat Ezra, who begat Mordecai, who begat Selva, who did come unto Zebulon and did say to them, "I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler." But today on Jerry Springer, "Mom, I'm a transvestite hermaphrodite who loves the thick, rich taste of American justice." See the full color insert in Sunday's paper with up to $1500 off manufacturer's suggested retail price while supplies last. Limit three with $10 purchase. No rainchecks, dealers welcome, offer void where prohibited. VA residents add Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup for great taste and big savings no matter who you call. Remember to dial 10-10-90210 to save those you love from signs of aging. And use Oil of Olay's Nightly Replenishing Cream under your eyes and in those hard-to-reach places most household cleaners miss. Sure, it looks clean, but does it kill germs? Kills bugs dead, and unless one maverick cop can catch a serial killer and infiltrate a Mafia family, one woman will have to battle the system to win back her children and she'll have to do it with only fifteen seconds left on the clock, down by two and with no time-outs left. Can a compassionate surgeon overcome a season-ending divorce and put his life back together as he seeks to return to the Super Bowl for the first time since his rookie year back in '87? "Not as long as I'm in charge of this hospital, damn it!" barked stern-but-fair Chief of Surgery Hector Feinbaum. "To hell with the rules, Doctor, there are lives at stake here!" said brilliant but unorthodox surgeon and single journalist researching the sexual habits of modern art, particularly Jackson Pollack's evocative later works. "There is also the reputation of this newspaper at stake, and I won't have you placing it in jeopardy with your hot-dogging and brilliant overtime performance which almost single-handedly brought the title back to Pittsburgh." And so, the mighty Roman Empire was brought to its knees.
But what of the fat-free, candy-coated, golden-brown, extra-crispy, lemon-scented, individually-wrapped, tired, poor, huddled masses yearning for the touching tale of a brave young boy's battle to overcome those stale kitchen odors that perfumey air-fresheners only mask? For the answers to these and other questions, Miss Cleo says send $19.95 check or money order to the pizza voted America's favorite, delivered hot and fresh to you and your toughest carpet stains in only half the time of the other leading brands. So till we meet again, Rachel must confront the man who sacked her for a loss of six on the play and I'll never go back to ordinary toilet tissue till Congress enacts appropriate legislation to vote Kelly off the island. And now, back to CNN studios in Atlanta 3, Mets 1 (W-Glavine, 16-4. L-NASDAQ, down 6-7/8).
Till next month, kids, exit to your right and enjoy the rest of AAJ.
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