By John Grabowski

Presenting Ken Burns' 144-hour Extremely Important documentary, "Jazz."

Fade up on a grainy old photograph of a man in a three-piece suit, holding a cornet. Or a bicycle horn, it's hard to tell.

Narrator: Skunkbucket LeFunke was born in 1876 and died in 1901. No one who heard him is alive today. The grandchildren of the people who heard him are not alive today. The great-grandchildren of the people who heard him are not alive today. He was never recorded.

Wynton Marsalis: I'll tell you exactly what Skunkbucket LeFunke sounded like. He had this big rippling sound, and he always phrased off the beat, and he slurred his notes. And when the Creole bands were still playing De-bah-de-bah-ta-da-tah, he was already playing Bo-dap-da-lete-do-do-do-bah! He was just like gumbo, ahead of his time.

Stanley Crouch: When people listened to Skunkbucket LeFunke, what they heard was Do-do-dee-bwap-da-dee-dee-de-da-da-doop-doop-dap. And they knew even then how profound that was.

Announcer: It didn't take LeFunke long to advance the art of jazz past its humble beginnings in New Orleans whoredom with the addition of something you've probably never heard of before, The Big Four.

Wynton: Before the Big Four, jazz drumming sounded like BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick. But now they had the Big Four, which was so powerful some said it felt like a Six. A few visiting musicians even swore they were in an Eight.

Stanley: It was smooth and responsive, and there was no knocking and pinging, even on 87 octane!

Announcer: Next came the great Tootsie-Roll Gorton. Gorton was a cornet player, gambler, card shark, pool hustler, pimp, male prostitute, Kelly Girl, computer programmer, symphony orchestra tambourine player, brain surgeon and he invented the internet. He's also famous for the song "Ain't gonna give you none of my Tootsie-Roll."

Stanley: Tootsie-Roll is a name that's sexual in nature. Let's just say it's that motion you get when you roll your Tootsie, okay? And the people then--don't kid yourself--they understood this. And it was very profound.

Wynton: Tootsie-Roll went "Deep-daap-da-dee-dap-doop-doop-bowp-bawp." And no one in New Orleans had ever heard that before. In fact, he often put a handkerchief over his head when he sang so no one would steal his stuff.

Announcer: He agreed to make a record, but only if they kept the recording machine turned off.

Stanley: And when you listen to that record today, you hear silence. But he *did* triumph--White cats never stole his stuff. --Except for John Cage maybe.

Announcer: When any musician in the world heard Louis Armstrong for the first time, they gnawed their arm off with envy, then said the angels probably wanted to sound like Louis. When you consider a bunch of angels talking in gruff voices and singing "Hello Dolly," you realize what a stupid aspiration that is.

Gary Giddy: Louis changed jazz because he was the only cat going Do-da-dep-do-wah-be-be, while everyone else was doing Do-de-dap-dit-dit-dee.

Stanley: And that was very profound.

Marsalis: Like gumbo.

Stanley: Uh-huh.

Matt Glaser: I will always have this fantasy that when Louis performed in Belgium, Werner Heisenberg was in the audience, and he was blown away by Louis' freedom and that's where he got the idea for his Uncertainty Principle. And I will always believe that even if you say it's crazy.

Giddy: It's crazy.

Marsalis: Because the Uncertainty Principle, applied to jazz, means you never know if a cat is going to go Dap-da-de-do-ba-ta-bah or Dap-da-de-do-bip-de-beep.

Stanley: And that can be very profound.

Announcer: The Savoy Ballroom brought people of all races colors and political persuasions together to get sweaty as Europe moved closer and closer to the brink of World War II.

Savoy Dancer: We didn't care what color you were at the Savoy. We only cared if you were wearing deodorant.

2nd Savoy Dancer: Word!

Glaser: I'll bet Arthur Murray was on the dance floor and he was thinking about Louis and that's where he got the idea to open a bunch of dance schools.

Stanley: And that was very profound.

Giddy: Let's talk about Louis some more. We've wasted three minutes of this 57-part documentary not talking about Louis!

Wynton: He was an angel, a genius, and much better than Cats.

Stanley: He invented the word "Cats."

Wynton: He invented swing, he invented jazz, he invented the telephone, the automobile and scat singing.

Stanley: People today wonder why it's called scat singing. But back then--don't kid yourself--they knew what it meant.

Wynton: There was even a song, "Don't give me none of your scat."

Stanley: And that was very--

The others: --Profound!

Stanley: Word!

Glaser: I'll bet Chuck Yeager was in the audience when Louis was hitting those high Cs at the Earle Theater in Philadelphia, and that's what made him decide to break the sound barrier.

Stanley: And from there go to Pluto.

[shot of an empty chair] Wynton: (off camera) I'm making gumbo. Who wants some?

Giddy, Glaser and Ken Burns raise their hand.

Stanley: BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick...

Announcer: In 1964, John Coltrane was at his peak, Eric Doolphy was in Europe, where he would eventually die, the Modern Jazz Quartet was making breakthrough recordings in the field of Third Stream Music, Miles Davis was breaking new barrier with his second great quintet, and Charlie Mingus was extending jazz composition to new levels of complexity, to name just a few. But we're going to talk about Louis singing "Hello Dolly" instead.

Stanley: Louis went, Ba-ba-yaba-do-do-dee-da-bebin-doo-wap-deet-deet-do-da-da.

Wynton: Sweets went, Scoop-doop-shalaba-yaba-mokey-hokey-bwap-bwap-tee-tee-dee.

Giddy: I go, Da-da-shoobie-doobie-det-det-det-bap-bap-baaaaa...

Ken Burns: The reason I made Jazz is I wanted to see if I could make a documentary that felt longer than the history of jazz itself, and yet still leave out half the great people because "there wasn't enough time."

Announcer: The rest of the saga of jazz music will be shown in fast forward and will occupy exactly seven seconds. ---There, that was it. Now here are some scenes from Ken Burns' next documentary, a 97-part epic about the Empire State Building, entitled "Ken Burns' Empire State Building":

[grainy shot of King Kong crushing airplanes with his fists] "It is tall and majestic. It is America's building. It is the Empire State Building. Dozens of workers gave their lives in the construction of this building."

Matt Glaser: I'll bet that they were thinking of Louis as they were falling to their deaths. I have this fantasy that his high notes inspired the immenseness of the Empire State Building.

Wynton Marsalis: I'll bet most people who'd fall off the Empire State Building would go "Aaaaaahhhh!" But these cats, they went "Dee-dee-daba-da-da-bop-bop-de-dop-shewap-splat!"

"That's next time on PBS."